Husband telling me housework is MY job

[Helena1993]

Do you also struggle with this?

My husband works full time and I’m at home with my 1 year old (searching for a new job) The house is a mess, no matter how much cleaning I do.
I wake up at around 7, change and feed the baby. Then I start cleaning.
My husband leaves his clothes scattered everywhere, leaves his dirty plates and everything else in the living room so I have to clean up after him.
The only break I get is when baby naps. After she wakes up I continue to clean and do everything I can (make appointments, make meal plans, cook)
He then comes home and does nothing but play video games until 11pm. Sometimes later. Or just goes straight to sleep and then magically wakes up after baby went to sleep at 7pm to play more games.
For a week or so I let it slide but I’ve asked him to at least unload the dishwasher. He said okay later. Next morning: nothing.
So after he comes home I ask him again: please… can you do it now?
Next day: nothing.
He says: stop bitching around. It’s all you do lately.
So I started to get mad about him being unable to do something that takes 5 mins and him saying I’m bitching.
I tell him he seriously doesn’t do anything around the house and that he’s only making a mess.
He then said it’s my job to clean the house.
Then I grabbed the car keys and left, because I couldn’t take his bs anymore.
He lives as if he never had a family.
And then after an hour I come back and I tell him I already work all day to keep everyone happy and he says: if you were cleaning all day the house wouldn’t look like this.

I’m losing my mind with this useless asshole.
He’s so unattractive to me, I wouldn’t have sex with for money. He’s become fat and an incredible burden. I always look forward to when he’s off to work because on his days off he’s even more useless. I tell him to change the dirty nappy and he starts moaning and telling me he can’t because he’s doing something in his game. And this happens all the time when I ask him to do anything.I have so much resentment built up I’m thinking about leaving. It’s better than being the unhappy mum of a man child and a toddler!!!!
Before having a baby I used to work in a high paying position. There must be a way to leave him.
And I notice how he cripples my self esteem with the things he says. For instance he calls me incompetent at my job.

Ugh nothing more unattractive than a grown up who is addicted to video games!! And expects you to care about them too.

I read some random statistics the other day that men add about 11% to a women's workload.

In your case I'd say he's adding 50% and the perfect partner should be doing a fair share so nobody looses third time, they should just muck in and then everything is done faster giving both people free time.

He's so far off the ideal I think you'd end up with more free time without him.

Very strategic and sound advice!

Brilliant advice mommasgotabrandnewbag, have a plan, bide your time, then piss off and leave him to sort himself out 🤣

Yes this. Don’t touch anything he leaves behind him. See how long it takes him to notice. You’re not his slave.

the macaroni pan is gross and triggering for me

I had a flatmate once who never cleaned up their mess. I got fed up, stopped clearing up after them, and one week they slowly used up all the pans and plates without washing any. I asked if they’d mind doing their dishes as I needed a pan to cook. They said oh wait no they’re not mine. I said yes they are, that’s mouldy macaroni cheese (all they ate) and I never eat that. They honestly didn’t believe me that the mess was theirs, even when I asked them to tell me when they last washed a dish.

I moved out

Get yourself your high paying job back (or a similar one) and leave. It sounds like you’ll be so much happier just you and baby and you’ll have clean house that won’t take you time to clean as you won’t have him making it worse all the time.

I had an ex like this.. only I also worked full time in addition to him.

We split up.
I'm much happier raising my daughter alone in my nice tidy house.
He will not change.

The thing that really strikes me OP is not so much that he's a selfish wanker. That goes without saying. It's more that he doesn't care about you. He shows that in a number of ways: ignoring you to play his games; unpleasantly leaving his stuff for you to clear up; stonewalling you when you try to have a reasonable discussion about a fair division of work around the house.

He only cares about him and his needs and wants.

That isn't likely to change. It would require a personality transplant. He might improve for a while to shut you up but he's not going to change his fundamental nature. Anyone who has that in them to let someone skivvy after them with no thought of how that feels for them is not going to suddenly see the light.

A secret rainy day fund is absolutely fine as you will have spent it on your rainy day long before you need to fill in the divorce papers!

LTB, that is all.

Your partner doesn't respect you at all!
I can really relate to this. Make a plan, get your ducks in order and kick him out! If you're doing everything anyway, at least you have a chance to be happy and do it all alone without him being a massive burden to you! You will cope just fine.
I'm going through a similar situation myself, my child is 18 months and his dad just doesn't respect me or help me at all! As time has gone on, he does less and less with our child and around the home so he's prepared me for being a single parent anyway! I asked him to leave a couple of weeks ago, and to be honest I'm just not sure I want him back! I started working again part time a month ago, so I will be at an even keel financially as I was with him here and now he's gone that dark cloud is lifting! Like yourself, I used to enjoy when he was out at work more than when he was here because the environment just became toxic! I have to say, although it's hard getting to this point emotionally where you're ready to be done with him because you're a family now, I just don't regret that it's come to this. I have a chance to be happy now and just worry about myself and my child.
You deserve so much better. Keep your focus on how you can set yourself up for just you and your child should it have to come to that...

I read something recently (admittedly she was explaining the difference to her kids who were moaning about having to do housework) where someone was complaining the difference between maintenance and housework - and that they were ALL expected to do the maintenance part as they go along - putting dishes in the sink/dishwasher, putting their clothes in the laundry basket, wiping the spill they made when pouring themselves a drink, rinsing the toothpaste spit down the sink after they brushed their teeth, putting away what they had used, hanging a towel up after using it etc

The deep cleaning which is housework was hers (or whichever of the family it was allocated to)

Maybe explaining it to him in that way would help as you say what you actually want is for him to not make things worse (and to be honest would probably save a lot of time)

SAHPs are there to look after kids and run the house. They are not there to pick up after other adults.

While you plan, every single thing he leaves lying around. Pile into a bin bag and put it at his side of the bed for him to sort out. I'd probably be willing to wash laundry actually put in the laundry basket like

You probably need to get rid though

It sounds as if he was on his best behaviour for a while. Now this is who he wants to be… or who he’s fallen into being.

The only person you can change is yourself op. Right now there are no consequences for his awful behaviour. If you changed in some way, it would invoke some sort of reaction from him. Not tidying up his clothes is a good start. The dishes is a trickier one. But if he can’t be bothered to clear up his dishes maybe you can’t be bothered to cook for him and just make food for you and your lo.

And yes to the rainy day fund and going back full time.

As gamerchick says, gather his mess up in a bag or box. Good idea. I’ve seen that suggested before.

Get a job / income / savings / pension.

Get help - cleaner, window cleaner, garden person, ironing - there are people whose job / business these are and will do it better and with more pleasure than either of you. Neither of you want to do this.

Get a nursery place for your child.

You've now got time, mental stimulation, money, a reminder there is a life beyond the sink.

Then decide do you want to stay with a scornful manchild who's let himself go and dumps all the work of home on you?

I actually think the biggest problem here is the gaming. I would have nipped that in the bud a long time ago. I can't believe he comes home from work and plays games for 4/5 hours straight. And just ignores the whole family. Totally out of line.

He isn't present with you at all and doesn't seem to have much awareness of what's happening around him. If he wasn't gaming so much he might look around at the house and realise what a state its in.

I've been a SAHM for about 4 years now. My husband respects what I do as a full time job. He has his own business and I even receive a salary. I have never picked his clothes up and we've been married for 8 years. Maybe the occasional stray sock, but that's it. He cleans up after himself. If he shaves in the morning he will clean the sink of all the hairs. The toilet is never left dirty etc. I do the majority of the housework, but he doesn't disrespect me by trashing the house or completely ignoring me and the kids. He spends time with the kids when he's back from work, does kids bath time and does all the gardening, house maintenance work, car stuff etc.

Do you have access to his debit card/bank account? Who pays for baby stuff, household expenditures? If I were you, the first thing I would do is hire a cleaner to come once or twice a week with his money. If he complains tell him its because he's not pulling his weight.

Once that's under control and you get a breather you need to talk to him and address the gaming. It's taking too much time and energy away from the family.

Maintaining the house with a young baby is really tough and it really is constant cleaning. Even a meal time with an 8 month old will mean food on the walls, on the floor, on his clothes etc. Dirty hand prints everywhere. The amount of laundry is insane.

I wish you luck OP.

Are you me? I've actually done stuff like that a couple of times

The only thing I can add to what’s been said: he’s being so absolutely awful that I even wonder if it’s a tactic for you to leave him. Because there’s little he could do that’s worse

Nyna - this is coming across to me too, that he is tuning her out,
making her position rocky.
This is not an uncommon thread
As an umbrella comment I would say, respect is the bottom line, which
we work upwards from.

Liking someone is important too : this man seems decidedly unlikeable,
only OP knows if he has any redeeming features.

A running away fund - essential, separate account, online, better interest
rates.
OP it isn’t a frivolous reason to leave, that your husband game and ignores
you - this is not a marriage.
Perhaps we could have a thread entitled Define Marriage.

Anyway, good luck, best not to threaten, play your cards close to your chest,
consider some of the good advice on here, keep us posted, remember your
MH is important too, please do not morph into The Invisible Woman.

I’m a massive gamer but the idea of gaming when there are a couple of precious hours between work and baby bedtime is so sad.

I would sit him down and ask if he wants to split. Because I think he must want to to be treating you this badly and he’s to chicken to be the one to instigate the split. if he’s actually that ignorant he’s not realised how much he’s slipped then it’ll be a wake up call.

Someone here asked for an Update. Well…
He still loves his electronics more than his family.
I sat down with him and asked if we could spend more time together instead of him staring at the screen 6+ hours every evening (plus during the day)
He said he doesn’t know what we should do. So I gave him some ideas like watching a film or even playing online games together. But he found 100 excuses why he doesn’t want to. Then I asked him for ideas and he didn’t come up with any.

Oh and he still doesn’t clean. He spends a little more time with our toddler but otherwise he’s glued to his screen. He constantly moans when he has to change diapers (I had severe food poisoning and couldn’t do it). He just gags at every diaper change like a little kid. He complains that he doesn’t get anything done in his game because we constantly need him.

He is all I never wanted. How did this happen?

We don’t have any date nights and literally, I’m not joking NEVER asks me to spend time with him. When I ask him to spend time with me he’s either busy in game or only has 10 minutes and it’s completely unsatisfactory. We rarely talk. In the morning the first thing he does is look at his phone before he even says good morning and even when I talk directly to him and come closer and look him in the eyes he doesn’t look back and replies half-heartedly.

The only good thing about this is that he won’t notice that I’m making plans to leave him since he’s so unbelievably stupid and ignorant

I'm so sorry.

He's an addict.

Addicts, whether it's drink, drugs, gambling, gaming, whatever, are the centre of their own universes.

Everything, including money, relationships and time all trickle away without them noticing.

You and your child are a distraction from his view of what really matters.

It's chasing the hit, the excitement that matters more than anything else.

If he hasn't noticed you're making plans he may not even notice when you and your child are no longer there.

And then your lives can start, without the constant why aren't we enough self doubt noise.

All the very best

He's living the life of a teenage boy - playing video games?! Why can't he pick up his own dirty clothes and dishes? He's a crap partner and a shit father. Tell him to shape up or fuck off

But he's paying to keep you all! No offence but if you're at home all day then why should he do housework when he's working and you're not? Looking after a 1 year old is tough, I know, but it shouldn't stop you from getting most of it done mon - fri