Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

Thank you HollyKnight. I'm not getting a break. They aren't taking them until they move into their new home, I'm just being used for babysitter until then (that's how it feels)

Have they actually followed the guidance laid out for them to complete the plan.

It doesn't seem like they have.

Both parents input should be reviewed.

If your ex is going to have them then he needs to be prepared to jump through hoops too.

It also doesn't seem like they have considered the voice of the child, your son in it at all.

Definitely chase the CAMHS referral done by Barbados and once you find out get that on there. CAMHS can complete NDD assessments and also represent your son's views to some degree if he engages with them.

I would contact Family Rights Group for advice.

https://frg.org.uk/get-help-and-advice/

I am so sorry to hear this, such a kick in the teeth when you have been the main caregiver. Sometimes when I have seen this happen at work, I have noticed that schools tend to extend more help to the father (like he is a saviour) l.’only seen this happen a couple of times. How does your daughter feel about this? I wonder if their is an argument for them not to be together as respite for her.

Their relationship won’t survive this! I don’t think your ex will be able to see it through. He didn’t seem to engage with professionals. I hope it won’t be too long until you are vindicated, and please remember that if you are really low, please call the Samaritans xxx

Choconuttolata There wasn't much on the plan to begin with
Parenting courses, family solutions & breakfast club for their dads mornings.

The Senco was questioning what happened to the '2nd' NDD referral, she seemed to think that it was still 'Active', the Social worker asked me if I was aware of this? So I said that it was refused but Barnardo's never informed anybody until I chased them up last October. So I've been aware since October that it ISN'T active.

Everybody just stared at me. So I said to the Social worker 'I sent you the email from Barnardo's, saying that he's no longer on the list'... & she said 'Lets move on'.

So when I did have something to say, I was dismissed. I've now sent the email from Barnardo's', to the SENCO, including the date when they sent it to me & when I sent it to the Social worker.

The CAMHS referral wasn't mentioned, so if the counsellor hadn't told me then I'd have no idea that it had been done.

They didn't mention my son's voice really at all.

Then it was just all praise for their dad.

They were all just nodding in agreement with everything that his dad said.

I felt like I was re-living all of my abuse, from him, only there were 4 other women witnessing it & cheering him along.

They did ask if he'd written anything for the NDD. I shook my head without looking up. That will somehow be my fault though.

I am not going to the next meeting.

imip Yes, I'm struggling tonight. I didn't expect it to be him Vs me, I know it's supposed to be us as a united front, but it was absolutely 'Dad has come & fixed everything because mum is useless'.

The kids are all up for dads massive new house of course. Everybody is. He is the hero & I am nothing.

I have a pda-er and I’m sorry to say, I have found no professional able to help nor understand.

I would have a think about his sensory profile, google “asd sensory profile” and go through it in detail things you can identify then minimise for him.

use declarations in language not demands.

inhale the entire pda society website and sunshine support are also good.

Thank you Mouldyfoot. Yes I try to do PDA parenting but his dad can do better.

I think you need to speak to the counsellor about this because it seems to me as if social care are biased and colluding in what appears to be subtle parental alienation as a continued form of his efforts to undermine you.

As the result of his abuse towards you, you believe now you are not worthy when in reality it is him who has not been worthy of you or your children because of his behaviour. You are the best thing for your children, you are always putting them first even at expense of your own wellbeing. When has he done that?

Social care are looking at it as cheaper for them to go down this route with their funding so tight, but it may not be in your son's best interests to be uprooted from his main emotional anchor, you in the long term.

His Dads behaviour towards him when he is displaying typical NDD type behaviour is also worrying because he seems unable to recognise that this is communicating a need and sees it as immature/chastises him for it. How will his Dad manage this when he goes to secondary school which will be even harder for him?

There is a charity that works with mothers apart from their children who might be of help. Also I would speak to Women's Aid.

https://matchmothers.org/about-matchmothers

Choconuttolata It's so cruel because his dad won't get on with it & actually take them. I'm not good enough but I'm good enough until he can get his house sorted.

He also 'Didn't even know it was the school holidays' when I asked him 2 days ago, what his plans were next week, yet today he told them all that he's having the kids from Wednesday-Sunday, my son is at half day computer clubs Tuesday-Wednesday (his choice) I had told his dad this. So I will now barely see him at all next week

And there was a comment from the social worker, about a day out, that she 'Wouldn't want to do that on her own with the 2 kids'... So praising him for having a partner. Again. & making me feel unworthy for not having a partner. Again.

I can't fight anymore.

The counsellor isn't always on my side. Last time, he wanted me to tell him all about my ex's childhood, so he can find out why he acts the way he does now.

I didn't want to spend half my session talking about my ex. But maybe I'm wrong there.

I just can't get away from him at the moment.

<HUGS> Struggles, just keep on treading water and then give him enough rope ... It will be interesting to see of he does actually come through or suddenly finds some excuse why he can't do it. Next week will tell if he is actually having them. Also view it as a break for you to get some rest. I know you will miss them, but they will also miss you too and that might be a good thing for your DS to realise.

Choconuttolata I don't want to be without them. They are my babies

Maybe counsellor seeks to understand your ex's childhood so he can understand why he behaves towards your son in the way he does too. Often your childhood experiences colour how you parent as well as your romantic relationships. This would also help him help you respond to your ex's behaviours in a way that gives you back your power too. Try not to see it as taking sides, he is your counsellor not your ex's.

@StrugglesSadness I'm sorry you're going through this.

If this arse of a man can't manage to get them to breakfast club, I suspect he'll very quickly be unable to cope with the reality of parenting day-to-day. Like so many abusive men, he seems to have skills in manipulating women, but not many skills in actually stepping up when needed.

You are a great mum and I'm sorry that the people meant to be helping you are being sucked in to his manipulation.

For what it's worth, your descriptions of your son's challenges really do sound consistent with ASD with a PDA profile.

I know Struggles and your son and daughter still need you very much. You son hugged you for reassurance at the sports event and needed you last night when he was distressed. You are their Mum, no one can take that place.

Also if you would like a counsellor who has more experience with domestic abuse who is nothing to do with the situation with your son this charity offers free sessions.

https://womanstrust.org.uk/what-we-do/individual-counselling/

Choconuttolata The other day, he was just chatting generally to his sister & said something about his dad's wife & said 'She is our mum too'.

That just about sums it all up doesn't it. Me being replaced.

I gave my daughter a big cuddle yesterday before they went to their dads (just for last night) & my son came & joined in too, & I didn't ever want to let go.

But then, I've chosen for them to go. It's for the best, so I can't complain.

I can hurt though.

I didn't mind talking about my ex's childhood (which was awful) but I minded that it took half the session, & I minded that his behaviour towards my son & daughter then seemed to be excused.

I think adding a second counsellor for me right now would just confused things but thank you.

Scirocco I imagine that his wife will do most of it. She even did my daughter's hair the other day (but he won't mention that at the meeting)

And she got a whole load of sympathy for having to commute back to her workplace, now that they are looking to move to our town, instead of hers (But it was fine for my children to be 2 & a half hours from me, if contact had stayed the same, & my son had announced to me 'You will have to get the train or something to pick us up') And she got invited to the meetings but 'She can't because she Works' (subtle dig at me)

I've not even told my mum, the one person who I speak to about this, about any of the last few weeks, because last time she was wanting to storm into the school & have a go at everybody, & that isn't going to help anything. So now I'm keeping quiet. It's lonely though.

Thank you for all of the support everybody. You've all been very kind.

I can't make any decisions. I just stood in a daze in the shop & couldn't work out what to buy. I also feel like I can't feel my body. It's a weird sensation. I felt it in the night when I was typing on here. Almost like when you get pins & needles & you go kind of numb.

I walked off & left my sunglasses & one shopping bag at the till. Then I went to walk the wrong way home for some reason. Don't know where I was going. Maybe subconsciously I was trying to run away.

I stood there at the side of the road trying to work out what I was supposed to be doing. Running through these scenarios in my head of where I could have been going. Shopping bags should have been a clue.

The counsellor isn't available to talk until tomorrow.

I messaged Sendiass yesterday & asked if they can help me with anything further.

I'm fighting against everything that I have, just to function.

They came back from their dads with 5 minutes to spare today so it was a big rush. My son was in a lovely mood though.

Struggles this to me is sounding like I did when I had PTSD and you need support to help you with this. It is not really something that is easy to manage on your own because it is hard in this state to re-regulate your nervous system yourself.

It is like a shutdown you see in ASD, your nervous system is just so overwhelmed that you cannot think because your system is in fear and flight.

Counselling is not the best for PTSD, but if you speak to the counsellor about this he may know who is best in your area to help. Can you complete a self referral or get GP to refer you?

https://www.ptsduk.org/causes-healthcare/

Self referral link here:

https://www.wellbeingnands.co.uk/suffolk/self-help/post-traumatic-stress/

Thank you Choconuttolata. I don't know, but I don't care what is happening to me.

The counsellor is giving me an extra session tomorrow.

My poor son came out of school in floods of tears, his LSA bought him over to me & explained that he's had a really bad day (several different 'bad' things had happened, one involving the other pupils, & it was just all too much for him) & he's exhausted too. He was pushing me away, not speaking to either of us, just crying & wanted to hide in the corner of the playground. He's not done that since year 5.

It was very hard to have a normal conversation with his LSA. Hard to speak to an adult at that school when I'm sooo upset with them all, & I feel like any trust that I had with all of them, is broken.

The Senco answered my email about the '2nd' NDD referral, with just 'Thank you'.

My son is very quiet & tearful tonight.

He is probably just exhausted, most kids are at the end of term and this has been a very stressful term for him with mock SATS and everything else.

Let him go into his safe place and keep things low demand while he is this emotional and low in energy.

Here DS tried to go into school for the last day, only managed a half day as he spiked another fever and school phoned DH to collect him. It was good for him to go in even for a short while and see his class before the Easter holiday though.

In other news I passed my exam 😅

Choconuttolata He is exhausted but it was also change of routine (change for their last day & then it changed again today) & an incident with the other children not being kind to him.

Your DS is really going through it lately isn't he! I'm glad he managed a little while though.

Well done on passing your exam! Brilliant news

You celebrating tonight?!

Not really a drinker, but might have a small amount of 🍷 and then hopefully some more sleep than I have had in the last two weeks!

Ah so LSA and teacher must be aware that a change in routine contributed to this today for him. Ensure that the SENCO is notified in writing too of what occurred or if you want to hold of just make a log of the date and what occurred so you can in future if you need to. Request that it is put on his IEP that changes of timetable are discussed beforehand with him and yourself and that he may require more support when changes occur.

Hope he can relax now he is at home.

Choconuttolata Aah well I hope you enjoyed it, you definitely deserve it!
I'm not much of a drinker either but I raised a glass of Coke to you

Unfortunately, he wouldn't say what 'else' had upset him (but I knew there was something else, other than the thing with the other pupils, that the LSA told me about) it wasn't until she left us & I asked what else had happened, & then he sobbed even harder & said about the change. So that will just be put down as him 'Being upset about coming home' I expect, as it has before at home time...

Or that he was really upset about this thing with the other pupils & not bothered about the change (just going by what they've said to me previously)

I let him stay up late tonight. Wasn't sure what to do for the best as, obviously he's exhausted, but tonight the only thing that was calming him was the TV (Sometimes any type of screen doesn't work at all) but it did tonight so he stayed up with me & watched a film.

I'm just hoping that this thing with the other pupils isn't the start of him being bullied again.