Feral two year old

[Understandtheconcept]

My two year old is just awful: I know terrible twos are a thing, but I honestly didn’t expect it to be this horrific.

I can’t believe I’m actually considering using physical chastisement, I’ve always been totally against any form of smacking but just nothing works and I’m absolutely at breaking point.

Can you give us some examples of what’s happening and the measures you’re already taking? Maybe then you’ll get some sensible advice. Of course using “physical chastisement” on any child is wrong. No one is going to encourage you to do that here.

I don’t want them to encourage me but I can’t live as I am either.

He is a bully and attacks other children constantly, takes their toys, bullies them off playground equipment, has horrendous tantrums and attacks me when taken away. Throws things to the ground if asked if he wants them so eg starts wanting something, offer him a drink, he flings the drink away. No idea what I’m supposed to be doing.

Have you tried pretending to be a firm/jolly teacher/nurse ie distracting him and also holding strong boundaries with him? What do you usually do when he behaves like that?

I’m sorry this age is so hard. I found routine really helped with DS - meals at consistent times, same bed time every night. He was also much better behaved at home than being out so we minimised trips out and gave up on holidays for a while as he never slept in a new bed. Very boring for you, but it passes more quickly than you think. DS was much better when he got to 5/6.

Talk before you go anywhere

Theae are my expectations - XYZ if you do XYZ then we will leave straight away

But if you play nice and are kind we will get ABC on the way home - ice cream, feed the ducks - whatever is his currency.

Yes what did you do the first time/how do you usually react when he attacks another child or takes their toys? How do you respond to his tantrums? You’re saying a lot about what he does but nothing yet about how you’re currently managing his behaviour. Is he at nursery? What have they said?

Talking to him before you go somewhere makes not a jot of difference. If you leave straight away ditto, he just gets upset/angry you’re leaving but he doesn’t connect it with his behaviour even though you tell him this.

Sympathy OP it is a testing age.

I'm surprised to hear you say he bullies though - he must be smaller than a lot of other children if he's only 2? Could you describe a recent incident e.g. at the park?

When you say that he flings drinks etc to the floor, every single time?

Have you spoken to your health visitor? (I know they can vary a bit in usefulness!)

Have you had a 2 year checkup and did you express any concerns there?

How is his speech and other milestones for his age?

Does he go to any childcare with other children e.g. nursery or playgroup or childminder?

He bullies at nursery too, although he’s better than when I’m with him, I think.

He does shove drinks or snacks or anything he doesn’t want away with some force, he’s always been the same. It’s like just asking enrages him.

What are your strategies then, OP? Do you set or implement any boundaries? Do you reinforce good behaviour with praise? Do you make it clear what’s unacceptable and what’s good boy stuff?

Not sure what I should be doing. I do praise him when he behaves well but not sure how much he understands.

Same with what’s unacceptable, I might say no, remove it/him but he just doesn’t give a shit, to be honest. I know that’s a bit of a blunt response but is an honest one. He really doesn’t give a fuck about being taken away - I don’t think he realises that HIS behaviour caused it and then anyway you get a whole round of secondary behaviour like kicking, screaming, hitting, and then what do I do because I’ve taken him away, so what can I threaten him with then? Genuinely asking as I don’t know what I’m doing as I’m sure is obvious.

At two I’d expect my child to understand what I was saying.

Does he understand in other contexts, eh when you’re playing with him, reading to him, baking, crafts etc?

Hard to know, to be honest. He does definitely understand some things but I’m never totally sure how much.

Your child is old enough to understand a very firm NO.

If he ignores you, physically remove him from the environment, take him home or for quiet time on his own, strap him in to his buggy or car seat, leave and ignore all the screaming.

Consistently removing him will show that he is not allowed to treat other people like that. It may take time but it will get through eventually.

Supernanny has a lot of good strategies around this sort of behaviour. Might be worth doing some you tube searches.

Sympathy OP - it is terribly hard parenting a toddler.

however I couldn’t not say this - I do not believe it is possible for a 2 year old to “bully”.. for me to bully implies a malicious intent to harm someone else and I do not believe a 2 year old is capable of this sort of intent. It’s not, IMO, a helpful way to frame his behaviour and makes me think you may be projecting adult behaviours/intentions onto his toddler behaviours. And this makes them much harder to cope with! Someone said to me once about young children - “they are only challenging because they are feeling challenged”. It helped me be a much more empathetic parent.

Please read how to talk so kids will listen. There is a pre-school / toddler version that is probably best to start with. It will hopefully give you some strategies to use.

It’s great that you are removing him. The secondary behaviours can be hard but as much as possible ignore those and focus on the first reason for the withdrawal.

Naming emotions is really powerful. ‘I can see you are feeling really cross. You wanted that toy. It’s ok to feel disappointed.’

Hang in there. The more able he is to communicate, the easier things will get.

Hold firm to your boundaries and don’t ever let it go this once for an easy life. Be consistent.

I used to implement a three stage strategy in situations like this. First stage was a verbal warning ("no hitting"). Second stage was sitting out for 5 minutes on my lap ("no playing for 5 minutes because you hit Charlie"). Then I'd tell DC again why they'd had to sit out before they went off to play again. Final step, if the behaviour happened again, was that we left.

I found that having to sit watching the other children play while being told it was because of bad behaviour helped my DC connect the two more effectively than just leaving.

I’ve been doing that for months @MintJulia . It really, honestly doesn’t work. I agree he knows what no means, but he is either unable to act on it or chooses not to. Unsure which.

@wherethewaterisdarker you may well be right, but do bear in mind I’ve had a very long and frustrating few days and if some of my own emotion comes out here then that will account for it.

The problem with that @Goldbar is I don’t think it would work. Today for instance, he went absolutely wild when I took him away from a play area at a soft play because he kept standing over a kid in a car so they couldn’t play with it. He was screaming, trying to headbutt me and fighting. He wouldn’t just sit quietly. And I’m not always able to contain him, he twists and squirms free.

And - sorry missing posts. Naming emotions doesn’t work either. Mostly because he’s just screaming over you. If I wait for him to calm down, then talking about it again reignites the rage.

It is making me wonder if it’s not me after all, if what works for everyone else doesn’t for us, I don’t know.

It's not bullying though. Tantrums, throwing drinks , wanting other kids toys etc are all pretty standard 2 year old behaviours. Frustrating as it is most 2 year olds are a law unto themselves.

The bit where you say that he doesn't seem to connect his behaviour with the consequence - IME this is a specific developmental leap, in other words they aren't able to do it and then suddenly they are. But you in don't know exactly when that's going to happen. That's why you have to stick to the strategies you're already using (warnings, firm NO, removing him, time out etc) and they will suddenly start working.

Hang in there OP. I had a terror of a 2yo and he's now a kind gentle boy.

Is he just 2 or nearly 3?

Well, the other kids don’t behave like that. And as can be seen here, some strategies seem to work with others that don’t with mine. I get that 2 year olds are challenging, but mine is just hell bent on destroying everything for everybody. My life is miserable. I give everything for him and yet we are both deeply unhappy people.