Thinking about giving newborn up for adoption *Warning from MNHQ - includes mention of sexual assault*

[Soph282]

I feel terrible for writing this, but I feel like giving my newborn up for adoption. This is hard because part of me wants to and the other part of me loves her and would be devastated if I did. I also have 3 other children who love their sister so it’s difficult, the eldest is 8 so it’s not like she could just slip off without them knowing when they’re older.

Some background is this child was conceived by rape. Rape by a co-worker I barely knew at the new years Christmas work party. Not only rape, but bodily harm. He has been charged for rape and ABH, unfortunately he is on bail because he’s pled not guilty but the trials in December. He also has done this to another women the month previous I found out after which he’s also on bail for. I didn’t find out I was pregnant till I was 16 weeks gone, at which point I decided to continue after backing out of a termination 3 times. I contacted social services myself and they put me in touch with an adoption agency who found adoptive parents for the baby and adoption was always the plan.

I went from living a great life, I had a good job, a car, a mortgage and my own home. I have 3 other children eldest is 8 and the youngest is 3, I split with their dad in 2020 and I’ve been single ever since and like it that way. When we split we sold our family home and split what was left over after paying off the mortgage. I used that money to mortgage a beautiful 4 bedroom home of my own which I worked 5 nights a week as a nurse to pay off.

After this event, I quit my job. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and I can not engage with strange men. Even familiar men, even my own father makes me anxious and he is the man I trust the most. I do not feel Im in a position to go back to work yet. Obviously I will move to a different hospital as I’m not returning there, but at the moment I don’t feel mentally able to work. I am receiving sick pay from work and I’ve moved back in with my mum because the only way I can afford to keep my house is to rent it out. I don’t receive universal credit as I have a property I don’t reside in. Only income is sick pay and child support from my 3 children’s dad which isn’t a bad amount but after I’ve paid half of the bills (that was the agreement with my mum) plus food and other expenses I’m broke. I only make £100 profit a month on renting my home, the other rental income goes on the mortgage. I have sold my car so I rely on my mum for transport now. I am just praying and hoping that soon my anxiety will calm down and I will be able to return to work and move back in to my house, the current tenants have 6 months left on their tenancy.

Anyway, I’m rambling sorry. My daughter was born at 26 weeks due to placental abruption in June. So although she’s 3 months old, developmentally and size wise she’s a newborn (only 6.6lbs) she has been home two weeks after a long NICU stay in two different hospitals. Thankfully she is now healthy.

When she was born, I felt there was an invisible cord attaching me to her. I got called by social services asking if I wanted foster to adopt parents to take over care but I said I needed some time to think. I remember returning to my home town hospital in the taxi 2 days after my daughter was born (I had to give birth in a hospital 2 hours away) and as the distance got further my heart felt like it was breaking more and more. I wanted her and I couldn’t leave her whilst she was so vulnerable. After speaking to perinatal and my midwife I decided I did not want to give her up and I needed to do what I felt in my heart so I returned and stopped social services involvement.

Fast forward to now and all is just stressful. I am finding it hard living in somebody else’s house, I want my independence back. I am having about 2 hours sleep a day due to colic and juggling that with the school runs and entertaining my other three is making me physically sick, I am on the edge of a breakdown. Every time she cries I just feel like jumping off of a bridge. I am exhausted mentally, I miss my old life and I can’t do this.

As well as that, I see her dad in her so much and it’s hurting me. I didn’t see it previously, now I do. I sometimes look at her and subconsciously blame her for how my life now is because of her fathers actions.

He has also been trying to make contact with me as has his family. He knows I had a child as the police told him when they DNA tested him and the baby (he denied ever having sex with me let alone raping me) He had my number from a work WhatsApp group and I never changed it and before now he had never contacted me even before this happened. I started getting calls off of withheld which I ignored and then I picked one up and it was him. I told him to go away and I hung up. I then received numerous texts saying he wanted to see his child, telling me that he didn’t rape me and gaslighting me telling me it was all in my imagination because I’m “crazy” (must have been in my imagination that he dragged a match through my skin too which required a skin graft) I also received social media messages from his mother asking to see “her grandchild” I messaged back saying “considering the circumstances I do not think this is appropriate, please do not contact me” she then messaged back saying that myself and babies father should be adults for babies sake and resolve our differences. I’m pretty sure he’s lied to her about what happened and how baby was conceived and she probably has no idea about police involvement and I’m not going to bother explaining myself, I want nothing to do with him. I have deleted every social media platform and have changed my number. I called the police saying he contacted me as there is a restraining order and they arrested him but was bailed the next day and hasn’t tried to contact me further.

I feel so angry that he is gaslighting me, in fact I only discovered that term today and I can’t believe how awful it feels. To be told you’re crazy and something didn’t happen which you have proof of is absolutely infuriating. How dare he also ask to see my daughter after he forced this on me.

Honestly I don’t know what I am expecting writing this but I needed to vent. I am sleep deprived, I am stressed, I am so hurt and I am so angry and upset about what he’s done to me and my life. I just feel she would be better elsewhere because I’m on the verge of a mental break down, I can feel it coming.

Is that really true @NynaeveSedaiOfTheYellowAjah ? They would hand the baby over to a man awaiting trial for raping two women?

That's not what I said.
I said to proceed with adoption without the knowledge of the birth father would be illegal. The fact that he's awaiting trial for rape is relevant, but doesn't change that fact. They would need to go to court to seek agreement of the court to dispense with the father's consent.
I also said that even if the baby didn't go to her father she would likely go to her paternal family above being adopted.

Please read my posts properly, including me recent one. The law is the law and cannot be dispensed with summarily without the order of a court.

Can you contact the police dealing with hisconviction to discuss harassment. He isn't allowed to contact you.

Also get proper advice re parental rights rather than being scared by comments on here

I would hope that she has done, given she has been liaising with social workers and would have also been in touch with cafcass which is a requirement of a relinquished adoption. Getting independent legal advice would be very sensible too.

I came to say the same OP. Fostering may be the answer here.

Life with a newborn is woefully hard even at the best of times. But you've been through alot and baby was born alot earlier than you expected and has colic. You've not had long to process the baby between all the other life changes.

I think you've managed incredibly well.

If you are on the verge of a breakdown, please consider getting baby to a safe place until you can start again.

Of course you love her. But love sometimes demands us to be brave and put the other person first. It doesn't mean you can't get her back or have a healthy relationship with her eventually. This is about the here and now. You feel desperate and need help / space.

Posted too soon …

are there any family/children’s centres or sure starts near you? I wonder if they might provide a bit of practical help for all of you.

Also might be good to access specialist rape counselling to help you make a decision about what to do. And more counselling to support you through the court case. Also talk to close friends if you haven’t already.

could you go to your GP and consider using medication to get you through the oncoming year or two. Antidepressants? You can then make a decision about the baby while feeling a little stronger within yourself.

Could your mum or a good friend have the kids regularly for a little while so you can do something for yourself? A walk or run, meditation or read a book, soak in the bath. It’s so important you take care of yourself. would mum consider having the baby a couple of nights a week so you can sleep through. What are your current sleeping arrangements?

Our Adoption Barometer 2022 revealed that that 82% of adoptive families had signed an agreement for ongoing indirect contact (such as letterbox), and a further 31% were having direct contact with birth family members (in most cases, siblings).

It’s definitely a thing in the UK. The adoptive parents aren’t obliged to agree as there’s no law surrounding this however both parties can come to an agreement prior to the adoption. I won’t derail OP’s thread as this really isn’t the time or place

You haven't contradicted what I said though have you?
82% have letterbox contact. In many cases this doesn't even involve sending photos of the child to the birth parents but only a letter. 31% have direct contact, mostly siblings. Sibling contact is usually facilitated where the siblings are with different adoptive families. None of what you've posted indicates that direct contact between adopted children and birth parents is common. That data indicates it's not.

Letterbox contact is STILL contact. Parents are able to get updates about the child’s life whether personal or academic. There’s still a feeling of some involvement and knowing that they’re okay.

A pp commented on the first page to say that they’re adopted but wasn’t allowed any contact with their parent because they were removed from an abusive household. They only received a letter from them once they turned 18. How many children do you think have been removed from homes and gone through the process that way?

It’s 6am😂 I’m not about to spend time on the internet providing you with facts and how many parents have an open adoption with their birth children. I know 2 people that have gone through this and whilst it may not be the norm, it most certainly is a thing. Cya!

My heart breaks for you OP. My I surgest EDMR therapy. It really works for a lot of people with PTSD including my DD. She was sexually asaulted at 14 wouldnt have coped with that and a court case which got her attacker convicted and jailed.

You can absolutely place a child for adoption without the knowledge or consent of the father if the correct court application is made RE A, B & C (ADOPTION : NOTIFICATION OF FATHERS AND RELATIVES) JUDGMENT. And given the circumstances I am very sure the social workers in the case would have been making that application. Really unhelpful to panic the OP by suggesting he would have to be notified.

Hi OP.

You've been to hell and back, there's no wonder you're feeling like you do, being postpartum will of course be exacerbating how shit everything feels right now. Postpartum is shit and exhausting in itself and that's without all the additional trauma you've been facing.

I have some experience of what you're dealing with (and considering) so will offer my 2p's worth.

I have/had my rapists baby and he was adopted. The circumstances were quite different as it was a DV relationship and the adoption was taken out of my hands and forced through by social services. He's 11 now, happily settled with his adoptive parents who seem great and his birth father is thankfully dead.

I miss him every day. We have a superficial relationship through exchanging letters once per year but we are for all intents and purposes strangers.

Coming to terms with his adoption has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I'm still not there yet and don't think I ever will be. This is in spite of me realising that at the end of the court case it was the best thing for him at the time.

Losing him has left such a tremendous void in my life that not even having other children has filled. I will always wonder 'what if' and wish things were different.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that even when something feels as though it's for the best it's not always easy to live with afterwards.

You have been through so much it wouldn't be fair to yourself to make yet another massive decision right now. As a PP as suggested, wait a little while longer before you make up your mind. You have alot of healing to do

If adoption does turn out to be something that is right for you and your DD you want to be of sound mind when you make that decision so that you can remain confident it was the right one. I wasn't in sound mind at three months postpartum with any of my 4 children, I almost certainly had postnatal depression for atleast 3 of them.

Adoptions in the UK tend to be closed which means no direct contact and no changing your mind later on down the line so you need to be 100% certain it's what you want. If it is what you want in 3 months time then that's great, you do what's best for you and your baby, just don't make such a huge life changing decision right now when you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, are sleep deprived and almost certainly dealing with some PTSD.

By the way, that monster and his deluded mother have no claim to your baby. He is not on the BC, has no PR and is on bail for a serious sex crime - I cannot foresee a situation whereby he will be given any rights whatsoever. A judge would be negligent to even consider it.

Sending you lots of love.

This all sounds awful. If he was out on bail when he attacked you, how is he out on bail again now? I thought the whole point of bail was that he'd be kept in custody if he broke the conditions?

Adoption is a permanent solution. If you can imagine that you might want to have your child with you at any point in the future, then I wouldn't be considering adoption.

I haven't read the entire thread yet so forgive me if this has been said further down. My heart goes out to OP in what is a truly horrendous situation. My concern for her would be that the longer she keeps baby the more attached she will become, making adoption later more difficult. The downside is that as you suggest, if she takes the plunge now, she may regret it bitterly later on.😪

Just a devastating situation to be in. I sincerely hope the bastard goes down big time for this!😡

Temporary fostering seems like a good choice, give yourself some breathing room to get some sleep, get some help with your trauma and try and get your equilibrium back and life back on track. If you go down the adoption route I’m sure there will be some loving parents waiting to see a precious baby for just who she is, not the horrific back story. On the other hand you may just miss and want her, no connection with the unspeakable monster that fathered her.

If you decide to go down the adoption route, which I’m sure everyone would understand, you could tell your children that you had the baby for another family who couldn’t have their own children, until they are old enough to understand.

I am so sorry your life has been hijacked in the worst possible way and hope you find peace and happiness with your family soon. God bless x

You have been through so much and are clearly a really strong person. You sound like a wonderful parent who is doing her very best to recover from a significant trauma. Think about how you treat your patients and treat yourself in the same way. With kindness and gentle care. Take the time you need to heal. Look at your living situation and see what would be best/ affordable as living with parents as an adult and parent yourself can be causing extra stress so perhaps it’s not helping? Remember colic/ sleepless nights are torture at the time but they do get through it (had 2 with extreme reflux myself who screamed almost constantly so understand the desperate need for it to stop and how it sets off all kinds of anxiety!). Wishing you all the best x

I'm so sorry OP. I've been in similar circumstances. How was your relationship with the baby before the contact? It seems you've been thrown by the contact. As PPs have mentioned, having baby adopted will not get your old life back. My DD is 2 now and I no longer see her Dad in her. At first, the thought or mention of him was a huge trigger and I would say 90% of my issues were down to the fear of contact. But after having no contact for over a year, it is becoming easier. Have you had proper counselling to process this?

I don't think you've read thoroughly the OPs full post about what the father if the baby did to her.

My heart goes out to you OP

What a terrible situation.

One thing I think you need to consider is what is best for this child?

What are the rapist's rights, I know that is heard but I believe legally he does have rights. I sincerely hope I am wrong about that.

Another thing to consider is that adoption doesn't have to end your, and your children's involvement. It's called 'open adoption' where you agree what involvement you have.

Please seek some professional help.

I don't have any advice, but I am so sorry this happened and I am heartbroken for you 😞

Oh OP, you’ve had the worst 12 months. I’m so so sorry that this is where you’re at right now.

In a few years time when things are back on track I really hope you can look back and think thank fuck I made it through it.

I can’t imagine how difficult it must be to make such big life decisions and changes at a time like this when I imagine it takes all of your mental capacity to get through each day.

Could you talk to your mum about putting less money into the household? I can see how to reached the agreement you have but relieving financial pressure seems like one thing that could be easily changed if your mum could shoulder a bit more for a short time and that could be one less thing to worry about.

A couple of things.
Given the time of the initial post, OP please can you clarify whether you are UK, USA, or somewhere else as adoption protocol varies massively between countries.
Also there is am Adoption board here on mumsnet under Becoming a Parent that can help.

Sorry no advice but just wanted to give you my very best wishes. You have had to endure what no one should ever have to endure so its important that whatever you do - whatever you decide - that you are kind to your self. You can only do what is best for you in this moment and anyone that judges you is not worth having in your life.
Open adoption does exist in the UK if the adoptee's parents agree:
Open adoption - Family Rights Group (frg.org.uk)