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Original poster

I don't like my daughter boyfriend

121 replies

lemonpeaxh20 · 04/09/2023 10:01

So it may seem strange to post as my DD is a grown woman she is 24, but I am just looking for advice. So my DD has been with her partner for over year and they share a house together but she will not let me meet him, she says it's because of the way I speak of her partner but I'm not a fan of the area he lives in, which is now the area she has moved to with him. I worry that he may not be good enough for her and she has become very introverted and a different person since being with him. What can I do to help make this situation better ?

OP posts:
Echobelly · 04/09/2023 12:11

If she seems introverted, it's probably because she can't trust you anymore.

You are hurting your daughter with your outdated and judgemental opinions... you do know most people can have a conversation without having to blurt out their opinions on the other person's background?

I don't understand how you can't possibly keep those opinions to yourself? Just... don't say them? Don't bring up the topic of where he's from, ask him about his job and his family and don't say anything negative about their jobs or background, which will probably be fine anyway.

BasiliskStare · 04/09/2023 12:12

WEll @lemonpeaxh20 - the background in which she was raised - well all I can see at the moment is a mother who dislikes her daughter's boyfriend because where he lives isn't as "posh" as DD's family & decides she can stick her beak in because he appears not to from a solid middle class background. You don't know what he is like because you have not met him. & if you think you may not be able to meet him without voicing unwanted opinions then I do not blame your daughter for keeping him away. Politeness goes a long way ( a middle class trait on the whole OP - that is said somewhat ironically ) - ever tried it. ? 😉

Unless his address is c/o Broadmoor hospital or similar I would try ( if it not too late to extend an olive branch ) and actually meet the chap before you judge him.

fancyfrogs · 04/09/2023 12:14

The more you post, the more awful you come across. Sounds like your daughter has got her head screwed on and is doing the right thing by distancing herself from you and not letting you meet him.

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patrollingpaws · 04/09/2023 12:18

lemonpeaxh20 · 04/09/2023 11:39

I think to make it personal about my spelling and grammar is completely uncalled for ! There's no need to make it personal about me when I have come for advice. Also for those who keep saying I can't have an opinion when I haven't met him, I have tried numerous times yet she will not arrange a date for us to meet.

You are receiving advice, but you don't seem to have the insight to see how harmful your own behaviour in all this. Can you reflect on what your daughter is saying and change your approach?

smashburger · 04/09/2023 12:19

The other side of this is that my mum warned me about a specific town and always told me it was full of awful people. She said it's full of women beating drug taking men and aggressive drug dealing women who fight in the street and are arrested regularly.

I met someone from there and despite her warning found out all of these things for myself.
She was not wrong. I shouldn't have gone.
Rewriting the same history she had with my dad I was in also in a DV relationship with a man from a bad family who wasn't kind and had lots of problems. In trouble with police and no respect for anyone else including parents. Issues with substance abuse and everybody, EVERYBODY in this specific part of town that I lived in was the same. It was a scumbag's heaven where I didn't belong

However your posts seem to be a bit more on the snobby side of things rather than protective

MariaVT65 · 04/09/2023 12:22

Echobelly · 04/09/2023 12:11

If she seems introverted, it's probably because she can't trust you anymore.

You are hurting your daughter with your outdated and judgemental opinions... you do know most people can have a conversation without having to blurt out their opinions on the other person's background?

I don't understand how you can't possibly keep those opinions to yourself? Just... don't say them? Don't bring up the topic of where he's from, ask him about his job and his family and don't say anything negative about their jobs or background, which will probably be fine anyway.

Yes this is a really good point about why your daughter is introverted.

I have a ‘similar’ relationship with my mother. I don’t feel close to her and she’s not been a great mother. With my friends and other family i’m very outgoing and affectionate. I find it very difficult to even hug my mother and don’t often initiate conversation with her.

So i’d also look to your own behaviours instead of the boyfriend as to why your daughter acts like this around you.

Folklore9074 · 04/09/2023 12:29

Stop 'voicing your judgements' and any actions that will push your daughter away. She is a grown woman now and her choices her hers to make. Your role is to be a non-judgmental voice of support and love so if she needs you she will know she can turn to you.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 04/09/2023 13:03

your daughter is right

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 04/09/2023 13:08

Which is more important to you - your judgemental attitude or your daughter?

You can't have both long term.

You also know nothing about this man and have jumped to conclusions. Even, in the off chance you are correct, you are dealing with it in the most unproductive way and one rhst will greatly damage your relationship with your daughter.

cuckyplunt · 04/09/2023 13:11

lemonpeaxh20 · 04/09/2023 11:46

I will find it hard to sit down and speak with him as I am very set in my mind. My daughter tells me she will let me meet him if I promise not to shout and voice my opinion as she believes he doesn't deserve to be exposed to my opinions. But I told her I would find it hard and I will not lie about how I feel about the situation

Best just say “Goodbye” to your DD then. You are making her choose between you and her DP and she’s not going to choose you.

Actually you sound bonkers, she will be better off without you. Imagine her voicing these opinions to grandchildren!

cuckyplunt · 04/09/2023 13:12

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PipMumsnet · 04/09/2023 13:36

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dikwad · 04/09/2023 13:51

As you state you find it difficult to keep your opinions to yourself, well so do I! You, my love are a nasty vindictive bitch and I hope your daughter tells you she never wishes to speak to her intrusive, snobby, judgemental idiotic mother ever again.

pinkyredrose · 04/09/2023 13:53

smashburger · 04/09/2023 12:19

The other side of this is that my mum warned me about a specific town and always told me it was full of awful people. She said it's full of women beating drug taking men and aggressive drug dealing women who fight in the street and are arrested regularly.

I met someone from there and despite her warning found out all of these things for myself.
She was not wrong. I shouldn't have gone.
Rewriting the same history she had with my dad I was in also in a DV relationship with a man from a bad family who wasn't kind and had lots of problems. In trouble with police and no respect for anyone else including parents. Issues with substance abuse and everybody, EVERYBODY in this specific part of town that I lived in was the same. It was a scumbag's heaven where I didn't belong

However your posts seem to be a bit more on the snobby side of things rather than protective

What town was this?

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 04/09/2023 13:54

You say you're posting here for advice. Maybe you should actually listen to the unanimous opinion that you are the problem? Your blatant snobbery and closed minded attitude is driving your daughter away.

Sunsnet · 04/09/2023 14:21

lemonpeaxh20 · 04/09/2023 11:46

I will find it hard to sit down and speak with him as I am very set in my mind. My daughter tells me she will let me meet him if I promise not to shout and voice my opinion as she believes he doesn't deserve to be exposed to my opinions. But I told her I would find it hard and I will not lie about how I feel about the situation

This is exactly why I struggle to converse with the lower classes. If you had attended a proper finishing school they would have taught you when and how a lady is to hold her tongue, your lack of self control is astounding. You would rather push your daughter away to live in sin than be quiet and respectful to the man she loves. How uncouth.

nobodysdaughternow · 04/09/2023 14:46

I sincerely hope you can gain a clearer perspective before you dd takes herself away.

You are just so completely wrong in your thinking. It is going to cost you dearly if you don't let go your deeply held belief that you are right and better than other people.

Jevwaypock · 04/09/2023 16:17

Is anyone ever going to be good enough for her unless you choose them? You’re going to lose your daughter with your attitude.

My DH is from a more disadvantaged area than I was and had a really tough upbringing. He has always worked, he is kind and caring, we have 2 children and a nice home and a happy life. He is very respectful of my family and they all like him because he makes me happy!
Surely when it comes down to it don’t we all just want our children to be happy?

Furryrug · 04/09/2023 16:59

My dad was from a 'rough' area and you'd be hard pushed to find a kinder , more generous and respectful man .
You've probably judged your poor daughter all her life, no wonder she has distanced herself from you.

DinaofCloud9 · 04/09/2023 18:48

You sound rough yourself. As if you're "middle class"

drinkuptheezider · 04/09/2023 20:20

I read this at lunchtime, fully expecting it to have gone by tea time.

This is real? There are people who act like this beyond TV land?

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