What have I just done. Worried I've given my child a horrible memory they'll never forget

[wtfhaveijustdone]

My 4 year old can be hard work, he is an absolute sweetheart but knows how to push you. I'm so good at staying calm, my parents screamed and shouted at me and I always vowed never to do that. He was fighting me at bed time; had an answer for everything, wouldn't get in bed, my husbands away so I had to get the baby to bed first and he started screaming so loud I thought he was going to wake the baby up, he was lying on the floor kicking his legs and screaming while I tried to put his shorts on and when he started screaming I put my hand to his mouth and his shorts were in my hand and I covered his mouth with them, I didn't push down and it was only for a few seconds when I caught myself and realised what I was doing was essentially smothering him, my thought process was just blind panic cover the noise, not intending to smother, and like I said I didn't and didn't push down but I did cover his mouth with my hand with the shorts in. He said I scared him and that if I do that he won't be able to breathe. I've apologised loads, he apologised for kicking me. Cuddled up, asked for back tickles, had his stories and fell asleep but I feel sick to my stomach

Is he always going to remember that, is he going to think I tried to smother him, I have horrible memories of my parents being aggressive with me, I'm so upset with how it looks and what's happened. I feel like itll be a core memory. I hate myself right now

It will never happen again.. I've definitely lost it and shouted before and apologised for it but I don't think I do it enough for him to remember me always shouting like I do about my parents. This is the first time it's gone beyond that. The only time I've ever hurt him is when he was kicking off and I left the room to calm down and closed the door and didn't notice he was coming out and hit him with the door and felt so guilty I burst into tears. I will never do anything to ever hurt him, but that's why I'm so upset because I can fully see why others and he could interpret it as a violent or aggressive act and the thought of him thinking his mummy would do that to him breaks my heart. I feel so shit I just want to go wake him up and assure him how much I love him but I obviously won't. You try so so hard to break the cycle and then fuck it up without even trying

’if this really is a one off’? Why the hell wouldn’t it be?! I is clearly upset & shocked. Awful.

Sadly, the reason people ask is that there are usually patterns to dangerous parenting. Often, genuine abuse is missed because people - including professionals - feel squeamish about asking these sorts of questions.

I don't know anything about the OP and have only sympathy for her based on what she says. But it is not awful for anyone to ask whether or not she sees a pattern in her behaviour. It's actually really important.

You'd be surprised how early some people remember. I have a core memory of crying and my dad looking at me, grabbing my face in his hand and just pushing me down and I fell on the floor. I spoke to my mum about it a few years ago and she said she thinks I was four or five.

Will your husband be back soon, op? Can you talk to him about it?

Don't focus on how upset you are. Try to put it to one side - especially the tiny bit of you that wants to wake him up.

What are you going to do tomorrow? Make a plan that is nice and calm and healthy, and concentrate on that. Then, make a plan for what you'll do next time you're in a similar situation.

if this really is a one off’? Why the hell wouldn’t it be?! I is clearly upset & shocked. Awful.

Awful? To be sceptical about some of the stuff on here? Ok then.

Your mum lost control. You may have pushed her buttons but she lost control and shouldn't have done that. I agree with how it sits in the context of the wider relationship though.

To be honest I do understand the people questioning it because I think I'd of been concerned to read about this which is why I'm so shaken up. I would of said this would be something I'd never do and I would of believed that.

Well said, @76541055773

I know I just need to walk away. I've learnt that with him, not through ever scaring him but by shouting in the past I've learnt he just closes down: when he's lost it I just need to say I love you and I'm here for you but I won't be screamed at/hurt/spoken to rudely and when you're ready to speak to me kindly and calmly then I am in this room and he will come to me when he's ready. It was just this sheer panic of the baby will wake up, who will need breastfeeding back to sleep, so I'd have to bring my 4 year old with me as he can't fall asleep independently he needs a cuddle and I can't bring them both in my bed as they wake each other up and he can't stay up even later whilst I re settle the baby cause he's so tired he's already lost it and just sheer panic, you know? But I've got a tiny baby and this situation could arise and I can't react like this and I do need to be able to handle the two kids I chose to have.

But thank you for all the comments even the tougher ones to read, it's true that I am the grown up here and my trauma can't come into it and I need to be able to handle myself. I will remember how disgusting I feel right now and just walk away if I'm ever out in the same position. The baby can be settled back to sleep but as said I can never un do this and this will be a night that I always remember even if he doesn't

Have you told your husband what you did?

I think you should maybe take it as a sign that you might have a bit much going on and need a bit of extra help. Do you have anyone you can talk to, and can your DH step up for a while?

OP isn’t a child though. Adults have long since learned not to do this.

As I also state in the third paragraph.

And of course, as a school, it would be followed up with the parent. However, in such an incident, as a one off event in the circumstances stated, nothing more would come of it at this point. It would be logged on SIMS along with the parent response but nothing more at that stage.

OP, you haven’t said anything about your partner, how long he’s away for, whether you could talk to him about what happened. It sounds as if maybe you could do with more support- being at home with a new baby and a 4yo is hard. Will he be back soon and will that make things easier for you?

Was your dad like that generally? Have you ever talked to a therapist about it?

@CurlyhairedAssassin whilst I agree with you and as an adult take responsibility for my emotions I disagree in the (1) instance I got slapped, it wasn't a punishment slap, it was a reactionary/instinctive one to move me away and stop me doing something horrible I was doing on purpose to get a reaction. I distinctly remember being quite a spiteful child particularly to my younger brother and winding people up, which isn't OK either.

A one off is far more likely yo be remembered than if it is a pattern of similar behaviour but either way at 4 it's likely OPs child is far too young to remember either way.

The minimising of this and other posts lately is really concerning. The worry and discussion on whether he’ll remember it? Even if he doesn’t, this isn’t ok. And no, we don’t all lose it and do things like this. I’m all for supporting parents, but this doesn’t mean we tell them this happens to us all and minimise it as within norms because it really isn’t.

You can’t possibly say you won’t do this again, you already can’t believe you have done it this time. What happens next time you find your child challenging, because they will be.

@SomewhereWithSomeone I think a lot of us have just been trying to get op to open up a bit about what’s going on, what support she has, whether she can tell her husband about what happened etc, as being perhaps a more effective option for helping her ensure nothing like this happens again, rather than just being critical of someone who is clearly desperate. I don’t think anyone (or hardly anyone) has said it’s ok.

Wow! Woeful misunderstanding of safeguarding children and lack of knowledge.

This should be 100% referred on for support and help not to be punitive for a parent who may be struggling.

Even if this is happening I don't think this is the place. This is a parenting support website. Parents should be able to reach out for support.

It is up to safeguarding agencies and social care services to determine whether children are in danger and protect them, not mumsnetters.

This is a totally understandable thought process/panic spiral.

The kind of thing that I find helps me not get frustrated/panicky in those situations is to think it through first: What's the worst thing that could happen? (In terms of e.g. a baby who just won't go to sleep and I'm going to get frustrated with them)

Then I think through what I could/would do in that scenario in advance so that I don't end up overwhelmed and lashing out. It's much easier to think of plans when you're calm and the situation isn't happening. Once you're in that situation most people enter fight or flight mode and then you're not able to think clearly.

Equally, people shouldn’t be falling over themselves to reassure the OP by minimising. It was a big incident and she is clearly aware of it, hence her posts and her emotions. Downplaying it doesn’t help anyone. It’s not helping or supporting the OP by brushing over it.