Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

Thank you Choconuttolata. I'm sorry to hear that you suffer too. I've tried various painkillers over the years but they never made much difference so I do paracetamol & the cold cloth now. I get vertigo with them too, I've never actually been sick with one but the nausea is horrendous, & the laying on the cold bathroom floor actually seems to help! Also I think it's just pressure across my forehead that helps, rather than the cold cloth as such.

It's just a dull ache now, luckily, as sometimes they last all through the next day. I just need to try & not get too stressed out today. Ha!

Yes, my son is opening up a little bit, in his own way. I'm so proud of him for making it through the week, & for being able to tell me that he was hurting emotionally then. We were just eating lunch & he 'seemed' perfectly fine so it just shows what turmoil he has in his mind.

He got a little upset when I was only able to read him a few pages of his book but I couldn't even sit on his bed properly as my head was spinning, so I promised him I'd read extra today.

His dad bought them back, full of pride yesterday, boasting that there had been a couple of incidences where him & his wife separated the 2 of them & it was all amazing... He kept going on about that at the last school meeting & they asked if that works with me. I said 'I don't know because it's just me isn't it'.

Honestly, way to make me feel crap about myself & my choices. I've chosen to stay single for the last 7 years (or if I do date, they aren't going to be around my kids) because things are hard enough for my poor son, without adding another adult into the mix, & when I told the Social worker this, when I first met her, she said 'Thats you being a good mum'.

But then comments like that, & him being hailed as flipping super-dad because there's 2 of them, really upset me last time & yesterday with his dad saying it again, feels like a kick in the stomach

Sorry, that's a bit of a rant.

Rant away. It is not your fault that this is happening you do separate the kids when they argue, but can't split yourself in two to be with them both at the same time when you do, so it will always be different. It is like comparing apples and oranges and pointless because it doesn't help you and DC. If his Dad can manage it better then great, he can have them more then to take the burden off you.

You are doing the right thing by not bringing any new adult into their life that would add to the emotional impact on them.

Hope your head is feeling better today and school run has gone ok this morning. Managed to get a GP appointment for DS for this afternoon after trying for over half an hour.

Thank you Choconuttolata. I don't know why he has to make such a big deal of it. (Other than to make me feel bad)

It just all adds to my feeling that their dad would do a better job now. He has got a partner & I've seemingly messed up there too.

I'm glad you (finally) got your appointment, hopefully that goes as well as it can do.

Today was good, I let my son go & play in the garden even though it was early. I'm sure the neighbours would rather hear him playing nicely out there at 7.30am than everything that will follow if he's upset.

He's mainly worried about this school trip tomorrow, for this week.

The people that Sendiass advised that may be able to come to the school meeting with me, work for Social care themselves but in different departments.

They've just got back to me & said that somebody should have called me on Friday. So sticking to the pattern with Social care then, I've had no phonecall

She did say that she will phone school for me. I said 'Phone them then but they will just say there's nothing more that they can do'.

His Dad will make a big deal out of the few small things he does because that is all he does, so he has to talk up the things he does do to disguise what he doesn't.

Glad this morning went ok and that he was able to play and self calm before school.

My son hates trips too, such a long day all out of routine and lots more noise. He has one next month sometime and is already worrying about it. He is in bed at the moment, but smiley because his 1:1 TA from school is going to call him later, he was crying saying he missed them yesterday so I asked if they could speak to him.

Choconuttolata Yes, you are probably right. I don't know if he's going to the next meeting or not but I'm sure he will this time, to share his triumph from one day of parenting.

That's so lovely about the TA calling your son. Such a small thing but will (hopefully) make him happy

I have my son's report & it says that he has been doing extra forest school sessions since the Autumn. He hasn't been doing these, I havn't been sending him in forest school clothes for those days so I know that he hasn't done them, & he read his report himself & asked 'What does this thing about extra forest school mean? I havn't done any extra ones? When do they say that I did these, because I havn't'.

So that's weird.

They told me that my daughter is going to start doing them, but she hasn't started yet, & they never mentioned it for my son.

It also says that despite daily check-ins from his teacher & his LSA every morning, & a further one from the Senco following a difficult evening/morning, all he will say is that he is 'fine' & 'Refuses to discuss anything further'.

I knew this, but I was still kind of hoping that it might say that he'd said something to somebody.

It still just says SEND Level - SEND Support.

Probably worth getting the report corrected. Would he like extra direct school? It can be quite therapeutic

Hearti Yes, it reads like they are saying that he is having more support than he actually is, & I'm not having that.

He loves forest school, he was asking when the extra sessions would be (which, of course, I don't know because school havn't said anything to me)

So he was a bit upset because he couldn't understand why his report was 'wrong' & also he wanted to know, if he is going to be offered extra sessions, if they would mess up any of his other lessons/extra jobs at lunchtime etc, that he already does.

It’s a bit of professional gas lighting, isn’t it?

I bet the school has seen policies on their website and they mention the graduated approach. They are not following this as the targeted support is not working and they should be brining external professionals in to provide advice on how to support him.

i would ask school for a timetable of these sessions to alleviate your son’s concerns.

Thank you imip. I've emailed the Senco. He's also listed as still having his meditation sessions, which he has been 'refusing to do' & school confirmed this, back at the last meeting.

I'm not sure how that goes with it still being listed though, as it's him that's refusing.

Hopefully I will hear back from the other people today re somebody to come to the meeting with me.

The other people I was hoping to hear from, 'Specialist education services', said that they spoke to the SENCO & she said that she will let them know if they need any support with my son.

Then she told me to contact Sendiass. Who already gave me their details so it's going in circles & I still have nobody to come to the meeting with me

I have a session with the counsellor later. Choconuttolata, I hope your son is ok.

Well done for challenging the school report. Just writing something in order to tick a box to say they have done something when they haven't is not helpful. I have to challenge my son's Ed Psych assessment previously, because they had him down as toilet trained when he was still in pull ups, school knew this as he had a changing plan.

Very frustrating going in circles because they are not seeing how his anxiety about school is a major trigger for his behaviour at home.

Have you spoken to IPSEA for advice?

https://www.ipsea.org.uk/advice-line

Also Pohwer in your area.

https://www.pohwer.net/community-advocacy

There are other people that might offer support for a fee.

https://sends.org.uk/about-us

https://sendhelpyou.co.uk/services

https://www.empoweringsendfamilies.co.uk/contact-6

Hope the session with the counsellor goes ok today.

Thank you Choconuttolata. The Senco simply said that I will have to ask his teacher, so helpful as ever.

I kept trying to get on the IPSEA live chat, but could never get through & had forgotten about them.

The counsellor told me to take some kind of a fidget toy & give myself something to concentrate on when the words are hurting me. I told him that I always get given a visitors lanyard & instead of putting it round my neck, I use that for this purpose. Their dad queried this at the last meeting & I told him that I need it in my hands.

He asked what I am worried about saying & I said that I'm pretty resigned to the fact that I'm not going to say anything, it's more being able to defend myself when they make everything about my bad parenting, & that's why I wanted somebody with me who was on my side.

He gave me some phrases to remember about being stronger than I know & said that he believes in me... It will be little comfort but nice of him to try.

We went half an hour over time.
He asked if I would do something for myself tonight & I said 'There's no point'.

I'm full of that nervous energy but my son is ok. His trip went well I think. He was in a VERY funny mood when he came out of school (funny as in on the verge of) but he decorated his room when they got home, I kept his sister away (the plug socket & door was fixed today so their room is tidy-ish for a change!) He spent ages putting streamers & decorations up over the ceiling & it made him happy

Sossen also have live chats and are very good. And free drop in advice sessions, which I used long ago with dd.

Or you could try contact:

https://contact.org.uk/help-for-families/information-advice-services/other-ways-to-get-advice/our-helpline/

So after I posted yesterday we almost tipped in to meltdown. All credit to my poor son, he held it in. It was literally on the cusp. He burst into tears & announced that he wasn't going to school anymore & instantly became aggressive screaming 'Shut the fuck up! You can't make me go!' & standing over me (we were laying on my bed after he'd just put his P'J's on & his sister was in their bedroom getting ready for bed)

So I sat up & on to the edge of my bed (near the door to block him from his sister) & I calmly said 'I didn't say anything. You have 2 more days at school, can I do anything to help?' (this tends to go down better than asking if he wants to tell me what upsetting him) he stayed standing there for a few seconds glaring at me & clenching his fists.

Then suddenly he's curled up in a ball back on my bed sobbing & I cuddled him. After a while, the sobbing lessened, & I said that I'd go & get his sister ready for bed & did he want to stay in my room with a blanket? He asked to go to bed at the same time so I read him some extra pages of his book & he settled. He's so tired.

Now today. I'm so nervous!
Last night wasn't as bad as the night before the meeting that didn't happen, I did have the radio on all night to try & calm my mind, I also went through the things that the counsellor told me. I got a little sleep & did have a nightmare about being lost but the kids were with me which was different, so I didn't wake up quite so distressed.

Usually I'm lost alone & can't get to my children.

I'm counting the minutes until I have to leave. I don't want to go. I really, really don't want to do this. It's too hard.

I suppose the worst that will happen is they will rip my parenting to shreds. Their dad will be the hero. Nothing different to what has happened previously. I'm just scared.

@StrugglesSadness Having read what you've posted here, you are a great mum and your children are so fortunate to have you fighting their corner. I don't think many people could do as much as you're doing, as well as you're doing it. All the people who are criticising you and not helping aren't living what you and your children are living, and I doubt they'd be able to do any better in your shoes. You are a great mum.

Thank you Scirocco That's really kind of you to say & I appreciate the support.

I'm not going to be doing much fighting today, just keeping my head above water & making sure that nothing gets any worse for my son.

Sometimes keeping our heads above water is the win for the day. I'm rooting for you.

So I've just been sent an email from the Social worker updating the 'plan' & the only negative on there is that I've not attended these wellbeing cafe visits, which happen just after school drop-off once a week & they are all the way across town so by the time I got there on 2 buses, they'd be nearly finished as it's only on for an hour & a half.

All of the parenting courses that their dad was asked to do, & has done none, are not listed as a negative.

(I've done mine, for the umpteenth time)

Their dad doesn't have to take them to breakfast club because he can't do our daughter's hair (this is actually an accepted reason, although he puts it in a ponytail on his weekends just fine)

The only negative is me.

Oh & the counselling reads like it was this terrible, awful, traumatic thing for my son. (Funny that, since I pushed for it & the Social worker was against it before it even started)

The counselling had to be done so that my son could be put back on the list for the NDD service. That was the agreement with Barnardo's. However, there is NO MENTION of the NDD referral on the plan

Why did they send me this now?

I can't do this.

That is a pathetic reason for their dad to not do breakfast club. If he's got two hands, he can brush a child's hair and put it in a ponytail. FFS, my DH is better at hairstyling than I am. This is weaponised incompetence on his part, enabled by services.

You are not the negative there. The negative in relation to the wellbeing cafe is that services have directed you towards a resource that you can't realistically access. It could be the best cafe in the world, but if you have no way to get there, then there's no point in them telling you to go to it. Unless they'd be willing to fund and arrange taxis (and I suspect the answer to that would be no).

And their dad has just messaged me randomly asking if I'm ok... So he has received that email too & knows damn well that I won't be ok after reading it

Thank you Scirocco, you are very kind.

It's done.

Their dad can walk on water. They are all fully on board with him being the main parent going forward.

The NDD form hasn't been sent in.

Family solutions are visiting their dad with the children next week, no mention of her not seeing us for 6 weeks.

I sat staring at the table, barely contributed. Not that anybody noticed as it was all for their dads views really.

Family solutions at one point said to me that my views are valid. I said 'No, they aren't'.

I wish that I wasn't here anymore.

Just give it time. Let's see how well SuperDad and SuperStepmum handle the two of them full-time. I'm sure the novelty of having to keep separating them won't take long to wear off. Enjoy your break x