I smacked my child tonight 😫

[Squiffy01]

I’m sitting here an absolute mess cause I smacked my 4 year old tonight.
they had been calm and mostly lovely all day and then this evening lost the plot and we had around an hour and a half of them kicking, hitting, spitting shouting and throwing things at me or his dad. He gave me a blood lip with one of the hits to my face which made him pause and give me a cuddle and I thought it was done but then he started up again.

I feel so bad. I’ve been telling him for 2 years we don’t use hitting hands be kind a gentle and then I’ve smacked him. I didn’t mean to it was more of a reflex after another kick in chest.

no one told me parenting was going to be this hard.

I don’t know how to parent him. Nothing works.

Sadly, I agree with you Kentucky

As a side issue -and at the risk of hijacking- can I just ask: why do people sometimes feel the need to share their profession on a thread like this? In some regards I get the relevance, but largely I don't as I think it's misused in order to seemingly give a poster more clout than the next one?! (ie I'm a social worker/I'm a psychologist therefore I'm qualified and know more than you!)

I can't remember the last time I said I have a Bsc Hons in Biochemisty and a postgrad in Public Health (apart from just now that is...)

@Tryingoworkitout79 Exactly. I have psychology qualifications too (and I'm only saying that in relation to others saying it) in addition to 19 years parenting experience and I disagree with the other psychologist and @Kadyrose

Well you sound more qualified Kentucky (as we've been drawn down that road!!)

Or a better way of putting it is equally qualified. As is everyone posting on this thread essentially (whether they're a social worker or not!). Hope you're okay OP.

OP, can you describe a bit more about your son's behaviour profile and any patterns you've noticed, in case we can give specific ideas to try?

If you track back to the moments before he became distressed, what was happening for him and around him? Was there any particular trigger, however small, eg turning TV off or saying it was bath time?

You could try keeping a diary, scribble down after each difficult moment where you were, what was happening around him, what his behaviour was and what you did in response. This can be really helpful for looking back and spotting subtle patterns.

Ignore the nursery staff's pendulum swings in opinions. Nursery swore absolutely blind my DS was fine and it was all on my head, then he got to Reception and fell apart and was diagnosed autistic.

What kind of professional was it who you got to observe him at nursery, was it an OT or a SaLT?

Do you or your partner have any neurodiversity in your families, either diagnosed or suspected?

You've had lots of comments/judgements/advice on the smack so I'm going to ignore that and talk about what I do when my dd tantrums.

She has mega tantrums that used to go on for hours but we've found something that works. It may not work for you but who knows.

We ask her if she'd like a hug, she normally just screams "no" and continues thrashing about.
I say "I'm here when you need me" and then I just carry on about my day. I stay in the room or nip to the kitchen and back but just busy myself with chores and let her self regulate (obviously making sure she's safe).
When she starts to calm, I ask again if she'd like a hug and she usually goes for it. We then just sit together and cuddle. I don't talk as that sets her off again.

I used to try sitting with her and talking to her but I also got punched/kicked/spat at.

I am dead against smacking children, I think it's abusive and never ever the right method of discipline. It also teaches them that when you're angry you can resort to violence which is obviously the opposite of what you're trying to teach.

However op, not judging you, you sound so worn down, I really feel for you. It sounds tough. You're not a bad parent at all, you lost control for a split second and you regret it. Pick yourself up, wipe the slate clean, apologise to your child and explain you shouldn't have hit him and then move on. Don't keep beating yourself up, just get whatever help and support you can. You've had some really good suggestions here and hopefully his school will be supportive to you both when he starts in September.

@SparkyCircle I can’t for the life of me remember what set him off to start with yesterday. I remember thinking he had a nice calm day still with a decent amount of incidents but not huge ones.
Every time he is asked not to do something he shouts at you that you are stupid and rude. And starts to kick or hit. For example on the train yesterday I asked him to stop tickling me as I wasn’t finding it funny right now spat at me kicked me. I told him not to kick me that’s not ok spits at me and calls me stupid.
later on same journey is is trying to lay down in the seat and pushing his head into his friend who doesn’t like it I asked him to stop he shouted at me and spat at me. Rather than making things 100 times worse and moving him away we moved her (and she is younger and knew she wouldnt mind at all) he kicked me 5 or 6 times for doing that when told to stop or we would move to another part of train he spat at me and then was quiet for the rest of the journey.

He had a really calm afternoon playing with two friends at our house was surprised at how lovely he was. Was good with them leaving which is normally a melt down. He was playing I was finishing getting dinner ready. He came over and poked me in the bum (which he knows I hate and I ask him constantly not to do) I told him to stop reminded him I don’t like it and he hit me again and again. If I move away he follows me if I hold his arms he starts kicking me if I hold legs and arms he tries to head butt me and it just makes him angrier so stopped trying to ‘hug’ him to stop. He gets put in his room and he comes straight back out in more of a rage (that used to work putting him there to calm down was calm in a couple of minutes now just makes him worse).

He struggles with transitions and no amount of timers, 5 minute warnings, reminding its last play etc help.

nothing is consistent with him though sometimes literally everything sets him off other times something I’m sure will cause a meltdown it just deals with really well.

Child & Adolescent Psychotherapist was the person who observed him a different one to the one he has had a few sessions with.

he has two cousins with ADHD both medicated. Another one with anxiety medicated. One aunty is not diagnosed but is very awkward socially picks up on 0 social cues etc.

That's interesting, when I read your first post my thought was "ADHD possibly?" with that real lack of impulse control plus need for input through sensory seeking behaviour.

However it does also sound like your son may have high anxiety, as that is commonly expressed as anger and aggression, particularly towards parents with whom children feel safest. It's so hard being on the end of this, I do know. You must be worn out with being alert for when it's coming next.

ADHD and Autism very commonly co-exist, so it's interesting too that one Aunty may have autistic traits (from your description).

I hear you about the transitions, and having tried lots of different strategies to help. Also end of play date meltdowns.

With the train, where were you going? Was it a special occasion or a routine journey?

My DC are both autistic but with different profiles within that. My DD has incredibly high anxiety which can be masked to an astonishing extent in public before exploding at home in very distressed ways. One of the things that sends my DD into a blind panic is going to new places that she cannot visualise. We now show her photos or videos in advance of a new environment and it helps loads. On the days when she is resistant to looking but we know it would help her, I do a "muttering aloud to myself" version where I sit near her with my phone and say quietly "Hmm, I don't think I've been to this soft play centre before, I wonder what it looks like. Maybe I could Google it. Oh yes, there's the entrance, and that must be the cafe. (Casually put phone down on table so she can glance at it if she wants to). I wonder how we'll get there, oh yes we need to get the train, what does that look like ..."

With the aggressive behaviours, you may have tried this already but in case not, the following has been helpful for us:

As soon as DS pokes you the first time, immediately give him 100% of your attention. Stop cooking, turn off stove, get down on his level and use a calm, slow voice. Narrate aloud. "I can see you need something right now. I wonder what that could be ... I'd like to help you feel better."

Don't try to guess or get him to articulate, he probably won't be able to, but you're modelling aloud for him a process of noticing his dysregulation and trying to think through what he needs, over time (time!) he may pick it up for himself.

Don't make too much eye contact, stay facing him but eyes slightly down and just glance at his eyes every now and then to check in.

If he immediately hits or pokes you again, keep slowly and neutrally narrating "You hit me again, I think you need to hit right now. And I need to keep myself safe, I don't like being hurt. So how can we look after both of us? Hmm ... (pauses help, assuming he's not in full-on blind aggression). Can we find something to hit that's safe? (Go to the sofa and model punching some cushions, don't tell him to do it too, let it be his choice if he initiates trying it.) "

There are lots of other things you can try in the early stages of aggression once you know your child's sensory profile. My DS responds v well to mini trampoline with loud music on repeat. My DD likes being wrapped in a blanket and bounced on my lap while I sit in therapy ball. Or she likes throwing things hard so we have a basket of soft items she can throw, and beanbags she can throw herself around on.

Basically, in the approach above you're not responding with the classic firm boundaries approach, because you've tried it and it's not meeting the need, so it's not a need for boundaries he's demonstrating but for something else, and your quest now is to understand what the unmet needs are (and that might change from situation to situation).

I would also highly recommend, if you can, that you and your partner set up a "tag" system so that as soon as your DS initiates the other adult comes to check in with the adult who's getting the difficult behaviour. As adults you can request to tag in and out whenever you need, as soon as you feel you're escalating yourself and can't cope. This was a lifesaver for us in the earlier days. It's not an issue of toughing it out, but of keeping your own nervous systems as calm as possible as this will help your child co-regulate.

Kids today are rude and unruly not all but a lot are. The disapline procedures that are in place did not exist in the 90s. A lot of kids have got SEN/ADHD and all the rest. Some kids are harder than others to manager by a lot. I don't remember any naught kids in my primary school..... and definitely not like today's kids. There's something to be said... as for the people claiming they are tramatised for the occasional smack come off of it! There's a huge difference between your mother loosing her rag occasionally when you were really being naughty and there is having an abusive parent. It's not the same hence several posters @ the social worker on here.... if that's what judgement she holds in her job she must be removing a lot of kids!!

@SparkyCircle I have wondered about anxiety before. He has had some big obsessive fears before which now I think about it we don’t have a major one at the moment. But they last for a while then change to something else. But while we are in that fear for example fire was the last big one. No books can be read with fire (like zog cause be breaths fire), he didn’t want to leave the house incase it caught fire when we were out, would freak out when I was using the hob, didn’t sleep well for months but eventually that went away. Will still occasionally ask a lot of questions about it but it’s not an issue.

hates strong smells. Getting very fussy with food. He has always been an amazing eater apart from fruit which he has always been fussy on. He is still fairly decent at home with my cooking but when away he barely eats even pizza cause it doesn’t taste the same.

yesterday we just went to a different playground. We often do an adventure with a friend on a Monday generally somewhere like different playgrounds, soft play, museums. He is always very excited to go and explore. So haven’t noticed that new situations set him off particularly it can be whenever and whenever but he is generally at his worst at home.

i am exhausted yes. I am less on alert than I was as he has improved from his worst. His violence did go towards other children for a while, has pushed someone down the stairs and lashed out at random children in soft play so I was always on edge and watching him like a hawk. I trust him more in those sorts of situations now.

My DD has obsessive fears too that can shift every few months. Fire has been a recurring theme for her too, at times she's weeping with fear and picking tiny scraps of paper off the floor in case they catch fire.

Have you read up at all about a PDA profile of autism? Have a look at the PDA Society website. It's worth having on your radar as PDA is anxiety based and the strategies used are different from mainstream autism strategies. Often parents look at the description of PDA and have a "lightbulb" moment of recognising their child in the description, but not always. ADHD is often co-occurring with PDA.

@SparkyCircle haven’t read about that at all. Will do some reading.

thank you.

I wasn't judging the op, not sure why you quoted my post. I will never agree that smacking is a good form of discipline and nothing will change my mind on that. My six year old is polite, and has never ever been aggressive to anyone, feedback from his teachers has always been about his polite manner and good behaviour. I use what people would call gentle parenting, I very rarely even raise my voice. Why do I feel judged for that sometimes, when it works? It works for me anyway.

Sorry just reading this and commenting ...in the exact same boat with my 3 year old and im exhausted from it :/. The biting/aggressive behaviour have been going on for 18months and nothing has worked. Did you find a way out?! X

It was a reflex. My husband was tickling me last week and I accidentally hit him in the face (was trying to push away what I thought was his tummy)!