Do you ever wish your DC had a more “wholesome” childhood?

[Coffeecoffeeinmytummy]

Ok hear me out. I have two DC only 2 and 4. But I’m already a bit disappointed in how I’m bringing them up and wishing their childhood was a bit more wholesome. Does anyone else feel like this? Or have you made a conscious effort to try and do this?

Its hard to explain what I mean. The obvious one is too much screen time… they are both obsessed and it’s a constant negotiation. The youngest is already a marketer’s dream and wants any tat with Peppa/Bluey etc on it. Eldest would spend all day on the iPad if I let her. I kind of wish I never let them start using it, and I definitely wish that they didn’t know YouTube and on demand tv existed!

So yeah in an ideal world I’d like them to spend less time on screens and more time playing particularly outside. They’re both quite reluctant to play outside and just ask to come back in for tv. I’m not necessarily bothered about them doing “educational” stuff as they’re so little and of course we have loads of books and toys like puzzles or more open ended things but they gravitate towards plastic tat and screens. We went to a national trust place the other day and had a picnic and everything felt so much better and I thought “this is the kind of parent I thought I’d be!” 😂

Don’t even get me started on food. Youngest shrieks with delight at the McDonald’s sign from a mile off. I’d love to cook more with them but it’s a right PITA if I’m honest and I always have to summon the courage to do it. Eldest would live off pizza.

Anyone else feel like this?! I know there are bigger things to worry about but I’d love to spend my time with them playing and growing veg and being outdoors and going for walks instead of watching Disney and eating sugary crap.

Feeling your pain here!
I’m a mum to an 8yr old DD and I’m not the type of mum I set out to be! I’m always feeling guilty but the one thing I can say is that I’m trying! I think expectation v reality is hugely different - accept that and you’re doing well!
screen time - as long as it’s managed then it’s fine! Sometimes we turn off her ability to watch YouTube (we just say it’s a technical hitch! Surprisingly, that works!) and we’ve been doing that since she first got her tablet at aged 3.
cooking - you mention pizza! That’s an amazing thing to cook with kids of all ages and very very easy! You can cheat and buy a pizza base mix and pizza sauce or you can find a recipe and make it together from scratch (we batch cook pizza sauce and dough then freeze but whatever works for you!). Make it together and then have some fun putting all the toppings on! Homemade pizza is healthier than shop bought plus you have wholesome time together making it (it is more expensive but you have an activity too!). If they have a particular vege that they enjoy on a pizza then you can say ‘why don’t we try and grow it!’ as an extension to your pizza making! Cooking other things may grow from there!! Either way, keep smiling - technology is part of daily life now so they have to learn to use it anyway (that’s my reasoning!) good luck!!

Exactly this!!!

What was your own childhood like? Because we had a fair bit of Disney, Nintendo, McDonalds every so often and I look back on it as a happy time!

I don't find it hard to just not give my kids sugary crap and salt laden takeaways. I don't live in the middle of nowhere but still find it easy not to sit my young kids in front of a screen all day.
It's easy to make excuses for lazy parenting... but that's all they are, excuses.

Same view here sorry.

Much harder to set limits once they are 8 and 10 and have got used to this. Start now. They will be stroppy for a while, but stand firm and will soon forget about McDonalds and Youtube at this age.

We don't do tv till 4pm. When my kids pester too much I take the TV off the wall for a few weeks and they very quickly just get used to it not being there, I'm always surprised actually.

Start putting your kids before work. Problem solved.

You have to make concentrated effort, get wholesome stuff to become routine and lead by example. Simple as telling the kids you're all going to clean the floor. You actually clean the floor, they get the old mop or a damp cloth and 'help'

Or just start making dough with no fanfare and when they notice and waddle over to see what you're up to you just pull up a chair for them to stand on and talk them through what to do. My four year old can basically make pizza from scratch at this point because we do it so much. The older two aren't interested in making dough anymore, but they love shaping the pizza still.

You have to indulge their interests too. Mine like insects, so we go to the library, look up what insects are in our area at the time of year. Then onto the woods with wellies, a thermos of hot chocolate and we turn over logs and rocks etc. Take what they're curious about and expand it, let them have some autonomy over it, so they feel empowered.

Always have playdough and mark making stuff freely accessible and encourage them to help themself, play properly and tidy up after. But don't rush them to tidy, if they need to do something else and come back to it later it should be there for them if possible. It's their home too and they shouldn't fear their projects being put away half done.

I mean even with all this mine have more screen time than they should, but it's all about balance. If your kids feel valued, loved and supported you have the most important things. It gets easier as they get older too.

We live in the country yes our son (10) tends to his chickens normally before we are even awake as he is in charge of them and he knows he has to do them before he does anything else along his other menagerie of pets and we are that family that have chicks in the sitting room and cucumbers growing in the kitchen. However yup still spends far too long on Roblox, you tube, video calling his friends etc. and we feel guilty about it. Our answer is he does love his sport we have picked a school where he does sport at least once a day plus break times and weekends he plays football on a Saturday and rugby on a Sunday out of school so that is lots of running around. Rugby particularly is s as great sport to get into as it is a few hours running around and parents socialise after while the kids play in the woods so we figure after that he is free to do what he wants. He loves really good quality food and trying new foods but have no problem with a Macdonald’s with the team after a rugby festival or a dominos when we can’t be bothered to cook, it’s all about balance.

I work full time and have two high needs children. This is what I do:

1. Set up the screen limits for each app on the ipad. The apps will stop working once reached.
2. McDonalds should be a treat not an expectation
3. Prep meals or batch cook so you always have something to work with.
4. We always go outdoors once a day as a family and it’s non-negotiable. The kids can decide where or what they want to do within reason. The older one likes to take her bike, the younger one likes to explore the woods for mini beasts - so we combine activities.

I think we’re pretty “wholesome” by your standards. Lots of outdoor time come rain or shine (TK Maxx have good waterproof clothes and boots for less money), no iPads and very limited TV time, no McDonald’s/Burger King etc.

I think the key is organisation, bit by bit. I lay out something for them to play with before I go to bed and direct them to that in the morning. Let them chop fruit for tomorrow’s breakfast the night before when there is more time. Take a pack-up with you out and about so you’re not trying to find food quickly. Obviously they do have too many plastic tat toys, love Peppa and eat the occasional crappy hot dog but we work quite hard to balance it out.

I don’t think you can overhaul everything at once but start small with a timer for the tablets so they can see how long they have left, and reduce it over time. Letting them help with food is hard but gets easier as they get more competent so persevere. Getting them outside often for short bursts so they learn how fun it is.

I sound like a smug twat but honestly this is as much for me as it is the kids and I’m trying to be helpful with tips. I hate being inside all day and am easily overwhelmed by noise so the idea of kids on the tablet constantly or TV on for hours makes me feel stressed!

I am exactly the same. I have two grown up children and. Also primary school kids the oldest ones born late nineties definitely had a more wholesome childhood. They played out a lot in the garden. Used to make things. I had to put on a video to settle them down. My younger two are screen obsessed. Different times. I try to restrict it a little and try to get out and about too to try and find a balance but the scales tip heavily to screens.

Sounds like an easy fix, remove devises get out to parks/woods, stop feeding them junk food and get cooking.

As a kid, my brothers m, sister and I watched constant Tv - from when we woke up until school, and then from when we got in until dinner and then after dinner we watched until bed time. We also had game boys, PlayStations etc. Now, two of us are PhDs, the other a successful actor, and a couple of teachers. We always say that much exposure to a single art form taught us a lot about the possibilities of form, creativity, artistic and narrative analysis etc. yes there were also a few wholesome things like occasional days out and holidays in the summer, but this idea that tv/screens rot the brain is not true. TV is not objectively different from reading lots or being absorbed in any particular activity. Just try to make sure your kids also have other opportunities. If they are loved, cared for and have their emotional and physical needs met they are likely to be more than fine.

I think you need to achieve balance rather than 'wholesomeness'. My DS is now late primary school age, he has days slumped on the couch followed by active busy days. He has tablet time, but is not allowed it 'on tap'. It evens out.

@Coffeecoffeeinmytummy

There have been lots of useful posts with good advice. Equally there have been lots that have misread your OP, and are judgey / smug.

Truth is, we all parent differently, usually in accordance with our own values.

Most of the time, our choices are fine, when if we look a bit askance at others (and they at us).

It's really easy to look at things in the abstract & think 'oh we should do more [NT picnics or whatever the example is]'. But day to day, I bet you are doing loads that is positive, engaged & building up your DC, and you probably don't give yourself credit! For example, your 4 yo might help set the table or 2 yo tidies the toys, they'll both look happily at a book or they'll tell you a story about what they watched on TV.

This might not sound 'wholesome' in the bigger sense of what you describe - but this is the stuff that matters! Kids that have engaged parents (like you!) and want to engage.

Of course, you're not wrong to want to review screen time or be outside more - but don't see it that you are doing anything 'wrong'. Also remember kids vary - I have 3 very active DC (now teens + pre-teen). They always need to be 'doing' & play a lot of sports as a result (like 7 days a week, multiple sports / clashes of training + fixtures). People think I'm mad - a working single parent with no support, constantly on the road / side of a pitch. But they love it. It's their 'thing'.

But when they have downtime & I do (eg Easter), they are a nightmare. They watch screens (fine) but can't cope without their sport, and 2 will resist alternatives (like a family walk); they fight & are hyper. I cried with frustration on Easter Sunday as no other adult & these wired kids.

So ... we look brilliantly active but our downside is we can't cope without activities.

No-one is perfect, and every child, parent & family has their downsides.

You can & should keep making changes, as they go through t childhood - I do all the time - some might stick, some might not - but I firmly believe the fact that you are asking questions puts you in the good parent camp & I think you're doing a great job in all that matters.

Great post! I echo this - you said it more succinctly & effectively than me!

Also, I grew up in the 80s. No TV till I was about 10. It was 'one channel' Ireland (I still would like to see Blue Peter & find out what that was all about!)

I read voraciously as did most of my siblings.

But I was so bored. So so bored.

My DP both worked really hard. Often in evenings / weekends (teacher + academic). They didn't care if we were looking for them, they didn't see any problem with leaving us to our own devices while they worked, and days out etc were pretty much unheard of. Standard for the time really. But they were good, interested parents in lots of other ways.

As a consequence, I was determined to be different. My 3 DC had so many days out, play dates, zoo trips, outings to town ... and now they are older, my 2 DSs often say they hated all my trips (like museum / exhibition etc) ... ! I don't regret doing them but I bet they'd have loved a few days doing nothing at all

So, regardless of your choices, the reality is you'll always get something wrong - while getting lots right!

I think part of parenting is always feeling like you're failing. You sound like you already have limits around screen time and junk food. We have what you might describe as a wholesome life - use our National Trust membership a lot, visit museums, go eco or wild camping, kids are great readers, play family games... They have about an hour on devices a day (more if we're overwhelmed), we end up at McDonald's more than I'd like! And if I let them they'd probably sit on screens all day!

If you liked the National Trust day out, get a membership, buy them NT passports to collect stamps and start visiting the ones near you. If they're happy and out the house they can't nag for screen time :)

And when you get home, allow yourself permission to be an unwholesome, completely normal parent.

I agree with katey. All this loads of tv rots the brain is probably bullshit. Loads of people I know watch lots of tv. I've seen, as we all gave good series, good films: good Clint Eastwood films, sopranos, got, Yellowstone. Everyone I know watches tv. Who truely believes it rots your brain. If you watch drivel, and do nothing else. Really it's just not true, is it?

I think there's a big difference between watching shows and movies on TV and watching YouTube for hours or going on a phone or ipad.

Yes, the shit on TV for kids (YouTube etc) very different from stuff when we were younger, it is vacuous nonsense and incredibly short, bite-sized programmes, designed to grab our rapidly declining attention spans. Same with stuff on phones and tablets. No two or three year old needs to watch this and they are certainly not watching ‘Yellowstone’. 😳🧐

If you want it op, make it happen (not meant in a sarcastic way)
Make a plan and find the right balance for your family

I completely understand as I try to do as "wholesome" as possible, but I'm sure there are much more wholesome than me but I know I am doing the best I possibly could and so I don't allow myself to feel guilty.

What are their favourite things to do other then screens ?
You say they don't have too much, so you are obviously comfortable with that, you say they don't have too much junk food, so you're happy with that. So I'm not sure what it is you are worried about.

I do think it's a bit odd at that age if you play games outside with them they just ask for Tv, are you giving them screens when they are "bored", so it's just habit when they get bored they ask for TV.

I think a good routine is a great thing to start. Our DS knows he is only allowed his I-Pad at a weekend and that's for 30mins in the morning. He gets a movie on a Saturday night. He can watch a milkshake programmes of a morning, and can watch one programme if he's eaten his tea in time , he is a touch older at 5, but knows when his TV time is.
I also make sure I'm not on my screens a lot while he's around as I don't want him thinking its healthy to be glued to a screen.

Maybe have key milestones in the day that they know after "this" happens its TV time, other than that it's colouring, playing with toys, games, den building, baking together, cooking tea together etc.
I do think it's good for children to get bored at times as they get creative and find ways to amuse themselves.

A few McDonald's every now and again won't do them any harm, but get them involved in making tea, it also helps teach them about healthy food and to look after themselves
I agree with you about changing the narrative as McDonald's is a treat, we tell our DS the truth, he can only have it occasionally because it's our responsibility to feed him healthy food, that's not McDonald's all the time.

I love having things written down, maybe do a little timetable for your time with the kids, I always find it's easier rather than thinking in the moment, so for EG, on Tuesday at 17.00 you have a walk around the block for 40 mins, take a tick sheet of things they need to spot, animals, numbers, birds, red cars, blue cars ....anything really.
At 16.00 on a Thursday you put wellies on and play in some sand outside, paint the bricks (just water), make a nest, bug hotel, bird box or get some chalk out for drawing.

It best to get anything you are concerned about now, nipped in the bud while they are younger, its much harder when they are older I'm told.