We could afford for me to SAHM but it would reduce DPs savings each month.

[Whatsocurringmervin]

I am sorry if this isn’t the usual query on this forum, I suppose I am looking for some kind of similar experiences. My partner and I (together a long time but not married) have a young child together. I returned from maternity leave recently to my current role as I had an enhanced maternity payment scheme and had to return for 6 months or else pay back my 12 months maternity pay, which made sense to me financially even though it was challenging emotionally. Next month, my 6 months will be up and I can leave without a financial penalty for my work. I returned part time and I earn around £1,400 a month. My partner (who is a much higher earner than I) saves £1,700 into his personal savings a month. I am not super financially literate but trying to get my head in the game with it all. I had assumed he was maybe saving £400/£500 a month, not more than my current monthly salary. It wasn’t until recently I asked him to confirm the amount. He said this means we can do holidays and cover finances etc that we might need. Obviously we won’t spend £1,700 a month on holidays and just to reiterate that this is his personal savings that I have no access to in any way (something that would not bother me usually, pre baby) Some might say that it’s his salary and his right to 1) expect me to contribute financially as an adult in the family and 2) he can do as he wishes with his salary. I suppose it is the age old, what would a SAHP earn if they totalled up all the sleepless nights (I do them all, working or not) meals cooked, house cleaned etc. mental load for the household yada yada. Ideally, I’d prefer to be a SAHM until my child is in school, my partner has felt the same but said we just couldn’t afford it which made me sad but given the current financial climate I figured I had to suck it up. I would like to (and expect to) return to work when the baby is of school age, in an ideal world if I did stop working during this time. I am a bit shocked / upset to learn that he saves more than my monthly salary (this gives an indication of his high salary to you, I think)

And now I’m not sure where the “we simply can’t afford it darling” comes from… am I wrong to think we could afford it for the next few years and reduce his personal savings, or is that totally unreasonable? I am aware that this could all sound very brattish. I know we sound really lucky all in.

For the sake of all information, I do contribute financially to our household currently on my part time salary.

We do not pay for childcare on the days I work, our child is with family.

This money goes into his personal savings, we have personal savings and not combined which is how it has been throughout. His personal savings are around 35/40k. mine around 10k.

If this is TLDR in a nutshell it’s that we could afford for me to stay at home with our child until they are at school. Doing so would mean my partner reduces his personal savings pot for awhile whilst I don’t work outside the home. His salary is will go up yearly, if not biannually at the least.

This doesn't sound fair either, unless you are married or a SAHM. What finalstar says sounds reasonable.

I mean if you aren't married but are working FT in a partnership, why wouldn't you be expected to pay your way. Especially if the expectation from your partner is that you aren't together long term.

Of course, in such a partnership, you would expect your partner to share the childcare equally and all the chores. Your family is doing childcare to support, which gives him space to earn more. If he's not happy to share parenthood equally, he should share more of his income that you are enabling him to earn bit probably not 50/50 split of savings.

Rather than start from the top about money and work back. I think you should start from how you are splitting responsibilities. And whether you want a lifelong partnership or a short-term partnership. From this, you can work out how much of his extra income it makes sense for him to share.

Despite this, you are so vulnerable because as soon as he stops being your partner, the money stops. But it will take you 3 months to get a job. Maybe he should give you 3 months of savings to protect you from this risk, if he doesn't think a long term partnership is a good idea and you also agree to stop work.

If he is nervous of marriage because he sees it as he will lose 50% of his savings then to ask for 50% of his savings now without marriage, would make most people question your motivations.

My point is there is a middle ground and complexities to consider. Your best solution is to a) get married or b) stay as partners ......continue to support yourself with work and where you continue more as a parent consider whether it should be more equal or whether he should contribute in other ways to support your (and your families efforts with) Childcare and the loss of paid work this results in

Yeah, another one here who thinks you are looking at this in the wrong way. Why do you want to be a SAHM dependent on a guy who won't share with you?

He does bits now and again, never cooks though which is tough with a toddler.

I still BF so at night, I resettle. I can’t bear my baby crying at all so I will always respond immediately but he can sleep through.

without sounding trite, he isn’t a bad man but I think has prioritised his own savings. Has anyone got the set up where DP/DH pays into their savings as they are the higher earner (as in my savings)?

I think this is reasonable all in.

He is happy to pay for all and anything but long term, I have no acres to the money and it’s very much ask and receive (but not like… beg?) anything our child needs, they have. Etc.

I would feel awful getting more than the basic standard of living though if I was SAHP. Which I think is unfair.

we won’t love lavishly at all, cars second hand and bought and paid for (I bought my own) and we are happy with a holiday to the seaside or to a family home abroad (which sounds a bit posh but isn’t)

If your family is providing childcare then I think he needs it spelled out to him that you and your family are currently providing him with free full time childcare which would cost well over a grand a month if your child was in nursery. The money that's saving him should be joint money, not his alone.

Being financially astute is a good quality, but right now he's getting a massive unearned financial benefit from both the childcare that you and your family are providing and the fact that you are paying 50% of your joint expenses despite being the much lower earner. If he isn't prepared to marry you, he needs to at least be paying a much higher proportion of your joint expenses so that you too can afford to save. And you should not under any circumstances give up work.

I would love to be corrected on this but I think even if your name is on the mortgage in marriage, if there’s a divorce there can be arguments like “My parents helped us pay the deposit” and “I paid it on my own when you were a SAHM”. So names on a mortgage would still make me feel a bit financially vulnerable after being a SAHM, especially if not married. And you seem to be married to a man who is very much “my money, your money” from what it sounds…

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to begin to ask for half of the savings he puts away for my own personal saving.I’ll also ask that I stop contributing to our joint bills fund.

You want to give up work, stop paying towards bills and have your partner pay £850 into your savings each month?

This is a man who doesn’t want to marry you as it’ll put his financial security at risk, it seems unlikely he will like the sound of that?

I would feel awful getting more than the basic standard of living though if I was SAHP. Which I think is unfair.

I don’t really get what you mean by this, but I hope this thread has overwhelmingly conveyed to you that being a SAHM in this situation with this man is not a good idea.

Me and dp aren’t married and probably never will be as neither of us has ever really seen the point in marriage but neither of us have savings and we’re renting so it’s not like either of us would be better or worse off financially either way 🤷‍♀️
I am SAHM and I will be until our toddler starts school. I will then hopefully get a part time job but that is realistically all I will be able to do (health reasons).

If you can stay with your children when they are little, then do so. Make it a priority. Time spent bringing up your children is worth far more than any money.

I think that the idea of marriage screwing him over is putting him off really, as this would be the case in all likelihood.

But the idea of you being SAHM without any financial security somehow is OK, right?

Look I have a reverse situation - I am making 2-3x my partner salary. If we didn't pay for a nursery I could save ~1.5-2k monthly. But what we do with money is:

1. calculate all our expenses including bills, food, childcare, services like hairdresser, gas, car insurance
2. we check how much is left and decide what to do with it i.e. we put X amount into long term savings, Y amount to overpay mortgage, Z for holidays, and then what is left we divide between and each of us has some amount of money to spend on hobbies etc.

I really cannot imagine having it other way in a situation when you have a joint mortgage and a child.

You should go back to work ft and all your salary should go straight in to your savings until your savings and pension become equal to his! Would he like that? I can imagine his answer.

He may see marriage as having potential to screw him over but meanwhile his set up of all his income being in his name is currently screwing your over.

Im a SAHM but I probably wouldnt have become one if I were in your situation. Our money has always been very transparent from the time we started dating. I have full access to everything, our savings are under my name, but we both have accesses. Hubby is a high earner, but he knew he couldnt have done it without my support. I dont understand how couples have been together for years even have multiple kids but managed to keep finances separately. Personally I wouldnt want to start a family with a man like this.

@Redebs

Working mothers still spend time with their children. They are also able to provide for their children in the event of the unexpected and less likely to be living in poverty and a burden to their children in adulthood.

It's all very rosy to opt out of the workforce to do finger paintings for 4+ years but the reality is that many men have no qualms about screwing over the women raising their children and leaving them with nothing.

You can't buy a home, pay bills or afford groceries with happy memories. Women need to be sensible as well.

If he's happy for everything to be fair and equal wrt both parents working ft , contributing the same % of income to the household and sharing the housework/mental load then , op , you have a good partner in life. If not there must be questions asked , but you don't know until you try. Being a sahp isn't a right unless a child has a disability or condition that requires ft care.

Also , I'd like to point out that the loveliest of partners become selfish during a break up. So you must protect yourself from that.

Good luck with your talk op , I hope it all goes well.

Just to clarify, I’d only move to SAHP if I was basically ‘paid’ by DH my full salary (which including pension etc would be most of his saving pot on a monthly basis)

I wouldn’t be ‘earning’ nothing if that makes sense?

not sure if that will change any opinions as in theory, he could ‘stop’ this if he was a C&nt at any time

He might disappear into the sunset with his pot of savings and you'll be left high and dry. Either way isnt very satisfactory.

THIS

Well it works for him anyway. Childcare covered by your family, costing him nothing.

You can't put that on your CV though!

And if your expenses remain the same, you would not be able to increase your savings any faster. So the disparity would remain

Good deal for him. You do all housework and childcare and contribute to bills. He gets to save a nice chunk every month. He’s not treating this situation like a family.

Agree with others . Do not become a SAHP unless married.

Until she is dumped by the child's father, when the ability to pay for a roof over their heads and food on the table is worth more than being a SAHM.

Being a SAHP will never work in this situation. He sees himself as an individual and not as part of a family and you can’t change that. Never mind giving up work, you need to be going back up to full time. You’re taking a hit on earnings and pension while saving him money on childcare so he builds up more and more savings for himself? WTAF?

Tell him you’re going back up to full time because you need to protect and support yourself financially like he has done. Would he like to go part time like you did or pay the childcare bill for what were your days off? In full for as much time as you have been part time, and then split between you proportionally to your earnings.

Something tells me you will see his true colours pretty quickly.

He's not a partner is he? Partners share a life including finances. Why on earth did you have a child with this man and put yourself in this position?