I smacked my child tonight 😫

[Squiffy01]

I’m sitting here an absolute mess cause I smacked my 4 year old tonight.
they had been calm and mostly lovely all day and then this evening lost the plot and we had around an hour and a half of them kicking, hitting, spitting shouting and throwing things at me or his dad. He gave me a blood lip with one of the hits to my face which made him pause and give me a cuddle and I thought it was done but then he started up again.

I feel so bad. I’ve been telling him for 2 years we don’t use hitting hands be kind a gentle and then I’ve smacked him. I didn’t mean to it was more of a reflex after another kick in chest.

no one told me parenting was going to be this hard.

I don’t know how to parent him. Nothing works.

Don't feel bad.
You were being attacked and pushed to your limits. It was a reflex.
You say you've been telling him 'gentle hands' etc for years but that clearly hasn't worked anyway!

Have you had any help with him/on the pathway for investigating extra needs?

OP it sounds like you’ve had an horrendous day. Let DH take him for a bit while you have time to breathe and reflect. You’re right parenting is awful at times but be kind to yourself. Learn from it and move on.

You were pushed to your limit and these things happen. You won’t be the first or last, please don’t be too hard on yourself. I agree with PP though, if his outbursts are regularly like this, are you getting any support with this?

4 is a really hard age, and it sounds like you've had a difficult evening. Poor you xx

It was the wrong thing to do and was a bad example in the moment, but it will only continue to be a bad example if it goes unmentioned. Wait until you're both calm, maybe tomorrow, and talk to him about it. Tell him you did the wrong thing because you were frustrated, and while it's OK to feel frustrated it's never OK to hit.

Nobody is perfect all the time, and you clearly feel terrible. Can your partner take over for the rest of the evening? Give yourself a break, just make sure you debrief with your son, it should make you both feel better

We all have moments we regret, it doesn't define you.

@crostini nursery have not been helpful in the slightest. They have spent the last year and a bit saying he is great and perfectly fine there yet slowly as we come to the end of the year they are saying more and more things that make me think he play up a lot more there than they have let on. I don’t think he has the full blown hour plus violent meltdowns there but other more low key generally annoying disruptive stuff that they can’t stop and don’t know how to deal with.

he has had a few sessions of play therapy I’m just not sure that’s what he needs. But I don’t know what he needs.

trouble is no professional is every going to see what he is actually like cause he is clever and articulate and can be so lovely and normal for want of a better word that I do think we are going to spend so much money seeing different people and getting nowhere.

Film some episodes, without toddler realising, then the professional will see the real behaviour

Don't feel too bad, sounds horrendous!

I agree the behaviour sounds very challenging however it is never ok to smack your child, this is coming from a social worker, if you have gotten to this point you have lost control. Your actions could trigger a child protection process as smacking your child is physical abuse.

I am not saying this to scare you but to make you realise that something has to change before another serious incident happens and this becomes your response. Your childs behaviour sounds outside what would be considered typical and I would speak to your GP about a referral for an assessment. Speak to the nursery how do they manage his behaviour? Look at Janet Lansburys techniques. Telling him not to use hitting hands obviously isn't working and you have shown him through your own actions that it is ok to hit out when angry.

I hope this is the turning point for your family

Eh???

I have a violent child, he is 4.5, non verbal autistic. You need to develop mechanisms to manage your reaction. Trust me I know what it feels like to want to lash out yourself. If he is being violent you need to create physical distance, a safe environment for him to decompress. And you need to focus on breathing techniques for yourself to activate your parasympathetic nervous system.

Just go easy on yourself and don’t punish yourself. Tbh in the same situation if Id had my buttons pushed that hard for that long I’d probably have done the same

I would and have done exactly the same. Don't feel bad and don't beat yourself up.

I agree the behaviour sounds very challenging however it is never ok to smack your child, this is coming from a social worker, if you have gotten to this point you have lost control. Your actions could trigger a child protection process as smacking your child is physical abuse.

Give over, she smacked her child when they were being a pain in the arse and she lost her temper. Child protection? Is that the same child protection/social workers who have allowed so many babies and children to die at the hands of their step/parents recently despite previous abuse?

Yes, there are so many violent parents who murder their children out there we can't keep up, especially with the current system.

Many children have been saved thanks to social workers and all it takes is a child to speak up about being hit once for the process to start luckily.

Funny how you say this yet think it's acceptable for this parent to physically hit their child? They are the adult in this situation

Bullshit. The OP should feel bad. She hit her child.
She shouldn't forever beat herself up but she did something pretty awful and the way we learn to improve is by feeling the effects of our actions.

Of course you won't be first or last to do it, but that doesn't make it ok and of course you should feel bad, it's not ok to hit your child....but it's done now and the important thing is trying to put things in place so it doesn't happen again, removing yourself from the situation.

I can remember being smacked a few times as a child. It is not a traumatic memory, it was only when I had been absolutely dreadfully behaved and done something dangerous or hurtful to someone else after many warnings. Please try not to worry too much OP.

You were pushed to your limit. I would film the behaviour and go from there as pp suggest.

“I agree the behaviour sounds very challenging however it is never ok to smack your child, this is coming from a social worker, if you have gotten to this point you have lost control. Your actions could trigger a child protection process as smacking your child is physical abuse. “ - oh please. 🙄with the SS epic, spectacularly epic failings I would just shush.

He is 4
You are 3x his size
Behaviour is communication
What is he communicatibg?
Hsve you looked at physicsl issues constipation ears eyes stomach?
Why is he in play therapy ? What s the issue

Just warning OP that while smacking wasn't a big deal to most growing up 30 years ago things have changed and it is very serious and she needs to be aware of that

The entire SS system is a disgrace thanks to our current government, do not blame individual social workers who are working in the current system with a massive caseload and no resources. Any child death is on the governments hands

I’ve smacked in the heat of the moment. Regretted it but nothing you can do.
for what it’s worth, I was smacked as a child, it never crosses my mind. My parents also loved me to bits!