Thinking about giving newborn up for adoption *Warning from MNHQ - includes mention of sexual assault*

[Soph282]

I feel terrible for writing this, but I feel like giving my newborn up for adoption. This is hard because part of me wants to and the other part of me loves her and would be devastated if I did. I also have 3 other children who love their sister so it’s difficult, the eldest is 8 so it’s not like she could just slip off without them knowing when they’re older.

Some background is this child was conceived by rape. Rape by a co-worker I barely knew at the new years Christmas work party. Not only rape, but bodily harm. He has been charged for rape and ABH, unfortunately he is on bail because he’s pled not guilty but the trials in December. He also has done this to another women the month previous I found out after which he’s also on bail for. I didn’t find out I was pregnant till I was 16 weeks gone, at which point I decided to continue after backing out of a termination 3 times. I contacted social services myself and they put me in touch with an adoption agency who found adoptive parents for the baby and adoption was always the plan.

I went from living a great life, I had a good job, a car, a mortgage and my own home. I have 3 other children eldest is 8 and the youngest is 3, I split with their dad in 2020 and I’ve been single ever since and like it that way. When we split we sold our family home and split what was left over after paying off the mortgage. I used that money to mortgage a beautiful 4 bedroom home of my own which I worked 5 nights a week as a nurse to pay off.

After this event, I quit my job. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and I can not engage with strange men. Even familiar men, even my own father makes me anxious and he is the man I trust the most. I do not feel Im in a position to go back to work yet. Obviously I will move to a different hospital as I’m not returning there, but at the moment I don’t feel mentally able to work. I am receiving sick pay from work and I’ve moved back in with my mum because the only way I can afford to keep my house is to rent it out. I don’t receive universal credit as I have a property I don’t reside in. Only income is sick pay and child support from my 3 children’s dad which isn’t a bad amount but after I’ve paid half of the bills (that was the agreement with my mum) plus food and other expenses I’m broke. I only make £100 profit a month on renting my home, the other rental income goes on the mortgage. I have sold my car so I rely on my mum for transport now. I am just praying and hoping that soon my anxiety will calm down and I will be able to return to work and move back in to my house, the current tenants have 6 months left on their tenancy.

Anyway, I’m rambling sorry. My daughter was born at 26 weeks due to placental abruption in June. So although she’s 3 months old, developmentally and size wise she’s a newborn (only 6.6lbs) she has been home two weeks after a long NICU stay in two different hospitals. Thankfully she is now healthy.

When she was born, I felt there was an invisible cord attaching me to her. I got called by social services asking if I wanted foster to adopt parents to take over care but I said I needed some time to think. I remember returning to my home town hospital in the taxi 2 days after my daughter was born (I had to give birth in a hospital 2 hours away) and as the distance got further my heart felt like it was breaking more and more. I wanted her and I couldn’t leave her whilst she was so vulnerable. After speaking to perinatal and my midwife I decided I did not want to give her up and I needed to do what I felt in my heart so I returned and stopped social services involvement.

Fast forward to now and all is just stressful. I am finding it hard living in somebody else’s house, I want my independence back. I am having about 2 hours sleep a day due to colic and juggling that with the school runs and entertaining my other three is making me physically sick, I am on the edge of a breakdown. Every time she cries I just feel like jumping off of a bridge. I am exhausted mentally, I miss my old life and I can’t do this.

As well as that, I see her dad in her so much and it’s hurting me. I didn’t see it previously, now I do. I sometimes look at her and subconsciously blame her for how my life now is because of her fathers actions.

He has also been trying to make contact with me as has his family. He knows I had a child as the police told him when they DNA tested him and the baby (he denied ever having sex with me let alone raping me) He had my number from a work WhatsApp group and I never changed it and before now he had never contacted me even before this happened. I started getting calls off of withheld which I ignored and then I picked one up and it was him. I told him to go away and I hung up. I then received numerous texts saying he wanted to see his child, telling me that he didn’t rape me and gaslighting me telling me it was all in my imagination because I’m “crazy” (must have been in my imagination that he dragged a match through my skin too which required a skin graft) I also received social media messages from his mother asking to see “her grandchild” I messaged back saying “considering the circumstances I do not think this is appropriate, please do not contact me” she then messaged back saying that myself and babies father should be adults for babies sake and resolve our differences. I’m pretty sure he’s lied to her about what happened and how baby was conceived and she probably has no idea about police involvement and I’m not going to bother explaining myself, I want nothing to do with him. I have deleted every social media platform and have changed my number. I called the police saying he contacted me as there is a restraining order and they arrested him but was bailed the next day and hasn’t tried to contact me further.

I feel so angry that he is gaslighting me, in fact I only discovered that term today and I can’t believe how awful it feels. To be told you’re crazy and something didn’t happen which you have proof of is absolutely infuriating. How dare he also ask to see my daughter after he forced this on me.

Honestly I don’t know what I am expecting writing this but I needed to vent. I am sleep deprived, I am stressed, I am so hurt and I am so angry and upset about what he’s done to me and my life. I just feel she would be better elsewhere because I’m on the verge of a mental break down, I can feel it coming.

I agree with @NynaeveSedaiOfTheYellowAjah in terms of advice they are giving. In doesn't mean its right but it is how family Court works. Social services have a duty to assess father and any potential family members on maternal or paternal side who come forward asking to care for baby. Even when the liklihood is very slim. Plus, q social worker might assess negatively, but a judge may overule - I am a social worker and this happens in what I would consider some of the most risky cases. Family court is a shambles. I dont want to scare but its important to have the information before making such a huge decision.

Op, this is just horrendous for you. What you need right now is time, care and support, before you can make such a huge decision. Please reach out to get independent legal advice. I wish we could have a team of women that could swoop in and take care of you properly. Do you have a support network?

Sending love, you have been through a horrendous time.
very, very difficult but my only thought would be, could baby’s paternal grandmother adopt baby? This way you could possibly have contact through baby’s life if you chose to in the future?

Obviously would depend on her age etc or is there another member of his family?

Oh OP. It breaks my heart hearing this. You’ve been through such a traumatic thing. You are doing an amazing job of noticing what is going on for you in terms of your emotions, thoughts and reactions to your baby. Despite the lack of sleep, hormones and trauma, you are still thinking about what’s best for you and your baby. You have reached out to us for support. You are amazing.

My very firm advice, from a place of kindness, is to phone Social Services this morning. This is something you need to talk though with someone. Be honest and tell them what you’ve told us. Don’t make any decisions while you are in such a fog.

Ideally, I think, you need specialist therapy with someone who works with mothers and babies around attachment struggles and has expertise in trauma work. People in your situation can find it re traumatising to see their abuser/rapist in the face of their child and it can get really hard later on and lead to poor mental health for mother and child. It’s very natural that your brain and body will want to avoid those triggers. It’s your survival instinct. It’s NOT your fault. It is your responsibility to do something about it but you can’t do that alone. But it’s not your fault, and I really want you to remember that. You can’t help the way you are feeling. You are doing your best. I want you, above all to show yourself the same compassion you’d show someone you love if they were in this situation.

It’s impossible for anyone here to advise you in terms of what to do. It’s so so complex. There are so many things influencing your brain, body and mind at the moment and it must be so hard to get clarity. For your sake, your baby’s sake and your other children, you need a therapeutic space to think it all through. EMDR (to dampen the physiological disturbance to do with the trauma and any avoidance) with mother/baby work (to help you to build the bond and see past the reminders of him) would be what I think would help but I’m not sure if this is available where you are. SS will know.

At the very least, you need some practical help. You need space for you, so you can look after yourself and process this very complex and painful situation you find yourself in.

Contact SS today and ask for support. Try and take some time out today if your mum will have the baby and little one. Tell her you are struggling and need time to just cry and think.

I’ll be thinking of you. Take really good care of yourself.

The invisible cord you described is real. Remember that. You’ve been through hell because of this man - I can’t even imagine. I think your priorities are getting some sleep and getting further support with your PTSD. Lack of sleep and exhaustion is unbearable and causes physical and mental issues. It can make you into a shell of your normal self. If you could get some support with this and caring for your other children, that would help. Can your mum help? A friend? Is there any way you can reduce the amount you pay to your parents so you can afford some help?

It must be so overwhelming. I think breaking things down into chunks is the way forward - the practical things, I mean. I wouldn’t make any decision about adoption while you’re struggling with lack of sleep and exhaustion.

But you must put a stop to the messages from this man. Speak to the police and/or a solicitor. He has no right to continuing torturing you. As for his mum, can you get a friend to message her back very, very bluntly. Unbelievable.

I've been through something similar. This won't last forever. Today is a nightmare but it won't last. You'll find your way one day at a time. You'll thrive again. You'll be happy again. You'll be confident and capable again. It really does get easier. PTSD can be dealt with. What happened to me now feels like it happened to someone else. I can talk about it freely and it doesn't make me feel anything. It took a lot of therapy but there really is a light at the end of the tunnel. This won't define you and it won't define your daughter. Just make sure you're 100% sure before making a decision. I took my daughter to an adoption agency once so I understand. I was so sure I couldn't give her a good chance. The agency didn't think it was right, and sent me home to rethink. I ended up realizing I did have other options and things weren't as bleak as it seemed. What helped me moving forward was thinking of her as mine and only mine. If I noticed features from him I thought of her ancestral line, not him. I didn't let him have any power over us at all. We belonged to ourselves and no one else. She's a teenager now so of course this was all a long process. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Whatever you choose, know it takes a very loving mother to give up a child. Only someone who's been in those shoes could understand. Only you can know if that's truly the best path. Just don't pressure yourself to fix everything right now, or to feel like you have to get back what you've lost. You can't. All you can do is pick up the pieces you have left (and you do have a lot) and decide which path to take as those moments arise. Take it moment by moment for awhile until you've slept and healed some. This is the time to seek comfort and rest, not make huge decisions or figure it all out. Definitely find a therapist asap. PTSD is forever so you'll always need to treat it- which does get easier. All of these horrible new things in your life will become just basic facts over time, like having a scar that's healed over. It doesn't hurt anymore but you can remember it did once. I've attached an image of the hierarchy of needs- right now you need to focus on the basic needs like sleeping and eating. Huge decisions are on the upper tiers- not accessible until you've taken care of the base needs first. Look up some mindfulness techniques as well. That really helped me. So in all my advise is to find someone to talk to, take care of basic needs and no more, and give yourself room to process. And remember you do have many happy days ahead and you will look back on this and feel proud of yourself because you are a badass survivor.

Are you not on maternity leave from work, rather than sick pay?

Just holding your hand. Having a newborn baby is shitty at the best of times. You are an amazing person, strong and you'll come through the other side. I can't advise because ultimately it's your life and your baby, and she is yours, not his. But, as others have said, as difficult as life is right now, sleep deprivation makes everything seem x10000 times worse and you don't want to look back and regret it once you're out of the fog. Is there a less permanent option? Xxx

Soph282

I've name changed for this and just had a cry.

My son was conceived through rape. I have never told anybody. Everyone knows he was a surprise, but they dont know the circumstances. I was in an abusive relationship for 7 years with his dad and my son was our 3rd DC.

I'd split up with his dad when he was conceived. We'd met up to scatter our first babies ashes who had died a few years prior shortly after being born. And we had a living DD who is the middle child.

My DD was my 5th pregnancy as I was diagnosed with PCOS, when I found out I was pregnant with my son I was so shocked. I still cant believe i fell pregnant from what happened.

I wanted to have an abortion. I'd managed to split up from him and I knew that being pregnant again was another tie, another reason he wouldnt leave me alone.

I spent my entire pregnancy stressed and upset, in the end I had to be induced as my baby had IUGR and was born weighing 4lb 9oz.

I didnt want him the entire pregnancy and the only reason I ended up keeping him was because my first son had died and I felt like if I had an abortion I would never ever get the chance to have another baby. But I still didnt want him, but I did. It was a horrible mix of emotions

He fed every 2 hours when he was born and my DD wasnt eligible for nursery until he was 5 months old. It was one of the worst times of my life. I felt like killing myself and my children. I was so tired and my ex was still being physically abusive and verbally abusive to me despite the fact we didnt live together anymore. It was awful.

My ex forced me to name my son after him, my first two children have my surname, my little boy has his dads first name and last name.... I really struggled to bond with my son and at first all I could see was his dad, it didnt help with the name

It wasnt until my baby was a year old, literally his first birthday, we were in a hostel after moving and his dad had been found guilty in court, ordered not to contact or communicate with me or the children that I finally got felt that proper real surge of overwhelming love for my baby. His first birthday in a hostel, it still makes me cry ow and I'll never forget the fog falling down infront of my eyes and I couldnt believe that this little baby boy infront of me was my baby

I gave him a nickname, which we all still use now, GP's, school, dentists ect have all been really understanding and he is known as my last name everywhere. When I've got the strength I'll apply to chance his surname officially to mine

I sorry this has ended up so long. I hope you've managed to read it all

If you feel like adoption is your best option then you should do it. It doesnt mean you dont love your baby,

I dont get the feeling that you truly want to though, i know you said money is tight but is there any way you could afford to put your baby in nursery for even a few hours one day a week?

While your so sleep deprived and stressed out, you wont be properly on form, its impossible to be when your this tired. If you can hold it out, I would wait to make a decision until you and baby are sleeping better

I have carried guilt around for my little boy all these years, I feel so bad he didnt get the mum he needed in that first stage of his life. He loves me so much and I absolutely adore him, hes so outgoing and confident, and so so funny. He is so sweet and kind to me and everyone else. Everyone says I'm soft on him and i know i am, i dont think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for disliking him so much at the begining. It wasnt his fault, nor mine. It was a horrific situation to be in

Do ou have any siblings, close family or friends who could have the baby for a night or the children? Or maybe nursery? Or your mum?

Whatever decision you Make will be the best one for you and your family, there is no wrong "answer" here.

When you arnt as stressed and tired I'd look into extensive counselling too, I developed anorexia as a way to cope with all the external stress, which lead to it's own issues 🤦‍♀️

I really hope your okay, I know your not but I hope you know what I mean

Your incredibly strong to have come this far and to have gotten through everything so far, your doing so well

Ahh before I forget and nobody needs to start benefit bashing..... have you looked into claiming benefits?

I am on universal credit and receive the LCWRA component and I receive standard daily living on PIP too. I cannot tell you how much the money has made our life so much easier as I am still unable to work. I know you've said you cant claim because of your rental property, I'd look into that as as far as I'm aware you can still claim universal credit but they will count your rent as income..... but if you can claim LCWRA ( which you are 100% entitled to as your situation is very very similar to mine ) that will really up your UC amount and you should receive somthing from them

Good luck, I hope everything comes together really nicely for you. Me and my children are very happy now, but it was horrific in the begining xx

Ok op here’s the practical things you need to do and get your mother and/or social worker/police victim support to help with if you can.

first thing you need to do is see a solicitor and get an order put in place for him and his mother to be barred from contacting you, your children and the baby.

you also need to call the police because you are a witness to his crime and I’m certain it would’ve been made clear to him that he cannot have contact with any witnesses and getting his mother to contact you is even worse. This is harassment and likely breach of his bail conditions.

next. Block them all on social media. In fact, if you can and don’t need your social media temporarily deactivate your accounts. its one less way for stress to creep in. If you need your social media then block them and change your name to a very common name. Eg smith/Jones so it’s harder for them to find you through different accounts or use your surname as your first name and first name as surname for example. You may have to consider setting up a new one if the issues persists. I’ve helped several women do this as it is incredibly mentally draining to start over but it can be the best thing.

Speak to your GP/midwife/heath visitor and ask for a female staff member. If they don’t know what has happened then perhaps tell them if you can because with your rape and the traumatic delivery and a NICU baby it’s very likely you could have post natal depression alongside the PTSD. Which is going to hugely feed into your feelings of a break down.

women’s aid can help with resources and support too not just for the rape but dealing with the demands for access to your baby and the harassment you’re dealing with by either support themselves or getting relevant people involved.

I haven’t at all mentioned your desire right now for adoption because you are in crisis and I don’t believe it would be fair for you to even go that route just yet without the right support in regards to the harassment. I fear you want to put the baby up for adoption to make sure your rapist stays away from you. You need the other help first.

I’m so sorry OP, your life has been turned upside down in the worst of ways.

Are you still under the perinatal team? In my area they have excellent psychologists who provide EMDR together with other team members who can try help you process your situation. Please do use them - they provide mental health support you wouldn’t otherwise ever access on NHS and are a wonderful team

Sorry, awful thought but needs to be said...

If she is given up for adoption, presumably the father has to agree. The baby could easily end up with him or his parents if he's in prison.

I am so very truly sorry for you situation - I cannot even begin to imagine what have gone and are going through. The only point I feel able to put forward is that adoption would protect the baby from their father and his family, and in a way you & your other children. The rest I cannot comment on other than to say I hope that this thread throws up some support services who will be there to help you navigate this. 💐

This was so sad to read. And I don’t blame you for considering adoption as the baby (although not her fault) will be a constant reminder of the trauma you have suffered. I don’t think anyone would judge you negatively for going the adoption route and in a way it may be better for baby to grow up away from all the trauma.

I doubt hes on the birth certificate so his thoughts on anything to do with the baby are irrelevant

I'm sorry but this is not true at all.
I've already posted up thread about the legalities of relinquished baby adoption. The father, if his identity is known, needs to be informed of the adoption and give consent UNLESS there is a high enough risk to the mother or baby that he is not informed which can only be agreed via an application to court.
lack of PR is irrelevant.

I think under the children's act, social services will have to consider placing the child with the father's family. I'm not saying for one moment this is right but they will need to look at any relation who wants to adopt the child.

But DNA results have shown him to be the biological father whether he’s on the birth certificate or not which I thought would make a difference?

All this aside though, I would really hope that he or his family would not be allowed the baby. I’m just so sorry OP is going through this.

A previous poster said that maybe adoption would be the best thing for the baby….a whole fresh start with people who love her unconditionally. I can’t help but think she’d had a batter life in that scenario rather than growing up in knowing she was the result of a rape - how could she ever want a relationship with her father? And can you imagine how damaging and traumatic an environment that would be for her to grow up in and carry that around with her forever?

All babies deserve to be raised by adults/parents who can love them and provide them with the best life.

And how can OP ever heal from the trauma of her rape if every day she is faced with a living reminder of it? And I imagine that his family won’t just back off….she will have to be surrounded by them and the memories of her rape forever. I don’t think I could live like that.

If OP is considering abortion then I can completely understand why xx

Yes.
it is a little more nuanced when it's a relinquished adoption rather than through local authority care proceedings but essentially there has to be a very strong reason not to inform/consult the father and this isn't up to the mother to decide, a court has to make that decision.
If there are suitable family members who wish to raise the baby again there would need to be extremely strong reasons why this wouldn't be preferred above adoption. The legal test for adoption is 'nothing else will do'.

@HeadAgainstWall0923
.a whole fresh start with people who love her unconditionally. I can’t help but think she’d had a batter life in that scenario rather than growing up in knowing she was the result of a rape - how could she ever want a relationship with her father? And can you imagine how damaging and traumatic an environment that would be for her to grow up in and carry that around with her forever?

her mother loves her unconditionally. Further, she will find out she was conceived through rape if she is adopted. Her life story will be available to her when she's old enough to understand and process it. Why would you think she would 'grow up knowing she was the result of a rape' - why would OP share that with her as a child?
lastly you've mentioned the OP considering abortion in your last line. Did you not read that the baby is 3 months old?

You've been given some great advice regarding emotional steps, so I'm going to offer a practical one: contact the police and CPS and say the accused and his family are contacting you. That's interfering with a prosecution witness and they could be charged with attempting to pervert the course of justice, particularly the mother who should not be telling you to put everything aside so she can see her grandchild. That is evil.

If this is going to court in December PLEASE get mnhq to take this thread down . You don’t want that scumbag getting away with it x

I hope you can get the support you need

I dont know the ins and outs of it but I thought once convicted of rape all parental rights of the baby are gone. I could well be wrong, but in my case where my son was conceived of rape, his father was court ordered not to contact or communicate with me or my children, I've been able to get passports ect without his permission ect and he hasnt seen my children in almost 6 years

My son will never know he was conceived via rape. He doesnt need to know. He knows he was a surprise and he believes he has been loved since day one. He will never know how he was really made, he doesnt need to know. He is loved every single day by me, his sister and our family

I doubt very much the OP is going to tell her baby she was conceived via rape. Why would she tell her that?

I also agree with this. There are too many identifying details - co-worker, already on bail for another rape allegation, you've moved to a sea side town, three kids, left work etc etc. You need to have the thread removed but do take the advice from PP about how to move forward.

I dont know the ins and outs of it but I thought once convicted of rape all parental rights of the baby are gone. I could well be wrong

not automatically, there is nothing specific in law to provide for this. In fact parental responsibility is almost never removed outside of adoption. However you can certainly have no contact orders in place for the child to last a specific length of time as well as orders to protect yourself which could amount to the same thing.