We could afford for me to SAHM but it would reduce DPs savings each month.

[Whatsocurringmervin]

I am sorry if this isn’t the usual query on this forum, I suppose I am looking for some kind of similar experiences. My partner and I (together a long time but not married) have a young child together. I returned from maternity leave recently to my current role as I had an enhanced maternity payment scheme and had to return for 6 months or else pay back my 12 months maternity pay, which made sense to me financially even though it was challenging emotionally. Next month, my 6 months will be up and I can leave without a financial penalty for my work. I returned part time and I earn around £1,400 a month. My partner (who is a much higher earner than I) saves £1,700 into his personal savings a month. I am not super financially literate but trying to get my head in the game with it all. I had assumed he was maybe saving £400/£500 a month, not more than my current monthly salary. It wasn’t until recently I asked him to confirm the amount. He said this means we can do holidays and cover finances etc that we might need. Obviously we won’t spend £1,700 a month on holidays and just to reiterate that this is his personal savings that I have no access to in any way (something that would not bother me usually, pre baby) Some might say that it’s his salary and his right to 1) expect me to contribute financially as an adult in the family and 2) he can do as he wishes with his salary. I suppose it is the age old, what would a SAHP earn if they totalled up all the sleepless nights (I do them all, working or not) meals cooked, house cleaned etc. mental load for the household yada yada. Ideally, I’d prefer to be a SAHM until my child is in school, my partner has felt the same but said we just couldn’t afford it which made me sad but given the current financial climate I figured I had to suck it up. I would like to (and expect to) return to work when the baby is of school age, in an ideal world if I did stop working during this time. I am a bit shocked / upset to learn that he saves more than my monthly salary (this gives an indication of his high salary to you, I think)

And now I’m not sure where the “we simply can’t afford it darling” comes from… am I wrong to think we could afford it for the next few years and reduce his personal savings, or is that totally unreasonable? I am aware that this could all sound very brattish. I know we sound really lucky all in.

For the sake of all information, I do contribute financially to our household currently on my part time salary.

We do not pay for childcare on the days I work, our child is with family.

This money goes into his personal savings, we have personal savings and not combined which is how it has been throughout. His personal savings are around 35/40k. mine around 10k.

If this is TLDR in a nutshell it’s that we could afford for me to stay at home with our child until they are at school. Doing so would mean my partner reduces his personal savings pot for awhile whilst I don’t work outside the home. His salary is will go up yearly, if not biannually at the least.

I agree, do not be a SAHM without getting married first. As he won’t marry you, the answer is clear that you cannot be a SAHM and need to step up to FT work. For work, ensure he is on board with 50/50 for sick days off work when your child is ill. Ensure he does school drop offs or pickups 50/50 as well once the child is school age. I note you do all the housework- he will need to do half of it once you are working FT or you both get a cleaner (he should pay).

I hope bills are split proportionally as in if he makes 3x what you do, he pays 75% of the bills. This includes child related bills.

You are not married so you need to work full time, build up your career and your own savings, and not give a rich man free childcare.

If you split up in a year, how much money will you have and what kind of job to support you?
How much is in your pension?

In two years?
In ten?
In twenty?

Don't be an idiot and give him a free nanny/housewife. You can't afford to stay at home.

You need to get yourself financially literate pronto. That’s good you have savings but you need to check out pensions, your rights if you split, what happens if he dies, etc. what you suggest would leave you poptentidlly very financially vulnerable so you need to understand the implications.

Don’t give up work (or even reduce hours) unless you’re married. At the moment your partner could walk out with his enormous savings, leaving you with absolutely nothing and (as a SAHM) no way of supporting yourself. You need to give a lot more thought to your finances. Have you lost money/pension as a result of having your baby?

Do you own your house?

As to whether it’s reasonable for you to give up work and look after your (joint) child full time, that’s really for you and your partner to decide. Yes, SAHMs absolutely contribute to the household, there is no question about that. Whether it’s the right choice for you as a couple with your particular aims is a different question. I’d say the arrangement you have at the moment (PT with family care) sounds pretty good and gives you some protection if it all goes pear shaped.

I feel you are going to end up in one of those relationships where you are greatful for a few pitiful crumbs from the bread winner big man's plate.

Don't give up your job and make yourself completely dependent on a man that you’re not married to, and doesn’t want to marry you, and legally owes you nothing if you split. That’s insanity.

Whether or not he shares any of his savings is his call, as they are his savings, legally and otherwise in your current set up. Anyone else’s opinion is irrelevant.

For what it’s worth; DH is a SAHD and there are times when it’s challenging being the person who earns all the money and the pressure is on, even though I’m pleased DS has him around, and it makes financial sense for us because DH’s industry was ravaged by Covid and DS is young, so childcare is expensive, and we have no financial support. it is something that gets mentioned on here often; and that I really pondered before we trialled this - and in your case, with no childcare costs and a part time job, the trade offs with you working may be too low for it to seem sensible for you not to do so, from anyone else’s perspective.

but that’s irrelevant given how much of an awful idea it would be for you to even contemplate being dependent on him; and if marriage isn’t on the cards at all, I’d be looking for full time work. Protect yourself so you don’t end up absolutely screwed if he decides to disappear off. So, so many women do.

This.

“You'd be MASSIVELY vulnerable to be a SAHM without being married- missing out on 5 years NI and pension contributions and maybe longer if you have baby 2 or 3 and then if it goes tits up your "just the woman he had a baby with"

So long as OP has child benefit, she will get the full NI credits for any years with a child aged 12 or under. She should claim if not working FT even though her partner earns over £50k and simply refuse the money or put it in savings and that then gets used by her partner to pay back the CB when he does his taxes.

This. With bells on.

He's taking the piss out of you. You do everything round the house, work part-time and he puts more than your salary into personal savings every month? How much are you able to save from your £1400? On the face of it you're in a very precarious position with someone who is making very sure his own nest is feathered at the expense of yours.

You've not been overly sensible to have a child in these circumstances without getting married, since you have zero financial protection (unless there's some dripfeed like you own your home outright and it's worth £££) so don't dig yourself further into a hole. If you split, you will currently walk away as a single parent on £1400/month (with no savings?) whereas he walks away with his massive salary and £££ in the bank that he was able to save because you provided free childcare and took care of the house at the detriment of your own finances.

I understand the emotional pull to be a SAHM because I was the same, but to do this when you are not married and your partner is not ensuring that you have equal access to money, including savings, is very risky. You would be making yourself very vulnerable indeed.

Good advice.

Agree on all the marriage bits. Assuming that doesn't happen, if you do go back to work, you should surely be saving all of your salary and letting him pay for everything. It's deeply unfair in a couple where 2 people are working equally hard for one to have monthly personal savings more than the other's entire monthly earnings.

We have a mortgage on our house, both 50/50 split but you are all right in that if we split, his life wouldn’t change much £ wise and mine would. He could stay in this house (we already know he saves more than my salary now!) but I couldn’t without his help.

He isn’t a ‘bad man’ but I think ultimately it’s the old saying of if he wanted to, he would about a lot of things…

If you were a SAHM you would have to ask him for every penny you spend on yourself. I couldn't do that.

Why won't he get married?

Definitely don't become a SAHM if you're not married. You will be left in an incredibly vulnerable financial position if you split up. Hang on to your job with both hands! Do you save any of your salary at all or put it all into the household? I think your contribution should be at a level that means you are saving money as well as him.

Er. You should be Joint Tenants on the deeds (50% ownership each) but the mortgage payment itself shouldn’t be 50/50. It should be split proportionally as I stated above….eg if he earns 3x what you do then you should be paying 25% of the mortgage bill and he paying 75% of it.

My question as well - sounds like two people just house sharing rather than a family unit with joint finances and decision making.

How do I broach the finances with him? I currently pay £500 towards our bills which now feels a bit steep given our comparable earnings. Do I just say we need to sit down and talk finances, take SAHM off the cards and say I don’t want to pay towards anything but my own bills to give me a chance to save? Is that even reasonable? Or at least reduce my input given his savings pot £ is more than my entire salary per month…

You can’t be a SAHM as you can’t afford it and your partner doesn’t want to support you or be financially linked to you. He keeps all his savings private and doesn’t want to marry you… do you think he’s looking at you both being together and growing old together forever? You’d be absolutely foolish to push the issue to being a SAHM when he could leave you with nothing.

what would a SAHP earn if they totalled up all the sleepless nights (I do them all, working or not) meals cooked, house cleaned etc. mental load for the household yada yada.

Il never understand this way of thinking on here, you’d earn nothing, it’s your child and your life. If he decided to be single and pay a woman to rear his kids and be a housekeeper I’m sure they’d earn decent money… but nobody deserves paying for being a parent or partner in their own life, they deserve equality and fair treatment. I think you are kind of missing the point as is it sounds like he doesn’t properly value your position in the household and takes it for granted instead, I’d be addressing this immediately to be honest.

In terms of missing out on being a SAHM, I think your set up sounds good, part time decent paid job so you can be financially independent and still get plenty of time with your baby, but baby is with family when you are working so they have a good relationship with family and you don’t pay out for childcare. It’s win win.

Doesn’t think marriages last and that divorces are nasty and I guess inevitable? Now that I type it… 😆

Yes, I think you need to have a proper chat about this. If he doesn't want to get married he needs to accept that you need some financial security too.

We have a mortgage on our house, both 50/50 split

So you’re paying 50% of the bills out of your part time salary while he can save more than you earn per month? That’s completely unfair, bills should be proportional especially now you have a child.

Say you chose to take the risk and be a SAHM you need to understand that returning to work when child starts school isn't easy. The school day is short, you probably won't want child going to afternoon clubs whilst you work and for the first couple of years there is so much going on with school.

It's doable but it's not like you will magically walk into a job with good hours. He'd need to pull his weight with drop offs etc.

I'd keep the part time status quo if you were me. And dig deeper on marriage and why he hides his money. If he hid the 1700, implying 400. Then who knows what else he's got....

For me I’d want to ensure we both had the same spending money, that means putting a proportional amount into the pot according to earnings and agree on an amount to save - together, and savings should be joint. You’re going to have a child together, he doesn’t get to have “his” savings anymore. But then that’s where the marriage bit comes in because if you were married you’d be entitled to half of everything as a starting point so he needs to accept this and if he doesn’t then you know exactly where you stand and it’s not good.

The usual approach for unmarried separate finances couples is to add your monthly take home plus his monthly take home and calculate your relative % of the total income. That % is then the % you each pay of all bills. This does leave the higher earner with more disposable money left over, but it’s same %. The way to present this is it is the most fair way to split costs.

If you go joint finances then usually it is each person has equal money left over after all bills are paid and joint savings topped up to do with as they please.