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Original poster

Was I wrong to make my 2 year old do this?

248 replies

milliec · 08/03/2008 15:54

Message withdrawn

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

bluenosesaint · 08/03/2008 22:48

Mmmm - i'm kind of sitting on the fence here. I wouldn't have marched my two year old back into the shop to apologise, but i would have taken it off him, and i would have gone immediately back to the shop and apologised myself.

I would also have spoken to 2 year old about how we don't take things that don't belong to us.

I certainly wouldn't have paid for it.

I disagree that 2 year olds are too young to learn right from wrong.
And i do think that 2 year olds are being underestimated when people say they are too young for lesson-learning.
And if we don't guide them telling them right from wrong, how else will they learn??

My 8 month old dd pulls my 5 year olds hair and i gently tell her not to do it because it will hurt her sister. I'm pretty sure she hasn't got a clue what i'm talking about, but i tell her anyway (and it makes 5yo dd feel better )

SoupDragon · 08/03/2008 22:51

Not entirely sure what point you're trying to make, Walnutshell, but making a child apologise for taking something is hardly harsh.

Walnutshell · 08/03/2008 22:52

They can learn on a level that is not the dizzy heights expected here.

Fiercely independent? Or showing a bit of character, stubborness, resistence?.

No two-year-old is actually independent in any way, shape or form.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

EiWishFor3MoreWishes · 08/03/2008 22:53

sorry i meant jooly
xx ei xx

nailpolish · 08/03/2008 22:53

i think it harsh if you make them apologise

id apololgise on my dds behalf, and return the toy, then have a chat to dd

Joolyjoolyjoo · 08/03/2008 22:54

So as I said, do you then not try to explain to your children that taking a toy away from another child is wrong? do you ask them to apologise to the other child, considering that you don't believe them to understand remorse? My dd does very little "just to please mummy!!!" In my dreams...(sigh!) I have a feisty wee monkey, who knows enough to blame her big sister for any misdemeanour she commits and saying "it was an accident!" 2 seconds after sinking her teeth into big sis! Whether she is or isn't able to actually understand (or feel!) remorse, I still think it is of value to teach the appropriate response, otherwise how does she learn what remorse is? As someone said, will she just wake up one morning and suddenly be sorry for all the naughtiness? Surely saying sorry is good behaviour, and is to be reinforced and commended, so that there is a positive slant on the situation, as opposed to just the negative of taking the thing. OK, parental approval might be the reward at this stage, but it's still teaching that it feels good to do the right thing, is it not?

Walnutshell · 08/03/2008 22:54

"making a child apologise for taking something is hardly harsh."

Depends on their age, comprehension and how the message is delivered.

Biccy · 08/03/2008 22:55

Although, on the other hand, if I'd already told her she couldn't have it, I wouldn't have paid for it, just taken it back - I think she could quickly learn to take things if she saw that resulted in her getting to keep them.

nailpolish · 08/03/2008 22:56

what the fuck is wrong wiht letting children be children and we help them alogn the way - not force them

Walnutshell · 08/03/2008 22:56

Children can be trained to 'say' sorry without 'being' sorry - the latter takes more time, patience and effort.

S1ur · 08/03/2008 22:56

Children apologising is a good thing. My ds is 18m and apologises to his sister quite a lot when they are playing!

Its the apologising to a (stranger) adult that I think is particularly hard. My dd is very confident and happy to chat to any adult but saying sorry when you know you're wrong and feel bad and don't no the adult is a tough thing to ask of a little one.

This is all bit bogged down in blah blah semantics now.

nailpolish · 08/03/2008 22:57

i woldnt ahve let my dd have the toy she had taken - no way

S1ur · 08/03/2008 22:58

And FWIW my ds doesn't really have remorse about pulling his older sisters hair, but he does seem to recognise that him saying sorry will make her smile again.

That's enough for me for now.

Walnutshell · 08/03/2008 23:00

exactly slur, he's not old enough to understand remorse, but to be 'trained' to a reaction. that can't be a good thing to foster.

Kindersurpise · 08/03/2008 23:04

Sometimes I think making a child say sorry when it does not feel remorse is a bad thing. It is like a "Get out of jail free card", allowing them to misbehave again.

I noticed this with my DS, at around 2.5yo. He would hit his sister, I would make him apologise, he said sorry then hit her again. It took a lot longer to get through to him that it was not ok to hit his sister.

Walnutshell · 08/03/2008 23:07

Yes kinder, exactly, and pretty logical really.

FAQ · 08/03/2008 23:09

I would have done the same thing.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 08/03/2008 23:13

makes me think- why do you or I say sorry? What do you mean by feeling remorse? I have apologised for upsetting a friend, even though what I said was true and valid, but I felt bad because she was upset- is that genuine remorse? If you bump into someone in the street and you say "oh, sorry!" are you ACTUALLY remorseful? Do you actually go through the thought processes that lead you to genuine remorse, or is it just a courteous apology? You say to someone that you are "sorry" you can't come to a function etc, but are you really? It seems to me, that in society we are conditioned to apologise for things that we don't necessarily feel truly remorseful about, but we do it out of manners and respect. The age we learn that at is neither here nor there- it's just the way society works.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 08/03/2008 23:13

PS Ei- I don't mind being Jolly!

Walnutshell · 08/03/2008 23:14

jooly:
"I still think it is of value to teach the appropriate response, otherwise how does she learn what remorse is?" - perhaps by teaching the appropriate response by rote and too soon, you may diminish or undermine that sense of justice that we often don't give children credit for but which can be fostered over time.

Walnutshell · 08/03/2008 23:15

"The age we learn that at is neither here nor there- it's just the way society works." - Well, personally, I would like ds to understand and question this while respecting other people. It's not as wildly impossible as threads like this would have us imagine.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 08/03/2008 23:15

Hmm- Walnut,I hate to say it, but I have a feeling if I left my 3 to their own devices the law of the jungle would prevail!! I'm thinking Lord of the Flies......

S1ur · 08/03/2008 23:16

In my ds example.

Without going down the black hole of Calcutta that is the psychological analysis of an 18m old.....

I would say he is uncomfortable when his sister cries and is sad. He recognises his actions caused this response. He has worked out (through watching the way the rest of us interact) that saying sorry often makes people stop being upset and start playing again.

Not trained, more a step to understanding how he has an effect in the world and the way we all effect each other.

nailpolish · 08/03/2008 23:16

have we forgotten this child was 2?

i think so

Walnutshell · 08/03/2008 23:17

I don't recall advocating leaving a 3 year old to their own devices.

I also see the 'law of the jungle' prevailing at the hands of those far older and more responsible than a 3 year old.

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