Husband telling me housework is MY job

[Helena1993]

Do you also struggle with this?

My husband works full time and I’m at home with my 1 year old (searching for a new job) The house is a mess, no matter how much cleaning I do.
I wake up at around 7, change and feed the baby. Then I start cleaning.
My husband leaves his clothes scattered everywhere, leaves his dirty plates and everything else in the living room so I have to clean up after him.
The only break I get is when baby naps. After she wakes up I continue to clean and do everything I can (make appointments, make meal plans, cook)
He then comes home and does nothing but play video games until 11pm. Sometimes later. Or just goes straight to sleep and then magically wakes up after baby went to sleep at 7pm to play more games.
For a week or so I let it slide but I’ve asked him to at least unload the dishwasher. He said okay later. Next morning: nothing.
So after he comes home I ask him again: please… can you do it now?
Next day: nothing.
He says: stop bitching around. It’s all you do lately.
So I started to get mad about him being unable to do something that takes 5 mins and him saying I’m bitching.
I tell him he seriously doesn’t do anything around the house and that he’s only making a mess.
He then said it’s my job to clean the house.
Then I grabbed the car keys and left, because I couldn’t take his bs anymore.
He lives as if he never had a family.
And then after an hour I come back and I tell him I already work all day to keep everyone happy and he says: if you were cleaning all day the house wouldn’t look like this.

I’m losing my mind with this useless asshole.
He’s so unattractive to me, I wouldn’t have sex with for money. He’s become fat and an incredible burden. I always look forward to when he’s off to work because on his days off he’s even more useless. I tell him to change the dirty nappy and he starts moaning and telling me he can’t because he’s doing something in his game. And this happens all the time when I ask him to do anything.I have so much resentment built up I’m thinking about leaving. It’s better than being the unhappy mum of a man child and a toddler!!!!
Before having a baby I used to work in a high paying position. There must be a way to leave him.
And I notice how he cripples my self esteem with the things he says. For instance he calls me incompetent at my job.

No!!

That's because you are!

What happened to the job you had before maternity leave, OP? Did you both decide you’d stay at home, or what?

He won't change because he doesn't need to

He reeled you in and now you need to break free

Look at everything you'd be entitled to as a single parent

Do you own or rent your home?

Can you ask him to leave or (as part of your housework chores) accidentally destroy his Xbox?
I would have an honest conversation with him and say that he’s not being a parent, he’s not being a supportive husband so what is his role in the home?
You are not there to clean up after him and if he’s purposely leaving clothes and dishes out then he’s being a dickhead!
My dh was leaving his clothes on the floor so I didn’t wash them. He soon learnt.

I'm afraid that once I go back to work PT he will still expect me to do everything.

I think you need to be looking at FT, I’m afraid. You’ll need the income to leave him.

Does he expect his food on the table? Clean clothes? Sex?

Make sure he gets none of that

Maybe say his games can do the housework and the sex since that is who he seems to be in a relationship with

This!!

Hes adding nothing to your live. You are a married single parent

This is it. There's a world of difference between doing the housework that keeps the house ticking over for you both and cleaning up after another adult who chooses to create more mess for you. It's unbelievably disrespectful to not drop personal items like clothes on the floor and expect someone else to.pick them up for you and ensure your clothes are clean. I do all the laundry in our house but my DH puts his dirty clothes in laundry hamper. If he left them on the floor that's where they'd stay.

And also illegal
hiding assets and not declaring on forms D81/form E is contempt of court and possible fraud. At very least your financial settlement will become negated and you’ll end up taking a penalty as courts take a vey dim view of contempt of court. At worst it is a criminal record, community service or possibly jail.

but hey crack on, listen to batshit people here who probably think you can change the locks on your house, throw your husband out etc

alternately, go to the ADVICE NOW link on the divorce/separation board and actually spend time looking at what the actual legal process is, “fair settlement” definitions and what your future would look like in terms of child custody and financial settlements. This may help to dispel fears, myth and rumours to help you make an informed decision about your future.

I guess I’ll try to talk to him about how I’m feeling one last time but also make plans on how to leave him if nothing changes and make sure I get some money

Change the WiFi password. That's something you can change.
Oh - and you can change your own life by leaving him.

You could sit down with him for a chat and tell him this is going one of two ways so talk about the first one which involves you leaving because this is not a relationship or situation you want to stay in. Talk about selling the house, dividing the money, what that will leave in terms of what you can both afford to buy/rent as single people. Point out you will need to discuss who gets what furniture, feel free at this point to tell him stuff you will most definitely be taking so he can see you have already done this in your head. How will you divide up him seeing his child and him paying toward nursery costs on the days he has her. It is the stark reality of where this is headed.

Or he can start to pick up after himself and understand that staying on top of housework isn't easy with a 1 year old at home. In fact leave him for the day with his child and see how much he gets done. Don't forget to take the controller or keyboard for the computer/games console so he cannot just play that. Have a no break weekend (for him) where he cleans and sorts and tidies. You get no real down time so he shouldn't either. This comes after that above talk about splitting up. He believes you will never leave which is why he is behaving this way.

My mum was born in 1959. My grandma was a housewife, my grandpa a bus driver. Do you know what he used to do in the evenings, after work? He got off his backside and he did half the evening chores - bathtime, washing up, tidying, cleaning. Because he said he wanted him and grandma to be able to sit down and relax together, not sit around on his bum while she did all the chores after caring for young children all day. This is a man born in the late nineteen-twenties, and he was a better husband, a better father, and a more modern man than that useless lump you have sitting in your house.

My dh works full time and I run a small business which makes a fraction of his salary. Do you know what he does? All the cooking while I work in the evenings. He did load after load of laundry before I started to outsource this chore. He hoovers. He generally does the food shop (ok, the latter is because he reckons he’s more frugal than me - probably true!). He’s an equal parent in every way. Right now he’s off doing swimming lessons because I’ve worked this morning and he wants me to have a break. I was a SAHM - I did more around the house then than I do now, but he still pulled his weight. And he never made more work for me by leaving things lying around.

I am posting this so you can see that this is what you too should expect! This is how it should be. Leaving his laundry strewn around and filthy dishes is completely disrespectful behaviour. He does not value you. He does not see you as an equal partner. He does not respect you, and that is relationship cyanide.

I think you would be very well advised to prepare for leaving.

He's doing this because his own comfort, down time & gaming are his priorities, not you, not the child, he is a selfish slob.
Not even prepared to clear old food when you came home from hospital....
He doesn't give a shit.
& yes, I can see why your role is the domestic side, but he is deliberately adding to it.
You would not have got together with him if he had behaved like this before.
Sadly you need to boot to touch. You are not his mother

ODFOD

Any woman who does not prepare a quiet rainy day fund is a fool.

There is no way in hell you'd catch me without a way to run, no matter how much I loved and trusted the other.

Once bitten twice shy.

Starting off caring, nice and helpful is how he hooked you in, he would never have been able to keep your interest if he had been what I suspect is his true self. Now that you have a small child he thinks that you are vulnerable and not able to just walk away from him, so he feels he doesn't have to make any effort.

I would recommend learning to tolerate a bit of a mess. Make sure you have enough time to plan and sort out your new life away from him and only then do the minimum to make sure the house is clean enough for you and your child. Prioritise the things that make a difference to you, leave the things that make a difference to him, eg gather his discarded clothing into a big heap on his side of the bed and leave it there, don't do his laundry, make the food that you like rather than what you know he wants. He will complain and try to guilt trip you, just tell him that he makes no effort at all and you are learning from his example.

he is an awful man. Do the escape route first before the talk. It wont matter though. He has no respect for you and will not change his behaviour.

tou said you wil’ try to change him. You cant. People rarely change, and then only if they want to. And of they do, it wont last. And that it with professionals. You are not.

op, put a plan in place to leave. Do not get pregnant again. Do not model this relationship to your child. Every single time he disrespects you, you child will expect to be treated the same. It becomes the norm.

Don't you think there's another option than to leave? Maybe do something that will change him? Honestly, no. An adult that leaves his clothes on the floor and dirty plates in the living room and expects another adult to clean that up, is beyond change IMO. That's the ultimate lack of respect. I don't know how you can even look at him, never mind have any kind of physical relationship with a man who obviously sees you as no more than a skivvy.

Yeah mine was like this. I should have known. When we first got together, he lived alone, his place was messy. I assumed he’d be better when we lived together. I was wrong. There was an expectation that I would do the housework and he would do DIY (fits and starts). Then every so often he would have a burst of frustration and aggressively go around tidying (blaming me mostly). I gave up after 15 years and LTB. Life is so much better now.

Don't you think there's another option than to leave? Maybe do something that will change him?

You're cooking, cleaning and looking after his kid 24/7 while he gets to game every spare hour of his day and nap ever other spare hour. The only think he has to do is to keep you in your little box by pushing you down every time you "nag" him. Why T F would he want to change, he's got it exactly how he want it! He clearly isn't motivated by being a decent partner or father, is he.

In the mean time, when he leaves his clothes throw them into one pile in a corner, or even better his wardrobe floor. Just throw them there. Have a set of a plate, cup, cutlery, bowl for your and the child you wash and then hide. Ignore everything else. If you are cooking a meal for you all leave his in the pan etc. Do not serve his out.

if you have two bathrooms, leave him with one and stop even looking at it.

and get the fuck out of there.

you are completely missing the point that OPs DH isn't reasonable or interested her mental or physical well-being.

And also illegal
hiding assets and not declaring on forms D81/form E is contempt of court and possible fraud. At very least your financial settlement will become negated and you’ll end up taking a penalty as courts take a vey dim view of contempt of court. At worst it is a criminal record, community service or possibly jail.

Not of that money is spent on rent and furniture - there would be no money left

I have a rainy day fine more than £5K - and he doesn’t know about it.