We could afford for me to SAHM but it would reduce DPs savings each month.

[Whatsocurringmervin]

I am sorry if this isn’t the usual query on this forum, I suppose I am looking for some kind of similar experiences. My partner and I (together a long time but not married) have a young child together. I returned from maternity leave recently to my current role as I had an enhanced maternity payment scheme and had to return for 6 months or else pay back my 12 months maternity pay, which made sense to me financially even though it was challenging emotionally. Next month, my 6 months will be up and I can leave without a financial penalty for my work. I returned part time and I earn around £1,400 a month. My partner (who is a much higher earner than I) saves £1,700 into his personal savings a month. I am not super financially literate but trying to get my head in the game with it all. I had assumed he was maybe saving £400/£500 a month, not more than my current monthly salary. It wasn’t until recently I asked him to confirm the amount. He said this means we can do holidays and cover finances etc that we might need. Obviously we won’t spend £1,700 a month on holidays and just to reiterate that this is his personal savings that I have no access to in any way (something that would not bother me usually, pre baby) Some might say that it’s his salary and his right to 1) expect me to contribute financially as an adult in the family and 2) he can do as he wishes with his salary. I suppose it is the age old, what would a SAHP earn if they totalled up all the sleepless nights (I do them all, working or not) meals cooked, house cleaned etc. mental load for the household yada yada. Ideally, I’d prefer to be a SAHM until my child is in school, my partner has felt the same but said we just couldn’t afford it which made me sad but given the current financial climate I figured I had to suck it up. I would like to (and expect to) return to work when the baby is of school age, in an ideal world if I did stop working during this time. I am a bit shocked / upset to learn that he saves more than my monthly salary (this gives an indication of his high salary to you, I think)

And now I’m not sure where the “we simply can’t afford it darling” comes from… am I wrong to think we could afford it for the next few years and reduce his personal savings, or is that totally unreasonable? I am aware that this could all sound very brattish. I know we sound really lucky all in.

For the sake of all information, I do contribute financially to our household currently on my part time salary.

We do not pay for childcare on the days I work, our child is with family.

This money goes into his personal savings, we have personal savings and not combined which is how it has been throughout. His personal savings are around 35/40k. mine around 10k.

If this is TLDR in a nutshell it’s that we could afford for me to stay at home with our child until they are at school. Doing so would mean my partner reduces his personal savings pot for awhile whilst I don’t work outside the home. His salary is will go up yearly, if not biannually at the least.

I’d be appalled if my husband said to me, (and I am rhe higher earner by far) Hey babe since you earn so much more than me I don’t want to contribute at all and want you to pay all the bills. I will keep my 1400 a month. You pay everything, ok?

and if he then said, actually I’d much prefer to give up work totally for the next five years, ans stay home with our kid, and I see you’ve some money there, so I want you to give me 1400 a month. And pay all the bills on top too.

id think he was off his head. And if he was serious. I’d get him out fast. And if I posted on here that’s what was being asked I’d be told he was a massive cock lodger and to get him to fuck

I honestly don't know what I would say if my partner wanted to quit work and have me pay all the household bills and then put money in his savings and give him spending money while he stayed home with the kids. I would imagine the words fuck right off would be involved though.

I don't think you quitting your job and him paying you a 'salary' is a particularly fair way of doing things. Surely IF you quit to be a SAHM (please don't if not married), you'd need to pool finances, so he'd get paid into the joint account and you'd negotiate an equal amount to both have for personal spends and have a joints savings account for joint savings?

If he chose to save a proportion of his personal spending money and you chose to spend yours, I'd see that as fine.

I don't think it's reasonable for you to give up work and ask him to financially support you If he isn't on board and doesn't see the benefits of SAHP.

Giving up work isn't just about the finances now it's the opportunity for work in the future. Don't under estimate how difficult it is to get back into a role, especially part time once you have left the work force.

You may just be in the tricky years which does get better. It's never easy being a working parent but it is doable, especially if your partner steps up to do household.

Taking up the slack at home so he can be career focused isn't a good idea - he has already told you how he feels about his money.

The narrative that women "get all the man's money" is absolutely false. Single mothers ard always worse off post separation. The reason the myth exists is because many men believe family money is their money, however the family budget should have always had pension contributions for the SAHP

Then you should become civil partners. Until that time, you are very vulnerable financially.

yes but it’s also a lot more than just getting married even though that gives you some more protection.

It’s working together as partners not he keeping his money and saving while you do yours on the side. your current situation is just like f**k buddies living together and had a baby not a true partnership where you are both working together.

The fact you know so little about your partners finances after all this time and after having a baby says a lot.

Thank you for saying this, I really value the time and energy I spend looking after my kid. It’s tough but valuable and rewarding, monetary is not the only important part of family life.

I agree that I need to be more aware of finances, I’m someone who is very much ‘if I have it and you need it, it’s yours’ and DP is the same but also a huge saver too.

we plan to discuss in more detail over the weekend and look at things together, I am sure we can work something out.

It has gotten a bit savage in some parts (my doomed relationship with minimal context 😉) but sure, I guess that’s the internet for you.

a wake up call for my DP and I to sit down and discuss.

He got a better paid job during my ML actually, huge promotion and he started two months after our baby was born so it’s a fog I’m just coming out for and regrouping on as I just didn’t pay too much attention at the time. He has said he realises we need to re look at the finances and was very open to it, I’m sure we can agree something that works for us both!

Wait. What? You want half his savings plus to live expense free?? No, OP. Nobody has said that you get to live for free and take half his savings as your personal savings. We’re saying you need to go back to work.
You only pay £500 towards the bills as it is so you still have £900 left over. What do you do with your £900?

I’m not sure it’s a case of FT or no savings, I think we can come up with something we both find fair. I guess everyone has their own vision of ‘fair’ and this thread has been really helpful for that!

But surely the solution to this would just be to get married? I don't really get the need for all the different calculations tbh because, when you are married, it is all part of the same pot anyway (or would be if you were to get divorced). DH and I are married and have 3 kids. My view is that if you have decided to have a kid with someone then you are a team and everything is pooled. We have a joint current acc and a joint savings acc. We are joint owners of the house. Everything gets paid out of the joint acc and everything goes in there. We both work and so both have a pension.

I earn more. But it all goes into one pot, so it doesn't matter. We have a principle that, bar emergencies, if either one of us want to spend more than £100 on a single item, we run it past the other.

Anything/everything to do with the kids just gets paid out of our pooled resources. Anything left over gets moved to joint savings or paid into the kids' savings accounts.

Marriage is a contract and offers vital protection, particularly for women. It also just simplifies things.

Why are women willing to have a child with men who won't marry them?

Genuine question

So you're good enough to live with and have children with but not to marry? Ugh. Throw this one back!

I think it depends if you see marriage as the penultimate prize 🏆

It's got nothing to do with prizes and everything to do with financial security, as you're now finding out, OP. You want a lifestyle that is only a viable risk if married (and it's still a risk) with someone who doesn't want to get married.

@Meandfour agree! This is a crazy suggestion when she's the one who wants to be a SAHM.

If my partner suggested this I'd think they were crazy.

TooManyPlatesInMotion ....... but surely the solution to this would just be to get married.

Maybe his spidery sense is telling him something ?.

I have no doubt it is @GobbieMaggie ! If op is considering having another kid with this man, then she should absolutely be insisting on marriage first.

@GobbieMaggie marriage is a big risk for the higher earner though, high earning women on here are advised not to get married.

These are discussions you have BEFORE kids, the issue these days is that everyone does it in the wrong order.

I'd be even less inclined to marry her if I were him after she asks to stay at home FT & wants savings paid into her account as if she had a full time job + her pension. That's ridiculous and extremely grabby.

He doesn't want to fully commit, no idea why he would suddenly want to now

Yes your vision of fair is giving up work, having all your bills paid, and him giving you 1.5 monthly. I’d not marry you either. The words fuck right off would be involved for me too

@Whatsocurringmervin

What do you see it as?

Not sure him paying you your full salary is quite right either actually but either way you obviously have a lot to discuss!

The caregiver/ home keepers contribution to the family is beyond value. You can not out a price on it, but it is a full time contribution and should be treated as such.

So if he is supposed to pay you a "salary" for looking after your own children for half of the week, will you be paying board and lodgings from that "salary" in order to cover your half of the mortgage, food and bills etc?

Seems a very odd set-up to me!!

She is paying half the mortgage already.

Bizarre comment; adding caveats to something he has no intention of doing in the first place simply doesn't make sense.