Do you ever wish your DC had a more “wholesome” childhood?

[Coffeecoffeeinmytummy]

Ok hear me out. I have two DC only 2 and 4. But I’m already a bit disappointed in how I’m bringing them up and wishing their childhood was a bit more wholesome. Does anyone else feel like this? Or have you made a conscious effort to try and do this?

Its hard to explain what I mean. The obvious one is too much screen time… they are both obsessed and it’s a constant negotiation. The youngest is already a marketer’s dream and wants any tat with Peppa/Bluey etc on it. Eldest would spend all day on the iPad if I let her. I kind of wish I never let them start using it, and I definitely wish that they didn’t know YouTube and on demand tv existed!

So yeah in an ideal world I’d like them to spend less time on screens and more time playing particularly outside. They’re both quite reluctant to play outside and just ask to come back in for tv. I’m not necessarily bothered about them doing “educational” stuff as they’re so little and of course we have loads of books and toys like puzzles or more open ended things but they gravitate towards plastic tat and screens. We went to a national trust place the other day and had a picnic and everything felt so much better and I thought “this is the kind of parent I thought I’d be!” 😂

Don’t even get me started on food. Youngest shrieks with delight at the McDonald’s sign from a mile off. I’d love to cook more with them but it’s a right PITA if I’m honest and I always have to summon the courage to do it. Eldest would live off pizza.

Anyone else feel like this?! I know there are bigger things to worry about but I’d love to spend my time with them playing and growing veg and being outdoors and going for walks instead of watching Disney and eating sugary crap.

They are the way they are because of you. You made choices to introduce these things to them
..nobody is born with the knowledge of McDonald's. No child automatically knows what an ipad is.

You decided on lazy parenting...only you can change it up

You can choose how you bring your kids up.

What matters more to you? An easy life or your kids growing up in a wholesome way?

2 and 4 is too young for screens and McDonalds in my view.

Caspianberg
Agree with you about having balance.

It's not the end of the world if we have take away or Macdonald's, and sometimes we put cbeebies on, but there's no way I'd have given a toddler an ipad to occupy them.

A lot of the issues are about boundaries (or lack of boundaries).

A parent who chooses to allow a tablet at certain times, under certain conditions, but is intentional in their decision making is going to have a different outcome than a parent who gives their young children tablets whenever they get restless or whenever they want some peace, as an alternative to thinking of how to engage their children.

They are 2 and 4, you run their lives and have total control.

Don't buy sugary crap and junkfood.

Stop going to fast food outlets.
Put away the ipad, tell them it broke.

Strictly limit TV time, no more than an hour a day.

you have a 2 and a 4 year old, they are living the dream and as a parent you are working hard to look after everything

they will look back on their childhood with happy memories of a loving parent, plenty of tv a bit f outside play and lots of love

I would say that setting time means your children learn to tell the time early.

In this house weekends and holidays screens are allowed before 9. The rest of the year they’re allowed usually after 4 but not allowed after tea.

this was where we moved back to after a lockdown with two parents working full time ish from home and three children under 8. That was Too Many Screens.

I think it's hard to do in this day and age, unless you live in the middle of nowhere or are in those isolated communities in America etc. Don't beat yourself up.. if they are loved, safe, have fun and can talk to you then you are winning.

It's how you decide to parent.

We don't live in the countryside in a big house with a garden and so on. We live in a terraced house in an ex mining village.

We are lucky that we have several beaches, country parks etc within a 15/20 minute drive however.

I often 'can't be bothered' but both children have had outdoor experiences.
Youngest loves a 'bear hunt', sandwiches on a picnic bench, feeding ducks and running through mud/puddles/sand.

He is 3, does watch TV, does not have a tablet and has a mix of good healthy food, but has the odd mcdonalds/pizza treat also.

It is about balance and to be honest the boundaries need to be in place whilst young before tablets and junk are a difficult battle to fight.

I'm in my 40s and didn't have a screen free, wholesome childhood. My kids are amazed that we only ever drank squash or kwik save fizzy pop instead of water.
Telly was always on, but dominated by dad's choice after 6. We had a sinclair zx computer for games, followed by Nintendo when I was about 12. Yes, we played out from v young, but only round the estate and the scraggy parks.

My kids have endured family walks, family bike rides, countless days out, properly cooked vegetables. I still have one screen addict and one outdoor kid. Although the outdoor kid is more resistant to walking distances (but they still do it).

It doesn't seem like a wholesome living issue, it sounds like a boundaries and choices issue.

Mine are now teens - and frankly do spend more time that ideal on devices - but they didn't have that option at 2 and 4.

I took them outside to parks on walks to groups and activities as much as I could as my parents really didn't with me. They couldn't safely play outside by roads so I tried to give them as much exposure as I could. How much they remember about that is very mixed.

I do have regrets I wished we hadn't been so stressed by lack of money, that we were part of the local crowd so other parents and kids would have wanted to do things with us - had that with first pfb but had to move to a very insular place, that we could have spent much less time later on doing support work - though that paid off for them so harder to regret but it was so hard at time.

However at these ages you do have so much more control - you just have to resist pester power and put firm boundaries/expectations in place.

OP, why not remove the bits you don’t like? I can see you’re unhappy about the brand recognition/obsession so remove those parts of life. Tell the kids the Disney app isn’t working - presumably they can’t yet use the remote! Direct them to CBeebies which at least has some educational value (some stuff anyway). Intercept any books you don’t like and put them away in a cupboard. Keep McDS for real treats like few times a year. I think rather than worrying about a wholesome childhood just take away the bits making you unhappy. Mine (5and 8) aren’t allowed youtube as I didn’t like it - sent my eldest potty with the constant stimulation and he got really unhappy watching these American families whose purpose on YouTube seems to be to live 100% amazing lives and constantly be opening new toys and stuff. I’m not crazy about McDS myself so we rarely go there. Maybe give it a go taking away the stuff annoying you?

If it’s any consolation OP, I was apparently obsessed with TV but I’m really not bothered now. (I do however spend a lot of time scrolling on my phone...) If I lived alone, buying a TV wouldn’t be a priority.

I would be glad they’re still very young so you can change things much more easily (it’ll still be a battle) than you’ll be able to when they’re 7 and 9. Eg Make McDonald’s a treat. It’ll be shortish term difficulty for you when they protest for long term gain hopefully.

"To be honest I expected a lot more people to feel similarly - among the people I know we seem quite average, most friends let their kids watch quite a lot of screens. McDs is always packed with young kids.

someone hit the nail on the head when they talked about spinning plates - we have very little local family or other support and we both work compressed hours to reduce the £ spent on childcare. We’re busy and tired."

So the OP only posted this to get some sympathy? There's always loads of posts on MN of this nature, people hoping to be told they're doing ever-so-well when things could perhaps be better.

Most of it comes down to choices you have made or are still to make. You can choose to limit screen time, you can choose to spend more time doing hands on parenting, doing crafts etc. rather than saying how "tired" you are.

This 👏

Its the relationships you make with them and the guidance you give for life that matter in the end.

I empathise, OP, it's so hard sometimes what with life going on, before you know it the days have just slipped by filled with more of the same screens and over-stimulation.

I always think, if it's so hard for me to give up my screen (and I'm an adult, with a phone addition), how hard must it be for a little kid with even less impulse control and even more vulnerability to dopamine spikes? No wonder they tantrum and demand it back as soon as it's not immediately available. It does, however, give me the hope and evidence that it's about getting used to not having screen access, as opposed to them actually inherently preferring screens than any other activity.

You say you and your partner are outdoorsy. What activities do you genuinely love doing outdoors? Have you tried integrating DC into those activities? If the full-on activities themselves are not child appropriate, they could still go to those environments with you, perhaps one parent could partake and the other parents and kids watch or just be around? Imparting genuine love and enjoyment of something always works much, much better than trying to get them to love something more generically.

They don't need tablets or TV. They are at an age where you can easily take that away and they'll get used to it.

I think it is great that you are thinking about this. The bad parents are the ones who don't ever question their own parenting. It is absolutely not too late, and I really relate to the whole having no family locally and having to do it all.

On a purely practical level, you have to carry snacks when you go out to make it easier to avoid the McDonald's. More than twice a month is definitely too much. For the screen time, you perhaps need to deliberately orchestrate it a little more, so it's more structured, and therefore off at certain times, rather than just thinking you are going to eliminate it. What example do you show the kids? I didn't have a smart phone when mine were tiny, so I was never looking at it, I think all that has changed now, it does make things harder (and other things easier).
Meet them halfway. If the eldest would live on pizza, make pizza, buy the dough, don't be a martyr. Plus it's April, unless you are in Australia, then spring is on the way and getting out and about will be easier. Also, don't forget that when it comes to cooking with them, rice crispy cakes count.

If you want to hide the branded stuff, just do it! Or donate it. It sounds like you'd like them to have a slower start to being little consumers and that's no bad thing (obviously).

What else would you like to hide/change?

You don't have to do EVERYTHING, but do something different as you don't sound happy.

A couple of things that I don't think have been suggested:

• linear TV instead of on demand - a lot of the time that's something boring e.g. Antiques Hunt so if your small one is put in front of that instead of Bluey while you're washing up she will probably get bored and find something else to do
• games with the kids/for the kids. If they don't find the garden fun can you put something out there e.g. "stepping stones" of wood offcuts (sanded) for them to practice walking along, a football and "goal" (can be anything e.g. the wheelbarrow). When you all need to relax after work and nursery you can play snap with them etc.

Just because they're whining about things it doesn't mean what you're doing isn't good/isn't working. I'll still whine (to myself) that I want chips a lot more frequently than I let myself have them! It's about what habits you're setting for their whole lives. The posters on here who say they did all the wholesome things but their teens/young adults now stay inside or love shopping etc - so what? It's about how they'll be at 30, at 50, at 90!

Conscious effort - yes! I do but also accept you can’t be perfect all the time

I also think adding in one screen free night (for everyone) can be great. Would a weekday or weekend be easier?

This is the first message I’ve been compelled to comment on. Coming from someone who knows exactly how you feel, I can tell you you are doing fine and the whole idea of a “wholesome” childhood is a construction to make us feel like shit. I had a pretty crap childhood and when I had my child I put so much pressure to be the mum you’re describing, and I ended up so down and had counselling in the end to try and get out of this negative self talk. There are times I let my child sit in front of the tele all day and others where we go and do something lovely and educational, and it’s all about balance as others have said. I’m sure you’re doing a great job don’t be so hard on yourself we all do our best at the end of the day.

2 and 4 seem too young for screens but really it’s up to you and screens ( as you have demonstrated saying you need to get stuff done) are really an easy babysitter so lots of folk rely on them to give them ‘peace’. The reality is it’s hard work to parent without screentime and the constant arguments and nagging to have them is an arse so lots of people give in to it. We moved to the country and once my children were old enough I would kick them out for the morning/afternoon. Lots of outside time and going on long walks but really you have to want to parent this way and be ‘on it’, rather than seeking the easy way out.

I agree with PP about getting them outside more etc but it is also to some extent determined by personality and circumstance.

DD1 is 4, loves playing outside in all weathers, plus puzzles and books etc. DD2, however, is almost 2, has Raynauds and DETESTS the cold/rain, even when bundled up like the Michelin Man. Thus, we sadly have spent a lot of afternoons this winter watching Bluey on repeat after an hour at the park with a sobbing toddler. We did what we had to do to survive, but are finally getting out more now the weather has improved. She’s still not keen.

As a parent we all do our best and hope for the best. I’d get outside as much as you can, try to avoid McDs etc but don’t beat yourself up if you ‘fail’. I’m a teacher and I’ve seen plenty of children from a variety of parenting approaches and they mostly all go their own way anyway past a certain age.

I felt silimar about YouTube and tablets, I was able to wean my 4 year old off them by saying they were broken. Eventually he was happy with just watching live Cbeebies most of the time when I need to get stuff done which just feels a bit better to me. But yes I empathise with you and know the feeling.

I think it’s about balance. We have 5 young children and I would be an absolute liar if I said I never stuck Cocomelon on for my 2 year old so I could breastfeed my newborn and grab some breakfast after the school run. But we do lots of outdoor time-we are blessed to have a garden and they spend a lot of their day there. Days out are very mixed- my sons have been swimming, boxing, golf, cycling, out at the park and zoo etc in the last week. They have also been to see the Mario movie where they are their weight in haribo and stopped at McDonald’s on the way home.

With regards to books- I wouldn’t worry if they enjoy the peppa pig and bluey books just now. The main thing is you are reading to them.

Look up the 1000 hours outside challenge. It’s good for tips for getting your kids outside more and off screens.