Do you Judge a person by the size of their house?

[Jazzhands7]

My kids friend got picked up by her friend’s Mum after coming over after school. She’d never been to our house before but we’d had pleasant conversations on the phone and at school.

However, when she picked her daughter up she looked absolutely disgusted at the size of our house. That’s the only thing I can think of? I keep my house insanely clean and well kept.

Our yard is a bit messy but that’s because it’s going to be levelled soon and new landscaping put in.

If you are a person that judges someone on the size of their house what is going through your head because I genuinely don’t understand it?

Needless to say I think my child has lost a friend because of it which I find really sad.

Do you know where she lives? How do you know she doesn’t live in a smaller house or a dirty house?

I'm not sneering at anyone. Just stating that if I see a house packed with books, I assume that the person who owns it will be my kind of person. I'm thinking more about houses which are properly inhabited by books, than about there being X number of bookshelves.

By the same token, I'd think that a house that was super-clean and tidy and had grey decor and matchy-matchy things wasn't my kind of person.

We make these judgements all the time.

Needless to say I think my child has lost a friend because of it which I find really sad.

This is a way over the top conclusion to jump to. Do you really think your children won't be friends anymore because this lady was disgusted by how small/big your house was? Which is also really unlikely by the way, no one really cares about the size of your house and they definitely won't find the size disgusting.

Is it possible you have a complex over the size of it and you're projecting your feelings on to her?

I think you do. But “we”don’t. When I’m in someone’s house. Generally I already know them to an extent, and I go by their conversation, kindness, values etc. I do not decide if they are my type of person based on their interior decor.

It's just that this is a weird one in this day and age - it's like saying you judge someone based on their DVD collection, when they will only tell you what they were watching years ago. If you want to know what they watch now you'd need access to their Netflix and Prime accounts.

I'm not a big reader but DH is - couldn't tell you the last time I saw him with a physical book, he usually just uses his phone or Kindle.

When I’m in someone’s house. Generally I already know them to an extent, and I go by their conversation, kindness, values etc. I do not decide if they are my type of person based on their interior decor.

Exactly. Same here.

Do you have "live, laugh, love" or some other bollocks written on your wall?

I'd judge that way more than size of house (my house is tiny and slogan free)!

I think people do judge - if they are not nice people and wealth etc is important to them. Not sure why the answers to date are refusing to contemplate a world where not everyone is lovely and without judgement.

Not sure why the answers to date are refusing to contemplate a world where not everyone is lovely and without judgement.

In my case probably because I just don't mix with nasty, judgemental people and genuinely don't know any. Either that or anyone who comes to my house is far too polite to say anything or give the impression that they find my house distasteful.

I think you aren’t so much jumping as pole-vaulting to conclusions, and tbh it sounds like you might be insecure about your house/how it reflects on you.

I certainly would not judge people on the size of their house. It is totally irrelevant to the person's personality and how they live their life and bring up their children. We live in a smaller house by choice, only have 1 child so why create further expense? Being a supportive parent and role model are far more impressive life skills than how big your house is. OP gnore this woman she is a waste of your time and energy.

Nobody does this surely, I live in a 10,000 sq ft house and all I would think is how lovely it must be to live in something manageable and not freezing cold!

Mine looks like one from the front but has 3. I love it!

Same and I have a lot on kindle.

Well, I don’t do this either. Someone’s income is to me pretty much the least interesting thing about them. But certainly when I went from London to live in a midlands village, I only retrospectively understood what was (to me) a weird interest from neighbours and women I met at the local baby group in exactly which house I lived in, and in being invited inside. I think they were trying to ‘place’ us socially, as we didn’t fit — foreign, I was a working mother in a place where that was unusual, I cycled everywhere, etc. It was that kind of place. (We left — it was ghastly.)

I see some of that on here on Mn. ‘Detached 4-bed with a big garden’, along with car types and whatever number of foreign holidays per annum, seems to function as a common touchstone for the summit of social aspiration, and there are endless threads asking people how much they earn at what age, or if they live in a home bigger or smaller than the one they grew up in. I assume people who ‘judge’ other people’s houses are essentially doing that kind of mental calculation.

It’s not an activity I would expect from friends, though. In one of my friendship groups (DS’s friends’ parents, children met at a very socially mixed inner city school), there’s a huge disparity of house types, from a beautiful 18thc small manor in the country, with an avenue and stable block, to a tiny 1950s terrace. I adore these people, and all their houses, because they all say things about the people who live in them, and because we’ve had such good times in them.

Every single thread like this always has to have a person come on and try to sound intelligent by saying they judge on the number of books on display. It’s on the house judgment bingo card.

We actually have a library. You’d never see it though since it’s on the first floor.

If you felt that's what she was thinking, it likely was OP.

But everyone judges everyone on everything!!!

I hope she doesn't say her DD and your DD can't be friends, but I have known shallow people to do this.

Personally I couldn't give a toss about how big someone's house is. I might worry about the safety of a location, but I'm more interested in their values - spent too long in my field, lol!

Stuff is what gathers dust in your home. Heart is where our value is. Lead with your heart x

It’s smell or decor. Does it stink of cleaning chemicals? Is insanely clean also insanely bare? Or have you gone with an interior design trend energetically? Is the room stuffed with furniture or some weird collection?

Do you by any chance have those plug in air fresheners, or use anything else to give a fragrance to your house?

This sounds like it could be likely. I don't judge people who have them, but I would look a bit disgusted as they make me feel ill and I'm not very good at covering it up.

Ah, performative book ownership.

I keep all my books in my office. I'm actually glad that this might weed out faux intellectuals who view books as status symbols.

And every single thread like that has multiple ‘Gotcha!’ posts like this one, whether they involve kindles, secret book cupboards, books living upstairs/in a separate temperature-controlled annexe/ in a storage box under the bed.

I think it misses the point, anyway, which is that while, in an apparently book-free house, a bookish visitor and their host might initially miss out on realising they share an obsession with Henry James or collecting Angela Brazil first editions, but, if you actually talk to one another, all will become clear…

I’m not sure that’s what’s happening. It just seems to be that the OP has jumped to massive conclusions based on pretty much nothing.

LOL same. No bookcases, no art on the walls - tells you a lot.

Yes, it says more about you than the person you are judging.