Husband telling me housework is MY job

[Helena1993]

Do you also struggle with this?

My husband works full time and I’m at home with my 1 year old (searching for a new job) The house is a mess, no matter how much cleaning I do.
I wake up at around 7, change and feed the baby. Then I start cleaning.
My husband leaves his clothes scattered everywhere, leaves his dirty plates and everything else in the living room so I have to clean up after him.
The only break I get is when baby naps. After she wakes up I continue to clean and do everything I can (make appointments, make meal plans, cook)
He then comes home and does nothing but play video games until 11pm. Sometimes later. Or just goes straight to sleep and then magically wakes up after baby went to sleep at 7pm to play more games.
For a week or so I let it slide but I’ve asked him to at least unload the dishwasher. He said okay later. Next morning: nothing.
So after he comes home I ask him again: please… can you do it now?
Next day: nothing.
He says: stop bitching around. It’s all you do lately.
So I started to get mad about him being unable to do something that takes 5 mins and him saying I’m bitching.
I tell him he seriously doesn’t do anything around the house and that he’s only making a mess.
He then said it’s my job to clean the house.
Then I grabbed the car keys and left, because I couldn’t take his bs anymore.
He lives as if he never had a family.
And then after an hour I come back and I tell him I already work all day to keep everyone happy and he says: if you were cleaning all day the house wouldn’t look like this.

I’m losing my mind with this useless asshole.
He’s so unattractive to me, I wouldn’t have sex with for money. He’s become fat and an incredible burden. I always look forward to when he’s off to work because on his days off he’s even more useless. I tell him to change the dirty nappy and he starts moaning and telling me he can’t because he’s doing something in his game. And this happens all the time when I ask him to do anything.I have so much resentment built up I’m thinking about leaving. It’s better than being the unhappy mum of a man child and a toddler!!!!
Before having a baby I used to work in a high paying position. There must be a way to leave him.
And I notice how he cripples my self esteem with the things he says. For instance he calls me incompetent at my job.

Interesting to see a different opinion. I can't really explain but its around the clock. Cleaning, cooking, laundry, watching toddler, applying for jobs, job interviews, seminars. All I want is to get everything sorted ONCE so I only have to take care of daily stuff

could he do some babycare in the evenings? Was he a big gamer before you had the baby? How were evenings spent then? LTB is easy to say but with a child involved it also means thinking about how child contact would look. Would he come to some couples therapy? Does he know you’re thinking of leaving (if you are)?

He is now responsible for washing all his own clothes. You need to sometimes go out without your baby so he sees what it is like to be looking after a child all the time. Tell him that if it is so easy then it won't be hard for him to do it for a day. Get your hair done, some new work clothes etc. Get back into work and then leave him to his mess.

In our household I do everything except take the rubbish out because my husband walks past the bin every morning anyway. I’m happy to do it because he works and I don’t, but, he doesn’t do things like the OP described her husband doing like scattering dirty clothes around or leaving plates in the living room and I wouldn’t clean up that kind of mess. I feel like a housewife not a skivvy but I think OP feels like a skivvy rather than a stay at home mum and that breeds resentment and I think she’s at the point now where everything her husband does irritates her and even doing the tasks that are ‘fair’ for her to do feel unfair now.

For those that do everything what do your partners do when they are in the house? Do they just sit and watch you clean and parent, like going back to the 1950s?

Leave. When you said he leaves clothes all over the place, can't put plates in the dishwasher and plays video games I'd heard enough. He's a man child, he wants a mummy. Let him find one, just not you.

My advice would be, try getting him to start clearing up after himself, but ime that's difficult with messy people. Try getting one bug clear out done. Clear up some stuff through the day and then at night do all the dishes, quick tidy round and hoover ( if you do that every day. I NEED to do that every day 🤣) having one baby and one partner really shouldn't equate to doing housework all day, every day.

I really don't understand grown men that play video games but Father's who put gaming before their family. Just no. Was he always like this or has he changed.

Did he leave plates and clothes lying around before the baby arrived?

Leave him. He's a useless partner and father.
Any man who thinks its the women's job to clean and look after the children solely on their own aren't good fathers, men, or partners. A MAN will support his partner and his children, regardless of whether he works or not. You're doing it all on your own anyway. He's just a burden, get rid of him, and live a happy and peaceful life without him 😊

You cannot do so or say anything to change someone else's behaviour op.

Only they can do that and they have to want to.

How can you even bear to look at him?

What was he like before the baby?

My ex was like this even when I had 4 kids under 5! Worst thing is he didn’t even bring in the money as he was always leaving jobs. A lot of our income came from me (part time work and gifted by family). Now I’ve left he has to hire help when he has the children fortnightly for a weekend. Separating was great same workload, more peace!

It's interesting to see that there are some women here, who don't bother cleaning up after their husbands at all. I find it disrespectful. An adult should be at least able to clean up their own mess. And when having a child, do something to help the family.
As long as I stay at home I'm fine with doing most of the household, but I should be able to expect at least some help here and there, when needed.
I'm afraid that once I go back to work PT he will still expect me to do everything. I remember while I was 30+ weeks pregnant he wouldn't do anything around the house. I even came back from hospital after a horrible birth and everything was a mess. He left soggy cheese macaroni in the sink for days. What did he do while I was in hospital for weeks? Well... he... played... games...
For me this once perfect relationship has turned into a nightmare. And no he wasn't like this when I met him. He was helpful and nice and caring.

I'm so sorry to hear! Sounds like it was truly awful living with him...

OP kindly, you won't change him.
He can do these things, he should do these things and he chooses not to. He chooses how he treats you and how he sees you. That won't change if you stay I'm afraid. We can't ever fix people, they can only do it for themselves.
Best of luck and you'll be happier with your baby and your own life

When has this ever happened in the history of the world?

Please promise yourself that by this time next year you will have a new job, savings and a new place to live for you and your little one to live.

He (and you?) have lost sight of the fact that you are a team with a home and baby together. He cannot just abdicate from everything except bringing in money. I think you made a mistake in being willing in the first place to do all the domestic stuff, as it became unequal at that point. He sounds completely uninvolved now. If you want your marriage to continue it will need to be reset after you have had a deliberate (ie. planned, not just in the heat of the moment) serioius talk with him about expectations in the marriage. If you can't stand him, what are you waiting for? What you have now is not worth having. Sorry for your situation.

Don't you think there's another option than to leave? Maybe do something that will change him?*

You won't change him. Why would he want to change? He's got you doing absolutely everything! He's not going to want to change that!

I should be able to expect at least some help
You should not expect help, you should expect him to behave like an adult and pull his weight.

You can’t change a man. He’s telling you load and clear that the gaming is his number one, not you or baby.

You had good jobs before, time to get another one & leave.

If he's already stated that housework is your job then he won't change. Ever. So what do you want to do? Live this way for the next twenty, thirty, forty years or leave and have a better life?

Personally I would go back to work full time, child in childcare, save like crazy, do the minimum housework, only cook and do laundry for yourself and little one. He will either change (hahahaha) or not.

Please leave. He'll never change. He might for a while when he thinks he's going to lose his slave. But in reality he doesn't see that his behaviour is wrong. You are obviously an intelligent, capable woman with the potential to earn enough money to support yourself and your baby. I wish I'd left at this stage and saved myself years of misery. This is your life forever I'm afraid. X

He doesn't respect you or care about how he's making you feel, and it doesn't sound like he engages with the baby.

You called him a 'burden', and rightly so.

Don't let your daughter grow up to think this is how a man should treat a woman.