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Original poster

Was I wrong to make my 2 year old do this?

248 replies

milliec · 08/03/2008 15:54

Message withdrawn

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

nailpolish · 08/03/2008 23:48

if i made my five year odl to apologise to a stranger she wold be terrified

id talk to her - she would say sorry to ME i know she would - but i would as her mother say say sorry to the strange lady in the shop. i am her advocate after all until she is an adult

FAQ · 08/03/2008 23:48

you know what I never used to make DS1 apologise when he was that age - he STILL never really says it now (he's 7)

DS2 I did start making him apologise for "big" things (such as stealing) and although he's only 4 he does say sorry of his own accord on a reasonably regular basis.

At what age should we expect them to say sorry on their own???

edam · 08/03/2008 23:48

Ds half-inched some nail clippers from the ironmongers the other day. He's 4, so different scenario to OP, but FWIW he got a MAJOR telling off, an explanation of why it was wrong, and marched back to the shop to apologise. He was very embarrassed and really didn't want to go in so I think he now understands quite how big a deal it was.

The lady in the shop was lovely - bit of a shame in a way as think it would have been more effective if she'd told him off.

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S1ur · 08/03/2008 23:48

Oh I love 2 yo too.

My littlest baby is only 18m and he is fiercly independent but actually compeltely dependent.

I wouldn't make my dd apologise if she thought it wasn't right though, she is 3.5.

I think apologising (and I mean in terms of actual deliberate damage etc) should be suggested as a possibility but I don't want her to do it just for me, but she is beginning to hone her sense of justice and empathy to include saying sorry (and meaning it) to those you've hurt physically or emotionally.

The thing is even at 3.5 she is filled with incredible emotions that affect her behaviour. It is unfair to expect the same level of understanding and consideration as a grown-up.

I have to remind myself that tough she talks like an adult she is still only a baby.

aGalChangedHerName · 08/03/2008 23:49

None of my 2 year olds would have realised they were "stealing" so how would have making them apologise have taught them anything? I would have returned to shop and given the item back but nothing more than that.

Oh and btw none of my dc are shoplifters!!

Reallytired · 08/03/2008 23:49

Joolyjoolyjoo ,
"OK, why should I apologise for my child- she is her own person, and should only apologise if she decides to, after I have explained to her why I think she should. She may only be 2, but she is a little person in her own right, and is learning to find her way in the world, which I think is great. "

Parents have a responsibly for their child's behaviour. In these circumstances the parent should DEFINATELY apologise for their lack of viligance.

My son was non verbal at 28 months. There is no way he could have apologised. Thankfully at 28 months he limited his stealing to the home.

nailpolish · 08/03/2008 23:50

faq my children always s say sorry

this thread is upsetting me im off to kiss my bairns good night an go to bed

FAQ · 08/03/2008 23:50

nailpolish - are you suggesting then that as your are your DC's advocate until they're 18 that you'll be the one saying sorry on their behalf until they reach 18? At what point are they supposed to learn??

Walnutshell · 08/03/2008 23:50

Jooly, I understand your point even if I disagree, but in particular: "why should I apologise for my child- she is her own person, and should only apologise if she decides to-" - a 2 year old is so far from understanding what we adults take for granted as acceptable (or not) in the modern world that guidance and protection is required for a number of years yet.

It's fairly fruitless to herd a two year old into the mannerisms of an adult and expect that lesson to be enduring.

DontCallMeBaby · 08/03/2008 23:50

Apology doesn't = humiliation, being MADE to say something is humilating - I was excrutiatingly shy as a child, and being made to say 'thank you for having me' after a party made me want to curl up and disappear (weird child) so after that I'm hugely wary of MAKING DD say anything. Nevertheless, she already (nearly 4) see s 'sorry' as a 'get out of jail free' card - say 'sorry', carry right on.

It's hard to say - I wouldn't do what the OP did (for the record, I'd go in, hand the item back, say 'sorry, but DD is very little and doesn't understand about paying', having hoisted DD up to hip so I know she's listening', and give her the lecture on paying and ownership at some point). But it's not such a dreadful thing to have done.

Oh, how we beat ourselves up.

FAQ · 08/03/2008 23:52

NP - don't be upset - it's just a different way of parenting - doesn't mean the OP (and those that agree with her) is wrong or that you (and those that agree with you) are wrong

Sleep well

nailpolish · 08/03/2008 23:52

oh fgs faq dont twist my words

good night

hatwoman · 08/03/2008 23:52

gomez - I'm fine. are you ok? I have to go to bed so can't stay much longer (in this very interesting thread) but I would say that it teaches them about social behaviour - just one element of this whole picture. it teaches them that, "this is what you do", in a nice society, if you're a nice person. I agree it's not the whole lesson - the whiole lesson takes years. I have to say I don;t feel massively strongly - I think there's not so great a debate here. we all agree they need to learn. and we all agree that love, patience, explanations, and our own actions are key elements of teaching....really must go to bed now.

hatwoman · 08/03/2008 23:54

anyone else having a chuckle at the things they pinch? in-soles and nail clippers? love'm

FAQ · 08/03/2008 23:54

NP!! I wasn't trying to twist your words - I was just trying to say that........oh never mind - I wasn't trying to be horrible

gomez · 08/03/2008 23:55

I am well. And you are right, I think we are all singing from the same hymn sheet as they say (in a game of buzz word bingo).

Joolyjoolyjoo · 08/03/2008 23:56

Nailpolish- did I say anything about forcing her to apologise?? I'd love to think my dd was still a baby, but in so many ways she is definitely her own wee person- and a wee star, I may add! I too allow my kids to grow up naturally, and they are smarter than a lot of you would give them credit for! I agree with hatwoman- they learn gradually, through repetition. Would you let your child bite, until you thought they were old enough to understand that it hrt? How do they understand? If another child bites them? Do you wait for that to happen before explaining to them that it isn't (by society's standards) nice, and that they should feel remorse? I'm genuinely interested in how people think we learn remorse? I'm not actually sure that true remorse actually exists. It goes against the whole survival-of-the-fittest thinking that makes evolution go round, but we have somehow subverted it to live in an unnatural society where people don't tolerate egoism. Do animals feel remorse? I honestly think it is a conditioned concept rather than a natural one, and as such needs to be taught. Now that I come to think about it more deeply!

Walnutshell · 08/03/2008 23:56

FAQ - why the fear that if you don't teach the toddler, the behaviour will continue into adulthood?

What rubbish!

I have changed in every year of my life and certainly do not expect to train my 2yo ds now for behaviour expected later. Are people really so frightened that if their 2 or 3 year old isn't complying according to their adult standards now, they will be somehow deviant later?

I'd laugh if it wasn't so depressing.

Mumcentreplus · 08/03/2008 23:57

(sighs)...I think millie thought she was doing the right thing...and that no real psychological damage has occurred to her DD...sometimes we just get it a little wrong thats all...at 2 I think you should explain more than chastise...but i also agree a child has to be taught right from wrong...it's hard to balance..

FAQ · 08/03/2008 23:59

Walnut - i've just said to NP I wasn't trying to twist her words - so please don't twist mine

Walnutshell · 09/03/2008 00:00

Oh jooly, you act as those your children are winking and laughing behind your back as they get one over on you. However smart they might be, they are still learning and have no idea the nuances of adult life. Which is so far from perfect that I'm surprised people spring to defend.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 09/03/2008 00:01

But Walnutshell you haven't yet explained when or how this epiphany will come to your child?? that's why you teach it at toddler stage- it's like teaching your puppy not to bite and jump up. I don't understand why it is depressing to be teaching basic manners to your child?

Walnutshell · 09/03/2008 00:02

FAQ, I responded to "At what point are they supposed to learn??" and nothing else. Apologies if I have misconstrued but I don't think I have.

gomez · 09/03/2008 00:02

But learning through repetition is like learning through rote - yip your 7 year old can spew out their time tables but don't as a question out of order or they are buggered - i.e. they don't really understand the concept.

FAQ · 09/03/2008 00:03

oh forget it - I knew I shouldn't have got involved

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