We could afford for me to SAHM but it would reduce DPs savings each month.

[Whatsocurringmervin]

I am sorry if this isn’t the usual query on this forum, I suppose I am looking for some kind of similar experiences. My partner and I (together a long time but not married) have a young child together. I returned from maternity leave recently to my current role as I had an enhanced maternity payment scheme and had to return for 6 months or else pay back my 12 months maternity pay, which made sense to me financially even though it was challenging emotionally. Next month, my 6 months will be up and I can leave without a financial penalty for my work. I returned part time and I earn around £1,400 a month. My partner (who is a much higher earner than I) saves £1,700 into his personal savings a month. I am not super financially literate but trying to get my head in the game with it all. I had assumed he was maybe saving £400/£500 a month, not more than my current monthly salary. It wasn’t until recently I asked him to confirm the amount. He said this means we can do holidays and cover finances etc that we might need. Obviously we won’t spend £1,700 a month on holidays and just to reiterate that this is his personal savings that I have no access to in any way (something that would not bother me usually, pre baby) Some might say that it’s his salary and his right to 1) expect me to contribute financially as an adult in the family and 2) he can do as he wishes with his salary. I suppose it is the age old, what would a SAHP earn if they totalled up all the sleepless nights (I do them all, working or not) meals cooked, house cleaned etc. mental load for the household yada yada. Ideally, I’d prefer to be a SAHM until my child is in school, my partner has felt the same but said we just couldn’t afford it which made me sad but given the current financial climate I figured I had to suck it up. I would like to (and expect to) return to work when the baby is of school age, in an ideal world if I did stop working during this time. I am a bit shocked / upset to learn that he saves more than my monthly salary (this gives an indication of his high salary to you, I think)

And now I’m not sure where the “we simply can’t afford it darling” comes from… am I wrong to think we could afford it for the next few years and reduce his personal savings, or is that totally unreasonable? I am aware that this could all sound very brattish. I know we sound really lucky all in.

For the sake of all information, I do contribute financially to our household currently on my part time salary.

We do not pay for childcare on the days I work, our child is with family.

This money goes into his personal savings, we have personal savings and not combined which is how it has been throughout. His personal savings are around 35/40k. mine around 10k.

If this is TLDR in a nutshell it’s that we could afford for me to stay at home with our child until they are at school. Doing so would mean my partner reduces his personal savings pot for awhile whilst I don’t work outside the home. His salary is will go up yearly, if not biannually at the least.

You could afford it techically, but surely eating into money that was being saved will be an issue someday? I’d agree the issue is more the ‘his money, my money’ thing though

Childcare is my family and works for us, having a child in nursery isn’t an option for our circumstances. We pay for expenses, food nappies fun days and classes etc

Excellent advice and even when your married it puts people in a very vunerable financial situation of having to "ask" for money.

The problem is that his likely response to this will be "well you should go back to work full-time if you feel financially disadvantaged" - especially if OP has 'free' childcare from family members.

OP I really feel for you. This is not a nice situation to find yourself in. Hindsight's a fine thing, but yes, you would be in a much stronger position if you'd got married before having a child with this man - or even just thrashing out the nitty gritty details of how the family finances would work with kids in the mix.

Try and have a conversation with him. I entirely sympathise with your desire to give up work for a few years to stay at home with your child, but you may have to settle for part-time if he won't budge on his financial contributions to what should be the family unit. Good luck.

This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

The man wants to have his cake and eat it.

You are not going to carry on working part time and carrying the domestic load and childcare to subsidise his PERSONAL savings.

If you were married, those savings might not be available to you on a day to day basis but they are still JOINT becaus royal re married and if you were to split you would be entitled to some.

I bet he isn't paying in to a pension for you either.

Don't become a SAHM without being married.

Regarding household contributions, I think it should be proportional. What percent of his salary is spent on household stuff? It should be the same for you. You are currently spending around a third of your income on household stuff! He is definitely not.

Typed some gobbledygook there.

• They are still joint because you are married

His likely response is right. She should go back full time. And look for some serious promotions as she needs to support herself.

I was a SAHP. Married, totally shared finances. Not screwed during the SAH years. But now, back at work FT and I have lost out on years of experience, promotions, career development and pension contributions (we did put money in to my pension whilst I was SAH, but not as much as if I had been earning).

I have not been screwed by my DH. And I (mostly) do not regret being at home with my children. But actually, I do regret not working PT when they were babies and going back FT earlier. Given my time again I would not be a SAHM. I would not advise my children to ever be SAHP. I advised one of my SIL not to do so (she thanked me several years later).

I don't think you should get to be SAHM as if its a right. It's for both parents to decide, as it's not fair to put all the onus on one person to be financially responsible for the full family unless they want to

But you should be having the conversation about joint savings/ combining finances / % of income into joint account for bills. Perhaps if you both put a set % in, there will be enough to put some in joint savings as well as personal savings.

It is OK for him to have some personal savings. But once a baby is born, then you really should have joint savings to help you through stuff like if one of you is ill and unable to work.

Don't worry. Many couples struggle through this transition after a baby is born. You need to sit down and discuss what rhwee savings are for. What joint savings do you both want (that can cover emergency expenses like house and car repairs and holidays). Then what numbers go where.

Then you can decide whether it is everyone's best interests for you to work or not. There are many factors in this not just financial, so you might need a couples counsellor to help you both decide.

It doesn't really sound like there is much "we" there. I very much doubt he will pay for you to give up work.

Absolutely don’t give up work. If anything you should work towards earning more! Financial independence should be your priority here.

You are already vulnerable going PT without being married. He ought to be giving part of the amount he saves in childcare. I would also not be acting like a wife in doing all the domestic labour if he doesn’t want a wife. It’s sad that you’ve had a baby together but you’re not a family.

That sounds like a really risky situation to be getting into, finances are separate, he doesn't want to marry; you can't go all in and leave yourself so vulnerable to a man not showing you and your child commitment.

This 💯

This is what I wanted to say but expressed so much better.

DO NOT give up your earning power without getting married.

Or at least that he doesn't have to worry about money. Again, i don't think there's much "we" there.

You need to think about what would happen if he died too. You aren't his NOK. All his savings, pension and any other assets would go to his NOK, not you. Though that may be his child now that he has one, unless his will says otherwise.

Thanks for all the advice here.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to begin to ask for half of the savings he puts away for my own personal saving.

I’ll also ask that I stop contributing to our joint bills fund.

Start from the top and make my way back? Or outrageous 🙃 I am feeling very financially panicked and in some ways, even if not deliberate, taken advantage of.

DP has mentioned he would support me retraining, I just have no idea what in! I think this was done to boost my overall earning powering long term and get me interested in a new career path etc which sounds like an avenue I should look at.

There probably wasn’t much “we” when he was growing up or working to claw his way out of the shit either. Sounds like he learnt a few of life’s hard lessons early in life.

I may be repeating what people have already said but when you have a conversation with him you both need to discuss how you are going to raise this child (and any others)…..is he expecting you to do all the school pick ups/drops offs, cover school holidays, cover inset days, take time off when the child is sick….these all potentially impact a persons career prospects.if he is not going to contribute equally to child care going forward then he should be contributing towards your savings/pension. It’s rare that a couple equally take the financial hit that comes from raising a family and its why women can get screwed over if the relationship breaks down in future. And please don’t forget the need to contribute to a pension EQUALLY …I bet your future pension is a hell of a lot less than his and if you are a couple shouldn’t you have joint plans for your future together?

Finalstar has absolutely nailed it on the head with their final paragraph!!this sums it up nicely!

This is true in part, I supported him and pushed him to retrain etc and was the higher earner to begin with.

If there are things around the house that go neglected with two ft working parents then those services can be paid for , but please don't exhaust yourself doing more than 50% of childcare and housework. Your husband is prioritising income and career so you should be able to too.

Why does he not do any housework or baby care? Once you've given up work he will have total control over you as a person who already expects to be waited on and looked after that will get worse no money no freedom