Thinking about giving newborn up for adoption *Warning from MNHQ - includes mention of sexual assault*

[Soph282]

I feel terrible for writing this, but I feel like giving my newborn up for adoption. This is hard because part of me wants to and the other part of me loves her and would be devastated if I did. I also have 3 other children who love their sister so it’s difficult, the eldest is 8 so it’s not like she could just slip off without them knowing when they’re older.

Some background is this child was conceived by rape. Rape by a co-worker I barely knew at the new years Christmas work party. Not only rape, but bodily harm. He has been charged for rape and ABH, unfortunately he is on bail because he’s pled not guilty but the trials in December. He also has done this to another women the month previous I found out after which he’s also on bail for. I didn’t find out I was pregnant till I was 16 weeks gone, at which point I decided to continue after backing out of a termination 3 times. I contacted social services myself and they put me in touch with an adoption agency who found adoptive parents for the baby and adoption was always the plan.

I went from living a great life, I had a good job, a car, a mortgage and my own home. I have 3 other children eldest is 8 and the youngest is 3, I split with their dad in 2020 and I’ve been single ever since and like it that way. When we split we sold our family home and split what was left over after paying off the mortgage. I used that money to mortgage a beautiful 4 bedroom home of my own which I worked 5 nights a week as a nurse to pay off.

After this event, I quit my job. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and I can not engage with strange men. Even familiar men, even my own father makes me anxious and he is the man I trust the most. I do not feel Im in a position to go back to work yet. Obviously I will move to a different hospital as I’m not returning there, but at the moment I don’t feel mentally able to work. I am receiving sick pay from work and I’ve moved back in with my mum because the only way I can afford to keep my house is to rent it out. I don’t receive universal credit as I have a property I don’t reside in. Only income is sick pay and child support from my 3 children’s dad which isn’t a bad amount but after I’ve paid half of the bills (that was the agreement with my mum) plus food and other expenses I’m broke. I only make £100 profit a month on renting my home, the other rental income goes on the mortgage. I have sold my car so I rely on my mum for transport now. I am just praying and hoping that soon my anxiety will calm down and I will be able to return to work and move back in to my house, the current tenants have 6 months left on their tenancy.

Anyway, I’m rambling sorry. My daughter was born at 26 weeks due to placental abruption in June. So although she’s 3 months old, developmentally and size wise she’s a newborn (only 6.6lbs) she has been home two weeks after a long NICU stay in two different hospitals. Thankfully she is now healthy.

When she was born, I felt there was an invisible cord attaching me to her. I got called by social services asking if I wanted foster to adopt parents to take over care but I said I needed some time to think. I remember returning to my home town hospital in the taxi 2 days after my daughter was born (I had to give birth in a hospital 2 hours away) and as the distance got further my heart felt like it was breaking more and more. I wanted her and I couldn’t leave her whilst she was so vulnerable. After speaking to perinatal and my midwife I decided I did not want to give her up and I needed to do what I felt in my heart so I returned and stopped social services involvement.

Fast forward to now and all is just stressful. I am finding it hard living in somebody else’s house, I want my independence back. I am having about 2 hours sleep a day due to colic and juggling that with the school runs and entertaining my other three is making me physically sick, I am on the edge of a breakdown. Every time she cries I just feel like jumping off of a bridge. I am exhausted mentally, I miss my old life and I can’t do this.

As well as that, I see her dad in her so much and it’s hurting me. I didn’t see it previously, now I do. I sometimes look at her and subconsciously blame her for how my life now is because of her fathers actions.

He has also been trying to make contact with me as has his family. He knows I had a child as the police told him when they DNA tested him and the baby (he denied ever having sex with me let alone raping me) He had my number from a work WhatsApp group and I never changed it and before now he had never contacted me even before this happened. I started getting calls off of withheld which I ignored and then I picked one up and it was him. I told him to go away and I hung up. I then received numerous texts saying he wanted to see his child, telling me that he didn’t rape me and gaslighting me telling me it was all in my imagination because I’m “crazy” (must have been in my imagination that he dragged a match through my skin too which required a skin graft) I also received social media messages from his mother asking to see “her grandchild” I messaged back saying “considering the circumstances I do not think this is appropriate, please do not contact me” she then messaged back saying that myself and babies father should be adults for babies sake and resolve our differences. I’m pretty sure he’s lied to her about what happened and how baby was conceived and she probably has no idea about police involvement and I’m not going to bother explaining myself, I want nothing to do with him. I have deleted every social media platform and have changed my number. I called the police saying he contacted me as there is a restraining order and they arrested him but was bailed the next day and hasn’t tried to contact me further.

I feel so angry that he is gaslighting me, in fact I only discovered that term today and I can’t believe how awful it feels. To be told you’re crazy and something didn’t happen which you have proof of is absolutely infuriating. How dare he also ask to see my daughter after he forced this on me.

Honestly I don’t know what I am expecting writing this but I needed to vent. I am sleep deprived, I am stressed, I am so hurt and I am so angry and upset about what he’s done to me and my life. I just feel she would be better elsewhere because I’m on the verge of a mental break down, I can feel it coming.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through and can't comprehend how difficult it must be. All I can say is that sleep deprivation and the stress and difficulties of a young baby make everything seem so much harder to cope with and so much worse. Maybe don't make a decision on the baby for another few months until she's sleeping better and you're through the initial crazy time of exhaustion and hormones.

I am so sorry for this trauma you are going through. It sounds horrific.

Wearing my practical hat, I think perhaps it might be best for baby to be adopted. If you are seeing her father in her now when she’s so tiny, how will that manifest as she gets older? Will you resent her? What will you tell her about her conception and father?

If his mother is stepping into your life now, how will you handle that as the baby grows? She needs shutting down big time.

I hope someone comes along with more wisdom than me, more experience and better advice. I don’t know about adoption
rules these days but does it mean all contact is lost? Are you allowed to write letters, send birthday cards , ask for updates?

My heart goes out to you OP. You are dealing with a terrible dilemma. Keep putting one foot in front of her other and do what’s best for baby, your equilibrium and your other children.

OP I am so sorry to hear of your rape and the incredibly traumatic time you are going through. As a victim are you able to access any support services such as counselling? I think you need to talk to someone about all this.

You poor thing. That is just awful.

I wouldn’t even know what to tell you regarding the potential adoption. There’s an excellent chance that someone out there will give your LO a loving and caring home, and you can work on healing yourself and trying to reclaim the life you had built for yourself with your kids, which is really challenging for you right now.

I truly hope you can find some peace as you go forward.

I didn't want to read and run OP.

Whether you put your baby up for adoption is an intensely personal decision. However, reading between the lines of your post it doesn't actually sound like something you want to do - it's possibly more about not wanting to be in this situation any more.

Sleep deprivation is horrific, and these early months with a baby really take their toll. Added to that the stress of your living circumstances and the case hanging over you, plus dealing with the trauma of what happened. Of course you feel overwhelmed!

However, I'm guessing that even if you gave your baby up for adoption, you'd still feel a lot of those things as your situation isn't unfortunately going to get better overnight, even if you don't have your baby. Events have taken their toll on you, and I think you might be projecting all of this onto the baby, when in reality, you'd not feel much differently if she wasn't with you - plus of course, you'd have the trauma of giving your baby up for adoption.

I promise you that I'm not trying to convince you either way. Adoption is something you could definitely consider if you felt it was the right thing to do. And your baby will find a family to love her, undoubtedly.

However, it just doesn't sound to me as if your baby is where the problem really lies. You want your life to go back to how it was before this truly horrific thing happened, and of course, that is impossible.

My circumstances were/are very different to yours. I was raped by my DC's father when I was already pregnant, and after I had left him. Even the thought of him made me sick to my stomach. I had twins, prematurely so I completely understand what it's like to have a tiny prem baby at home. My twins are now 13 years old and I don't see anything of them in him any more. I can't say whether it will be the same for you - but I do wonder if it's because everything is so raw right now for you, and whether you'd feel the same as me with a bit of time to heal.

I wish I could scoop you up and help you to get through this, whatever you decide. You're an incredibly strong woman, a real warrior, and there's no judgement here whatever you choose to do.

One thing to consider: adoption may protect her from her father’s family. It won’t be an easy route, but i think it is probably better to live with
guilt rather than resentment and fear. The sadness and guilt will be held by you alone; if you keep and resent or are triggered by or fear your child and her father’s family, it impacts her whole world.

The only way to deal with this is through intense therapy. Do you have any options to get support through your GP or charity for online therapy?

i’m really sorry for you and your family, OP. You are stuck with a devastating choice either way.

What has happened and is happening (via this man and family trying to contact you) is truly horrific. If you go down the adoption route I wonder if there is professional advice you can get in how to explain that to the kids?

I agree with @SpidersAreShitheads that it doesn't sound like you really want adoption and you might find the ramifications of dealing with adoption even harder than what you're going through now and that a lot of the things making everything so unbelievably shit will still be there. I can't even start to imagine what you're going through and am amazed how strong you are.

What I wanted to add was that if you do decide to go for adoption, that doesn't in any way mean you love her less than your other children. Even if you take the impact on you out of the decision, it's easy to see that it could be better for her to be adopted, meaning she doesn't need to grow up in this situation. I'm not saying adoption is the right thing to do for her, just that I don't think anyone would question it if you decided it was. You as her mother are the only one who can decide what is best for the child that you love. As I said, it sounds like you don't want adoption. No judgment either way and unmumnettly [hugs].

Edited for typos.

@Soph282
i'm so sorry you've gone through this 😔
There are not enough words in the world to describe how strong you are xx

Sorry to hear of your desperate situation.
Would you consider foster care as an interim until you are rested and have some counselling to help you work out what you really want to do.

OP I am so, so sorry for what you are going through.

I thought I would add my two cents into this as I myself am adopted; I was adopted at five and a half after being removed by social services, im now approaching 24. A lot of people have the conception that adoption is one day your child is whisked away without a goodbye and you never see them again; this isn't true.

If you are on the fence about adoption right now, but still need the break to process your trauma, you can place your LO into foster care temporarily: the goal with foster placements is almost always reunification, so if you decided you could care for her, you would be supported.

If you do decide to go through with the adoption, however, you can still be involved. There are closed and open adoptions: mine was closed, which means no contact allowed with natural parents apart from a letter a year until I was 18. Mine was only closed because I was removed by police as my living situation was abusive. However, because you would be willingly giving your child up, and you are clearly an excellent mother, you would most likely be offered an open adoption, where you could see the child , celebrate milestones with them ect if you so wished.

I hope I've provided some helpful insight for you and if you have any more questions about the whole process please don't hesitate to get in touch x

My heart goes out to you OP. Do your parents understand how desperate you are?
Please ring Rape Crisis as i think you need expert counselling here. Ask the GP and ring the midwife too. Any support you can possibly get at this point.
Just a small story from my own experience. One of my GC was born out of rape. My poor DD. When he was born the first thing I thought was the baby was the spitting image of the father. I didn't imagine I could ever love him. He's 8 now and I'm promising you I do not even think of the father when I see him. And he's a wonderful child. So you may find the same thing happens. It's just my personal story.
I've been raped several times myself and I just wish I could hug you.

I am so sorry to hear what hqs happened to uou. I remember a while ago there was an option to ask a nursery nurse student who is still at college and who needed work experience to help with childcare by mothers with small children. I believe it used to be free. Maybe theres such option even if that is for you to have couple of hoirs of sleep during the day.
My heart goes to you. I hope you can get some rest and sleep soon.

I couldn’t read and run, though I have no real advice. Just sending so many good thoughts your way. Absolutely no one would judge you either way in your situation and you must be unbelievably strong to still be this together. I would definitely advise counselling to help you sort out how you’re feeling. I’m just so sorry and wish you all the best for the future. I know it’s not usually done on mumsnet but I’m sending so many hugs x

I am crying reading this! I am so sorry for the trauma and horrible time you have been through and are currently goin through. The hardest part is whatever anyone says or offers in terms of advice, only you can decide ultimately what is best. Whatever decision you make won’t be clear cut or easy as too many emotions and ties are involved. I can only offer empathy and wish you well and hope sometime soon your life can begin to pick up again. What you have experienced is the worst man can do!!🤬

Maybe some employment lawyers will come along- but if the rape happened at a work event could you put pressure through lawyers to reach a substantial financial settlement with your old workplace for failure to put in measures to protect you from this colleague? This could ease some of the financial pressure you’re currently under.

I can’t advise on the adoption decision but what a hard situation you’re in - I’m so sorry for everything that’s happened to you.

I have no advice but want to send you a hug. Wishing you all the best no matter what you decide

You have a huge decision, OP.
You have overcome a monsterous attack and you have given life to an innocent child and all along cared for your family. You are amazing.

I hope you have found a counsellor who can listen to your plight.
I am not a professional but I hear that you see a connection to the rapist in the child and that his family is trying to find the baby. For that reason alone, it is worthwhile to consider an adoption.
The baby will be cared for by some one who can give unconditional love to her without any fears and she would not have any communication with the rapist's family.

Some adoptions allow some ongoing communication with the mother. You would have to decide on that. It could be for the best for your other children too if they do not see you remembering a terrible ordeal when you look at their sibling.
Take time to recover. Bless your mother - a support who adores you. You have to make a choice that you can sustain and live with.

How awful, truly awful. I’m so sorry this has happened to you, this sounds truly traumatic and I’m shocked that this man has actually tried to contact you further. You’ve been through SO much, I can’t imagine how you must feel day to day.

I agree with other posters that it doesn’t sound like you really want to go through the adoption process, you just need to get out of your current situation. Have you looked into foster care? You can take all the time you need to process the trauma you’re experiencing and hopefully speak with someone who can help. Meanwhile, DD is cared for and will be in a loving home. Once you feel ready, you can reunite. If you don’t ever feel ready then she can potentially get adopted.

You can also have an open adoption so it’s not as if once she’s adopted, you’ll never see her again. I don’t want to overwhelm you with all of this but I just wanted to add that when I had PND (with both children,) I thought about giving them up for adoption every day. I was sleep deprived and suicidal. It was hell. Some of what you’re feeling is normal for a lot of mum’s that have a newborn and they’re not even dealing with half of what you’re going through. Pls be nice to yourself and take it day by day❤️

this is so heart breaking to read and relieved you have mum as safety net.

Also, are you close with your mum? Are you able to talk to her about the full extent of how you’re struggling, maybe she can help out with a school run so you can catch up on sleep?

Darling. You’ll get through this. It’s so woolly and involves a lot of emotion. Mumsnet is great for venting and support but you need the expertise of professionals here. I’d suggest you contact occupational health at work and ask to speak to your NHS psychologist. If you had her adopted the feelings would still remain. Remember, she’s NOT him. Sending you strength.x

I'm sorry to say that I don't understand how the adoption could have been considered given that there is a biological father who wants to care for the baby. Did social services know that you know who the father is or did you say you don't? (No judgement if you did, but it's important, and given he definitely knows the baby exists, even if they don't know who the father is, they are likely to find out).
To proceed with a relinquished baby adoption without contacting the father if he is known would be illegal. If they felt there was sufficient risk to the baby if he was contacted they would have had to go to court to seek agreement to proceed with adoption without his involvement.
If you hand her over to a foster carer now I'm sorry to say you run the risk of her being placed if not with her father but with her paternal family rather than being adopted. I'm sure that's the last thing you want and coping with that would be very difficult.

May I please add to every poster saying that she could have an 'open adoption' - this is an American term and not used in the UK. Contact between birth parents and adopters is often encouraged for the child's life story but is usually letterbox only and is absolutely at the discretion of the adopters. Once the order is granted nobody can compel the adopters to enable any contact they don't want to have, so the idea that a birth parent can stipulate the contact they want to have in the future is simply not possible. Some direct contact does happen in some adoptions but it's absolutely not the norm.

Did you read the whole of the OP ? This poor woman was raped ...I really don't think the rapist gets paternal rights or his family ?