We could afford for me to SAHM but it would reduce DPs savings each month.

[Whatsocurringmervin]

I am sorry if this isn’t the usual query on this forum, I suppose I am looking for some kind of similar experiences. My partner and I (together a long time but not married) have a young child together. I returned from maternity leave recently to my current role as I had an enhanced maternity payment scheme and had to return for 6 months or else pay back my 12 months maternity pay, which made sense to me financially even though it was challenging emotionally. Next month, my 6 months will be up and I can leave without a financial penalty for my work. I returned part time and I earn around £1,400 a month. My partner (who is a much higher earner than I) saves £1,700 into his personal savings a month. I am not super financially literate but trying to get my head in the game with it all. I had assumed he was maybe saving £400/£500 a month, not more than my current monthly salary. It wasn’t until recently I asked him to confirm the amount. He said this means we can do holidays and cover finances etc that we might need. Obviously we won’t spend £1,700 a month on holidays and just to reiterate that this is his personal savings that I have no access to in any way (something that would not bother me usually, pre baby) Some might say that it’s his salary and his right to 1) expect me to contribute financially as an adult in the family and 2) he can do as he wishes with his salary. I suppose it is the age old, what would a SAHP earn if they totalled up all the sleepless nights (I do them all, working or not) meals cooked, house cleaned etc. mental load for the household yada yada. Ideally, I’d prefer to be a SAHM until my child is in school, my partner has felt the same but said we just couldn’t afford it which made me sad but given the current financial climate I figured I had to suck it up. I would like to (and expect to) return to work when the baby is of school age, in an ideal world if I did stop working during this time. I am a bit shocked / upset to learn that he saves more than my monthly salary (this gives an indication of his high salary to you, I think)

And now I’m not sure where the “we simply can’t afford it darling” comes from… am I wrong to think we could afford it for the next few years and reduce his personal savings, or is that totally unreasonable? I am aware that this could all sound very brattish. I know we sound really lucky all in.

For the sake of all information, I do contribute financially to our household currently on my part time salary.

We do not pay for childcare on the days I work, our child is with family.

This money goes into his personal savings, we have personal savings and not combined which is how it has been throughout. His personal savings are around 35/40k. mine around 10k.

If this is TLDR in a nutshell it’s that we could afford for me to stay at home with our child until they are at school. Doing so would mean my partner reduces his personal savings pot for awhile whilst I don’t work outside the home. His salary is will go up yearly, if not biannually at the least.

Why would he pay you your full salary. It's pie in the sky. He isn't going to agree to this. This relationship looks doomed.IMHO.

I can’t get my head round what you’re being encouraged to ask. It’s so grabby. You want a min to stop contributing and for him to pay for you and max for him to give you 1400 quid a month to stay home with your own kid.

if my husband demanded that I’d end the relationship.

I don't understand why we're all judging this guy so harshly. He and the op had no proper chat disclosing finances when the baby came along.

If he shows selfishness if/when the op returns ft I'll be happy to concede , but at this stage I'll reserve judgement.

If anything it sounds like the op wants the amount he's saving pm in her own pocket. The op is coming across as a little grabby.

Also , I'd like to point out that the loveliest of partners become selfish during a break up. So you must protect yourself from that.

This hits the nail on the head why I felt uneasy being a married SAHM temporarily, despite my own savings and truly joint ones, OP. And a career I could return to.

In my last long-term relationship, I was completely blindsided and betrayed by the loveliest man - not financially, thank God. But it taught me a hard lesson that people change, even the most kind. I think money can also bring out the worst in us… Especially those who love it more than the average person.

Yeah I don't like this either, OP. He's able to build a tonne of savings while your family provide the childcare and you pay disproportionate amounts of the bills. He doesn't pull his weight, doesn't want to share, yuk. Tell him you're going full time and he will need to pay half full time childcare. That from now on you will both contribute a fair proportion of your earnings and be left with equal spends / savings. If he won't, I'm afraid I'd leave. It will cost him in child support and you'll get a break and other help. It sounds drastic, but unless he sees you as a life partner, what's the point?

Fwiw, I'm a sahp. I had a good career and the equity in our home was mine. The difference is, we are married. All savings are in my account, and most of DHs wages go into my account. I pay the bills and we have equal spends left over. Otherwise I wouldn't do it.

Nope it doesn’t change opinions, you aren’t married therefore you are unprotected and shouldn’t be a SAHM. And it’s kind of a moot point because he doesn’t want to support you financially anyway.

Can you all listen to yourselves?! If a man posted saying that he was willing to be a sahp , but only if his female partner paid him 1.5k pm you'd all have a bloody fit! And you'd tell him to get a ft job ASAP , especially if there was free childcare on the table.

So he’s happy for things to be shared and joint when it’s, for example, the huge debt of a mortgage but when it’s savings they are totally his? I’m sorry but he sounds like a miserly cunt. I’ll fucking bet he doesn’t want to get married, why would he? He’d have to share all that lovely dosh.

I think you need to wise up OP

Not being super financially literate is not OK in your situation.

You should get married to protect yourself financially, and have equal access to money (ie all earnings get paid into one account and then you both get spending money into your own accounts.)

If you can't get married because he won't do not give up your job for anything. And possibly reconsider the relationship. He's not being direct with you about money, and as you've acted like a bit of a fool (sorry to be blunt) he is possibly taking you for one.

Most people are saying don't be an SAHP if you aren't married. Which they'd say to anyone, I'd hope.

OP really needs to understand the family's finances a lot better.
£1700 a month sounds a lot, but if it's spent on holidays and things that crop up during the year (I'm assuming this might be things like annual insurances, house maintenance, replacing things like the washing machine if they break) then an awful lot of it might be being spent out. Which tallies with the fact that the total sum isn't anywhere near as big as you'd expect (unless he's lying of course).

Equally OP pays £500 on bills from her £1400 salary. So what does she do with the rest? Is it personal spending or things for their child, food shops etc? If it's personal spends then it might not be massively out of line with what DP has.

Disposable income (on both sides) is the value that really needs clarifying.

It sounds like DP is a saver. This might mean that he denies himself personal things. DH and I have the same personal money, but I save and he spends, so my personal savings are substantially higher than his. This doesn't mean that I should start paying him the difference to make it fair!

And yes, agree with all the other posters who say that OP shouldn't make herself financially vulnerable, more so as she's not married.

It’s appalling isn’t it. She earns 1400 a month and only contributes 500. He pays for everything else. Which let’s face it is going to cost a lot more than 500.

she now wants to stop even paying that and she wants to stay home and him to actually pay her 1400;

if a man came on and said he wanted his partner to do this there would be a outcry.

it’s so grabby.

OP I don’t think you should take the approach of no longer contributing to bills and him splitting his savings, if he is very financial independent this just sounds unfair and grabby.

Your starting point should be:

1. I am going back to work full time and moving forward I would like us to contribute to household expenses IN PROPORTION to our incomes. If he earns double your income then you pay 1/3 expenses and he pays 2/3 expenses.
2. Because you are now full time you either need to split housework and cooking 50:50 or if he doesn’t want to cook or clean then he can pay a weekly cleaner and you will do the cooking.
3. You may also need paid childcare - the cost for this is split to the ratio of your incomes.

This may make him suddenly think, oh actually I do really value your unpaid labour in the home so would rather you stayed part time.

This is when you say, okay I can stay part time but I need to financially taken care of, we aren’t married so I will need % proportion of savings each month to ensure I have appropriate savings.

Every family set up is different but I would not become an SAHM with your partner in this case without the protection of marriage. I would take that off the table and focus on retraining and finding full-time work.

Stopping work for several years would leave you very vulnerable and financially dependent on a man who doesn’t want to get married. He can leave at any point and you would be screwed. By not being married you are not entitled to any of his money. You will also miss out and lose on earring potential and pensions, savings etc..

The fact that he does not want to get married is a red flag. It could stem from his own circle with friends getting divorces etc. You should really sit down and discuss your finances and really see where his head is at. His control over finances are probably a result of his own background going up below the poverty line so he might be dead set on keeping on top of his finances so he is never ever in that position again. Having a talk about putting a proportional amount into a pot according to both your earnings and how much you saved should be agreed upon. Have a monthly financial planning meeting to see how spending and saving is going etc.. and to discuss upcoming big expenses etc.. It sounds like he has a it’s “his money” mentality which will be an issue for you. He might not ever want to get married in which case, you will need to focus on providing for yourself.

Have you looked at your own finances? How much do you have in your savings? Your pension? If the relationship were to break down, can you afford to move out and comfortably live on your own with your DC? If the relationship breaks down, at least if you are working, you can co-parent together and split costs 50-50.

Please take a look at the other threads on the site about unmarried SAHMs and splitting from their partners. Personally, I have seen a handful of my unmarried friends who loved being a SAHM until the relationship broke down. Messy splits and it took quite awhile for them to get themselves together. With my married friends, they were protected financially during the split. The point is you never know where life will take you. Good luck!

Well, it's all academic anyway, surely, because it seems clear that the OP's partner is unlikely to agree to her becoming a SAHP, whether she demands a "salary" for it or not.

If he doesn't feel that they can afford to lose her income, he isn't likely to commit to this. Especially as it seems that it is driven largely by the OP's desire to SAH rather than any real expectation on his part.

Please, please do not give up your financial independence without being married.

I cannot believe you are with someone who can save that amount of money for himself and doesn't share it with his family.

Never mind he can't afford for you to give up work - you can't afford to give up work.

By being a SAHM she'd be contributing probably more than 1400 worth of childcare each month no?

Why do you perceive a woman's labour as having no value? How is it grabby to try to maintain some financial security?

They have a family together but her partner doesn't give her any visibility over finances or shares them - that's surely more grabby than anything.

Some posters on here are either stupid beyond help or have so much internalised misogyny they can't think straight.

The thing is he owes you personally nothing, nothing at all.

He is responsible for 50% of the costs of your shared child and that is it. If you split up, he'd owe you 12% of his salary, and that is all.

He clearly does not wish to support you, or for you to give up your job. Having a child isn't a free pass to stop contributing. He has no legal financial responsibility for you, only for his child. If the two of decide between yourselves that it works for the family for one to pay and one to sah, then that's fine, but you can't just demand to stop contributing and expect him to cover all of your costs, your share of your DCs costs and on top of that hand you a wodge of money!

If my DH suddenly decided he wanted to stop working and for me to cover all costs and give him a large chunk of my earnings, that would be game over for me. I'd prefer we both worked to our full capacity, and contributed to the family finances. I have no respect for freeloaders.

How is looking after a child full time freeloading?

You know a financial contribution isn't the only contribution that matters in a family unit? How are women supposed to advance if their contribution is seen as worthless because it's not monetary.

It is so sad to see women have opinions like this.

Yet another Mumsnet thread showing how crucial it is for girls and women to be financially literate.

I would laugh at do if he came to me and asked for me to pay him to be a SAHP. I would honestly think it was a joke

That's my opinion too. I wouldnt want to be financially dependent on a man. Sign of the times I suppose.

That should have said -
I would laugh at dp if he came to me and asked for me to pay him to be a SAHP. I would honestly think it was a joke

I just think of it as being a grown up

@Whatsocurringmervin did you actually know your partners salary before getting pregnant OP? I don't think you know him as well as you think you do and the issue is when you have a baby things change or at least there is a lot of added pressure on the relationship.

How did you not know your partners salary I'm totally baffled. I don't think you should be a SAHM I would return part time keep your foot in the door and a little something for you.

He doesn't want to get married so don't go selling YOURSELF short.