I don't like my daughter boyfriend

[lemonpeaxh20]

So it may seem strange to post as my DD is a grown woman she is 24, but I am just looking for advice. So my DD has been with her partner for over year and they share a house together but she will not let me meet him, she says it's because of the way I speak of her partner but I'm not a fan of the area he lives in, which is now the area she has moved to with him. I worry that he may not be good enough for her and she has become very introverted and a different person since being with him. What can I do to help make this situation better ?

I think it's incredible that you think 'a good middle class background' will define someone's worth.

Keep out of it - zip the lip! It sounds as though you have nil trust in your DD's judgement - no wonder she is fed up.

I have several DDs and they were brought up in what can only be described as a middle class professional family - two of them took up with - and are now married to - what OH and I privately and jokingly called their "bits of rough"! We welcomed them and learned their qualities. They are lovely lads and great fathers.

Your mistake was to tell her you were not happy with her taking up with a man from an area you disapprove of, and moving there herself. She can't unhear that now - you have made your feelings plain. You are reaping the reward. Leave the subject alone. Your DD must be entirely bored with hearing this.

If she were to come to you bruised, battered, stoned and frightened - that would be the time to speak out. But that could just as easily happen with an upper class twit as with someone from more lowly beginnings.

I think you are jolly lucky that she talks to you at all!!

I thought all the kids were back at school now?

OP’s posts sound like they are written by a 10 year old….

If this is true, OP has a problem for every solution. And is a snob.

My DH was from a rough neighbourhood. He wasn't a phase and we have been married 10 years next month. We actually moved away when I was pregnant.
My DM was concerned, just like you were. She actually stopped talking to me when I moved into the area.
Hold back on the criticism. I know its hard. We worry about our kids but have faith in your DD. You raised her right, she knows what she is doing. She can tell right from wrong. Trust her judgement.
I picked a diamond in the rough. She might have to. Don't judge him from his background. It makes you look like a snobby dick.
The more you say, the more it pushes her away.

It’s hilarious that you’ve posted this in the Parenting section, about a 24yr old making good choices to distance herself from her dreadfully behaving mother. I mean, you come across really, really badly. You’re humiliating yourself.

your daughter doesn’t want to be around you because-in your own words- ‘She doesn’t come to visit as much she says she finds it’s difficult because I will voice my concerns’. The answer is staring you in the face 😄

You can’t have done a very good job of raising your daughter in your nice middle class area if she doesn’t know her own worth and is going to throw her job away for a bloke.

Or, alternatively, you have raised a decent, confident daughter who values people for their worth, not their postcode, and who is going to do just fine.

Sadly, with the way you’ve behaved, you may not get the chance to find out. And what makes it even bloody worse is if you’re right, you’re going to be the last person she comes to for help.

I think to make it personal about my spelling and grammar is completely uncalled for ! There's no need to make it personal about me when I have come for advice. Also for those who keep saying I can't have an opinion when I haven't met him, I have tried numerous times yet she will not arrange a date for us to meet.

I thought this was a wind up at first but then I remembered someone I know with a similar mother.

She fell for a guy who had a bit of a chequered past, in prison a couple of times, in and out of jobs. Her parents were horrified, banned him from the house, said they'd disinherit her if she continued to date him etc.

She ended up moving in with him, he turned his life around, he works very hard, great job, no longer mixing with his previous crowd. They've had a baby and are very happy.

The parents didn't go to her wedding and have never met their grandson. She's an only child and they've missed out on so much due to their attitude. Of course they would have reservations with his history but to go as far as they have is madness.

Be very careful OP or you'll lose her, if you haven't already.

And you really have to ask yourself why you haven't met him?

Yes, because you refuse to stop gobbing off and refuse to behave in a civilised manner 🥴

Have you considered if you were a nicer (& less judgemental) person to be around then she might want to spend more time with you?

She might know what's waiting for him when you two finally meet, that's why she's putting it off.

Hopefully you’ve brought your daughter up with better manners than you have.

You are absolutely the one pushing her away. You’re so abhorrent about someone you haven’t met, someone she loves, that she’s keeping you away from them. That says it all.

The more you post the more completely unhinged you sound.

If this is real I think it's obvious why she's pulling away from you, and it's nothing to do with the boyfriend. You're doing this all yourself.

Do you really think everyone else on this thread is wrong?

You need to stop what your doing, your doings are pushing her away, my mum was the same when I met my partner, I was pushing her out bla bla bla and you no what? She now gets on with my partner like a house on fire, I've been with him for 6 years and he's raised two boys that aren't his biologically.

You need to back off and let your daughter figure out her life, her relationships and job. You've done your job raising her let, her go and be her best self!. You may then get to meet this boyfriend and I bet you'll be surprised. Judging someone for were they are from is a big red flag, she sees that red flag. Hating on someone you haven't met or even know his personality is all on you. I'm not surprised she's staying away.

You don't have to like him. Your daughter does

Your job is to back off, allow her to make her own judgments (without any comment from you )

Invite them both over for a drink, bbq. Whatever. Keep your opinions to yourself. You need ri start building a relationship with then both as a couple

Accept that's who she wants and try for her sake. Tell her you will try and build bridges. Don't comment on where he is from and get to know him. You might actually learn something good about it and gain an understanding about him. Especially about what she sees in him.

My only advice is keep your opinions to yourself if they concern where he is from and do not push your daughter away. Whatever your thoughts she is involved with him. & she is an adult. Your choice but no you do not have a say in who your daughter dates unless you a have a real & serious concern A post code does not count .

I agree with others. Apologise for what you have said and see if they are prepared to meet you.

If this is how you were raised, to look down on people because of where they are from and to dislike someone without even meeting them, then you were raised poorly. Your worth and your daughters is no more or less than his. She has become introverted because of you, not him. He could be the loveliest bloke, but you will never see this because of his postcode. It seems very mean minded and I doubt you are like this in other areas of your life.

I will find it hard to sit down and speak with him as I am very set in my mind. My daughter tells me she will let me meet him if I promise not to shout and voice my opinion as she believes he doesn't deserve to be exposed to my opinions. But I told her I would find it hard and I will not lie about how I feel about the situation

You've been given advice and you're completely disregarding it because you're so narrow-minded!

Cringe.