Why does no one talk about what parenting is really like.

[Mama9076]

After having my first baby, even after attending NCT classes I was completely shocked and I don’t think anything could prepare me for the, exhaustion and sheer relentlessness looking after a baby takes. Especially after having a tough birth with no time to recover. My friends who had been super excited for me to join the mum club and so positive, suddenly opened up about how hard they found it to. It’s like a secret club that only unlocks once you have a baby yourself. Going in eyes wide open for baby#2. I find myself not being open and honest with friends that are expecting their first. Are you like this or are you honest about how it is?

They do talk. It's just that society has decided that mums are boring idiots with nothing worthwhile to say, so no one listens.

My DP was one of those 'ooh, it'll be so lovely, why would you want to be negative, I won't read any parenting stuff' people. And I was a dyed-in-the-wool MNer who entered into it in a state of dread. I found it unexpectedly lovely, despite the gut-wrenching exhaustion (which, I do agree, is not something you can convey without experiencing it). DP found it a massive shock to the system.

I have to admit, having been the person constantly saying 'erm ... have you looked at any parenting books? have you had a read of MN? Did you look at those billions of articles in mainstream media?' I do struggle a bit with the idea that the blame lies with mums not 'being open and honest'.

I've always thought it's a biological thing. I hated having a newborn, had PND, was miserable and in tears most of the time but now I look back and think that I could easily do it again and it wasn't that bad was it? I was just making a fuss about nothing! I'm not planning a second but I can definitely see that your brain probably has to make you forget some of the really tough times in order to let you procreate again.

I would say that having insomnia for years is very helpful for when you have a baby. Sitting under the sofa with a snoozing baby and watching a film on TV is infinitely easier than trying to work on a couple of hours of broken sleep.

Well, basically the bad bits are worse than you could ever have imagined but the good bits are way better than you could ever have imagined. And the proportion you get is a bit random.

I think that's it in a nutshell.

It must depend on your social circle- friends, family, colleagues etc. I could always see the people I knew doted on their children but they were always very open about the tough stuff as well as the nice bits. Additionally I grew up with 3 younger brothers which was some kind of preparation. From what I've seen, it's the new parents who haven't been 'exposed' to babies and children as much that generally get a bit more of a shock.

I had my first DC 11 months ago and I think I went into it with my eyes wide open. It's amazing and it's hard. I'm pregnant with DC2 already and I'm hearing lots about how much harder it is with a toddler and a newborn. And also how lovely it is to have them so close together.

My FTM colleague, when pregnant, specifically said she didn't want to hear any negativity about parenthood through her pregnancy. Me, Mum of four, therefore kept my mouth shut.

She's had baby 6 months ago. Says it's hideous and she will never, ever go through this again. Felt she was deceived and unprepared for the real-life practicalities. Well, yeah...

It seems to me that in real life and in here, negative is the only acceptable narrative. Try posting anything positive about breastfeeding and see what happens to you!

Another here who thinks it's very much talked about. I was on MN a long time before my first was born and I felt I was as prepared as could be. Newborn stage was as expected, tired but it
I managed. It was the later months I found hard, juggling work, teething, not sleeping when other people's babies were pretty reliably sleeping through the night.
I just don't think hearing about it is the same as living it, for months on end. I haven't found parenting in itself hard, it's the fitting in the rest of life alongside that's the hard bit.

Totally agree. I very very rarely hear anyone talk about how amazing being a parent is, just constant misery about how's it's all doom and gloom.

Only if you've been living under a rock would you not hear the endless complaining from people.

I'm child free because it seems very hard having children. To me people talk about how hard it is all the time. On here, personally and in media. I'm pretty surprised when people say haven't been told tbh.

People do? Endlessly? I think it's positive parenting content that is harder to come by and actually much more maligned.

I had my first at your age and felt the same! I'd always felt like I would never be able to cope with giving birth or being a mum.. and the early days were tough but it's so worth it. The first time they smile at you, there's no feeling like it! You got this 💪

Everyone needs to have their own experience of everything, not just hear from others about their experience.

I think people don't want to:
Scare people
Don't want to ruin peoples excitement.
And maybe don't want to admit they find it hard.

When it actually would be more useful for people, if people said the truth.

People do this about everything. I have an analogy!

My friend climbed Everest base camp a while ago, and I asked her how it was. She said "oh it was really easy, just a stroll, a lot of flat walking for a long way, it was so easy".

After she did it, I got the idea to do it, and two years later I climbed to Everest base camp. I found it very very hard, I got extremely sick with altitude sickness and I was having heart pains up at high altitude. I regretted doing it.

I think my friend didn't tell me about any of the hard parts. She glossed over it. And said it was easy.

Later on a man asked me about everest base camp, because he wanted to do it. I did try to tell him that it was hard but he said "oh I like a challenge" and he only wanted to hear about the good things.

I've found it really hard work and wonderful in equal measures. No regrets at all.

Please don't think like that. It's so hard when you've experienced pregnancy loss, because you can't be carefree any more. But, you absolutely are cut out for this. You'll be brilliant, I am sure.

Sorry I’m not sure where you’ve been if you hadn’t heard how hard it is. I think people caring for you or close to you don’t want to bang on about it before the birth as most expectant parents are feeling anxious enough about what’s to come and are best taking one step at a time.

Sure I think it would be brilliant if there was a lot more help for new mothers, e.g. if I could of just had someone care for baby between feeds in the night for the first week and cook for me it would of made the experience so much better and can imagine must be all the more awful if had a traumatic birth. Would help if society changed its attitude to the care of new mothers

I think people don't talk about what it is 'really like' because it can be so different for everyone especially those early days

I was very open with people about how hard I found it with Child 1 but I think people without children assume they will be different. I have to say though I think once you've earned your stripes with number 1 then you are fine. I found Child 2 a doddle, even though I allegedly had a traumatic birth. I remember Child 1 I got home and it kind of hit me, shit this is it now, we are responsible 24/7 for this little human. Once you have that mindset that your children are the priority I think it is much easier.

I think people do talk about it. I’m childless but really want children. I know it’s going to be the hardest thing I’ll ever do. Nevertheless there’s nothing I want more. I blame biology.

I was so naive before I had my first. I had so many preconceived ideas about what kind of Mother I'd be & what kind of baby I'd have, thought I had it sussed haha.

Then reality hit & I didn't have a clue how hard it would be. In the days & weeks after giving birth I was shocked by how overwhelming the love I had for him was, like it was too much almost painful. I don't think you can understand that until you feel it.

I think there is plenty of the bad and the good publicised.
But NO one's says or tells you how bloody boring it is...i was never exhausted by lack of sleep..I was just numbed be boredom...
Never felt fulfilled or content...until they were young teens and then I sort of "got it".

My second, third and fourth children were all really good sleepers. Especially DC3, who was sleeping 12h from 7 weeks old.

Try saying that on the Mumsnet Sleep Board...

You get disbelieved or accused of outright lying if you say positive stuff.

I think part of the problem is that a lot of first time mums go into their own little 'isn't it wonderful - I'm pregnant!' bubble. They ask what it's like to give birth and to have to look after a baby, and you can tell them that it's probably going to hurt and they won't get a lot of sleep and babies can be difficult and the whole thing can be a shock. But all the newly pregnant woman thinks is 'none of this applies to me, my baby is going to slide out painlessly and be the best behaved little treasure ever to be born.'
It is almost impossible to visualise how things are going to change until they do.

Personally I am super honest about my experience but I often find most of the people I speak to without children don’t really care - so I don’t bang on about it unless someone wants to know or unless I am speaking to another parent because we get each other.

Most conversations I have had with people without children involved them kind of smiling and nodding along blankly - or reply with interest but from their tone I can tell that they can’t quite comprehend the complexity of being a parent - and would rather talk about something else (apart from the very view and they tend to have specific questions like “how do you balance work” and “what makes parenting so amazing…”

I have spoken to a few people who do care, but again, I find parenting is one of those experiences that you will never wrap your head around until you experience it.

I tend to find during pregnancy you don’t want to scare off the mum to be - and when I was pregnant I didn’t really want to hear horror stories.

These days on Instagram or social channels you will easily find influencers that are very raw about their experience and birthing. I’ve noticed it does 2 things:

1. scares people from having children (so many of my friends that don’t have children are quite petrified and feel like it’s a life sentence).
2. Accept the information that they are hearing and think to themselves “it might be different when I have children.”
3. make mental notes - and probably over prepare when it’s their turn.

I was one of the first in my group to have a child and no matter how honest I’ve been, when they have their first l, their reaction is always “well nobody told me it would be like this…”