Thinking about giving newborn up for adoption *Warning from MNHQ - includes mention of sexual assault*

[Soph282]

I feel terrible for writing this, but I feel like giving my newborn up for adoption. This is hard because part of me wants to and the other part of me loves her and would be devastated if I did. I also have 3 other children who love their sister so it’s difficult, the eldest is 8 so it’s not like she could just slip off without them knowing when they’re older.

Some background is this child was conceived by rape. Rape by a co-worker I barely knew at the new years Christmas work party. Not only rape, but bodily harm. He has been charged for rape and ABH, unfortunately he is on bail because he’s pled not guilty but the trials in December. He also has done this to another women the month previous I found out after which he’s also on bail for. I didn’t find out I was pregnant till I was 16 weeks gone, at which point I decided to continue after backing out of a termination 3 times. I contacted social services myself and they put me in touch with an adoption agency who found adoptive parents for the baby and adoption was always the plan.

I went from living a great life, I had a good job, a car, a mortgage and my own home. I have 3 other children eldest is 8 and the youngest is 3, I split with their dad in 2020 and I’ve been single ever since and like it that way. When we split we sold our family home and split what was left over after paying off the mortgage. I used that money to mortgage a beautiful 4 bedroom home of my own which I worked 5 nights a week as a nurse to pay off.

After this event, I quit my job. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and I can not engage with strange men. Even familiar men, even my own father makes me anxious and he is the man I trust the most. I do not feel Im in a position to go back to work yet. Obviously I will move to a different hospital as I’m not returning there, but at the moment I don’t feel mentally able to work. I am receiving sick pay from work and I’ve moved back in with my mum because the only way I can afford to keep my house is to rent it out. I don’t receive universal credit as I have a property I don’t reside in. Only income is sick pay and child support from my 3 children’s dad which isn’t a bad amount but after I’ve paid half of the bills (that was the agreement with my mum) plus food and other expenses I’m broke. I only make £100 profit a month on renting my home, the other rental income goes on the mortgage. I have sold my car so I rely on my mum for transport now. I am just praying and hoping that soon my anxiety will calm down and I will be able to return to work and move back in to my house, the current tenants have 6 months left on their tenancy.

Anyway, I’m rambling sorry. My daughter was born at 26 weeks due to placental abruption in June. So although she’s 3 months old, developmentally and size wise she’s a newborn (only 6.6lbs) she has been home two weeks after a long NICU stay in two different hospitals. Thankfully she is now healthy.

When she was born, I felt there was an invisible cord attaching me to her. I got called by social services asking if I wanted foster to adopt parents to take over care but I said I needed some time to think. I remember returning to my home town hospital in the taxi 2 days after my daughter was born (I had to give birth in a hospital 2 hours away) and as the distance got further my heart felt like it was breaking more and more. I wanted her and I couldn’t leave her whilst she was so vulnerable. After speaking to perinatal and my midwife I decided I did not want to give her up and I needed to do what I felt in my heart so I returned and stopped social services involvement.

Fast forward to now and all is just stressful. I am finding it hard living in somebody else’s house, I want my independence back. I am having about 2 hours sleep a day due to colic and juggling that with the school runs and entertaining my other three is making me physically sick, I am on the edge of a breakdown. Every time she cries I just feel like jumping off of a bridge. I am exhausted mentally, I miss my old life and I can’t do this.

As well as that, I see her dad in her so much and it’s hurting me. I didn’t see it previously, now I do. I sometimes look at her and subconsciously blame her for how my life now is because of her fathers actions.

He has also been trying to make contact with me as has his family. He knows I had a child as the police told him when they DNA tested him and the baby (he denied ever having sex with me let alone raping me) He had my number from a work WhatsApp group and I never changed it and before now he had never contacted me even before this happened. I started getting calls off of withheld which I ignored and then I picked one up and it was him. I told him to go away and I hung up. I then received numerous texts saying he wanted to see his child, telling me that he didn’t rape me and gaslighting me telling me it was all in my imagination because I’m “crazy” (must have been in my imagination that he dragged a match through my skin too which required a skin graft) I also received social media messages from his mother asking to see “her grandchild” I messaged back saying “considering the circumstances I do not think this is appropriate, please do not contact me” she then messaged back saying that myself and babies father should be adults for babies sake and resolve our differences. I’m pretty sure he’s lied to her about what happened and how baby was conceived and she probably has no idea about police involvement and I’m not going to bother explaining myself, I want nothing to do with him. I have deleted every social media platform and have changed my number. I called the police saying he contacted me as there is a restraining order and they arrested him but was bailed the next day and hasn’t tried to contact me further.

I feel so angry that he is gaslighting me, in fact I only discovered that term today and I can’t believe how awful it feels. To be told you’re crazy and something didn’t happen which you have proof of is absolutely infuriating. How dare he also ask to see my daughter after he forced this on me.

Honestly I don’t know what I am expecting writing this but I needed to vent. I am sleep deprived, I am stressed, I am so hurt and I am so angry and upset about what he’s done to me and my life. I just feel she would be better elsewhere because I’m on the verge of a mental break down, I can feel it coming.

OP you're amazing for thinking so clearly about your situation and prioritising kids' wellbeing in the middle of your stress and trauma.

I think pp is right that before making any decisions, try to pull in all the help and protection you can.

Reading your OP I thought adoption sounded like the way forward. But the fact that the father or father's family might get the baby makes it very fraught.

No proper advice, sorry. I'll think of you.

OP, if you feel it's best for you, your baby and your other children to move forwards with adoption then just know that you are absolutely within your rights to make that decision. It can be the most loving thing possible that you do for your child. Knowing your limits and capabilities and saying 'actually, I can't give you what you deserve, but someone else can' is incredibly admirable. I have so much respect for parents who recognise that.

I agree with other posters that it doesn’t sound like you really want to go through the adoption process, you just need to get out of your current situation. Have you looked into foster care? You can take all the time you need to process the trauma you’re experiencing and hopefully speak with someone who can help. Meanwhile, DD is cared for and will be in a loving home. Once you feel ready, you can reunite. If you don’t ever feel ready then she can potentially get adopted

That was a typo/spellcheck issue - it was obvious I meant adoption..

I'm sorry, you can't just put your baby in foster care while you have time to think. It just doesn't work that way.

I'm not sure the op is uk based.
If mum decided she didn't want or couldn't care for the baby they would be placed with short term Foster carers. SS would try to keep the child with family first as kinship carers so either parents/grandparents possibly aunts etc.
Placing a baby for adoption would come after assessments were made on all family members this would include the paternal family and safety measures would be put in place.

What a horrific situation OP. Whatever you decide, it certainly comes over in spades that you are a kind and loving mum. I hope you are getting some real life support and specialist counselling as well.

Of course the mum won’t just say “you are here because I was raped” but I think it’s naive to believe that this child never will know if she stays within this family unit considering the difficulties his family are most likely to cause regarding wanting to see her…..and no doubt they will talk about her father to her and when she’s old enough and starts asking OP and her dad’s family questions about why he’s in prison etc etc I can’t see how it all won’t come out in the open somehow. Awful things like this usually do and children aren’t stupid.

However, hopefully he’ll get a long prison sentence, all of his family will be banned from having any contact with the child and she will grow up not having a clue about the ordeal her mother went through and the circumstances of her conception.

I have no idea surrounding the law regarding what contact his family can have if he’s imprisoned, or what contact he is allowed if he is found not guilty or guilty (hopefully the latter by the sound of it), or what contact rights he will have once he’s released from prison (if he ever is). Or whether he has rights for her to be told about who her father is and then she can decide how to act upon that information when she’s 18 years old etc.

I imagine it’s easier for children who are born into this situation to be kept shielded from the truth when the father and paternal family show no interest in the child, but it sadly sounds like in this case the dad and his family aren’t going to just slink away.

No, I dont know about all the laws about it all either. I can only go off what happened in my situation, his family will never tell her she was conceived through rape, their not going to say that about their own son. No one ever believes their adult child is capable of that. His family dont get automatic rights either just because their related, again, I'm not 100% but I dont believe there is grandparents rights ect

I could well be wrong but I am under the impression that once convicted of rape parental rights are gone, but I'm not 100% on that.

My ex gets in contact with my family at least once a year with some bogus bullshit about somthing I've done, wanting a local post office address to send presents to ect, my old birth certificate ect, hes always lingering in the background, it was only last month he got a picture of my DD off my sisters social media and put it on his social media labelled "the love of my life". My court order expired during Covid and i didnt send the application to extend it to the right place 🤦‍♀️

But, it still basically stands as it stated he would have to go through the local authority, family courts, social services and a soliciter. Despite the fact its expired it's been so long he would still have to do those to get contact ( he hasnt seen my children since they were 2.6 and 8 months old and their nearly 9 and 7 now )

Abusive men, will always try to continue to be abusive, in any way they can.

I have no doubt, that when my children are older and have their own social media he will try and get in touch with them then but I will still never tell my son how he was truly conceived and if my family knew, I know they wouldnt either.

My children do occasionally ask about their dad. I had no idea what to say, so asked school and they said to tell them in a child friendly manner. So they know that he hurt me and that the police told him he wasnt allowed to see any of us anymore and that I moved away to keep us all safe.

I tell my son he was a lovely surprise and that's what he will always be told

The courts dont treat all cases the same unfortunatly. I feel very very lucky that they helped me so much as I have friends who have been in DV situations ( I know it's not the same as rape ) and the father has still been awarded contact ect

I have no other advice that hasn't already been given but am so sorry you've experienced this horrible situation.

How are you receiving sick pay from work if you've already quit your job? If you're still employed and receiving sick pay wouldn't you be entitled to maternity pay instead?

After speaking to perinatal and my midwife I decided I did not want to give her up and I needed to do what I felt in my heart so I returned and stopped social services involvement.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with putting your baby up for adoption but as you’ve said the above, then I wouldn’t rush into anything.

A lot of your issues are what comes with having a new born.
On top of that you are a single parent, have 3 kids and had the baby early.

Anyone would be finding it difficult in this situation but you have an awful trauma on top of all of this to deal with.

Go to the gp and get some anti depressants first as you most likely have PND.
Look up sure start and any other advice that posters have given you to try and make life with a newborn easier.

He is most likely going to get a custodial sentence if he’s been accused of rape twice and there’s evidence in your case if you’ve had to have a skin graft and then had his child.

This would mean he would be out of your life for a while and after you can get a restraining order.

It sounds a lot of your issues come from him and his family, whereas if they were out of the picture you may feel differently.
Its hard but I would try and separate your feelings about the baby from the family to decide if it’s the baby you want to get rid of or him and his family.

I don’t think I could raise a baby in your situation and if you did decide to give it up then there are plenty of couples who would love and care for it.

I don't have anymore to add apart from I am so unbelievably sorry you had to go through this. Whatever decision you make, will be the right one. Sending you so much strength and thoughts ❤️

I am really sorry I don't have advice, I just want to give you a big virtual hug. I didn't want to read and run.

No advice but god, you poor women. I just want to come and give you a huge hug. I wish all of us on MN could take a bit of your pain away until it’s all gone.

Could you contact the home help at Home Start? Hopefully they’ll be in your area, they have volunteers that come out to homes to give respite to people needing it with children under 5, which you absolutely do. If they could come a few times a week and give you a few hours to get some sleep and rest that would help in the short term. Perhaps then you could think more clearly about what you want to do.

Do you have siblings/ other family other than your mum you could ask for help? Friends? Could your other children spend more time at their dad’s over the next couple of months? You just need so much help and support right now, you need to get it anyway you can.

I really, really hope whatever you decide that you can be at peace with your decision and I’m praying that that utter, utter scum goes to prison for a very long time!

I'm so sorry you've been through all of this - any human being would feel they are breaking under pressure. All of these events individually (rape, harrassment, premature baby, having newborn as a single mum, losing your home) would be traumatic and stressful and you've had it all happen at once. This is absolutely as traumatic as it gets Are you having mental health support? Please go to your gp and your health visitor. With giving the baby up for adoption you need a qualified counsellor to help you make this decision now us on here!! Only you will know what's right for you. What I will say is that whatever you decide you have given the baby the absolute best start in life being close to you will have been so comforting especially when premature.

But just to answer some of your points

• newborn babies look the most like their dads when they are newborn. Mine did too but he looks less like him now at 8 months old. Being brought up by you he should get your mannerisms
• please call a rape or dv charity for advice about him contacting you- I'm sure it would be straightforward to get the police to stop him and make this illegal. Same with the 'grandmother'
• colic is such hard work but it will get better soon! It's worse when they're really young.
• please get out to a mum and baby group or children's centre baby group - staff there are qualified and trained to support you. I did a baby massage course at a children's centre that was really therapeutic.

Can you reach out to some friends for support? Can you ask the older children's father to take them a bit more for a little bit of respite?

You can also claim child maintenance using the child maintenance service - this I has nothing to do with him getting parental rights of any kind- you're financially struggling because of his decision therefore he should pay.

Op I'm not sure if this is good advice although well intended, there is a chance if you put baby up for adoption they might offer her first to the rapist or his family - I'm not certain but you'd need to seek advice from social services about that.

Op you can also ask social services for help now perhaps they have a family support worker who can come and visit and help you

But 'not growing up in this situation'

If op can access support (from social devices, mental health services etc) then I don't think the baby's situation is bad - she has a loving mum and loving big siblings and they have a home waiting for them when op goes back to work

@Itsgoingtobeokay
I could well be wrong but I am under the impression that once convicted of rape parental rights are gone, but I'm not 100% on that.

as I explained in a previous post, this absolutely isn't the case.

Op if you do as mums net to delete this thread then please screenshot everyone's advice to you first xx

It would be difficult to keep or let go of baby. I'm sorry but I'd be putting my other children first and the impact this will have in their whole lives too. If adoption would be guaranteed with no contact from rapist or his family then as I said both decisions would be difficult but I'd choose adoption. Difficult but best for everyone including baby. Then some therapy for yourself and children. I wish you all the best.

It's wrong but they do.

Just wanted you to know, OP, that you have been in my thoughts. I hope you are doing ok today and you have managed to talk to someone about how you are feeling. 💐

I second that op. Thinking of you sending ❤️

Hi, I posted this at 2am when I was sleep deprived and up feeding baby but to clarify I am in the UK.
I didn’t expect this level of support or replies and I haven’t read them yet but thank you.

I know there have been some questions regarding him/his family getting custody. I was led to believe this would never happen. When I contacted social services about adoption when I was pregnant I told them if they were going to offer him or his family custody I will keep her. Social services consultant their legal team who went through his criminal history (he has general assault convictions amongst domestic abuse, rape and even abuse of his own mother) and they said he’d absolutely not get custody. They consulted their legal team who said the adoption could go ahead without his consent or knowledge because of how she was conceived then I was put to an adoption agency who found her foster to adopt parents. They told me they didn’t have to inform him or ask him for permission due to conception. I made it clear to them that I wanted her to be adopted not placed with “family” they found a foster to adopt gay couple who desperately wanted her and passed the panel. The plan was is she would go with them after birth but I changed my mind and yes I feel extremely guilty about letting them down that still eats me up. When I decided to keep her the social worker told me that if I was to change my mind, the couple had told her to tell me that they would always be there as an option.

Yes my parents know the situation. My mum and dad work full time and have to in order to pay the mortgage on this place which is sky high. They’re trying to support me mentally and physically the best that they can but it’s difficult. My aunt doesn’t work and I was hoping she would help me but upon asking her if she could have the baby so I could have a night off she said “you shouldn’t have had this baby” so I’m done with her. Tonight I am having my first night off because my 3 children are with their dad for the weekend and my mum is doing the night feeds tonight.

I do think I just need to power through this newborn phase and il be ok. It’s just so hard and it’s harder knowing I’m raising the child of a man I hate and who ruined mine and my children’s life’s. I want my old life back but I’ve come to realise even if I do give her up, it’s not like I will be able to work again and get my home back overnight I will probably have more emotional trauma after than I do now because giving her up will absolutely break me. I lost a child in 2019 from sepsis and it nearly killed me, I imagine this would feel the same.

I just want my home back, my own space, my own car so I can take her to appointments without relying on family members. I’m 29, I shouldn’t be this dependent on people. I’m sure il get back to the place I was in before this, I just don’t know how long it will take.