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Original poster

I don't like my daughter boyfriend

121 replies

lemonpeaxh20 · 04/09/2023 10:01

So it may seem strange to post as my DD is a grown woman she is 24, but I am just looking for advice. So my DD has been with her partner for over year and they share a house together but she will not let me meet him, she says it's because of the way I speak of her partner but I'm not a fan of the area he lives in, which is now the area she has moved to with him. I worry that he may not be good enough for her and she has become very introverted and a different person since being with him. What can I do to help make this situation better ?

OP posts:
QforCucumber · 04/09/2023 10:02

You stop judging him for the area he lives in and trust your daughters decisions

RoadLess · 04/09/2023 10:03

How can you ‘not be a fan of the area he lives in’?

Unless it’s Hell, and he’s an under-devil?

HeadacheEarthquake · 04/09/2023 10:04

You're judging him based on where he lives? Sounds like she's better off with him than you - what a joke you are.

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VeridicalVagabond · 04/09/2023 10:06

Has she become introverted since being with him, or is she just distancing herself from someone who would judge the person she loves based on where he lives?

Original poster
lemonpeaxh20 · 04/09/2023 10:07

I just find it difficult, in our town it’s known to be quite a rough area and I’m just worried about her finding trouble whilst she is down there. No matter my opinion of his area I would still love to meet who she is with

OP posts:
Original poster
lemonpeaxh20 · 04/09/2023 10:08

She doesn’t come to visit as much she says she finds it’s difficult because I will voice my concerns about her situation

OP posts:
MintJulia · 04/09/2023 10:08

So the only thing you know about him is where he lives, and yet you don't like him?

No wonder your daughter doesn't want to introduce you. I'd be embarrassed of such snobbishness as well.

CoteDOpale · 04/09/2023 10:10

He’s not good enough for her because he comes from a particular area?!

Fuck me… it’s depressing to think people like this actually exist.

GingerIsBest · 04/09/2023 10:12

Bloody hell, you have decided you don't like him based on where he lives? No wonder your dd has decided to keep him far away from you. I assume that you have made similar ridiculous judgements of previous boyfriends - wrong accent, wrong school, wrong clothes?

MintJulia · 04/09/2023 10:14

OP, I've live in an area that got a bad name about 20 years ago.

I've been here 13 years, it's lovely, quiet, clean, I've experienced no crime, the neighbours are friendly. People's views are just ignorance.

The only way you will change your daughter's mind is to stop expressing your uninformed views because she knows they are unfair. Stop judging people you don't know. And stop thinking you have any say in her life. She is an adult and could choose never to speak to you again if she wished.

Start from scratch. Meet her out for a coffee, neutral territory, and talk about things you have been doing. Don't pry. Let her come to you, when she sees you have stopped being so judgmental. I know it's hard sometimes but she's a grown up now so show some respect for her choices.

HeadacheEarthquake · 04/09/2023 10:15

If you'd like to meet him maybe apologise for being so judgemental and frankly stupid, stop voicing unfounded opinions and educate yourself.

Original poster
lemonpeaxh20 · 04/09/2023 10:19

I will admit yes I have been judgemental of her previous partners, but that is because i feel I know her worth and sometimes she doesn’t realise it, as well as the background she comes from. I try to meet her on neutral ground to discuss it but she says she’s tired of speaking of it and just wants us all to get along for her. I find it hard to change my opinion because it was how I was raised

OP posts:
TotalOverhaul · 04/09/2023 10:23

Seriously/ You've never met him. Reassure her that you promise you won;t even mention the area or anything judgemental in any way. Invite them over for dinner or Sunday lunch and be nice!

I've had to be really civil to some horrible people my DC were involved with and it helps a lot to keep the relationship with your adult child very happy and strong so they can turn to you if the relationship fails.

Turtlegurl888 · 04/09/2023 10:24

Christ, no wonder she doesn't want you to meet him, I'd be so very embarrassed of you if I were your daughter.
The background she comes from??? You do know you are no better than anyone else, right?
Poor sod should make a quick escape before he ends up with a godawful mother in law, sadly for your daughter. I haven't read something so unapologetically judgemental in ages.

muchalover · 04/09/2023 10:25

When did we, as a society, get so rude??

Whilst we may believe OP is misguided no-one needs to be this rude!

You don't need to like her bf as you are not dating him. As long as he treats her well who cares about his address. Don't risk your relationship with your daughter over her choices. If you think she's in harms way support her to make decisions about this. She won't turn to you if you damage your relationship.

Maybe they will be together forever, maybe they won't, but don't risk your forever with her over it.

I would go for coffee and admit you were wrong but you have grown and learned from it. Understand she may still be reluctant to share this aspect with you and accept it.

However, if she lets you meet him be kind. She may have concerns he won't meet your 'ideals' if you make a judgement based on a postcode.

SleeplessinSeattle53 · 04/09/2023 10:26

Is this even real? How can you have formed a judgement if you haven't even met him?

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 04/09/2023 10:26

Hello Hyacinth Bucket

RoadLess · 04/09/2023 10:27

lemonpeaxh20 · 04/09/2023 10:19

I will admit yes I have been judgemental of her previous partners, but that is because i feel I know her worth and sometimes she doesn’t realise it, as well as the background she comes from. I try to meet her on neutral ground to discuss it but she says she’s tired of speaking of it and just wants us all to get along for her. I find it hard to change my opinion because it was how I was raised

You were raised to look down on poorer areas? Let me suggest that this is something you grow out of. I was raised to think women should defer to men, that no one likes confidence, and that university isn’t for working-class girls, but fortunately, I realised these ideas were nonsense, and grew out of them.

Your daughter’s ‘worth’ is unrelated to the place in which she grew up.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 04/09/2023 10:27

You don't like him because of where he lives? You sound like a lunatic. No wonder why she's keeping him away.

patrollingpaws · 04/09/2023 10:28

What have you actually said about him?

WithIcePlease · 04/09/2023 10:29

He could be a gem of a man from a bad area
Or an abusive twat from a fancy area

Get a grip

Triffid1 · 04/09/2023 10:34

I've met a lot of snobs in my time, but usually they try to pretend they're not snobs. So this strikes me as someone trying too hard to "better themselves".

Top tip - super posh people who are snobby still pretend to welcome the new boyfriend/girlfriend while being more subtle in their attempts to get rid of the interloper.

YOu'll need to work harder to join their ranks.

DeadButDelicious · 04/09/2023 10:48

You've never met him, so you're basing your entire opinion of him on where he lives? Has she not told you anything about him? Do you not think it's a failing on your part that your daughter views you to be so judgmental that she won't introduce you to the man she's living with?

Look, I had a boyfriend that my parents HATED and with good reason, he was abusive and just vile to live with but they never bad mouthed him, they never judged (to my face) because they knew it could end up driving me further into harms way, what they did however was make sure they were a consistent, supportive presence in my life and as soon as I said I wanted to leave they swooped in and helped me in any way they could. By being loving and supportive and not piling additional pressure on me they made it feel easier to leave when I needed too as I had that network around me. I will
always be grateful for that. It was exactly what I needed.

This man could be a diamond for all you know. Time to put away those judgey pants and make sure your daughter knows you love her and you're there for her so she will
allow you to meet this important person in her life.

If he does turn out to be all you feared, you are better positioned to help her if you haven't alienated her.

Whawillthefuturebring · 04/09/2023 10:52

You’re an adult and you can’t hide behind the way you were parented as an excuse for your poor parenting and rude behaviour. If you continue this way your daughter may go low/non contact with you.

CurlewKate · 04/09/2023 10:59

My dd lived in Morningside (if you know you know) with a man who was born and raised in Morningside and who was an investment banker. She finally left after the fractured eyesocket. Just saying.

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