Husband telling me housework is MY job

[Helena1993]

Do you also struggle with this?

My husband works full time and I’m at home with my 1 year old (searching for a new job) The house is a mess, no matter how much cleaning I do.
I wake up at around 7, change and feed the baby. Then I start cleaning.
My husband leaves his clothes scattered everywhere, leaves his dirty plates and everything else in the living room so I have to clean up after him.
The only break I get is when baby naps. After she wakes up I continue to clean and do everything I can (make appointments, make meal plans, cook)
He then comes home and does nothing but play video games until 11pm. Sometimes later. Or just goes straight to sleep and then magically wakes up after baby went to sleep at 7pm to play more games.
For a week or so I let it slide but I’ve asked him to at least unload the dishwasher. He said okay later. Next morning: nothing.
So after he comes home I ask him again: please… can you do it now?
Next day: nothing.
He says: stop bitching around. It’s all you do lately.
So I started to get mad about him being unable to do something that takes 5 mins and him saying I’m bitching.
I tell him he seriously doesn’t do anything around the house and that he’s only making a mess.
He then said it’s my job to clean the house.
Then I grabbed the car keys and left, because I couldn’t take his bs anymore.
He lives as if he never had a family.
And then after an hour I come back and I tell him I already work all day to keep everyone happy and he says: if you were cleaning all day the house wouldn’t look like this.

I’m losing my mind with this useless asshole.
He’s so unattractive to me, I wouldn’t have sex with for money. He’s become fat and an incredible burden. I always look forward to when he’s off to work because on his days off he’s even more useless. I tell him to change the dirty nappy and he starts moaning and telling me he can’t because he’s doing something in his game. And this happens all the time when I ask him to do anything.I have so much resentment built up I’m thinking about leaving. It’s better than being the unhappy mum of a man child and a toddler!!!!
Before having a baby I used to work in a high paying position. There must be a way to leave him.
And I notice how he cripples my self esteem with the things he says. For instance he calls me incompetent at my job.

LTB

LTB

LTB

OP I think the first step is for you to go back to work. Then leave him.

When you're gone, it'll be his job, until he gets a new skivvy. Sorry to be so blunt.

Definitely. Spend all of your energy on getting a full time job and making an exit plan.

Only thinking about?

Change that to 'actively working towards'

• Get a full time job
• Settle kids into childcare
• Save as hard as you can, in cash and hide it/give it to someone you trust. I'd want 4/5 grand ish rainy day fund.
• Divorce him

!!!! Clever

All of this negative talk is being soaked up by your baby OP.

I know 😥I need to do something

Next time you take the car and clear off take the baba with you.

Definitely leave. He is so lazy he won't be arsed to have your child as he won't even know how to look after them!
You don't want to spend your life dragged down by this loser!

This exactly

Don’t waste your energy on anything else.

You caught a bad one, it happens, if you can earn decent money you’ll be fine on your own.

Between the job hunt and the leaving pull all your financials and see a solicitor so you know how the money will work.

If you can afford to get a cleaner while he’s out do that if it will save your sanity. He doesn’t need to know.

Don't you think there's another option than to leave? Maybe do something that will change him?

I had one like this, he's now an exH. 🙂

In his mind you're say at home doing nothing whilst he's at work for 10 hours. And he's worked hard so is entitled to relax after work.

What was he like before baby?

Obviously you need a conversation, it's fair that you both have equal leisure time, it's probably fair that you do a bit more housework than him cos you're in the house more and can stick a load of washing on or load the dishwasher as you go.

So have that conversation and see where it goes.

The fact he doesnt even clean up after himself suggests he thinks it's all your job, I'd be surprised if he changes.

Sorry I think it’s done unless there’s some major changes there’s no future in this

in our house it was persons at home “job “
to do housework but housework and being a skivvy are 2 different things
cleaning and running a house does not involve picking someone’s shit up after them

I had this conversation many many times before. He just doesn't get it. I do 100% of housework. He does 0% and only like 2% if i nag him.
All I want him to do is at least not produce more work for me every day...
Asking him to do laundry once a week really shouldn't be too much to ask for.

I honestly would be alright with that if I didn't drown in housework while I see him playing games all day. I honestly do feel like a skivvy....

This will be your life forever if you stay with him.

He won't change OP. Not a chance. Men like this don't.

If you really want to, you can give him another chance.

Get yourself sorted FIRST. Everything planned out so you know you can do it. Then tell him, bluntly but calmly, that you are not prepared to live how things are. Given him a write a list of things that would need to change, or you will leave. Remain TOTALLY calm during this conversation. Explain that his actions leave you exhausted, unappreciated and unsatisfied. Don't place blame, don't shout, just explain the facts clearly and concisely and that you WON'T live like this.

One of two things will happen (someone disagree with me if I'm wrong!):

He'll belittle you and gaslight you and make out like you are complaining about nothing. He won't believe you'll carry it out because he genuinely doesn't see your point of view.

Or he'll appear to be repentant. You'll have scared him. He'll change. But only for a few weeks, a month tops. Then things will slide straight back to where you are now.

You're effectively looking after two children at the moment, your baby and your man-child arsehole of a husband.

Life would be easier with just your baby.

Get back into work as soon as possible, regain your financial independence and then either leave or kick him out.

People don't really change. They just divide into categories. Those who think it's ok to treat other people like shit and those who don't.

OK, you might get people in the second category who go a little bit off-piste, become a little lazy, take their spouse for granted a bit too much. Some plain speaking about respect and division of responsibilities may work here.

But from what you've posted, your husband's in the first category. He thinks he can treat you like shit. He thinks that's OK. Short of giving him a personality transplant so he's someone else entirely, I'm not sure you can fix this.

That's uncanny - were we married to the same guy ?!😮

Definitely get a job. Much easier to walk if you have your own money. And don't have any more kids with him - that will make it harder to leave.

Have you got a support network that can help you?

He will never change.

Do you want your child growing up learning that it's OK to completely disrespect you?

OK, I'm going to go against the grain here slightly. While I do agree he should be doing more at home, especially with his child, you aren't working, how much housework could you possibly need to do? I wfh, I have 3 kids of my own, a dog and a messy dh just like yours, and I wouldn't say I spend my whole day cleaning. Mine also does nothing. I understand you just want him to clear up after himself, that's fair, but there really can't be that much to do.