Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 3

[01Name]

Following on from this thread: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610023-to-ask-for-your-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers?page=39&reply=120137262, started by @itsgoodtobehome as a tongue-in-cheek repository for anecdotes of appalling remarks/deeds from parents/siblings with rampant NPD. It morphed into a place where those of us suffering the effects of such behaviour could share experiences, solidarity, advice and support. It continued to a second thread here: Quotes from Narcissistic Mothers (& support for their victims) Thread 2 | Mumsnet I hope this thread can continue the good work of its predecessors. Your voice will be heard; your opinion and thoughts matter. You are welcome and valued here. The world is a better place with you in it, despite what you might have been conditioned to believe by those who brought you into it. x

@PurpleBubble I agree. I was shocked by all the "she's elderly you must host her" responses.

Spot on.

Once an NM, always an NM. They don’t change, and speaking from experience, they just get worse as they get older as they then use their age to hide behind, play upon or justify their bad behaviour.

My NM always had a nasty, spiteful tongue and when she got older, if I bit back, she would play the, “How can you speak to an elderly woman like this? If your father was still alive, he would be appalled at your treatment of me!”

I did Google about husbands of narcissistic mothers and the article I found did say the husband/partner of these women are scared of the wife and therefore pander to her, often to deflect the rage from them to the child instead - or they are generally weak men/people - and it does sound as if all our fathers seem to fit this depiction by enabling the mother to abuse the daughter (and in my case at least, the sons also but in a different way to me).

Poor us! Bad enough we got mothers like this, but we got fathers who enabled the abuse as well!

:(

Very interesting - I didn’t realise that.

Much as I loved my dad, I suspect he was probably weak and would rather have avoided confrontation than stop her intimidating me - even when it was right in front of him. A stronger personality would possibly not have got involved with or put up with someone like her in the first place, although she was very good at chameleon behaviour; somehow adjusting herself, role playing and convincing outsiders that she was the perfect woman. She could be a totally different and unrecognisable person and character when she was ‘performing’

I often wonder if she fooled dad just long enough to get pregnant with me and then tie him into marriage.

Yes, I do wonder what the early years of my parents relationship was like. It seems logical that my mum must have been nice to my dad then and it was later on that he became worn down to it. I do occasionally wonder if he genuinely didn't realise how bad my mum's behaviour towards us was - a lot of it took place when he wasn't there and then she just complained that we'd not been doing as we were told. Plus perhaps there is an element of him not knowing what "normal" looked like, in the same way that children experiencing it don't konw either - my dad had a very traumatic childhood, a lot of which he internalised and never spoke of.

I think all of that was true in my case, too. He didn’t witness things because he spent so long at work and what he did witness was explained away. And I suspect he wanted a quiet domestic life, as he hadn’t had that in his own childhood.

Sorry I haven't been about much, I've been really struggling. I hope I cam have some words of wisdom, or just understanding. My mum, literally a textbook narc still isn't talking to me. She hasn't since July. And my dad by default, who always ignores me if Mum gives him the order. My crime? My mum thinks I see my MIL too much and doesn't believe me when I say we only see her once a month.
My sister and I have on and off been allies. Both having grown up with the same narcissric abuse, manipulation, guilt complexes, weight expectations... My sister was anorexic and still is at 45 years old. I used to cut myself to pieces.
A few years ago I was brave and said to my mum that me, kids and husband were going away for Christmas rather than seeing her. You'd think I told her that I was a serial killer. My sister egged me on, encouraged me to be brave as if we broke the cycle, then it would also be easier for her to do something different with her family at Christmas when she wanted to.

Anyway, since my parents stopped talking to me in July, my sister has got gradually more and more quiet with me and started to refuse to talk to me about our parents and our suffering at their hands. We used to support each other so much. It felt very much like she'd moved over to the dark side. She has had them over for Christmas for the last 2 years when I have been away, despite saying that me going away would help her break free. Often when I'd text her, she'd send me huge long messages telling me she was too busy to reply to me and patronising me as if I also don't work and have 4 children...
Anyway, it got to the point where she stopped talking to me at all quite recently, but last night she text me to say that we would only do Christmas presents for the children. I honestly feel like this is another huge rejection 😕 I had already got her Christmas presents but will put them away for someone else I guess. I was brave and asked her what has happened, why are things like this between us after our shared history. She said she doesn't like conflict which is ironic after she has been so rude over text to me. She also said she doesn't feel like she can trust me, as historically she didn't know what I would pass back to mum about her. Mistrust in our family is huge- Mum quizzes us on every conversation we have with anyone that threatens her rein, but I have always been loyal to my sister. And why its come up now. I can't even fight it - how can I possibly prove my loyalty. I am also too exhausted with it all to do so. She then went on to say that she was angry with me when I wished my parents dead. This is absolutely not what was said - in one of our many conversations, I said to my sister that I feel I will only get peace when they've died.
My eldest son recently phoned my mum and heard how they're all having Christmas together this year.
I don't want to be part of it, but my sister feels like such a traitor. She's effectively ended our relationship and I do not know why.

I know the narc is amazing at divide and conquer but I am hurting so much today 😢I cannot stand to think my family all think I am rotten to the core, and so unjustly. If only they actually knew me.

@Nowanextraone I’m so genuinely sorry to read your post. I think you’re right - the divide and conquer game seems to have been used here. As children of narcs, we’re all vulnerable to the parent guilt card. I wonder if your sister has recently had it played on her and is caught up in conflicting feelings and had a bit of poison dripped in her ear? Possibly, for whatever reason, a bit more vulnerable to manipulation too?

As we all know, NPs are also very good at playing their victims off against each other by feeding them their version of events and putting doubt and mistrust in their minds about others. It’s another trait - create conflict amongst others and then stand back to admire your handiwork.

Christmas is a particularly emotionally hard time for adult children of NPs too. We’re repeatedly sold this image of relaxed happy families of several generations sharing precious time in a season of loving and giving when the opposite is true. We want it to work and have optimistic expectations but we spend the whole break on tenterhooks because the atmosphere and mood can be destroyed in moments by a judgmental, unjustly harsh or spiteful remark. I seriously think my NM didn’t think she’d had a good Christmas unless she’d either started a row over the Christmas dinner table or reduced me to tears!

As much as you can, try not to think about your sister and parents. Focus on your own family unit and having a good time with them. You can bet their festivities will not be as great as implied and you’ll certainly be more relaxed without them and you certainly don’t need to prove your loyalty to them. Your priority is your immediate family. I wouldn’t be surprised if your sister doesn’t admit in the New Year that the whole thing was awful and she made a mistake.

I genuinely feel for you. I was an only child and felt I so often took the brunt of my NMs behaviour, but I actually think she would have been far worse and much more manipulative had I had a sibling and played us off against each other. She even tried it between me and DH and when that was unsuccessful, my two DCs!

@Nowanextraone my NM has done this with one of my brothers. He’s no longer talking with me but has not heard my side of things. So only my youngest brother still talking to me now.

She will be playing victim to your sister. Either that or saying you have said stuff to your mum about her. It's a tactic they use. they are masters of twisting situations to enlist their flying monkeys.
Honestly for your own peace of mind either disengage, or only see her when others are there so you have witnesses and she can't twist the narrative to paint you as the baddie and her as the poor bemused victim who doesn't understand what she has done to deserve it.

@Nowanextraone - I'm so sorry. I was an only so I didn't have to deal with that.

But we know these spiteful women well. Your sister will soon get sick of it when she's on the receiving end of the treatment again.

You do know that if you were there for Christmas it would be miserable. You can have a lovely Christmas just with your own family.

I’ve a new one that just happened.

32 weeks pregnant “oh your bum has gotten very big and wide”

I detest her most of the time.

@Changedmymind99 - congratulations! How exciting!

That from your DM is jealousy. You are young and you will get attention. Don't let her spoil this for you.

These women should be delighted that their getting a DGC. My DM did everything possible to spoil my pregnancy. The old bitch.

I can't think you enough for all your support and care. I'm sorry I went AWOl, I've got myself into a right state and I tend to disappear into myself when that happens.
Eldest son went and had dinner with my mum this week and 2 days later blamed me for her abuse. Nice.

I think that sometimes people who know us and our insecurities well can sniff us out and create carnage for us, knowing that it is easy to call us mad after a life time of it from our family . My ex and my son's father who son now lives with called me to moan about the fact our son has not saved any money for his MOT as he goes out drinking/clubbing etc and told me he won't be bailing him out again. My signal was really poor so I ended the call and text him to agree.
Literally an hour later, my son phones me to start on me about why I'm slagging him off to his dad. His dad had screen shot my message and sent it straight to my son. I literally couldn't believe it. When I confronted my ex about this he called me mad and said I haven't done anything for our son since he was 16 when he moved in with my ex. My ex was a Sunday day for my son's whole life. When he moved in with my ex age 16 I was devastated. My ex had the absent father halo - my son adores him and all his loyalty is with him.

I just can't believe someone else has managed to gas light me and stitch me up this badly, but it's because my ex knew I was vulnerable to this type of thing.
So now I don't have parents, a sister or a son. Brilliant. It just gets better and better

Congratulations! Wonderful news 🥰

So sorry your mum said that. When I was pregnant my mum said to me 'I don't know what's bigger, your bum or your belly'. She also said 'wow, I didn't get all those stretch marks'.
When I cried, I was 'over sensitive'. Same old, same old

Hi everyone,

I’m back on the thread after unfortunately having a missed miscarriage recently. I should have been 11 weeks but measured only 6 - the sonographer found two embryos sharing one sac, both of which had stopped growing at around 6 weeks and neither with a heartbeat. I’m still waiting for management of any kind, at the moment it’s just weekly scans to check for any growth just as a precaution, even though we know we’re miscarrying now.

My mum unfortunately hasn’t been helpful. I didn’t want to tell her but DH thought we should. On the day of the first scan, when we first found out it was more than likely a miscarriage, I sent her a message explaining and said I was really sorry but I didn’t feel up to talking at the moment, but we’d catch up soon. Cue immediately two missed calls from her. DH ended up speaking to her because I couldn’t bear the thought of her voice in my ear.

The next morning, I woke up to a message from her along the lines of ‘if you need a hug, just say and I will be there ❤️❤️❤️’, complete with OTT hearts. We have never, ever had that kind of relationship, and it actually makes me furious that she makes these grand statements about ‘always being there’ etc when her behaviour has shown the exact opposite over decades. How dare she try and paint herself as this loving mum now, after everything she’s done and how she’s behaved over the years?

Yesterday I had another scan where they found the second embryo, which was a complete shock. Again, I felt obliged to tell my mum that I now have to go for a third scan next week, to which she replied ‘maybe they think the baby has grown!’

That is absolutely not what they think, and I thought that was the most insensitive thing she could have said, to be honest.

Sorry to post such a downer! It feels quite a relief to vent on this thread, because so many people in real life think that our mums should be a real source of support at times like this.

I'm so sorry for your loss and the uncertainty of the ongoing situation of watching and waiting. You did the right thing letting your DH deal with your mother. Whatever way you deal with her she will likely still be critical of you and make you feel bad so you are doing the right thing keeping her at arms length and keep any "flying monkeys" at bay too. You need to deal with this loss on your own terms and not have to worry about your mother. The only benefit of having her around would be to her and NOT you so she can brag and be the hero and have the glory when it is such a sad and painful situation for you.

Crazy makers!

Thank you both 💐

She’s always quite liked a crisis - the one that springs to mind for me is the break-up with my first serious boyfriend when I was about 22. She seemed in her element then.

My DSis has had all of the emphatic, OTT heart texts too, when her partner was posted away for work and my mum seemed bizarrely keen to make it into a big dramatic thing. I remember DSis saying mum had texted her ‘I just want you to always be happy’, which DSis pointed out was a) unrealistic and b) flew in the face of DM’s silent treatment, rages, and things like throwing away our toys and threatening to give us away.

I think she thinks that she’s owed information about us. She went mad once when I had travel injections for a trip abroad and she found out from my nan rather than from me - because I genuinely didn’t see it as an important thing to tell her about. It’s bizarre.

I already felt uncomfortable around her while I was pregnant and now I feel even more vulnerable. She also seems to add 2+2 and come up with 5 quite a bit. I asked her for a weekend in January that she’d be free for, to plan her Christmas present (theatre tickets), and she’s since told me that she knew then I was pregnant and was going to tell her that weekend 🤨 which makes no sense.

I also can’t stand hearing her say ‘she’s pregnant!’ about me. Hearing her say that word makes me actually feel ill, and I have no idea why I have such a visceral reaction to it.