Trauma or Autism or neither.

[StrugglesSadness]

Firstly, I apologize for the length.

My son first started displaying worrying behaviour when he was 1.5. Flying into a rage & not being able to calm down for hours & hours. By 3, I asked for help, I did parenting courses & learned he suffers from anxiety.

Sister born.

Age 4 me & his dad split up. He was was still around a lot, we still had family days out. My son witnessed some shouting between us. It wasn't all harmonious.

By the age of 6 the behaviour had turned violent towards myself. I'm walking on eggshells. Anything sets him off. A Caff was opened. Anxiety was noted. Advice like 'Just walk away' leading me to wander around the house carrying my 2 year old, for hours. Exhausting myself & being attacked constantly from behind.

Covid. Home schooling, if my son can see the work there on the laptop, then he has to get it done. He won't have a break or rest if he can see work there.

Age 8 2nd Caff opened. This Support worker put all of the blame on myself & I agree. Support worker tells me not to cry in front of my son as it 'Makes him think that I am weak'. I am weak.

Behaviour is now absolutely horrendous. Leaving the home, extreme violence. Talks about wanting to kill himself. Gets hold of knives & uses anything he can as weapons. My heart is breaking for my son. Violence extends to his sister.

This lovely school worker mentions Autism & PDA. (She has left now. Beyond gutted) Maybe I can finally make things better for my son... Support worker is having none of it. Constantly tells me that meltdowns are happening because my son is 'Tired/hungry/bored/it's normal' Etc. Etc.

I complain to her manager & ask for the Caff to be closed if that's all the help she's going to be. Caff has been opened for a year & a half, we get a new support worker & keep it open.

New worker is on board with the 'Possible autism'. Tells me it's not my fault.
School is a bit... 'There's a few things going on but nothing of much concern, however, we are concerned re his behaviour at home. (Also, sister is crying in class & tells them that he hurts her)

so (almost done!) Here we are now. We are having family therapy sessions & the therapist has decided that my son is suffering from trauma due to his dad leaving, & that it's nothing like autism. He's dropped this bombshell on me.

I'm not sure where to go from here. When I google, there's clearly overlaps between autism/Trauma. How do I know which one it is? (If it's any) what do I do?

Obviously the thought of my son walking around traumatised is just horrendous. How can I help him? Surely if it's trauma then he needs counselling or something?

I know that nobody on here can actually tell me, I just feel so lost.

Thank you Choconuttolata. I hope you are having a better day today? How's your son?

I've ordered a camera.

I'm currently googling for some type of (cheap!) handy man who can come & help me fix everything that is broken in the house.

Hi Struggles, DS is pretty much the same. DD2 is also still poorly.

I am here procrastinating because I have a big exam next week to revise for that is stressing me out. Being tired is not helping me concentrate, aarghh!!!

I need two of me, so that one can rest while the other does stuff. Not going to happen unfortunately.

Well done on getting the camera, it is your choice what you do with the footage, but at least if you have multiple episodes at different dates and times it will show a pattern. Maybe if you have the energy keep a diary to go along with it where you can put how the school day was and any triggers you managed to identify for the meltdown.

Hope you can find a local person who can help you out.

Thank you Choconuttolata. I feel like today was a complete wasted day as I've not rested as I was so worked up, & I've not done anything in the home either.

You need a robot version of yourself, to give the 'real' you a break!

I emailed somebody recommended by Sendiass & asked if they might be able to come to the meeting with me.

The counsellor text to wish me good luck & strength for today, so I told him that it's cancelled & how much I've struggled with it (he knew I was stressed about it anyway, when we spoke about it the other day he said 'You already looked extremely sad today but when you mentioned this meeting, your face dropped even more')

He's said that we can have a session before the meeting next week & he wil help me with some coping strategies.

I put a message on 'Nextdoor' asking about a handyman.

So basically just messing about on my phone.

Although I did go out to the shops, I'm still struggling with that feeling that all the neighbours are watching/judging me. Yesterday was probably the easiest day in that respect, as we were out of area & I was with their dad so felt 'safer' with another adult (twat that he is)

I do already keep a diary of everything, although it's lacking lately as I just don't have the mental energy to keep writing it, & there's that strong feeling of 'What's the point?'

Wishing you luck for your exam next week! Such a stressful time for you

Yeah I was thinking that I need a robot me, like the ones in the series Humans.

Not surprised you are needing to retreat and regroup. Hard to do anything when you are overwhelmed. I like watching light and fluffy TV when I get like that as it helps my nervous system calm down again.

Choconuttolata Oh I remember those. Creepy things. Maybe I should get one of those to go to the meeting for me.

Fingers crossed your children start to feel a bit better. Must feel like ages to you all.

I can't really find anything to 'Settle' myself when I'm this upset. It's horrible. Full of nervous, anxious energy.

It's that weird feeling of 'No resolution' to anything. The meeting is still coming up & I still don't know what is going on with the NDD referral & the SATS aren't finished yet & I don't know if their dad will have them...

I think that's what was wrong with the counselling the other day. Usually, I can find some peace with something or other that we chat about, but there isn't any to be had right now.

He said that I remind him of my son when I'm suspicious of the Social worker being nice to me. Well yes, because it's so unusual, it has to be a 'Here is a nice thing, but here, following is a MASSIVE awful thing'. & in my mind, that thing is going to happen at the meeting.

Being in limbo with no resolution in sight is hard. I too would be suspicious of the social worker given all that she had said and done/not done so far.

How were things after yesterday, your son had two exams I believe?

At least SATS week is nearly finished and the rest of the year is lighter in demand. Although it still may be challenging if they do a business enterprise project which involves group work.

Thank you Choconuttolata How are your children today?

The Sats are finished for now. Then there is one more lot in May.
My son has done so well this week. It's been our best 'Sats week' yet. Last night & this morning weren't too bad at all.

He did snap at me when I said it was his last day (of the school week, I always say this on a Friday) but today he said 'Well it's not is it, don't forget I still have to suffer all of next week too'. So he's clearly very worried about things still.

We also have the 'Residential trip' coming up In June (As a well done for finishing the Sats)

That's going to be a huge stress, he only stopped obsessing over it as he had all of these SATS to worry about instead.

I'm feeling awful today. Really struggling with the mental load of all this. I keep trying to tell myself that this next meeting will be the same as all the others, grit my teeth, sit there for an hour & then it's over. But SO much has happened since the last one.

So much has been said about my parenting.
I'm sticking with their dad having them. He can have the negativity from now on.

I did hear back from the people that I emailed yesterday, asking if somebody can come to the next meeting with me, & they said that they will get back to me.

Hi Struggles,

Younger kids improving here, DD2 back in school and DS no longer having fevers finally. DH poorly and in bed a bit delirious with a fever now and DD1 in bed since coming home from school.

Your son is getting better at vocalising his distress to which is good. Not great that he is still so stressed about the week ahead. My son also says that quite a lot especially on a Friday when he can finally let go a little after having 'coped' all week. I am not looking forward to Monday because he has been off now poorly and it will be harder than a usual Monday morning going back in for him now.

Re: stress see this article and the image I uploaded. The mental load and stress is huge.

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10803-009-0844-y

I hope the people you contacted might be able to support you at the next meeting.

Thank you Choconuttolata. I'm glad that some of you are feeling better. Hopefully it's not too rough going for your DH (& I hope you are able to get some rest too)

I didn't hear from them any more so hopefully Monday.
I thought about asking the Senco for a chat before the meeting but she wasn't in today & I'm not actually sure if that would help.

My son got a prize for his behaviour this week at school, so he came out with a smile on his face, which is rare!

That’s a relief about SATs being over, apart from one exam

Hearti The main ones are on for another week in May, my son has been calling these ones 'The big ones' so I've gone along with that in the hopes that he won't pick up on the pressure so much with the main ones. These have all just been mocks. There seems to have been so many of them!

Huge sigh of relief from me, that this week is done though!

All eyes on Sunday. Normal 'Meltdown day' & after the last Sats he had a 'Shutdown'. His dad has messed with the contact days this weekend too so that's more upset for him.

I'm not asking anything with this post, just getting my thoughts out.

Reading on another thread about how abusive behaviour from children can be 'excused' under anxiety.

The last meltdown, my son randomly started ranting at me about how I have no friends, nobody wants to spend time with me & even the school mums only chat to me until somebody they like better comes along, & then they ignore me in the playground.

This bothered me for 2 reasons. 1 because it feels like he's been 'Watching' me from his classroom, over-looks the playground, to observe this. And that feels creepy.

And 2, because his dad used to throw my 'Lack of friendships' at me all the time, in a really cruel, unkind way. Eg, we'd argue about, say, chocolate, & he'd somehow turn it into hurling abuse at me about my lack of friends, & this chat from my son reminded me of this.

But I excuse it, with my son, as 'He can't help it/doesn't mean it'.

Your son seems to be displaying behaviour learned from his father towards you and this something that is seen in children that have experienced domestic abuse in the home environment. This is why he and your family need extra support and counselling for the trauma as well as specific support for NDD.

https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/how-pegs-help

Thank you Choconuttolata. I'm not sure, he was just 5 when his dad moved out & he's never mentioned friendships before.

I spoke to PEGS before but I can't remember the outcome tbh, I think I did a few sessions with an online support group through them but all the women knew each other & were chatting about their very wealthy lifestyles so I just listened & didn't do any after the 2nd.

Separate but related thing, the other day his sister asked why me & their dad don't live together & he said to her 'Because mum hates dad, you can see she does because she doesn't talk to him'.

Everything. Everything. Is always my fault.

My DH remembers events from things that happened in his home before his Dad left when he was 4 years old. Even if they don't remember concrete events there is the emotional impact and how it impacts their behaviour. Then there is how he has seen their Dad interacting with you or talking about you during handovers or at his Dad's house.

It is so hard because you try not to impact their relationship with their other parent and exacerbate their trauma by telling them about the reasons for the split, but that unfortunately often means the parent who was the victim takes the blame for the split.

Have you ever posted on the relationship board? It might be helpful as there are many people who have gone through domestic abuse situations on there with children who are dealing with similar issues. You could do it under a name change if you want to keep the two threads separate.

Oh yes I know he will absolutely remember Choconuttolata I just wondered about the specific friendship remarks. I tell every professional that he heard anger & shouting.

I posted when we'd first split & everybody used to say how much better things would be for me once we weren't so enmeshed... You can't really get away from them though when you have kids, & the abuse carries on towards me in different forms now.

My son's thoughts & feelings on why we split are absolutely valid, it's just difficult for me to always get the blame when I was the one who begged & pleaded not to split (because I was that pathetic) My daughter was only a couple of months old.

I didn't respond the other day, I pretended that I didn't hear. I've told my son many, many times that there wasn't one person to blame for the split.

We spent all morning together Wednesday at his event anyway, & those things are important.

He may be overhearing his Dad and his new partner talking.

He may be projecting how he feels about his relationships with his peers onto you possibly too.

It must be hard to be on the receiving end of that from him and re-trigger everything for you. You did well to not react as that was clearly what he was looking for, he is testing your boundaries all the time as part of him trying to feel less anxious and more safe and secure. He is looking for one parent to be predictable, reliable and not volatile and that is you even if you do not feel that you are that person, you are.

It may also be a thing he does to try and push you away because he fears rejection and doesn't trust that you will be there because his Dad left. He could also have learnt to say these things to please his Dad. DH still has trust issues stemming from childhood trauma and DA, it is complex.

I would talk to the counsellor about it because he may have some ideas for how you can word a boundary and verbalise that you will not accept him speaking to you like that without him taking it as a rejection and escalating.

https://karenwoodall.blog/2022/12/15/what-lies-beneath-children-do-not-reject-parents-outright-because-they-are-abusive/

Thank you Choconuttolata Those are some good points that I hadn't thought of. It is bringing it all back to me & I hate it.

The counsellor hasn't really come up with any strategies that I havn't already tried, with my son yet. But it's ok because I don't really 'Need' him to come up with anything new, I just need to feel heard & to be able to see things from a different angle sometimes, & that's what brings me the fleeting 'Peaceful' feeling, that was missing last session.

The other day he gasped & I looked up at him on the screen & he said 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you, just as an outsider it's horrifying to hear how much physical violence you are living with'. & I just shrugged & carried on.

The emotional side is something else though isn't it.

My son is ok at his dad's, I've just heard. Normal sibling squabbles. So at least he's having a happy day, that brings me comfort.

How are things for you all,Choconuttolata?

Glad he seems to be ok at his Dad's.

For people who don't live with that much violence day to day it is shocking. It is good that the counsellor doesn't normalise it although it is something that parents of autistic kids often deal with hence the combat levels of stress seen in that study I linked you to.

Things ok here, DS still coughing, DD1 ok and DH improving.

Nearly finished some revising having been at it all day 🧠🤯

I am tired but less stressed which is good.

Thank you Choconuttolata. I'm glad you are a bit less stressed!

The few people I know with Autistic children's either have lots of other struggles but 'Not violence' or 'They used to be violent but after I really shouted at them once, they've not done it again'.

So it's very lonely for me on that side of things.

Yes it must be very lonely and people can be so judgemental of parents who have children that display difficult behaviour. Unless you have a child with additional needs that exhibits challenging behaviour it is hard to understand. Many people don't get that behaviour is a form of communication and is often an outward manifestation of an unmet need. Mainstream teachers and social workers don't often understand unless they have more SEND experience. In SEMH schools and SEND schools people are more aware.

Choconuttolata I told the counsellor that when the violence is prolonged & it's going on for hours, then I feel like at some point he 'Switches' into actually wanting to hurt me.

And I feel awful for even thinking it, but it is how I feel.

The counsellor was saying that once he's in high school things will be better picked up on, they will be able to 'see' it & we will get more support... I said that I'm not sure about that, because everybody said that we'd get more support if I contacted SS & once I did, all of our support was taken away & I'm now being judged as being an unfit mother.

Anyway, if their dad does as he's been asked, then high school will be with him as the main parent.

We have wildly different ideas of how high school is going to go, possibly because his dad never sees him upset before school, as he doesn't do any school-runs. But we will see.

I'm awake now as I had another horrible nightmare about everything.

Sorry not to get back to you before, I have been at work and got home to a poorly DS who is hot again. Got to take him back to the doctors tomorrow.

I would hope you get more support before secondary school, given the CAMHS referral. They should be seeing this level of violent behaviour in a primary age child as extreme.

If his Dad does have him more he will no doubt see it.

How has Sunday night gone?

Hi Choconuttolata I hope you are all ok, you never need to worry about getting back to me, honestly, I'm ok.

Tonight was ok. On the verge of, & very tearful all day today but we managed. He did some like sign language to silent tears on his face, one from each eye, & it broke my heart & I thought 'I feel exactly the same inside, silently tearful like that because I can't make things better for you, & you will never know how hard I fought for you'

I've got a terrible migraine & I'm feeling soooo sick (nauseous) so I'm currently laying on the bathroom floor, next to the toilet, with a cold flannel on my head.

Evidently, he is better at masking, this week, than I am!

I'm thinking of you & your family, I hope the drs is ok tomorrow.x

Poor little guy, he is getting better at communicating in some way his feelings isn't he.

I have migraines too, I get visual disturbances and vertigo with them, they are rough. Do you have any medication for them? I find hitting it hard with paracetamol, ibuprofen and sumatriptan early helps me. I also have those refreezable ice packs in the freezer to put on my forehead an the back of my neck.