Why does no one talk about what parenting is really like.

[Mama9076]

After having my first baby, even after attending NCT classes I was completely shocked and I don’t think anything could prepare me for the, exhaustion and sheer relentlessness looking after a baby takes. Especially after having a tough birth with no time to recover. My friends who had been super excited for me to join the mum club and so positive, suddenly opened up about how hard they found it to. It’s like a secret club that only unlocks once you have a baby yourself. Going in eyes wide open for baby#2. I find myself not being open and honest with friends that are expecting their first. Are you like this or are you honest about how it is?

I disagree. The entire narrative around babies, children and parenthood is negative. I’m not sure what you were watching, listening to ow reading. The whole thing is about how having kids will ruin your body, mental health, finances, career, social life and relationships. Babies are exhausting, boring, demanding. You’ll be bored and your brain will die. At the same time you’ll be brain weary, it’s the most stressful thing ever, you won’t be able to shower or dress yourself, your house will be a shit tip. You can’t miss it!

I was very grateful to a colleague who mentioned very quietly in my last week before maternity leave that she’d adored having newborns and plenty of people enjoy it and she was a bit envious I had it all ahead of me.

And I also loved it. I’d had a horrendous delivery and complicated delivery but having a baby was the best thing ever and I was blissfully happy and content. It’s not rose tinted recollection as I’ve got another one now and it’s just as wonderful.

The good stuff is what people don’t talk about.

Yes I agree. I thought I'd have months of no sleep and feeling like a zombie so was pleasantly surprised that I did get sleep. Not 8 hours but enough to function.

In my case they did but I didn’t believe them, I was too busy taking pictures of my pee sticks and enlarging them. I swear to god half the reason I had a baby was just to make that bloody line appear, bit like trying to make a mood ring change colour.

It gets better OP x

People do, all the time. I often see threads saying people are scared to have a baby because everyone is always saying how hard it is. I just think sometimes you don’t really listen or believe it before you have kids.

Everyone. Always. talks about what parenting is really like.
Except that (from time to time) a few parents (mostly journalists tbh) take time off from talking about what parenting is really like in order to ask why nobody talks about what parenting is really like.

People have different experiences like everything else in life. Personally I loved it, the main thing that I did find hard was the worry during their childhood illnesses, or if they injured themselves, the worst part for me was when they started going out with their mates to nightclubs, holidays and events etc. The positives, happiness and sheer fun and laughs far outweighed the worries.

Depends on the baby. If you have one that doesn't sleep or settle, cries a lot, wants to be held all the time etc. it can definitely be harder than some jobs. Also depends on the circumstances, what help you have, how supportive your partner is,financial situation etc.

I was a teen when I had my first (he's now 20). I was that shocked at how utterly exhausting it was once the adrenaline wore off after week two. I was angry with my mother, why did she not at any point tell me how it would be. I actually considered phoning someone who I knew was pregnant to advise an abortion!

I honestly think people forget because the next stage comes along with the next lot of issues and the previous lot of issues is behind you. I have teenagers. There is a 3 year gap between my children because the eldest was such a challenging baby. I honestly can't remember how exhausted I was but I remember the weight of his little body in my lap at 3am as he finally fell asleep, us singing auld lang syne with him on his first nye because he was awake at midnight and his little hand pumping away on my breast when he was feeding. I remember objectively it was challenging but the tiredness turned into other things and I forgot it. It's now replaced with teenage issues ( nothing major just exam worries)

I can’t lie, I didn’t find it hard, but I bottle fed, we took turns with night feeds, and she slept through the night at 11 weeks. Yes I was in a constant state of panic about everything being ok, but I can’t say I found it hard or relentless, just this was our family now and we have always enjoyed beunf parents.

Yeah sorry op, like @AnneLovesGilbert said.

There are loads of misery memoire books, blogs, threads, forums etc saying how hard it is. You didn't read them because you didn't want to know and/or you thought you'd do it better.

There's also a culture of not really wanting anything to do with kids until you have your own. Taking an interest in cousins/neighbours/friends' kids etc would tell people what it's like - but for the most part they don't want to know.

I’m not totally honest about it because they look so happy and I don’t want to mess that up if they are already pregnant. Also some people bloody love most of parenthood so I don’t know if they will just think I’m a doomonger.

If someone tells me they are thinking about having a baby I tell them pretty bluntly. But no-one listens.

I think the opposite. There’s lots of people saying you’ll never sleep again, your body will be ruined, you’ll be shattered permanently, newborns are the worst, just wait til the terrible twos, teens are horrible etc. As well as all the women who can’t wait to share their horror birth stories before you’ve even given birth.

Personally I haven’t found parenting hard overall, obviously there have been hard days. Mine are adults/teens now and still easy.

@Screwballs it's absolutely amazing. I can't describe how amazing. I didn't find it hard. I have loved almost every moment and had a second baby pretty quickly as I loved it all so much. It's different for everyone but let's hope it's amazing for you too!

People talk about it all the time. But you don't take it in because you don't really get it. You can't until you're experiencing it yourself.

I used to think the opposite when I was pregnant "why is everyone telling me the miserable stuff? This is really exciting!"

I think there is lots of information out there about the tough times some people experience in babyhood. Some of us don't find the early years hard though or forget as they get older though just as most of us forget how painful childbirth is. Otherwise none of us would have any more than one.

They won’t believe us anyway. They secretly think we must be doing it wrong and their baby will have a relaxing bedtime routine and not know what a biscuit is and all will be well.

It gets worse I’m afraid… I preferred the baby years.

The arguing and back chat is what I find soul destroying. And the worry.
You’re only as happy as your unhappiest child.

This.

I am having a second because there are so many amazing moments about being a parent and once they start sleeping everything gets so much easier. I had a lot of positive things said to me pre having my first so I felt like a failure when I was finding it tough. But from experience, every stage is a phase and it passes.

From reading these comments some people breeze through it. Some don’t and for me there have been highs and lows. But ultimately the tough parts are out weighed by the love and the highs.

Depends on the baby. If you have one that doesn't sleep or settle, cries a lot, wants to be held all the time etc. it can definitely be harder than some jobs.

Exactly. I didn't say it can't be harder than work. I just said I found it easier than work. It also depends on how hard your job is. Mine involves being in charge of 30 children at a time, so it's not that surprising that being in charge of my own two was easier. That does still depend on how high needs your children are though.

I didn't feel this way as a new mum so I don't agree all mums are harbouring a secret. But I do think women are great at supporting each other and finding ways to relate if another mum is struggling. So often I have felt awkward at sitting there with nothing to complain about when a mum is confiding in me as to how hard she is finding things. So instead of sounding smug, instead I might respond by sharing how exhausted i am today too. Which may be true - but it's not exactly a shock to me as I knew raising babies would of course be demanding in my many ways. I wouldn't assume all women are keeping a big secret, plus being a doom sayer is not exactly encouraging to an expectant mother...

I remember after having kids thinking 'my external life is awful now ( day to day life, no sleep etc) but my internal life ( sort of inner fulfilment/meaning of life type thing) is 100 % better. So maybe thats why?

It’s considered so hard that many people take weeks, months or years off work to do it. You don’t get that for being diagnosed with cancer, or if you suddenly have to be a carer for a family member, you don’t get that if your parents or children die. It’s considered so hard there are support groups up and down the country purely designed to put you in touch with others at the same stage, regardless of having literally anything else in common, purely for peer support because of the literal age of your child. It’s considered so hard that there are entire online forums and communities that date back to the very earliest days of the internet because one of the first things that people needed to say to one another was to talk about their children. It’s considered such an area of expertise that there are entire sections in bookshops dedicated to parenting, and popular, prime time programmes all about pregnancy, birth, babies, toddlers and teens. It’s considered so hard that there are entire branches of medicine dedicated to getting babies here safely and raising children, so hard that the first thing you are asked in small talk is if you have children, such a crucial and important time that anyone you ask can tell you their babies birth story or funny tales from their childhood even decades later.

Having said all of that, in the first world, one healthy, singleton baby, with two involved parents who can take some paid leave, cannot be said to be a particularly difficult situation.

None of it is particularly bad in itself. It is the cumulative relentlessness of it that makes it shattering. But that's hard to convey to people who haven't yet experienced it.

But also no one knows how bad it will be for you personally. If you have an easy baby and a supportive partner, it will be a lot easier. It's often hard to judge before the baby comes along whether your partner will actually step up and do their share or leave it all to you (regardless of people saying that there are always 'signs'). Also, some people are just programmed to cope better than others.