What have I just done. Worried I've given my child a horrible memory they'll never forget

[wtfhaveijustdone]

My 4 year old can be hard work, he is an absolute sweetheart but knows how to push you. I'm so good at staying calm, my parents screamed and shouted at me and I always vowed never to do that. He was fighting me at bed time; had an answer for everything, wouldn't get in bed, my husbands away so I had to get the baby to bed first and he started screaming so loud I thought he was going to wake the baby up, he was lying on the floor kicking his legs and screaming while I tried to put his shorts on and when he started screaming I put my hand to his mouth and his shorts were in my hand and I covered his mouth with them, I didn't push down and it was only for a few seconds when I caught myself and realised what I was doing was essentially smothering him, my thought process was just blind panic cover the noise, not intending to smother, and like I said I didn't and didn't push down but I did cover his mouth with my hand with the shorts in. He said I scared him and that if I do that he won't be able to breathe. I've apologised loads, he apologised for kicking me. Cuddled up, asked for back tickles, had his stories and fell asleep but I feel sick to my stomach

Is he always going to remember that, is he going to think I tried to smother him, I have horrible memories of my parents being aggressive with me, I'm so upset with how it looks and what's happened. I feel like itll be a core memory. I hate myself right now

You did not try to smother him. You didn't even come close to smothering him. He was screaming blue murder, your brain couldn't handle it and you stopped the noise. Your son is fine. You giving him a shock is not all bad. He needs to work on his self control and learn that screaming isn't an acceptable way to deal with his anger and frustration.

Yes I expect he'll remember this. Have you done anything similar before?

This!

Core memory? My earliest memory is when I turned 7. I doubt he will remember, but you must never do this again. Walk away.

He may well remember it. I remember similar incidents from the age of two, they’re very clear memories.

If it happened exactly as you said (rather than you trying to justify it to yourself in your head) then you didn’t try to smother him. You had no intention of stopping him from breathing.

But you did have the intention to cover his mouth, even if just with your hand. I think in the longer term you should address why you felt the need to cover his mouth to stop the noise. IMO that’s not a normal instinctual response.

If you had covered his mouth but hadn’t been holding the shorts, would that have been acceptable IYO, or would you still have shocked yourself?

Right now, you'll not know.

DD remembers a lot of stuff from when she was 1 onwards. She doesn't (admit to) remembering the crap. She can remember an awful lot of stuff in an awful lot of detail.

DS remembers random stuff from about age 5. He doesn't remember the crap.

Reality is that it's happened now. You stopped yourself within seconds. You're going to be far more aware of not doing it again in the future. Don't beat yourself up about it. Move on and keep giving him lots of lovely memories.

I remember my mum slapping me, it left a bright red handprint across the top of my thigh. However, I also remember I deserved it, I was being spiteful and I put freezing cold hands on her back which I knew she hated and she reacted by instinct. It only happened once and we laugh about it now, I was about 8, I think at four he is too young to remember it.

he started screaming so loud I thought he was going to wake the baby up, he was lying on the floor kicking his legs and screaming

The need was for him not to wake the baby and to stop screaming the house down. Seems like a pretty reasonable need to me.

God no I would never intend to do anything to stop him breathing Jesus Christ

I've never covered his mouth with my hand before now, it just sort of happened so quickly and I am totally thrown by it. I just know he'll remember. I have horrible memories of my dad so young. I don't want him to think of me like that.

Does it sound from the OP that she's used to this kind of thing?

No he won't

You are seriously overreacting. You barely touched him, and you certainly didn't strike him or suffocate him. The fright he got was probably from the look on your face because I'm sure you were at your limit. Which is totally understandable.

I remember my mum trying to cut my nails and I was being a little shit and pushed her away. The scissors stabbed her leg and dark red blood trickled out. I felt so shocked that I had done that to her and I still feel guilty years later. Sometimes kids know when they are pushing boundaries and don’t remember it just one sided

The need was for him not to wake the baby and to stop screaming the house down. Seems like a pretty reasonable need to me.

Sounds like a reasonable need, yes. However it’s a pretty unusual response, to put your hand over a child’s mouth.

If he does remember it, he'll probably remember the context as well, where you both apologised to each other and the evening ended with tickles, cuddles and stories - feeling safe and loved.

He won’t remember. If he cannot understand why he should be quiet why would he understand what your hand might have done? He is too young so don’t mention it again. Don’t do it again either.

But he needs to have better behaviour. Why is he screaming at 4? He should be expressing what his issues are by now. I would walk away and stop being his audience.

Exactly this. I doubt he will remember.

I doubt he will remember! I don’t remember much from that age in all honesty. The fact you are posting advice and have guilt from this shows you aren’t a bad mum and you’ve made a mistake. We all lose our heads at times and learn from it. Kids are hard work! Next time deep breathe, walk away and close the door.

I walked in to my daughter trying to smother my baby son with a pillow, I took his bouncer everywhere with me until they got older, they are 16 and 15 now and couldn’t be closer and laugh about it

@Aquamarine1029 completely agree!

I have a similar memory from around the same age of the one and only time my dad smacked my bottom. He didn't actually hurt me but I got a shock. I also knew I deserved it because I was being a little shit. It's never been a bad memory for me and honestly probably did me some good.

8 is a bit different to 4 though in terms of being able to see things objectively I suppose.

30 years ago my friend’s child was four years old when her husband died and theIr child had no memory of his father. I doubt this child will remember being told off.

It does sound as if it scared him, though I wonder whether what was really scary was your response - you obviously reacted as if you'd done something terrible, and perhaps he picked up on that as much as anything?

I wouldn't ever cover a child's mouth - I think it is up there with things that are unacceptable, like hitting them. Not because you might accidentally cover their nose as well, but because it's violent.

You sound a bit like me - I had violent parents and had to work hard to teach myself how to break that pattern; I was very aware of not being violent with my DD and I still over-analyse everything. Have you had any help with any of this? Any therapy? Or just any good friends to chat to about what they think is normal parenting? I'm asking because IMO the best way to move on from something like this is to tackle the root cause - which is you feeling worried you'll repeat the patterns your parents set - so that you feel confident you'll never put yourself in a situation where you end up doing something you feel isn't ok.

(Oh, and FWIW: there is huge variation in terms of memory formation; it's complicated by the fact that what we think are 'first memories' are often actually reconstructed memories - memories of what we were told had happened. Children can protect themselves by blanking out very traumatic or sad memories; they can also imprint a very vivid memory at an early age. All bets are off, is the point - you can't be sure whether he'll remember or not. What you can be sure of is what you do next. I agree with the PP who said turning it into an opportunity to show him he's safe and loved was the best possible thing.)