Thinking about giving newborn up for adoption *Warning from MNHQ - includes mention of sexual assault*

[Soph282]

I feel terrible for writing this, but I feel like giving my newborn up for adoption. This is hard because part of me wants to and the other part of me loves her and would be devastated if I did. I also have 3 other children who love their sister so it’s difficult, the eldest is 8 so it’s not like she could just slip off without them knowing when they’re older.

Some background is this child was conceived by rape. Rape by a co-worker I barely knew at the new years Christmas work party. Not only rape, but bodily harm. He has been charged for rape and ABH, unfortunately he is on bail because he’s pled not guilty but the trials in December. He also has done this to another women the month previous I found out after which he’s also on bail for. I didn’t find out I was pregnant till I was 16 weeks gone, at which point I decided to continue after backing out of a termination 3 times. I contacted social services myself and they put me in touch with an adoption agency who found adoptive parents for the baby and adoption was always the plan.

I went from living a great life, I had a good job, a car, a mortgage and my own home. I have 3 other children eldest is 8 and the youngest is 3, I split with their dad in 2020 and I’ve been single ever since and like it that way. When we split we sold our family home and split what was left over after paying off the mortgage. I used that money to mortgage a beautiful 4 bedroom home of my own which I worked 5 nights a week as a nurse to pay off.

After this event, I quit my job. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and I can not engage with strange men. Even familiar men, even my own father makes me anxious and he is the man I trust the most. I do not feel Im in a position to go back to work yet. Obviously I will move to a different hospital as I’m not returning there, but at the moment I don’t feel mentally able to work. I am receiving sick pay from work and I’ve moved back in with my mum because the only way I can afford to keep my house is to rent it out. I don’t receive universal credit as I have a property I don’t reside in. Only income is sick pay and child support from my 3 children’s dad which isn’t a bad amount but after I’ve paid half of the bills (that was the agreement with my mum) plus food and other expenses I’m broke. I only make £100 profit a month on renting my home, the other rental income goes on the mortgage. I have sold my car so I rely on my mum for transport now. I am just praying and hoping that soon my anxiety will calm down and I will be able to return to work and move back in to my house, the current tenants have 6 months left on their tenancy.

Anyway, I’m rambling sorry. My daughter was born at 26 weeks due to placental abruption in June. So although she’s 3 months old, developmentally and size wise she’s a newborn (only 6.6lbs) she has been home two weeks after a long NICU stay in two different hospitals. Thankfully she is now healthy.

When she was born, I felt there was an invisible cord attaching me to her. I got called by social services asking if I wanted foster to adopt parents to take over care but I said I needed some time to think. I remember returning to my home town hospital in the taxi 2 days after my daughter was born (I had to give birth in a hospital 2 hours away) and as the distance got further my heart felt like it was breaking more and more. I wanted her and I couldn’t leave her whilst she was so vulnerable. After speaking to perinatal and my midwife I decided I did not want to give her up and I needed to do what I felt in my heart so I returned and stopped social services involvement.

Fast forward to now and all is just stressful. I am finding it hard living in somebody else’s house, I want my independence back. I am having about 2 hours sleep a day due to colic and juggling that with the school runs and entertaining my other three is making me physically sick, I am on the edge of a breakdown. Every time she cries I just feel like jumping off of a bridge. I am exhausted mentally, I miss my old life and I can’t do this.

As well as that, I see her dad in her so much and it’s hurting me. I didn’t see it previously, now I do. I sometimes look at her and subconsciously blame her for how my life now is because of her fathers actions.

He has also been trying to make contact with me as has his family. He knows I had a child as the police told him when they DNA tested him and the baby (he denied ever having sex with me let alone raping me) He had my number from a work WhatsApp group and I never changed it and before now he had never contacted me even before this happened. I started getting calls off of withheld which I ignored and then I picked one up and it was him. I told him to go away and I hung up. I then received numerous texts saying he wanted to see his child, telling me that he didn’t rape me and gaslighting me telling me it was all in my imagination because I’m “crazy” (must have been in my imagination that he dragged a match through my skin too which required a skin graft) I also received social media messages from his mother asking to see “her grandchild” I messaged back saying “considering the circumstances I do not think this is appropriate, please do not contact me” she then messaged back saying that myself and babies father should be adults for babies sake and resolve our differences. I’m pretty sure he’s lied to her about what happened and how baby was conceived and she probably has no idea about police involvement and I’m not going to bother explaining myself, I want nothing to do with him. I have deleted every social media platform and have changed my number. I called the police saying he contacted me as there is a restraining order and they arrested him but was bailed the next day and hasn’t tried to contact me further.

I feel so angry that he is gaslighting me, in fact I only discovered that term today and I can’t believe how awful it feels. To be told you’re crazy and something didn’t happen which you have proof of is absolutely infuriating. How dare he also ask to see my daughter after he forced this on me.

Honestly I don’t know what I am expecting writing this but I needed to vent. I am sleep deprived, I am stressed, I am so hurt and I am so angry and upset about what he’s done to me and my life. I just feel she would be better elsewhere because I’m on the verge of a mental break down, I can feel it coming.

I'm so sorry, this is so much trauma and you don't deserve any of it. You've been through so much in a year. It is no wonder you feel overwhelmed.

I don't think anyone can tell you what is right. But adoption is a trauma - I would worry that it would be another hardship for you. Would you speak to social services about respite care? Or a temporary foster placement? Then you can make this decision in a better headspace?

Adoption is permanent - you are in the thick of a crisis and trauma at the moment - but your life won't always feel this hard. I would hate for you to get to the other side and regret it

woolshop · Today 04:17

Sorry to hear of your desperate situation.
Would you consider foster care as an interim until you are rested and have some counselling to help you work out what you really want to do.

I agree with this. I’ve been through trauma that has induced feelings very similar to yours, OP. What got me through, is when I was told it’s not forever - it’s just my “now”, and things WILL get better in time, even though it doesn’t feel like that right now.

I definitely feel you need breathing space, and personally, I don’t think any life changing decision should be made when you’re not feeling 💯 yourself.

If it was me, i would have dd fostered to allow yourself time to heal and recover. Once you’re feeling better, make a decision then. Sending hugs

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Giving her up won't help you though. She would likely go to someone in his family and that would torture you more. The problem you need to address first is taking back some control in your life.
Counselling is a must, you need have some neutral to help you process and work out how to handle your feelings. This will help you in taking other steps forward.
Try not to be hard on yourself. This will take time but you can get through it. X

This 100000%.
Your story is one of the most harrowing truths I have read on mumsnet.
I hope he rots op. You are an amazing mother and the strength literally shines out of your post.
please seek some support for yourself; you don’t have to do all this alone. I hope when court passes you will have some closure. Block his family from contacting you. Be kind to yourself.

sending you love xxxxxxxxx

Again, sorry to be negative but temporary fostering isn't really an option the OP can just ask for. That's not how it works in the UK.

It sounds like everything is to much right now. Possibly to be making a huge decision is even harder. Have you been offered counselling to help with your feelings. I think it sounds like you love her but need some help. Can you contact your local children’s centre for family support. Does your ex help with your other children. It sounds like you need a break and some support before any decisions are made. Secondly block your ex work colleague on all forms of contact. Are the police aware of him making contact? Also you have had an incredibly hard time please take one day at a time and take some time for you if possible before making any decisions. Even worse would be having to rush when you’re overwhelmed and regretting it.

What a horrendous time you’ve going through.
PTSD is probably altering and effecting your judgement and every thought, along with having a very young baby. You need all the support you can get.
It would be understandable if you put your baby up for adoption if you decide to do that as would keeping her. You poor, poor thing. You have my deepest sympathy.

@Soph282 Im afraid I have experience or advice on the adoption front but please please contact the police and inform them of this man's contact and what he's been saying. It is not allowed for him to intimidate you and that is an offence of perverting the court of justice and is a serious offence. Please make a log of all these contacts and what he's said and send them to the police.

I'm so sorry. It's only 9 months since this horrendous crime happened. What a terrible tragedy.

Would it help to hear that both decisions would be good and acceptable ones? That both will have pain and both will have relief? There is no one correct answer for you to discover.

What do your parents think? If you have a good relationship with them, they could be your best lodestones. Do you have a loving friend or sister who could help?

Have you explored an open adoption? Usually they would encourage contact with your children anyway.

Your children could understand that the baby was very poorly when she was born and that you were also very poorly and not well enough to look after her.

My instinct would say that you want to keep her but need more support. But how can that happen?

As hard as it is yes i would put her up for adoption, so i could move on easier with my family. I wouldnt want to resent her for something that wasnt her fault, she deserves to be loved x

Seconding this

Plus, I had a friend who was utterly exhausted with her new born and said she wanted to give him up for adoption. She didn’t though and now has an amazing teenager she adores. It’s never a good time to make such life altering decisions on so little sleep.

OP I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am going to sound really cold, but in this case I would put this child up for adoption and focus on my other children and putting my life back together. You will get no prizes for sacrificing your mental health to raise this baby. My heart really goes out to you and I hope you find peace with whatever decision you make

Unfortunately, in the UK, rapist fathers do have paternal rights

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this - it must be so hard.

Single parenting a newborn is incredibly difficult. And I want to acknowledge that first because irrespective of what has happened to you, irrespective of where you were living, irrespective of the fact that you’re already a good mum. Single parenting a newborn is very hard.

I would second a pp suggestions of edmr. It has a huge success rate for helping people heal after trauma and it would be a relatively short course so you would hopefully see an improvement in your symptoms quickly.

Do you have a good friend who knows what you’re going through? Someone with children of their own so they’d feel confident looking after a baby? Or a relative? Or the other kids dad?

The reason that I ask is that I think that you need some time before you make these big decisions. Time to heal, to rest, to be.

I’m wondering if you can arrange for a friend to have baby on the times your kids are with their dad? So that you have a regular break to sleep and heal? Ideally someone who will be in your life more long term so that the baby builds a bond with them too.

I would do this for a friend who was single parenting a newborn even without the additional trauma that you’ve been through.

Oh OP, that was a heartbreaking read. I’m so sorry you had to go through that and you are still coping with the after effects of such an ordeal.

The fact you felt so protective over her whilst she was in the NICU is very touching and a positive, but the fact you are now starting to resent her is something you need to think about in terms of how you see your relationship developing with her in the future?

And I am not clued up on the adoption process at all, but would you even be allowed to do it without her dad’s consent? It seems that he, and is family, want to play a role in her life so I imagine that if you do decide you can’t parent her anymore then she would just go to her dad and his family??

So do find out what would actually happen to your daughter if you did involve social services regarding adoption because it may be a very difficult journey ahead.

This is heartbreaking for both you and your baby. There really aren't any words for how horrible this must have been for you.

Although adoption might feel like the best option at the moment, it rarely comes without complications. Adopted children can grow up questioning why they aren't with their birth mother and with deep rooted, lasting issues around identity.

Is there a way you can access counselling? Or could a family member look after your baby for you to have some space to gather your thoughts on what's happened? It's a truly awful situation and I hope you find the best solution for you and your family xx

Have you got anyone who could look after her for a few days so you can get your sleep back on track a bit and maybe then see things with a clear head? Does your mum know how you feel?

It really is a horrific situation, only you can make the tough decision. His family wanting to be in touch would worry me though

What has happened to you is so terrible and I’m so sorry.
Maybe shift the weight of this decision to the perspective of the baby. What will life be like for her if you keep her.. if he isn’t convicted, will you be forced to allow contact? Would he be able to take you to court for joint custody if he is free.. if he goes to jail will his family continue to pursue contact? Would either of you ever be free of him?
if you let her go she could have a new life free from the trauma of her conception, free from him and his family. As painful as this would be for you.
This is so horribly hard for you and I think you need a lot of professional help and advice to get better.

I wouldn't be surprised. There was an article on BBC about women having breakdowns and worse because of courts allowing parental contact with abusers including child rapists. Women are sadly let down globally everyday

Op am so so sorry you are going through this.

You have been through a lot.
I understand your feelings, you are a good person and a good mum. If for the current situation and the way the baby was conceived you are struggling don't put more weight on your yourself.

You have to be healthy for yourself and the other kids and your baby is healthy despite she had some problems at the beginning.

I wouldn't even dare to judge your decision ever.
Think about it and do the best for all of you five. If you decide to give her for adoption think that the family that will adopt her will give her a good life too.

Go to the police for them contacting you.

Oh OP. I really feel for you. I'm so sorry that you've had to experience all of this. I can't begin to even imagine what you must be going through.
Please remember you've been amazing, looking after 3 children and a baby and having to cope with what happened to you - that's not an easy task.
It sounds really conflicting. At the moment the baby represents the bastard who did this to you but you feel a pull towards your child too.
Only you can make this decision, but what I will say is, sometimes the most loving thing we can do for a child, is to think about what would be best for them. If you feel that the circumstances would affect your relationship with your baby or cause anguish/upset or resentment, then maybe adoption is the right thing for you all. Babies and children will pick up on the energy around them. You may not feel this desperate later on but there is a possibility his family or him will continue to make contact or even bump into the child at some point.
Adoption is forever. Perhaps try temporary Foster care until you feel ready to make a decision. Or can someone help you out with the baby?
Lots of love going your way.

You poor thing. What has happened to you is just beyond awful.
As I see it you have 2 huge things to deal with

1. dealing with being raped
2. deciding what to do with your baby.

They are 2 extremely difficult things to deal with and I really hope you have some good support. Perhaps there is an option for your baby to go into short term foster care. This might give you some time to think and rest and try to heal a littl bit yourself before you decide. It's completly understandable that you feel attached to your baby. I love the image of the invisable cord attching you to her. If you decide to place her for adoption that will not go away but perhaps under the circumstances it will be the best thing to do. Only you can decide. Also I would urge you to contact the police about the fact that your rapist has been trying to contact you. Even though this is his child surely he cannot expect to have contact with you or her.

Can you access emdr? This could help with the trauma. Have you read the body knows the score?

If you put the baby up for adoption can the man or his mother argue that they will look after it. Will they block the adoption going ahead? I am sorry to ask this but i would want assurances in writing that this cannot happen.

An some PP have mentioned. Think about her and if you think he may be able to have contact with her, giving her in adoption may be a positive outcome as you are keeping her away of a rapist.

she has and has clarified. But she's also talking about what could happen in practice in the real world. It doesn't mean he will but he could and its fair for op to know the possibilities. https://www.socialworktoday.co.uk/News/Born-by-default-rather-than-design%3A-What-are-the-rights-of-the-rapist-father%3F#:~:text=A%20convicted%20rapist%20has%20the,he's%20going%20to%20have%20contact.

Sadly women are let down worldwide everyday