I smacked my child tonight 😫

[Squiffy01]

I’m sitting here an absolute mess cause I smacked my 4 year old tonight.
they had been calm and mostly lovely all day and then this evening lost the plot and we had around an hour and a half of them kicking, hitting, spitting shouting and throwing things at me or his dad. He gave me a blood lip with one of the hits to my face which made him pause and give me a cuddle and I thought it was done but then he started up again.

I feel so bad. I’ve been telling him for 2 years we don’t use hitting hands be kind a gentle and then I’ve smacked him. I didn’t mean to it was more of a reflex after another kick in chest.

no one told me parenting was going to be this hard.

I don’t know how to parent him. Nothing works.

Why is the only deterrent smacking them?

I didnt say it was acceptable. I said that its not abusive, given the OPs circumstances as set out

If this was happening several times a day, yes, there would be harmful parenting taking place and that would be of greater concern

OP has reached the end of her tether as a one off, regretted it and needs help. That is early help threshold level, or at most CHIN, not CP

As I've explained social services have a different threshold, not sure what area you work in but it's different where I work. We would send the information to the Police, they interview the child jointly with social services and together make a decision whether to pursue it further. The parent will also be interviewed. The Police would likely close as there isn't enough evidence to prosecute but social services would continue their involvement

A child protection case conference would still need to be held- child may not be out on the register but a multi disciplinary meeting would be held to assess the situation

This type of response really grates on me. I was smacked as a child and guess what? I wasn’t ok.

OP look up a parenting course. I did one and it was a game changer. Loads of different techniques. Not all worked but some have. I also built a network of parents going through similar and we are still in touch and regularly share the stuff that works as the children get older.

I chair strats and hold several a week.

The police would not interview the child unless they felt an assault had taken place. On the information given, the threshold would ot be met for that (even if the police agreed to hold a strat in the first place)

SS intervention may certainly continue, I didnt say it wouldnt, but I made clear that it would likely be at a CHIN level or dropped down to early help.

@Kadyrose Why would you get involved for a one off if it's not actually against the law?

A conference would only be held if the outcome from the strat was

a) to open a S47, and then
b) the conclusion at the outcome strat was for a CP conference to be held

If

a) no strat was held at at all, neither of these options would happen
b) a strat was held but shut down at the intial strat, neither of these options would happen

Perhaps you need to re look at your procedures

(assuming you practice in England)

It was probably an instinctive reflex, if you’re being attacked by anyone adult or child to point your lip is split, they’re kicking you in the chest and spitting on you then I think a reactionary smack isn’t that hard to understand.

@MammaGina i have done a parenting course and all they come up with were things I have tried and didn’t work or as I said before worked for a bit then stopped.

I’ve also worked in childcare for over 15 years have been a SAHM for the last 4 since having mine so know a lot of different strategies but nothing seems to works for him.

im at a complete loss on how to deal with him and help him calm down.

“Any child death is on the governments hands.” Well that escalated quickly… I don’t think I could pass the buck so fast!

In that case I very gently suggest investigating a possible SEN diagnosis.
Is your child starting school in September? What’s their SENCO like?

FWIW my child’s nursery said he was fine. Just a typical little boy. I think they even used the word spirited. It wasn’t until he started school that the contrast against a larger peer group became so apparent. His behaviour had always been difficult at home but in the school environment he lost the ability to mask during those longer hours and we were quickly put on the waiting list for assessment.

@bellac11 thank you. Yes I am open to any and all help but not sure where to start.

@Kadyrose So you would go in all guns blazing if a child told you that they had been hit? Would you not consider the child could be lying or could have been manipulated to say that? I don't think you can just assume it's true.

If you're on Instagram there's a page called big little feelings. They have a parenting course 'winning the toddler years' . It's brilliant. About £80. Do it and you won't look back

@MammaGina yes he starts school in September. I had a chat with a teacher there about some of my concerns and she said they would keep an eye on things and could get SENCO people involved quite early if needed. And have heard good things from other parents.

nursery have stuck to he is great and lovely he just has a few quirks until the last month. One chat the manager said they are leaner towards Asperger’s, then two days later they didn’t think that anymore and went back to all was normal.
I’m so cross with them that they haven’t talked to me more about it before now especially when I flagged it with them.

There is definitely something going on I just don’t know what. And I need to as I can’t help him and make things easier for him (and me) if I don’t know what it is.

Let’s be honest, the only time social workers mention their jobs when they write a reply is when they’re looking down from their high horse. They say “I’m a social worker” as if this automatically makes their opinions say so outside of work. Massive superiority complex some of them have

Follow your instincts OP. You know your child better than anyone. It's easy when they're young for people to dismiss their behaviour but you're clear that you know this isn't right.
I KNEW my DD was different very early on. Could see it with my own eyes.
You will have to push through and stick to your guns. I know a lot of people have a poor experience of CAHMS but after DD's school referred her we haven't looked back. She takes ADHD medication and it makes a massive difference.

@L1342 Absolutely! Not all (as evidenced on here) but every social worker I have dealt with has been rude, patronising with zero parenting experience, yet feel they can tell others how to parent.

I feel like we are in a similar situation, I do think at this age it is so hard to determine just big feelings or something else. My child is also 4 and is due to start school in September, up until 2 months ago their preschool couldn’t speak highly enough of them , now it’s a daily incident, not listening, being disruptive, they have been violent only once at preschool but frequently at home, generally towards me, preschool have been between ‘out growing preschool’ or something else, My heart goes out to you. It’s so difficult not to lash out in the moment, everyone is human and makes mistakes, if you didn’t didn’t feel bad about it, maybe then it would be a problem

My "lovely, just a few quirks" at nursery DC was also explosive at home although tended to throw rather than hit, and now has an autism diagnosis. It is definitely worth pursuing and at pre school age you may be able to do it through the health visitor still.

Even post diagnosis we had "fine at school" when we were asking for an EHCP until we put in the process to get one ourselves, at which point it turned out that DC was very much not fine at school. They are now thriving and the violent hours-long meltdowns are very rare but it has taken persistence to get here.

If I could go back in time and give myself advice I would tell myself to stop waiting for professionals to see (or admit they see) what I can see and get the ball rolling myself.

I would refer yourself into early help and take it from there. You need some different strategies but also someone to help you determine how consistent or otherwise you're being with the ones you're trying, sometimes people try a load of different methods and strategies and sort of overwhelm themselves and the child with a lot of different things going on

I agree. I knew a social worker socially who once in a disagreement with someone else said “Do you know I’m a social worker?” As a threat! Never looked at her the same again. They have some idea of their own authority and just lose all empathy. Don’t get me started on the child free parenting experts! From social workers to child minders to nannies, those without kids usually know best apparently!!!

Please don't feel bad. You were pushed to your limit. Any parent would react like that x

I saw something that said 'when children make mistakes we say things like awww it's ok' but when adults do we punish ourselves for it.
We are learning too so don't be hard on yourself!

Only good mums feel bad and honestly a slap on the bum will do him no harm x