I smacked my child tonight 😫

[Squiffy01]

I’m sitting here an absolute mess cause I smacked my 4 year old tonight.
they had been calm and mostly lovely all day and then this evening lost the plot and we had around an hour and a half of them kicking, hitting, spitting shouting and throwing things at me or his dad. He gave me a blood lip with one of the hits to my face which made him pause and give me a cuddle and I thought it was done but then he started up again.

I feel so bad. I’ve been telling him for 2 years we don’t use hitting hands be kind a gentle and then I’ve smacked him. I didn’t mean to it was more of a reflex after another kick in chest.

no one told me parenting was going to be this hard.

I don’t know how to parent him. Nothing works.

I'm not sure if any help but my adhd nephew has a tent/den in his room where he can decompress when overwhelmed and it definitely works for him

Do you actually have kids yourself? I am not been funny but when you are at work in your profession it's quite different when you have your kids. Your absolutely right this isn't normal behaviour for a 4 year old though. Your response is incredibly patronising to OP she has posted for help.

Yes I have a 4 year old and 4 month old.
I think it's important OP realises how serious it is, she has posted for reassurance that her actions were ok which they were definitely not. Too many people have responded not to worry etc which from my professional point of view is wrong. This should be a wake up call

She hasn’t posted because she wants people to tell her it’s ok? Obviously it’s not ok and OP knows this, hence why she feels awful. I’m sure she was posting because she feels like she needs some support and advice and to know that she’s not alone in struggling with challenging behaviour. She doesn’t need to be guilt tripped further.

thank you to all those who have had supportive things to say.

I know how serious it is. I have always said I will never smack my child. I am normally good at staying calm and riding it out.
he does have a special calm down space in his bedroom which worked for a while but now he just rages even more when I suggest he go there and attacks me when I physically take him there.

he doesn’t have big violent meltdowns at nursery so they haven’t had to deal with that but he does a lot of poking of other children, falls to the ground and cries at a lot of things, hides under tables, is obsessed with pool, wee and Willy talk. Like every question someone asks of him he responds with something about poo or willies. Calls people stupid constantly. They don’t know how to deal with it as everything thing they normally do doesn’t work.

@cestlavielife he is in play therapy to try and work out why he is so violent in particular towards me. But really whoever is about.

books about feelings, sticker charts, talking, explaining, losing tv time, cancelling plans, time outs nothing works. At best it improves things for a little bit then stops working.

@Kadyrose i definitely didn’t post to be told it’s ok. I 100% know that it isn’t alright. I’m not sure why I posted to be honest. To get it out of my head but the people saying it’s okay certainly doesn’t make me feel better cause all I do is read it and say but it’s not!

I reflexively hit my toddler once. I was incredibly shocked and felt terrible. I am and always have been totally against any form of physical punishment. But during a tantrum she hit me in the eye and before I even realised I'd done it, I hit her. I still don't understand it all these years later. It was absolutely instinctive. I didn't hit hard (thank goodness the instinctiveness also recognised that she was small) but still...

So yes, you know you did something that you're going to ensure you don't do again. But in my opinion it's forgivable in the specific situation you were in.

Those who've never experienced this reflexive/instinctive response to a particular kind of sudden pain may not get it and may continue to give you grief. But please forgive yourself.

You know it's not alright, and that's the main thing. You are a parent and that's the toughest job in the world. Don't beat yourself up over it. We've all been there (well maybe not all MNetters!). Draw a line and tomorrow is a new day x

Smacking a child is against the law in Scotland. Would you tell a parent in Scotland to go easy on themselves and it's not so bad?

You need to apologize and tell your child it was wrong to hit them and you should have used your words instead. That's what you'd expect of them if the situation was reversed and you need to practice what you preach

No it’s not ok op. However you will/can move forward and, so long as you reflect and ensure it’s not something that is repeated, it is not the end of the world. It was a mistake because you’re a human being and are struggling with what sounds like quite extreme behaviours. Feel the guilt, make some plans for how else you can deal with the situation when it’s getting very tense again and then move on. Don’t fester in the guilt and let that add more stress.

@Kadyrose why do you need to bring your profession into it? Unless your 4 year old has this type of behaviour which is likely caused by something deeper going on... sorry don't take offence OP I don't see how pileing on OP is going to help. Do you think OP has to post here? OP lost her rag but given the back story... it is understandable.

Do you have actual experience with your own kids? It sounds to me your motherhood journey has only just begun.

Sounds super tough especially when you set yourself up in your mind as a certain kind of parent and something happens to tear that vision to tatters.
But as with any strong emotion, especially if it takes you by surprise because it's been building up, is to listen to what it's telling you. And try to think it through. Which is exactly what you're doing.
I would start by apologising to your child when you're both calm, that I find it quite therapeutic to the emotional side of your brain, also can repair your relationship and reassure your child. Also give them a good example.
Then you can think more clearly and spot when things are going wrong earlier. If it's only with you it could be attention or a power struggle. Perhaps some 1 on 1 time doing what they want every day might help? Or give them more choices? Sorry if I'm repeating things you've tried.
Take care.

Forgive yourself OP, as a one off its not a big deal and I dont actually agree with sitting down in these circumstances and forelock tugging to a 4 year old about how mummy did wrong

You clearly need support with how to manage difficult times without it being traumatising for you or your child, are you open to Early Help for example?

And no its not a CP issue, reasonable chastisement is still legal, this wasnt a beating, with a closed fist, with an implement or leaving a mark (unless OP hasnt told us this) and therefore its not abuse. A mistake and ineffective yes, abuse no.

Because many parents I work with who have abused their children don't realise that smacking your child is abuse. A big part of my job is child protection and perhaps I'm more sensitive to children being physically hurt by their parents regardless of the situation. The child is 4, the parent is a grown adult, they are not on equal footing and a parent needs to walk away not hit their child back.

I don't agree with all these posters telling OP not to worry, work in my field for a few weeks and you will see why this is not helpful

I am so sorry you resorted to smacking OP. I do not condone it and where I am it is illegal anyway but yes I do agree kids can push you to your limits.

@roarrfeckingroar Pretty awful in your opinion. Other people may not see it as wrong the way you do. It used to be the method of disciplining kids until recently.

This is a CP issue, maybe not a criminal issue by your definition but if I was informed of this as a professional CP procedures would be initiated

Social services work to a different standard than the police, you cannot put your hands on your child as a form of punishment

@Kadyrose why if it's not illegal? If it's allowed as per England and Wales legislation, why is it social cares business to get involved? A smack on the bottom is an entirely different situation to beating a child round the head for example, which would definitely require your intervention.

I do work in your field and I dont agree with you in terms of what OP has said about her particular circumstances.

Kids' behaviour is much worse now than it was when mine were small. Kids seem to be rude, cheeky, tantrumming, and sometimes violent. Something's gone wrong. Is it because there's no deterrent and they know they can do what they like?

I don't believe you are a child protection social worker if you believe it is acceptable for a parent to hit their child because their 4 year old child kicked them?

“I don't agree with all these posters telling OP not to worry, work in my field for a few weeks and you will see why this is not helpful”.

🙄I think you’ve made your point, very clearly, several times.

Erm they really wouldnt. You could request a strategy discussion from the police, on the basis of what OP writes here, its reasonable chastisement and therefore I doubt they would agree to attend

Lets say they did and the professionals were around the table, in my view it wouldnt meet the threshold for a s47 investigation.