I smacked my child tonight 😫

[Squiffy01]

I’m sitting here an absolute mess cause I smacked my 4 year old tonight.
they had been calm and mostly lovely all day and then this evening lost the plot and we had around an hour and a half of them kicking, hitting, spitting shouting and throwing things at me or his dad. He gave me a blood lip with one of the hits to my face which made him pause and give me a cuddle and I thought it was done but then he started up again.

I feel so bad. I’ve been telling him for 2 years we don’t use hitting hands be kind a gentle and then I’ve smacked him. I didn’t mean to it was more of a reflex after another kick in chest.

no one told me parenting was going to be this hard.

I don’t know how to parent him. Nothing works.

op has the nursery with you talked about a school entry plan? Also it sounds like he would get band one funding for extra support in the nursery.

the nursery should be initiating an assess plan do review cycle based on his “quirks” in their setting and working out how best to support him there. This would be done by the senco and his key worker. You would have involvement.

you can call your HV and ask for a home visit to seek support for his behaviours in the home environment. Sounds like you both need some support.

hitting is never ok- you know that. Now we take positive action to help. If you’re in Somerset DM me. Other counties work in different ways.

If it is autism then getting a diagnosis can be difficult- but do not give up.

Why don’t you take up an acting class instead of mumsnet since you have such a flair for the dramatics. Keep your professional opinion at your work place instead of lording over a mum reaching out for help.

You need help, as does your child.

His behavior is awful and not something the average parent is equipped to deal with. No excuse for lashing out, so please get help before you do it again.

If when mums reach out at times like these they are met with criticism and not support then they won’t reach out. And that’s where it’ll get worse!
OP I hope you take this experience and the comments here and use this as a catalyst for positive change. Don’t beat yourself up, repair and rebuild.

@Annon1234 sorry you are going through something similar. It is so hard and exhausting m!

@TheodoreMortlock thank you for that post really helpful.

I shall push forward and stop waiting for teachers to see it and try and get us some help.

So an adult smacking another adult isn't abuse either then? 🤔
No it isn't a 'CP issue' to smack a child in this country, because sadly it's still not illegal.
But obviously someone must refrain from smacking an adult, even if that adult hurt them first, so they should also be doing the same for a child, more so really as children are innocent, adults are not.

Not saying OP is a bad mother...my mum smacked me afew times and she definitely wasn't a bad mother....although the fact i can vividly recall her doing it must mean it was somewhat traumatic.

The fact of how remorseful OP is clearly shows that this wasn't intentional.
But something clearly needs to change OP as you are understandably at the end of your tether but have stepped over a line that should never be crossed.

I work in a relevant legal field. I assume KadyRose is a social work student rather than a practitioner and is currently at the first stage of Dunning Kruger. If not, she would make the absolutely ideal subject for teaching cross examination.

@Piyo nursery has done absolutely nothing. All they say is they can’t send in any forms for him to the council because on paper he is doing well and they wouldn’t even come out for it. And they have other children that 100% need support but get nothing.

no school entry plan has been mentioned.

i paid privately through the clinic he has his play therapy at for someone to go and observe him at nursery, knowing they wouldn’t really see all that much and that report mentioned getting school entry plan in place. Have an appointment later this month with them.

I am.absolutely not advocating smacking. It's wrong and a loss of control. But I think OP honestly there are a lot more parents here, ones who are feeling uncomfortable and jerking quiet, who have smacked their child once or twice and regretted it. Please don't feel too guilty. Your son sounds challenging and you are clearly feeling terrible and looking for ways to help him and think about it.
I have slapped on occasion. I don't feel good about it. I have one with challenging behaviour and as the only parent, have been pushed to my limit. Not proud of it. You're ok OP.

@Squiffy01 thats a shame about the nursery. Try your health visitor- you may get better support there.

Am I right in thinking he is going to reception in September? Typically a neurodivergent pathway is much easier to access once a child is in school. Hold on to that.

I would have done the same OP. You're the parent, not a punching bag.

Oh god. Terrible typo. KEEPING quiet. No idea where that other word came from.

This is really not nice at all. She doesn’t need telling it’s not ok to smack a child, that’s why she’s here. You’re talking like she’s smacking her child daily. Pre-empting future ‘physical abuse’ after 1 (provoked) incident isn’t helpful.

These things happen op, take no notice of the alarmist SW. My friend is the most amazing, calm (like, nothing fazes her) birm to be a mummy type. Her son was relentlessly banging his head on her chair for over an hour because he couldn’t have a yo-yo & she smacked his bum. He’s now an amazing teen, loves his mum dearly & no harm done, he mocks her about it. I’ll never forget it as I was so shocked.

Many people have done this & many more will, it’s hard & please don’t be hard on yourself. It’s life.

This is a really lazy argument, because adults and children are not the same.

You could equally say "No, it isn't a "coercive controlling behaviour" issue to stop a child going out until closing time / having a single glass of wine / eating uncut grapes / spending their free time on YouTube. But obviously one must refrain from controlling the actions, intake and behaviour of an adult, so one should be doing the same for a child, more so really as children are innocent."

There are many things that we do for children that would be absurd with adults and vice versa. Smacking is not ideal behaviour from the parent but you cannot equiperate. Try sending your boss to sit on the naughty step or offering to cut up her fish fingers.

I always had a smack if ever I misbehaved as a child and I grew up to be a very well adjusted normal human being so I wouldn’t worry yourself too much OP. He likely won’t do it again which is a win win for you right?

She didn’t say it was the only deterrent?

Not a very helpful response to try and scare the OP. She is not saying that she regularly beats her child. There has been an isolated incident where she has in her own words reacted with a reflex. Of course I’m not saying that this is ok but don’t make her feel worse than she obviously already does and make her out to be a child abuser. I previously worked in MASH for several years.

Goodness me! You are something else!

You remind me of an over theatrical HV I had that was telling me all the bad things that could happen to my baby because of my cat & some mud by the back door.

Read the room & take a step down.

Surely a SW’s skill set should include some common sense & empathy.

Totally agree with Stardolphins

Try not to beat yourself up OP, I can't see you doing this again. You're human and it was a mistake, and it sounds like you're under immense pressure. You need support and understanding not judgement and condescension!

I think many of us have smacked a child at some point and then deeply regretted it.

Having said this, when I smacked my son (also about 4) I was much MORE in the wrong because he wasn't being physically violent, just very naughty. A four year old who gives you a bloody lip sounds like a bigger problem to me than the smacking. (After all, many people of my generation were smacked fairly frequently as children and have grown up to love our parents and be fairly normal law-abiding citizens.)

Look at everyone piling on the social worker.

Completely agree with her as a psychologist (cue everyone's eyerolls lol).

All she's saying, is that
a) it happens
B) it shouldn't happen, so
C) use it as a wake up call to get support so it doesn't happen again.

Unfortunately people do need a wake up call when incidents like this happen. I don't think she thought for a second the OP was coming on here to make excuses or have everyone tell her it's okay. She clearly knows it's not okay and is feeling very guilty as she knows it's wrong.

@Kadyrose is simply stating facts and encouraging her to get support to prevent it happening again. Unfortunately a lot of the time people only get support when they realise that it can be reported to child protection. That's the reality whether you like it or not. Shit happens but there are consequences.

It's also ironic that people mention the 'social services failures' and the kids that have been murdered, but simultaneously complain at the 'excessively sensitive' threshold for reporting. Make it make sense!!!

The system is broken. Blame the disgusting government.

I think this is one where you need to go back to your child, acknowledge that you lost your temper and it was wrong and you're sorry and you won't do it again. In order not to undo what you've been trying to teach them. Everyone has moments of parenting they aren't proud of. Everyone has moments where they've felt completely overwhelmed and at the end of their tether. What matters now is that you think about what needed to have been different- dh and I have a tap out system so if one of us is really struggling with ds we'll say I'm tapping out and the other steps in for a bit so they can have a breather. Failing that you put child somewhere safe where they can't harm themselves and you go to another room and take a moment for yourself. The key bit is realising you need to do this before you get to the end of your tether.

If you're worried about your sons behaviour might be worth going through gp if nursery aren't helpful. It's also possible he's completely over stimulated during nursery or over the course of the day and you are his safe place to act on that overwhelm so maybe experiment with his routine to see if anything helps reduce it even a little and see if nursery will make any suggestions.

I don't think anyone is 'piling on the social worker', she did come across as a little harsh being honest. Others thought the same clearly.

@scoobysnaxx I blame the social workers I'm afraid. It's the social workers decision to ruin lives, demonise parents, patronise, criticise and be aggressive instead of offering support (this is my experience). It's the social workers decisions to not take any action and ignore red flags. It's the social workers decision to not look at evidence and not investigate properly ultimately resulting in kids suffering.