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Was I wrong to make my 2 year old do this?

248 replies

milliec · 08/03/2008 15:54

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
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gomez · 08/03/2008 23:32

Yip OP you were too harsh. I would have scooped the toy up, taken it back to the shop and apologised. I would have explained to DD that I had already said that she couldn't have the toy and that was why I took it back. End of. No conversation on stealing/aplogising etc. At 2 I want my children to do what I ask them to do and learn from that. I trust myself to show them what is or isn't correct behaviour - as they grown they will then begin to learn why I ask certain things of them.

hatwoman · 08/03/2008 23:33

not possible to tell if Milliec's dd was humiliated. or any other child in a similar situation. humiliating them isn;t good, I agree. also (in answer to earlier post) compassion and patience are entirely compatible with taking the toy back and getting the child to apologise. and praising them for apologising. ie ending up with a positive note.

having said that it's a difficult and nuanced situation and pretty difficult to either generalise or to say what milliec should have done.

aGalChangedHerName · 08/03/2008 23:33

I am sorry but i can't believe this thread. Your dd is still a baby fgs. My dc did stuff like this and you know what?? They are honest nice dc and that happened without me marching them into shops to flipping say sorry.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

mrsruffallo · 08/03/2008 23:34

Sorry about typos!
I think apologising over hurting someone and explaining that your actions cause pain is a different kettle of fish Slur

nailpolish · 08/03/2008 23:34

omg am a ll teary eyed at gomez's post

mrsruffallo · 08/03/2008 23:36

I like a Gal

Blossem · 08/03/2008 23:36

Parenting is a role that no-one can really prepare you for, and moments like these are integral to it.

I read loads of books both through my pregnancy and during the really early years when my twins weren't sleeping a wink, even though I was ill with exhaustion. You see, like every other mum I have met, I too wanted to get a good routine and be a good mother. Reading the books was a sure fire way of getting it right. Or so I thought.

Later when the kids got to about four-years-old, I stopped paying as much attention to the parenting books because some of the things just didn't sit well with me. Without realising it, I slowly learnt to trust my own instinct.

It was something that happened as I gained confidence in being a mother. I think what you did at the shop was something you felt you had to do. Disciplining children can be as complex or as simple as we like. Your obvious retrospective guilt is a very normal feature of parenting. We all have guilt on our shoulders, just like our own parents, and their parents and so on. No-one escapes the guilt, unless of course they are devoid of the most basic human emotions, so you are very normal.

I think you should give yourself a break, It's obvious that you love your child very much to worry about whether you got it right. That alone is a a sign of an intelligent, caring and learning mother, someone who really cares about doing the best for her child.

Take care

Walnutshell · 08/03/2008 23:36

thanks gomez for saving me the effort of making that point

aGalChangedHerName · 08/03/2008 23:38

Like you too Mrsruffalo,jeez let em be littlies for a wee while eh?

Making little children feel ashamed amd upset doesn't work. They do learn without humiliation.

Mumcentreplus · 08/03/2008 23:38

lol@NP...(she's so hormonal)..

hatwoman · 08/03/2008 23:38

nice post blossem

nailpolish · 08/03/2008 23:39

i love 2 yr olds

protect them from RL as much as poss i say

Walnutshell · 08/03/2008 23:39

d'you know what, aGal, when you typed this "Your dd is still a baby fgs" I thought - yep, that's how I think of my baby - he's 2. A baby. Why such a rush to make them behave as mini-adults? I realise I have more confidence than I thought in allowing ds to grow up gradually. Thanks.

Mumcentreplus · 08/03/2008 23:41

V good post Blossem...we as mothers beat ourselves up too much and seek approval..we all know you love your little DD millie and thats what counts...just keep showing her how much

hatwoman · 08/03/2008 23:41

I don't think anyone here has said that humiliation is a good thing. small children can be persuaded to apologise - and praised for doing so - without humiliation.

mrsruffallo · 08/03/2008 23:42

Tis true, they have so much to learn. The older my dc get, the more I realise how young they are..does that make sense

mrsruffallo · 08/03/2008 23:42

Agree with Kinder too about copying

aGalChangedHerName · 08/03/2008 23:42

walnut my ds1 is 16.5 and my dd2 is 18 months and i have realised how young all my dc are. Keep em young for as long as possible,as long as you show them the right way they get there and turn out right. My dc are sooooper and make me proud!!!

Taking a toy from a shop is no biggie

Joolyjoolyjoo · 08/03/2008 23:43

OK, why should I apologise for my child- she is her own person, and should only apologise if she decides to, after I have explained to her why I think she should. She may only be 2, but she is a little person in her own right, and is learning to find her way in the world, which I think is great. Had I taken something and apologised, then yes, she would have learned from my actions.

I also don't see why apology=humiliation. Apologising can be a very positive thing, and can make you feel good- that is what i'd prefer to pass on to my kids. I see no harm in them practising the method now, even though they might not fully understand the sentiment. My 2yr old likes lots of books where I'm guessing she doesn't truly understand a lot of the words and/ or sentiments, but it doesn't stop me reading them to her- she'll get something out of them (by the way, I'm talking about the Gruffalo et al, not Einstein's theory of relativity!) I'm not some draconian mum, dragging my browbeaten child to grovel at the feet of fire-breathing shop assistants (in fact, I'm not the OP, and have never done this, so starting to wonder why I am arguing her case!!!) but I do see nothing wrong in trying to instil a few moral values in beside tales of fantastical woodland creatures and general life-experience. I can't really see why that makes me an ogre.

Reallytired · 08/03/2008 23:43

I think that two year olds have to learn that "No means No". Ie. if you said they can't have the toy then you need to stick to it.

Children do test the boundaries during the terrible twos. It happens and its not the end of the world if a two year old takes something from the shop.

I agree that you cannot have an in depth conversation about stealing with a two year old. You can say something like "This toy belongs does not belong to us, we are returning to the shop."

I think a two year old can learn from seeing Mummy apologise. It is better to see and adult making a TRUE apology than a two year old saying sorry for something they don't understand.

Contray to popular belief, Feltham Young Offenders Unit does not have a nursery section.

Walnutshell · 08/03/2008 23:45

Blossem, you do make a relevant point. I will however note that much of this discussion has developed as a result of the original post rather than in direct response to the original post.
Without doubt I hope I can stand next to all mothers (parents) who question and look to develop their parenting skills and understanding rather than seek nothing but justification for what amounts to a snap judgement - which of course we are all subject to making.

gomez · 08/03/2008 23:45

Aye but Hatwoman (how are you BTW?) what does persuading a 2 year old to aplogise really achieve, if they don't know why/what they have done wrong?

nailpolish · 08/03/2008 23:45

jooly im sorry but your child is still a baby at 2 and fgs you cant force a baby to apologise

hatwoman · 08/03/2008 23:46

interesting what you say walnut about letting them grow up gradually - it's precisely because I realise they do grow up gradually - and learn gradually, over a long period of time, that I don;t think the OP was too harsh. teaching them all this stuff takes years. and personally I think being consistent over those years eases the process. the more I think about it the more I think that there is a a bit of a false dichotomy in this whole thread. I;m really not sure we're all that far apart.

gomez · 08/03/2008 23:47

Continuing my last post - except maybe knowing they have pissed their mum/dad/gran of - in which they will be confused as to why they are apologising to the random shopkeeper person.