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Original poster

What have I just done. Worried I've given my child a horrible memory they'll never forget

102 replies

wtfhaveijustdone · 17/08/2023 20:09

My 4 year old can be hard work, he is an absolute sweetheart but knows how to push you. I'm so good at staying calm, my parents screamed and shouted at me and I always vowed never to do that. He was fighting me at bed time; had an answer for everything, wouldn't get in bed, my husbands away so I had to get the baby to bed first and he started screaming so loud I thought he was going to wake the baby up, he was lying on the floor kicking his legs and screaming while I tried to put his shorts on and when he started screaming I put my hand to his mouth and his shorts were in my hand and I covered his mouth with them, I didn't push down and it was only for a few seconds when I caught myself and realised what I was doing was essentially smothering him, my thought process was just blind panic cover the noise, not intending to smother, and like I said I didn't and didn't push down but I did cover his mouth with my hand with the shorts in. He said I scared him and that if I do that he won't be able to breathe. I've apologised loads, he apologised for kicking me. Cuddled up, asked for back tickles, had his stories and fell asleep but I feel sick to my stomach

Is he always going to remember that, is he going to think I tried to smother him, I have horrible memories of my parents being aggressive with me, I'm so upset with how it looks and what's happened. I feel like itll be a core memory. I hate myself right now Sad

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Yourebeingtooloud · 17/08/2023 21:15

He may or may not remember it. The bit you have control of now is how he remembers it, if he ends up doing so - as one isolated incident in an otherwise loving, nurturing, secure and positive childhood or as a semi-regular occurrence where an adult used physical force towards him.

FWIW I was smacked a couple of times as a child. I remember them because they were significant and unusual events in an otherwise deeply loving, secure and nurturing childhood. My parents apologised, I understood they regretted their action and - as an adult - can also understand how my behaviour at the time led to them feeling absolutely at the end of their tether! I’m really close to them as an adult and think nothing but positively about my childhood. This is a significant event but, actually, could be the making of you as a parent. We all get tested. None of us always respond perfectly. The important thing is we learn each time and do better the next time.

Tonightsthenight91 · 17/08/2023 21:15

You know what Op, they can be shits can children. You’re at your limit and you’ve harmlessly reacted. You’re just relating it to your own childhood trauma but he is - and will be - fine.

I say this as I’m currently battling my out of routine 3 year old for bedtime and I’ve screamed at her half an hour ago, which I never ever do but she has been a little so and so for a few days now. It’s shocked her, snapped her into reality, and she’s now cuddling in to me going asleep.

sometimes they just need telling! Give yourself a break

Lesina · 17/08/2023 21:16

Nell80 · 17/08/2023 20:16

Yes I expect he'll remember this. Have you done anything similar before?

Oh don’t be ridiculous.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

4 year olds Families General parenting
Yourebeingtooloud · 17/08/2023 21:20

Can I suggest reading How to talk so kids will listen (there is also a toddler / preschool version How to talk so little kids will listen). It has some great strategies and may give you the words that can help in a situation like this.

user76541055773 · 17/08/2023 21:20

Qilin · 17/08/2023 21:07

I'd say that someone using their hand to cover the mouth to stop noise is an instinctive move but that as adults we've learnt not to do so generally.

You see younger children do it to parents, to one another - and to themselves sometimes - to stop the person talking or shouting at them. I guess an example of this is when Prince Louis tries to cover Catherine's mouth at the jubilee celebrations that time. I teach and see children try this a lot.

Obviously as we get older we learn not to act instinctively most of the time. However, in a panic, sometimes instinct can take over - hence the few seconds it took for the op to process it and change her action.

The op had no intention of smothering her child from these actions, just trying to quieten the shouting. Obviously this isn't ideal and the op knows this already.

At that age most children won't remember particularly- not long term.

Show quote history

OP isn’t a child though. Adults have long since learned not to do this.

If one of the children you teach came to school tomorrow and said that their parent had held a pair of shorts over their mouth to the point they were worried they wouldn’t be able to breath, would you be explaining to the child that it’s instinctive for an adult to do that and so nothing to worry about, or would you be looking into it in case that parent needed some help?

MumoftwoGranofone · 17/08/2023 21:22

Yourebeingtooloud · 17/08/2023 21:15

He may or may not remember it. The bit you have control of now is how he remembers it, if he ends up doing so - as one isolated incident in an otherwise loving, nurturing, secure and positive childhood or as a semi-regular occurrence where an adult used physical force towards him.

FWIW I was smacked a couple of times as a child. I remember them because they were significant and unusual events in an otherwise deeply loving, secure and nurturing childhood. My parents apologised, I understood they regretted their action and - as an adult - can also understand how my behaviour at the time led to them feeling absolutely at the end of their tether! I’m really close to them as an adult and think nothing but positively about my childhood. This is a significant event but, actually, could be the making of you as a parent. We all get tested. None of us always respond perfectly. The important thing is we learn each time and do better the next time.

Absolutely this.

MrsMarzetti · 17/08/2023 21:22

It was an instinct and i am sure your son won't remember it at all.

Longagonow96 · 17/08/2023 21:23

Nell80 · 17/08/2023 20:16

Yes I expect he'll remember this. Have you done anything similar before?

Don't be ridiculous. And stop trying to paint OP as some evil abuser

JenWillsiam · 17/08/2023 21:23

wtfhaveijustdone · 17/08/2023 20:27

God no I would never intend to do anything to stop him breathing Jesus Christ Sad

I've never covered his mouth with my hand before now, it just sort of happened so quickly and I am totally thrown by it. I just know he'll remember. I have horrible memories of my dad so young. I don't want him to think of me like that.

It depends how this sits in the context of your wider relationship. I pushed my mum too far once. She bit me. I remember this. Because deep down then I knew I had gone too far. And as an adult I definitely know it. It is a story we tell over wine having a laugh at the time mum bit me.

BertieBotts · 17/08/2023 21:24

In terms of attachment research, it doesn't matter so much what you do on an individual event but what the overall pattern is. If you mess up, then apologise and acknowledge that it was not the kind of thing you intend to do, and it's a rare occasional event, no harm done. This is called "rupture and repair" and actually strengthens attachment as long as it doesn't happen too often. You don't need to overdo it and go into grovelling/overcompensation. Just letting your child know "That must have been scary, and it was wrong of me, I'm sorry." this is fine. It also models to them that when they do something that they know is hurtful, they can apologise.

A pattern of a parent regularly losing it and being scary or violent is damaging, no matter how they try to balance it, but a one off incident where you went too far and think no, that wasn't OK, what can I put in place to prevent that from happening again, (plus the repair/reassurance that you do love them) is normal, human, and not considered to be a major problem (in developmental research).

What I'd do to stop it from happening again is just walk away. Not to ignore them for hours but to give both me (and them) a chance to calm down before I went back in. Or tag out and let your partner go in if you have one.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 17/08/2023 21:28

Singleandproud · 17/08/2023 20:26

I remember my mum slapping me, it left a bright red handprint across the top of my thigh. However, I also remember I deserved it, I was being spiteful and I put freezing cold hands on her back which I knew she hated and she reacted by instinct. It only happened once and we laugh about it now, I was about 8, I think at four he is too young to remember it.

No, your mum was wrong, no child deserves a slap. Especially something as trivial as what you did. All children push parents buttons and say spiteful things. As adults we know it's just their emotions getting the better of them and we don't take it to heart. As adults we should be in control of our emotions, because we are not children and should have grown out of impulsive reactions like that. I would not be laughing at it now. My mum did similar, and we do occasionally talk about it when talking about children's behaviour. She can't believe she did such things now, but we both do agree that it was generally slightly more acceptable in those times (1970s). We certainly don't laugh about it though.

BelovedLucy · 17/08/2023 21:28

Have you read Philippa Perry’s book, op? I’d really recommend it, on the “rupture and repair” stuff @BertieBotts mentions above, and on how our children can trigger things in us based on our experiences as children.

curaçao · 17/08/2023 21:28

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2023 20:15

You did not try to smother him. You didn't even come close to smothering him. He was screaming blue murder, your brain couldn't handle it and you stopped the noise. Your son is fine. You giving him a shock is not all bad. He needs to work on his self control and learn that screaming isn't an acceptable way to deal with his anger and frustration.

i did cover his mouth with my hand with the shorts in. He said I scared him and that if I do that he won't be able to breathe.'
A lot of minimising going on.Tge kid literally said he was scared because he couldn't breathe.
I don't know if he will remember but repressed scary memories can be more harmful than things you do remember.

MumoftwoGranofone · 17/08/2023 21:28

BertieBotts · 17/08/2023 21:24

In terms of attachment research, it doesn't matter so much what you do on an individual event but what the overall pattern is. If you mess up, then apologise and acknowledge that it was not the kind of thing you intend to do, and it's a rare occasional event, no harm done. This is called "rupture and repair" and actually strengthens attachment as long as it doesn't happen too often. You don't need to overdo it and go into grovelling/overcompensation. Just letting your child know "That must have been scary, and it was wrong of me, I'm sorry." this is fine. It also models to them that when they do something that they know is hurtful, they can apologise.

A pattern of a parent regularly losing it and being scary or violent is damaging, no matter how they try to balance it, but a one off incident where you went too far and think no, that wasn't OK, what can I put in place to prevent that from happening again, (plus the repair/reassurance that you do love them) is normal, human, and not considered to be a major problem (in developmental research).

What I'd do to stop it from happening again is just walk away. Not to ignore them for hours but to give both me (and them) a chance to calm down before I went back in. Or tag out and let your partner go in if you have one.

Yes I agree and I’m also wondering if there is anyone who can support you while your husband is away?

Poudretteite · 17/08/2023 21:29

Nell80 · 17/08/2023 20:16

Yes I expect he'll remember this. Have you done anything similar before?

Biscuit
RojoCarlottaValdez · 17/08/2023 21:30

Aquamarine1029 · 17/08/2023 20:30

You are seriously overreacting. You barely touched him, and you certainly didn't strike him or suffocate him. The fright he got was probably from the look on your face because I'm sure you were at your limit. Which is totally understandable.

I agree!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 17/08/2023 21:32

OP, it's the intention that's the main factor here. If you wanted to break the cycle of his whingeing and in a playful way you put a hand over his mouth with a smile on your face and kissed his cheeks while you did it to kind of shock him out of it and make him laugh that's one thing. If you put something over his mouth out of anger and frustration that's another thing entirely.

Alargeoneplease89 · 17/08/2023 21:32

Nell80 · 17/08/2023 20:16

Yes I expect he'll remember this. Have you done anything similar before?

What Bullshit. My kids can't remember much before the age of 7 good or bad... putting your hand over someone's mouth isn't smothering.

Ps OP you've apologised, he has- don't beat yourself up and move on.

Poudretteite · 17/08/2023 21:32

OP, when my youngest was newborn she started crying in the night and I was utterly exhausted, and I remember clearly thinking 'I'm not going to get her, she's completely fine, I won't check her blankets/bedding.'

When I did get up 10 mins later somehow her cot sheet had come unstuck and was over her head.

I spent ages wondering if I'd secretly wished it to happen, due to having the thought but not getting up to check, and whether I was secretly a terrible mother.

It's normal to worry and blame ourselves but it's a nothing. Learn from it and move on.

StarDolphins · 17/08/2023 21:33

Nell80 · 17/08/2023 20:16

Yes I expect he'll remember this. Have you done anything similar before?

There’s something about this that makes me feel really uncomfortable. That’s an awful thing to ask/insinuate.

MotherOfCrocodiles · 17/08/2023 21:33

Oh OP I totally sympathise. My DS (4) can be like that, just so loud and not listening at all to what he is being told. When you have just got the baby to sleep and you can see they are going to wake them back up unless they stop the noise right now it is so frustrating. I find myself imagining how it would feel if we were hiding from the Nazis or something and his noise would get us all killed, for some reason the total lack of control a quite overwhelming

For what it's worth I think you were communicating to him that he needs to stop and putting your hand over his mouth is non verbal communication that may get through to a hysterical screeching preschooler. I don't think it's necessary wrong or violent (depending how it is done obviously)

OneFrenchEgg · 17/08/2023 21:35

I do worry that posters are very quick to reassure people about their behaviours - there was the baby falling and being investigated. I sometimes read these and wonder if people are practising back stories.
Op, covering your child's mouth with cloth is not ok. None of us are perfect, if this really is a one off focus on better ways to manage bedtime. You can't change what's happened.

MotherOfCrocodiles · 17/08/2023 21:36

Should add I have lost my shit with DS- properly shouted at him and shut him In his room. He was frightened and remembers. I know this because when my computer is In His way he looks pensive and says "we don't throw mummy's work laptop across the room". I think it is good that he know this.

chopc · 17/08/2023 21:43

Na - if your relationship is otherwise loving, your 4 year old won't remember this moment. My kids don't recall most of my horrible mistakes from their younger years and given they are mean teens they wouldn't be pretending not to remember to spare my feelings

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 17/08/2023 21:43

You did not nearly smother him @wtfhaveijustdone . You say you added no pressure and the shorts would be of thin fabric; smothering is a definite act and takes force. You were stopping the noise. You would have been at greater risk of shaking him or hitting him, if you were losing your temper. I would suggest that when/if this happens again, you walk away and leave him in his room to calm down. Yes, it would be crap if the baby woke, but not the end of the world, whereas you potentially hurting DS (you did not this time) to make him quiet would be.

It's good you recognised your limits, you did not hurt your son. Next time, remove yourself.