Why does no one talk about what parenting is really like.

[Mama9076]

After having my first baby, even after attending NCT classes I was completely shocked and I don’t think anything could prepare me for the, exhaustion and sheer relentlessness looking after a baby takes. Especially after having a tough birth with no time to recover. My friends who had been super excited for me to join the mum club and so positive, suddenly opened up about how hard they found it to. It’s like a secret club that only unlocks once you have a baby yourself. Going in eyes wide open for baby#2. I find myself not being open and honest with friends that are expecting their first. Are you like this or are you honest about how it is?

I absolutely agree too!

I agree with the secret mum club thing. The relentlessness and exhaustion.

I have a 2yo and a 4mo, and both have had their sleep go to shit recently. SIL just had first baby and when I expressed my frustration she said “you can’t possibly function on so little sleep”. I was like “watch me”. I have to function, what am I supposed to do? Tell the kids to change their own nappies?

When DS1 was little I was very open but these days I tell people it’s “fine”, good bits, bad bits, but mostly fine if a bit monotonous.

I don’t think anything really prepares you. I’m sure I was told it was hard work but having a child is so lovely.. so I think your brain just takes the positive bit and pushes the “it’s very hard work” to the back of the brain. Then it hits you once baby is here.

I found the newborn bit so lovely, despite the exhaustion.. but that may be because I know we’ll never do it again and I miss it, or because both my children weren’t awful sleepers and we got pretty lucky. But now they’re 2 and 4 and oh my god I am more exhausted than ever 😂

This.

As others have said I think it’s due to being branded miserable and cruel if you try to ‘warn’ new mothers or prospective parents of how difficult it is. There’s also an element of us all having arrogance ‘my kid won’t be like that’ which I’m sure is needed to continue the human race! I adored newborns so I wouldn’t have been negative about that stage as it was gorgeous. The drudgery of daily parenting with two young kids can be crushing but they are also fun and sweet and silly and they bring so much to life.

I think it’s good to be reassuring and honest especially when people are struggling so they don’t feel alone, but the daily ‘parenting is a chore’ etc doesn’t really help anyone.

@SwordToFlamethrower I agree. We also have number 2, who was an appalling sleeper, and I still feel the same way. I wish I could stop time passing so quickly.

Labour on the other hand was just as bad as I imagined. Actually - worse, because I can’t to this day describe the excruciating agony. I had a back to back baby and was thankfully given an epidural at just 1cm. Bad birth injuries too because of the position she was in, PPH etc . The second was an ELCS.

I think there is a massive and overwhelming narrative that parenting is hard and relentless and shit. It’s absolutely everywhere. But I guess you’re not in that world before you have kids, and for someone to point it out to someone who is excitedly pregnant would be really shit behaviour. It’s never been a secret that parenting is hard though?? I’d like to see a bit more positivity about it actually!

I think (as a woman with a professional job who had a child early thirties so just my experience) that life pre children is now often pretty like an extended adolescence with lots of time to travel/ go to restaurants/ sleep in. So it can be a shock when suddenly you are massively constrained.

That said I've bloody loved it and can't wait to do it again! I read somewhere that yes it's hard but everything worth doing in life is hard.

Also the impression I got from nct was that life with a new born would be an unrelenting 24/7 nightmare so I was pleasantly surprised when it was actually quite tiring but fine. And I had a hideous birth so it wasn't all roses. I think there is loads out there about how hard parenting is!

I think it's more complicated than that. Everybody has a different experience, different hurdles to overcome and how resilient you are and your frame of mind plays into how you will cope as well.

I don't tell my pregnant friends of the struggles I had, because why worry them about something they may not experience?

What I do though, is send messages after the baby is born reminding my friends that I am here for the ups and downs. That's what I wish I had known.

Your hormones tell you you want a baby - not your brain.
But populations are diminishing in many countries. I would say that’s evidence of it not being easy.

I actually think people do.. they don’t seem to shut up about how hard it is and how tired and grumpy and ‘done’ they are, especially on social media! In person, I’ve found people can be a bit more balanced, they love it but it can be tough etc but you still get so much of ‘jUsT yOu WaIt’.
That being said, I’ve never been one to complain because I haven’t found it very hard yet. DS is only two so I’ve plenty of time I suppose!

This.

If we’re honest we quickly dismiss other people’s POV’s on many things, parenting included.

Despite an horrendous birth I found the newborn stage with my first ok. I really, really struggled going from 1-2 children and got PPD and PPA then. I have also struggled with the changes to my boy since my birth with my first and the physical limitations that have come with it. But none of that his guaranteed from one women to the next so warning about a possibility, which statistically might be quite small is hardly going to change their minds.

If it's so hard why do people go on to have a second .. or third etc child?

Personally I had a very easy baby, supportive DH and very comfortable lifestyle ... but I still would never have had a second child.

I feel exactly like that about a third.

I agree. Little girls are indoctrinated.

It’s heart, because no one wants to tell someone who is pregnant or expecting a baby how hard it is because they don’t need to hear it when they have an experience it yet and it will seem cruel at the same time.

It can also be wonderful especially if you have an easy baby, but again you’re not allowed to say that to people with newborns and maybe babies who are not easy because you might make them feel shit that their babies aren’t easy and they’re not enjoying every aspect of motherhood.

So basically as mothers you can never win that’s all mothers need to know.

Not heart, HARD*

Not sure its intentionally secretive just everyone's experience is different I would never feel comfortable

I have 5 daughters, first birth was horrific, and 4th equally dreadful. The other 3 unremarkable.

1st daughter was an ideal baby, slept through the night quickly and couldn't have bern an easier introduction to parenthood. I even took her with me to a course I had signed up to attend 2 days a week and she just slept

The next 2 were the opposite and the last two peaceful again.

Point being if I had told anyone about any pf these births and baby experiences it wouldn't have been reflective of all.

Even the same mother can experience total different things and let's face it they move from stage to stage so quickly it almost doesn't matter.

This is so true.
I remember taking the baby to a family christening and one girl I knew from school said to me “it’s hard isn’t it” and I wanted to hug her and cry because all I’d had was a flurry of people saying how lovely the baby is etc 😂.

This.

I did NCT a second time as I had just moved a long way and wanted to build up a bit of a network. I remember thinking first time around why didn't they tell us what it would be like. I realised on the second course that they do tell you, you just don't listen/believe!

I think it's complicated.

Firstly, as evidenced on this thread, people's experiences and views of parenthood are really diverse. There are those who find it relatively easy and simply can't understand why such a big fuss is made about motherhood whilst on the other hand there are plenty who really regret having children and have found it has had a profound impact on the quality of their life, their career and their relationships. There are also plenty of people who are somewhere in the middle of these two experiences. My point is, there isn't one 'truth' that can be shared that will allow people deciding to have children to foreshadow the impact that a child will on their lives. We all roll the dice and see what kind of child we get, how we will cope and how it will impact our partners and lives.

Secondly I think there is a weird divide and growing divide between families and the rest of society. So when you are having children, you are more likely to share stories with friends, engage with social media about the difficulties of having kids and just be immersed in that world. Those without children, naturally just don't give it that much thought and therefore are unlikely to really understand the amount of work and effort involved with raising a family. As more of us choose not to have families or to have them later in life, then we as a society are have less exposure to the realities of family life and this is where misunderstandings and fale expectations can creep in. The expectation that you can be the perfect employee and perfect parent at the same time for example, seems to be getting more prevalent. Until you have experienced trying to do both then you realise that it's literally impossible. The list goes on, but all these expectations weigh heavily on parents and make the whole experience much harder.

I think they do talk about it but if you've not experienced it you have no relatable experience that you can liken it to, that all consuming, never ending responsibility. Its life changing.

People talk about it all the time! It's why so many people don't have kids. Folk hear what they want to hear.

My friends and family were brutally honest about it while I was pregnant and I found it utterly awful. At one family event they sat around laughing at how hard I was going to have it (their kids are all over 5 so sleepless nights etc aren't an issue). I found it so horrible. There was nothing I could do about it at that stage so what was the point in all this negativity. I actually found people to be so bloody negative and it drove me mad. I am sorry I didn't think to ask them if it was all so hard why did they opt to have more children!

I had the opposite!! People were predominantly so OTT bloody negative. Whilst I took it with a pinch of salt... it was fairly obvious if baby needs feeding every few hours it'd be quite 'tiring' in the early days 🤷‍♀️ Likewise it was pretty obvious parenting is a big commitment forever until I die!! That said, given the doom monger comments, I've actually found parenting much easier than I was led to believe. From the early days I made sure I took time out for myself, that space and time to be me and not responsible made everything seem easier (and still does - my son is nearly 7). I am fretting a bit about the teenage years... but again people are predominately so negative!!