Husband telling me housework is MY job

[Helena1993]

Do you also struggle with this?

My husband works full time and I’m at home with my 1 year old (searching for a new job) The house is a mess, no matter how much cleaning I do.
I wake up at around 7, change and feed the baby. Then I start cleaning.
My husband leaves his clothes scattered everywhere, leaves his dirty plates and everything else in the living room so I have to clean up after him.
The only break I get is when baby naps. After she wakes up I continue to clean and do everything I can (make appointments, make meal plans, cook)
He then comes home and does nothing but play video games until 11pm. Sometimes later. Or just goes straight to sleep and then magically wakes up after baby went to sleep at 7pm to play more games.
For a week or so I let it slide but I’ve asked him to at least unload the dishwasher. He said okay later. Next morning: nothing.
So after he comes home I ask him again: please… can you do it now?
Next day: nothing.
He says: stop bitching around. It’s all you do lately.
So I started to get mad about him being unable to do something that takes 5 mins and him saying I’m bitching.
I tell him he seriously doesn’t do anything around the house and that he’s only making a mess.
He then said it’s my job to clean the house.
Then I grabbed the car keys and left, because I couldn’t take his bs anymore.
He lives as if he never had a family.
And then after an hour I come back and I tell him I already work all day to keep everyone happy and he says: if you were cleaning all day the house wouldn’t look like this.

I’m losing my mind with this useless asshole.
He’s so unattractive to me, I wouldn’t have sex with for money. He’s become fat and an incredible burden. I always look forward to when he’s off to work because on his days off he’s even more useless. I tell him to change the dirty nappy and he starts moaning and telling me he can’t because he’s doing something in his game. And this happens all the time when I ask him to do anything.I have so much resentment built up I’m thinking about leaving. It’s better than being the unhappy mum of a man child and a toddler!!!!
Before having a baby I used to work in a high paying position. There must be a way to leave him.
And I notice how he cripples my self esteem with the things he says. For instance he calls me incompetent at my job.

A SAHP is not an indentured servant. There is a difference 🙄.

At a time when you needed him most he not only turned his back on you - he "spat" at you too.

Can you ever forget that? There will be many times in your future where you will need him - what will happen?

@Goldbar You said that, not me!

Can you imagine if the sex was reversed here? The Dad was the one unemployed and therefore doing the childcare and complaining about having to do the housework. whilst the mum was working full time? My god! LTLB (Leave the lazy bastard!)

It's not OP's job to do basic things that a man should be doing for himself, like picking up after him @AlfietheSchnauzer He's male, not disabled. Such extreme laziness is an incredibly unattractive trait.

Glad you're making plans to leave @Helena1993 because you've got yourself a real manchild, there and it's so rare that they change. Let him live in his own filth.

Leave him, he doesn't respect you.

I'm getting 95% of it done. But he can't do a single thing. Not-a-single-thing-ever. And that won't change when I'm working.

In another room doing their own thing and we are just glad they are out of the way and not making more mess.

This was my issue. I did get a job out of the house but the state of the house when I got back took me over an hour to sort, and that's before I could start dinner. I quit as it was just worse. Then I left my husband and now come home to a clean home every day that I can relax in after a hard day's work.

There is no excuse for any functioning adult, working or not, not to pick up after themselves or engage in the parenting of their own children.

This is the bare minimum people need to do to deserve a family life.

He’s a selfish, lazy pig and he shows not the slightest respect for you or interest in family life.

Time to cut your losses and plan to leave.

@Helena1993 you can't change a man who doesn't care enough to want to meet you halfway.

He doesn't care or respect you. He thinks your job is to have the house pristine at all times and do all the childcare because you get to stay at home all day. He doesn't pick up after himself either because why should he? That's YOUR job.

There is no respect or thought or much love for you here. You aren't a partner, you are a warm hole who doubles up as maid and nanny.

There isn't anything left to save. He has shown you time and time again he just doesn't want to. That in turn has built up frustration and resentment and irrevocable harmed your relationship. You will never love and desire him the same way again.

Can you afford to pay rent or mortgage yourself?

Without him there you'd be entitled to benefits. This would help while you find your way back to work. Plus child support via CMS (don't go informal, he will weasel his way out of paying) may help.

You'd find life a lot easier and more fulfilling without his lazy, selfish arse dragging you down.

He isn't going to change. It's as simple as that. This is who he is.

You have 2 choices

1. Stay and live this life

1. Realise you deserve more and start planning a new life away from him.

They don't change, OP. They really don't.

You don’t deserve this bullshit, OP. There’s no excuse for that level of laziness and neglect on his part. Sounds like your life changed when you had a baby and his didn’t at all. Let go of the resentment and leave him, you already know you don’t need his help.

You can’t change him you can only change your attitude to him

You will do the laundry if it is in the laundry basket
You will make dinner but he needs to wash up
If he doesn’t then start serving dinner in whatever you have to hand (pans, Pyrex dishes etc)

You are not tidying away after him
You are not cleaning up after him and anything not put away will be put in a bin bag and left for him to sort though. So his gaming controllers in a bin bag with his dirty plates

OTOH I would look on Entitled to and look at what you could get if you started divorce proceedings and separated (but still lived under the same roof whilst the divorce is going through)
Being separated would mean no more cooking for him, cleaning up after him and sleeping in the same bed as him

Being divorced would mean a tidier house, being more organised and without his constant criticisms it would mean a great job and more confidence

Why on earth would you stay. What exactly is this guy bringing to the table apart from a lot of work and nastiness.
You can get your own money without him there, either by benefits or salary or both. He will have to pay CM and look after his own child at least EOW. Even if he got shared care it would save you money in not having to pay for nursery 2.5 days per week
And don’t forget at least 50% of the marital pot (house equity, savings both of your pensions etc you get to walk away with)

It sounds like gaming is more important to him than you or his child
What exactly are you getting out of this relationship that means you want to stay
married

You aren’t going to change him doing the same things explaining the same things over and over. He isn’t going to magically see the error of his ways.

Time to move on

@Yalta this thread is from July

You need to get that job, get the baby into daycare, and leave.

He is punishing you for being the centre of attention while you were pregnant and during childbirth, and paying attention to the baby. This is the real.person under the fake persona he presented to you while he was trying to win you.

Do not stay with this narcissist. He is enjoying his ego trip, seeing you skivvying, picking up his dirty clothes and dishes and dealing with all the nappies and his behaviour will never change.

This

This is post is from July