AIBU for feeling weird about what I saw at my daughter’s nursery?

[Probablytired]

My 12 month old daughter has just finished her second week (mon-wed) at nursery. She’s adjusting okay but things could be better, like sleep. I know that’s to be expected though. Today she actually slept really well and came out super happy, but something I saw before that flagged up to me as strange.

Overall, we chose this nursery because of the play environment and how the staff came across as genuinely caring and kind during our visits, but as I was waiting to pick my daughter up today I heard one of the staff shout loudly at a little boy. It was in the slightly older toddlers room, I believe that’s from 17 months, and the little boy was climbing onto the food table (I could see this through the door window). She screamed from across the room ‘GET OFF RIGHT NOW’, stormed over, grabbed the little boy under the arms and roughly put him on the floor. He started crying and nobody comforted him. She then spotted me through the glass pane and I noticed that she went over to him then and calmly said ‘I asked you not to climb on the table’ and comforted him. The manager was sitting in her office with the door open next to us so she would’ve heard it too, and she didn’t bat an eyelid.

Something just isn’t sitting right with me. Did she really need to shout at him like that? They’re only very young still, and handling him like that felt very rough and unnecessary. Thinking back if I’d seen her doing it with my child I would have marched straight into the room and said something, and then I feel bad because that’s somebody else’s child and they might feel the same way but they don’t know about it.

how would you respond to this? Nursery is very new to me, so I don’t know if I’m being overly sensitive, all I know is that we don’t shout at our daughter because shouting gets nobody anywhere and is demeaning when she can’t defend herself. I don’t really expect the workers at a nursery I’m paying £95 a day for to be shouting at my child either. What’s your view? I think I need some perspective

Was she maybe doing it to stop him pulling the table over and hurting himself?

We had a similar incident at DS's first nursery. I had a general bad feeling about one of the staff in the pre school room and when DS moved up to that room he wouldn't want to go inside when she was at the door on a morning. But it was just an uneasy feeling, so I couldn't do much, until one day I arrived earlier than normal pick up time to collect DS for an appointment and heard her through the open window literally screaming at the children. I asked to speak to the manager there and then and DS didn't go back again. Trust your instincts.

Was it an initial reaction with worry of someone getting seriously hurt? I’ve raised my voice when my DS1 has started trying to do something dangerous and I’m trying to stop him getting any further til I can pick him up. If I had to do that several times in a short time like maybe the nursery worker might have, it might sound shittier.

But that’s not excusing poor attitude/managing situations and caring for small children. If you’re concerned I’d approach the manager to say your concerns re your own child. They might be able to give you more of an incite into their attitude for these things.

The shouting may have been necessary in an emergency- but isn't always the best approach as it may have startled the child and made them wobble. The issue here is the grabbing, and then acting differently when they saw you. I would speak to the manager, ask how they're meant to deal with situations like that e.g. "If my son was stood on a table, how would they get him to safety?" Then bring up what you saw. The manager might deal with it well, and have a word with the member of staff

That would worry me too. It's so hard to know how staff are with children when parents aren't around and they're too young to tell you themselves. Maybe keep an eye on things or find some excuse to hang around or watch what's going on a bit more?

I would feel the same OP. This is not helping my anxiety about DD starting nursery in a few weeks 😑

You'll never know 100% percent how they are truly being treated at nursery.
Sad fact.

I took my 3 year old out of preschool (attached to primary school) because the staff yelled at and manhandled the children, and the headteacher was totally fine when there were complaints!

I wouldn’t be happy with that either!

This

Maybe it was the 87th time he had done it that day and the 87th time the staff member had said "get down off there" so it came out as an exasperated shout.

Not ideal but you have to remember nursery workers are human too.

It's a stressful job. Spending long days with toddlers is hard work - ask any parent.

People get frustrated when children do things they shouldn't again and again. Sometimes they raise their voices or handle children a little less gently than they should.

I think this kind of thing will happen in every nursery and school (and home) occasionally to be honest. Or anywhere where adults are caring for children.

The shouting I’d be inclined to give a second chance to.

the way she handled him is pinging your senses.

The fact she completely changed manner toward him when she saw you says a lot.

I saw similar at a nursery. The child in question had a a range of special needs and that somehow made it worse - I don't know how good she would have been at communicating what had happened. I reported it to the manager who checked cctv which uncovered more things, and there were sackings. It was awful and I removed my dc, who actually was happier somewhere else (small, basic church hall type thing rather than a chain with lots of fancy equipment).

So I'd definitely say report.

Yes they are only human but it is literally their job to treat their charges appropriately. I might snap at my kids/ husband because we are secure in our relationships, can apologise later etc. But I wouldn't do that at work, whether I worked with kids or adults.

This is so true. It’s really anxiety inducing when you think about it.

OP, I really wouldn’t be happy about this and I would’ve asked to go in and see the manager. The fact she changed her manner when she saw you watching speaks volume.

Exactly this!
I’m a nurse and wouldn’t dream of shouting at my patients so why is there a hundred excuses as to why a nursery worker might do it?

I'm so sorry, it broke my heart reading what you saw. You should change nurseries if you can. I did my placement at a nursery where two of the staff behaved like this - dragging children by the arms, screaming at them, gossiping about their parents to other staff in front of them. It made me so so paranoid to put my own daughter in nursery, I couldn't believe people can get away with that in an environment with children who are so vulnerable. Looking back I wish I had complained to the manager but I didn't think they'd take me seriously as a student... You have to wonder why they even go for a job like that if they can't handle it appropriately

As others have said the initial shouting may have been out of concern that he would hurt himself, but no excuse for not comforting him afterwards.

I would definitely report and see how the manager treats your concerns, also see what other childcare options there are in the area.

Trust your instincts. I had a strange feeling about my son’s nursery when he was one. Whenever parents were there it was too good to be true. But I sensed he wasn’t happy so one day I just turned up to collect him mid-morning and walked in to find the staff lolling (literally lying on the floor) chatting. In the room next door was a group of abandoned babies, most of them crying.
I grabbed my son and left.

The shouting is one thing but the rough handling and lack of comfort/explanation provided to the wee one when he was clearly upset would bother me. I wouldn't be comfortable with that at all and would probably raise it formally with the care commission if you don't feel the nursery manager would address it appropriately.

Just to add - I have experience of a few nurseries, having moved around a bit when my dcs were little , and gut feeling is so important. I had off feelings about a couple of nurseries that I didn't choose and were later closed down following awful ofsted reports which identified lots of failings. Plus the one I mentioned above where I ignored my feelings because frankly I was desperate to find somewhere at that point.

I think the shouting was fine (probably necessary and I'd do it myself), but the roughly pulling doesn't sound great. He's probably a little shit who does these things all the time and never gets told off by his own parents ... 🤷‍♀️

Nope this is why I would never use any form of daycare/childcare

i don’t buy the whole ‘she did it as an emergency to get him to stop’ 1) how convenient that the “one” time this staff member shouted you were there 2) unless she absolutely has to, there’s still no reason to shout. My toddler climbs and if he climbs onto something unsafe I tell him no and explain why and gently get him down and then distract him, and 3) she is the staff member - she is meant to prevent the children from doing things they shouldn’t. Not shout and manhandle them when they’ve already done it

i would remove my child.

They are paid to look after children rather than shout at them but it happens. Can never be certain about how a child is in any childcare setting including school. There needs to be more transparency about what happens behind closed doors
As for that you say you don't shout at your child - of course you don't, she's a baby. This will most likely change once she hits terrible twos which can last foe years. People who flaunt how they don't shout at kids generally do some kind of weird emotional manipulation or use other questionable techniques that are probably more harmful than shouting.