What have I just done. Worried I've given my child a horrible memory they'll never forget

[wtfhaveijustdone]

My 4 year old can be hard work, he is an absolute sweetheart but knows how to push you. I'm so good at staying calm, my parents screamed and shouted at me and I always vowed never to do that. He was fighting me at bed time; had an answer for everything, wouldn't get in bed, my husbands away so I had to get the baby to bed first and he started screaming so loud I thought he was going to wake the baby up, he was lying on the floor kicking his legs and screaming while I tried to put his shorts on and when he started screaming I put my hand to his mouth and his shorts were in my hand and I covered his mouth with them, I didn't push down and it was only for a few seconds when I caught myself and realised what I was doing was essentially smothering him, my thought process was just blind panic cover the noise, not intending to smother, and like I said I didn't and didn't push down but I did cover his mouth with my hand with the shorts in. He said I scared him and that if I do that he won't be able to breathe. I've apologised loads, he apologised for kicking me. Cuddled up, asked for back tickles, had his stories and fell asleep but I feel sick to my stomach

Is he always going to remember that, is he going to think I tried to smother him, I have horrible memories of my parents being aggressive with me, I'm so upset with how it looks and what's happened. I feel like itll be a core memory. I hate myself right now

Oh op I really feel for you. I know the exhaustion and relief finally getting a baby to sleep and the sheer panic if anything threatens to wake them.

I think you should get yourself a tea/coffee and sit down. You didn’t smother your ds, you didn’t have the intention to do that, you just needed him to be quiet x

The fact he was fine afterwards and cuddled in etc means it probably wasn’t as significant to him as you think. It sounds like you didn’t carry on being cross with him, and it blew over. The bad incidents I remember from my childhood are the extreme ones, where my parents anger was prolonged and there was no explanation or apology and it seemed unprovoked. I assume as an adult it’s because that left it unprocessed in my head. If you were sorry afterwards and it didn’t carry on even if he remembers later on it probably won’t be remembered in the huge way you feel it might be.

You just lost your shit for a minute OP, we all do. I consider myself a calm mum too, but we are all human, we all don't want to wake the baby. Having kids is tough sometimes. Why do you think my parents generation were all on the purple hearts etc? Have a glass of wine and relax, you sound like a good mum.

Did this some how spark a memory of something like this happening to you OP?

You didn't smother him, please don't think you did because you did not attempt to stop him breathing.

This.

What I found worked when my ds went through the "I'm not going to go stage" was ignore. I'd say time for bed, get PJs on and into bed for stories.

If he didn't I'd walk away and totally ignore his presence.

One night he stood in the lounge doorway for 2 hours looking at me. I was really unsure who would break first! He did.

He never did it again. He realised if he wanted my attention he needed to follow simple instructions.

I bet it's harder with a baby but I'd try the walking away and remaining away if he does it again. At his age he can get himself changed and into bed.

Surely the important thing isn't whether he'll remember it or not, but that you do something to stop this happening again right now. Therapy. Coping strategies. Making sure you're in the best place mentally and emotionally not to repeat your parents' mistakes.

He’ll be fine if you’re as good a mum as you sound like otherwise. Forget about it.

I have just bookmarked this approach for emergency situations in a few years time. Thankyou @itsgettingweird

Agreed a quick shock probably did him some good. Stop beating yourself up OP

They are born and assume you love them. However you treat them is what they will think love is. They won't remember the details necessarily but they will learn what "love" is.

I think ignoring a child for two hours (!) like that is abusive.

"Emergency".

Obviously last case scenario

There is a chance he will remember all or part of it. More imminent, there is also a chance he will tell others about it, and it really doesn't sound great

The only thing you can do is learn from it.

In the morning apologise to him (even if you already have, do it again). Tell him what you did is not acceptable, that you're sorry and that you'll never do anything like it again.

You sound like a good mum that did something awful in a bad moment.

Forgive yourself and move on.

It'd still be abusive if it were an emergency.

But a child wanting your attention at bedtime, and not following instructions, isn't an emergency. An emergency is your house burning down.

I remember incidents like this from younger ages than that.

Masochistic wallowing might assuage your feelings of guilt but it won't actually help the situation. Look at what happened, why and how you lost your temper and think of coping mechanisms for next time to stop everything escalating to the point where you do something like this.

Changing your way of handling this is more important than whether or not your son will remember it (because he sure as fuck will if you don't learn from it and make changes, because then you'll just keep doing it) or whether you flagellate yourself to your own satisfaction. Don't make this all about masochistic self-torment. Make it about practical self-improvement so it actually does some good.

The fact you are feeling so so guilty about this shows you are a good parent. You are human. Children however lovely are hard hard work. Say you are sorry to him, say that you messed up and were wrong. Hes a loved child. He will get over this you just need to explain. No one is perfect. Please stop crucifying yourself.

so long was it never happens again it won’t impact him long term even if he does remember it.

he’s probably pushing boundaries and wants attention. Baby got out to bed first, he’s being told he needs to be quiet because of baby and being put to bed. I would suggest maybe a little time with him before getting him ready for bed once baby is asleep. Just a cuddle up on the sofa, talk about how he’s feeling how his day was, then get ready for bed so he has some one to one time.

Try to find a balance between permissive and aggressive, I'd say.

Okay

I'd say that someone using their hand to cover the mouth to stop noise is an instinctive move but that as adults we've learnt not to do so generally.

You see younger children do it to parents, to one another - and to themselves sometimes - to stop the person talking or shouting at them. I guess an example of this is when Prince Louis tries to cover Catherine's mouth at the jubilee celebrations that time. I teach and see children try this a lot.

Obviously as we get older we learn not to act instinctively most of the time. However, in a panic, sometimes instinct can take over - hence the few seconds it took for the op to process it and change her action.

The op had no intention of smothering her child from these actions, just trying to quieten the shouting. Obviously this isn't ideal and the op knows this already.

At that age most children won't remember particularly- not long term.

Actually, in your position I would happily defend this if he remembers it. You remember it- he was screaming deliberately because you weren’t being quick enough to bow to his whims. He was risking waking the baby, and until he was stopped he was ready to carry on.
If you believed in slapping that behaviour would definitely qualify.

It would be a miserable bedtime from me until he learned not to mess it up.

I also think this is spot on. X

A one off, and he's gone to bed afterwards feeling safe and loved. I don't think he'll remember it, but if he does, he'll remember that your put your hand on his mouth because he was being noisy 🤷‍♀️