Why does no one talk about what parenting is really like.

[Mama9076]

After having my first baby, even after attending NCT classes I was completely shocked and I don’t think anything could prepare me for the, exhaustion and sheer relentlessness looking after a baby takes. Especially after having a tough birth with no time to recover. My friends who had been super excited for me to join the mum club and so positive, suddenly opened up about how hard they found it to. It’s like a secret club that only unlocks once you have a baby yourself. Going in eyes wide open for baby#2. I find myself not being open and honest with friends that are expecting their first. Are you like this or are you honest about how it is?

@platypuspart totally agree. Defo make time for myself regularly and myself and OH together.

On a large scale I believe it's one of socities biggest kept secret. Many women wouldn't go on to have children if they knew how hard it can be

societies*

I have always been honest (when asked) about my parenting experience from birth to date. I found that people were very open about the struggles they were having.
Some have big downs with few ups and some the other way. I found it pretty smooth with a few big downs and many ups.

Although there were a few who were saying all was amazing babies sleeping through for 10 hours at 2 months, entertained itself, never really cried etc etc its only when number 2 baby came along and they forgot what they told us with baby 1, and were grateful baby no 2 was an easier baby than baby no 1 🤣🤣

@Screwballs - oh please don’t be scared. I suffered miscarriages before I had DD at 40. I did have an initial shock of WTF have I done, life is never going to be the same but it didn’t last long and I started to enjoy it and her. The love I felt/still feel is like nothing else. I had DS 2 years later.

I miss their toddler years and being the centre of their world but we are still very close now that they are 19 and 17. Yes there were tough times but the good times far outweighed them. My 2 were relatively easy compared to some stories I read on here and I adore being their mum. I wish you all the best.

It's not hard, as such, but it is relentless.

I was advised to make baby fit in with our life rather than the other way around. I guess this has to happen with subsequent babies, but really difficult with the first. It's such a huge change!

All the skills you need are ones most people don't use in their day to day lives before a baby comes along!

The best advice is to embrace it. Listen to your body. Rely upon anyone who offers to help. Find your own groove.

We mostly survive and miss it when it's gone!!

I don’t think people expect it to be easy, but they are led to expect it will be wonderful and the best thing they ever did, the rush of love, the special bond etc - because that is the narrative and is also true for many. But the first few weeks especially can be a huge shock and the positives can take a while to happen, even if you’re not one of those who actually regrets having a child at all. I don’t, I love having my DC despite the usual stresses, teen issues etc. But at first, after an emcs, couldn’t bf properly (later solved), nonstop leaking milk, no sleep, overwhelming anxiety - it was a nightmare. I needed to know from others that feeling that way wasn’t a failing and it would improve. Very luckily for me I had a fantastic HV who helped a lot. But that’s why I let people know it can be very hard. I don’t laugh knowingly and say it will be. I’m nice about it!

I came back to add to what I said. It can feel really hard and when I had DC1 I felt like my life had been turned upside down and I was trying to piece it back together into something that looked functional. (There was the pandemic which was a big factor in that due to DD being born just before lockdown, and being alone for weeks because DH was working every hour under the sun. I don’t think life is unrecogniseable for every new mum.)

But being a mum has given me more joy and purpose and peace than I’ve ever experienced before. My mental health has never been better. My self esteem has never been better. My need to please other people for the sake of it has never been less. It’s been so freeing, and joyful, having young children, in many ways. But, it is relentless, and I think many women, myself included, aren’t really prepared for that aspect of it. But I don’t think it’s truly possible to be prepared for that through people telling you - I’m sure they said that at NCT - because it’s literally unimaginable until it happens to you!

I see the child free board sometimes where women say they are told that they don’t really know what tiredness is like, or they’ve never really experienced unconditional love, unless they have children. The general sense on there is that this is ridiculous, patronising, anti-feminist. Now, I’m not about to go around telling other women that because it seems unnecessary. But I think there is an element of truth in it, at least for the people saying it. I can say with certainty that I didn’t know I was capable of loving anyone unconditionally the way I do my children. I can say with certainty that I had no concept of it being possible to be as tired as I was with DC1. But before I had kids I would have said I know unconditional love and exhaustion. Turns out, I didn’t have a fucking clue! But I literally couldn’t have imagined before I had kids, and nothing anyone could have said would have prepared me for it.

That's horrible. Do you really do that?

It's one thing giving your experience, if asked. It's quite another to instruct others not to have children at all, and to describe it so negatively.

I suppose everyone's experience is different but I knew being a mother was going to be hard and that my life would never be the same again, but I didn't know how I would fall in love with my baby

Do you think my friends really won’t have kids because MinnieL has ‘instructed’ them not too be serious. I’m extremely honest with my experience whether you think it’s horrible or not

That's the ' women should keep quiet about their suffering because it upsets others)' argument. Keep quiet little woman you have a family now...

I'm brutally honest, almost annoyingly so. I struggled so much in the beginning. Genuinely the hardest time of my life and I had severe HG throughout my whole pregnancy. I honestly thought I couldn't do it, in those first 8 weeks. So I'm now very honest, they just don't listen 😂

Ahhh such is the circle of life 😂

For the past 20 years there have been untold numbers of mum blogs outlining the shitty aspects of parenting, in minute detail. Not to mention parenting oriented news sites, magazines, etc.

I'm perplexed as to how anyone wouldn't perform due diligence about what they are letting themselves in for.

I agree with this so much and was naive and unprepared for this aspect.

We were the first of our 'generation' to have kids on both sides and my siblings did/do take an interest to some extent although limited. DH's sibling and wife couldn't care less. This shocked us as DH has a young cousin who we've always been close to since their birth even when we lived a few hrs away, and I'm of a mixed heritage but even my British side is full of large families all mucking in and doting aunts and uncles (who oftentimes aren't even family relations at all but neighbours or long time friends of parents etc) and so on. I was raised like that and definitely naive about the fact that nowadays at least where we live thats not the done thing anymore. My DM had young cousins as a young adult that she and my DF used to frequently babysit and spend time with etc.

For us, we lost almost all our friends, and the ones we kept had almost no interest in our kids (which is fine I guess as they still stuck around us as friends but I confess not what I had naively expected).

Now we are older and our kids are getting older, people around us, siblings, friends etc are now starting to marry and plan kids soonish, have started having children of their own etc and now suddenly want to forge closer ties with us, clearly trying to shore up support for themselves with their own kids in future. DH and I feel very resentful of this when we weren't supported by them in the last 5+ years. I also feel that those around us who have started having children/pregnant etc seem sooo naive to the realities of parenting - and they wouldn't be if they'd had any interest in talking to us about it or spending time with our kids. I'm sure we were too, but we did make an effort to spend as much time as possible with the only young child in our circles which certainly did teach us some useful things, it helps that their DPs were always open with us about how tough it all could be.

Life is meant to be hard, so many people live under this illusion that everything should be nice, easy and happy all of the time. That's not life. And nor should it be.

But isn't the point of this thread that it's especially hard when you are a mother. You have an extra load in the culture and it's not rewarded or even acknowledged sometimes.

People like the minimise and trivialise the suffering of mothers.

But there are huge upsides too. You mention a possible second baby in your future, if it was all misery you wouldn't contemplate another. Yes, I found having a baby extremely exhausting, but I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on the love and cuteness and pride.

I think being a parent now is so much harder than when I had my kids.
Mine left school just before social media hit and smart phones weren't a thing.

It's not just babies and toddlers. My work brings me into contact with families.
Once kids get to school age, omg the activities. Parents ferrying children to all sorts of clubs every day of the week.
The class WhatsApp groups the emails from school, school Facebook and twitter.

Then as they get older, the cost.
Phones, tablets, gaming, the right clothes, hundreds on trainers, gym membership. Hundreds a month on pocket money (I read the pocket money thread).

The stress of 11+ and grammar schools or if your kid isn't academic the worry they'll end ups in a rubbish comprehensive and get bullied or in the wrong crowd.

I'm amazed how acceptable vaping swearing and smoking weed is now.
Then the pressure and cost of uni.

Then you have so many more kids with additional needs, behaviour problems and bad mental health.

Then you see on SM everyone having fabulous days out and holidays and family gatherings and barbecues and people posting their kids exam results and accomplishments.

Add to this 2 parents need to work.

It all just looks miserable now but I suppose we never had anyone to compare ourselves to like now.

I could never be a parent to young children now.