We could afford for me to SAHM but it would reduce DPs savings each month.

[Whatsocurringmervin]

I am sorry if this isn’t the usual query on this forum, I suppose I am looking for some kind of similar experiences. My partner and I (together a long time but not married) have a young child together. I returned from maternity leave recently to my current role as I had an enhanced maternity payment scheme and had to return for 6 months or else pay back my 12 months maternity pay, which made sense to me financially even though it was challenging emotionally. Next month, my 6 months will be up and I can leave without a financial penalty for my work. I returned part time and I earn around £1,400 a month. My partner (who is a much higher earner than I) saves £1,700 into his personal savings a month. I am not super financially literate but trying to get my head in the game with it all. I had assumed he was maybe saving £400/£500 a month, not more than my current monthly salary. It wasn’t until recently I asked him to confirm the amount. He said this means we can do holidays and cover finances etc that we might need. Obviously we won’t spend £1,700 a month on holidays and just to reiterate that this is his personal savings that I have no access to in any way (something that would not bother me usually, pre baby) Some might say that it’s his salary and his right to 1) expect me to contribute financially as an adult in the family and 2) he can do as he wishes with his salary. I suppose it is the age old, what would a SAHP earn if they totalled up all the sleepless nights (I do them all, working or not) meals cooked, house cleaned etc. mental load for the household yada yada. Ideally, I’d prefer to be a SAHM until my child is in school, my partner has felt the same but said we just couldn’t afford it which made me sad but given the current financial climate I figured I had to suck it up. I would like to (and expect to) return to work when the baby is of school age, in an ideal world if I did stop working during this time. I am a bit shocked / upset to learn that he saves more than my monthly salary (this gives an indication of his high salary to you, I think)

And now I’m not sure where the “we simply can’t afford it darling” comes from… am I wrong to think we could afford it for the next few years and reduce his personal savings, or is that totally unreasonable? I am aware that this could all sound very brattish. I know we sound really lucky all in.

For the sake of all information, I do contribute financially to our household currently on my part time salary.

We do not pay for childcare on the days I work, our child is with family.

This money goes into his personal savings, we have personal savings and not combined which is how it has been throughout. His personal savings are around 35/40k. mine around 10k.

If this is TLDR in a nutshell it’s that we could afford for me to stay at home with our child until they are at school. Doing so would mean my partner reduces his personal savings pot for awhile whilst I don’t work outside the home. His salary is will go up yearly, if not biannually at the least.

Do not become a SAHM without being married.

This. It doesn't sound like you share finances at all so stopping work would leave you very vulnerable.

Speaking from bitter experience you should get married

He doesn’t want to get married… Should I be reading the writing on the wall here 🙃

You seem to be framing this in terms of whether your partner should be willing to put less money in his savings every month so you can be a SAHM. Nobody else can decide that.

I'm more interested in why you're so keen to give up work for several years and become completely financially dependent on a man you aren't even married to.

Mumsnet general consensus is that this is a very bad idea. You'll screw yourself over financially, especially if you and your partner split, and your child won't even remember the years you spent at home.

Do you mean because I’d be more financially protected if I’m married and we split?

I after that you need to be married.

It sounds like he is very controlling (or just very organised) it could leave you in a very vulnerable position if you have no other access to money and are not married.

Well are you a family or not? For me, if you are then all finances are shared and decisions like one of you being a sahp need to be made together.

I bet he doesn't.

Do not give up work! This man doesn't sound like you're a 'team' at all

If his personal savings are £40k, he’s only been saving £1,700 per month for less than 2 years. Does that sound right? Does that coincide with a significant pay rise? I’d bet he has more squirrelled away than you think.

He’s paying lip service to the idea of you being a SAHM. Clearly it’s affordable. If it’s not, ask him to show you why not with calculations because to you it looks like it is affordable.

You would be very foolish to become a SAHP without getting married first. Especially as he obviously doesn't see his money as family money.

Ultimately, if he isn't on board with supporting you financially, then you don't really have the option of SAH in any case. He doesn't have to support you to SAH just because he can afford it. Both partners have to want that set-up in order for it to work.

More organised, not controlling I’d say. He is very controlled with his own finances and saves and saves. He grew up way below the poverty line and worked hard to claw his way out of financial issues in his early twenties so is understandably keen to set himself and us up so we don’t need to worry about £

You need to be married

Not only are you at risk if he decides to split but you also change the power dynamics when you give up work - change the situation can change the people

Say he starts to resent the lack of his savings, or he has a hard week at work and starts to resent you living a stress free life on his hard work

He starts to make your life miserable
You can't leave him as you have no home no money and no means to support yourself
He knows that

Yes. Don't give up your earning potential without at least having the legal protection of marriage.

Are you 50/50 splitting bills. Because that's not fair on you . Dh and I pay the bills then split the pot. So if there's 1000 left we get 500 each (we wish!) it's not fair if you income is reduced because of your joint child and your finances are penalised

Your not married. Its HIS money, he can do what he likes with it and right now he'd building it up for whatever he wants. Might be holidays now but who knows what later down the line and your bit entitled to any of it harsh but true!!

The point about what would a SAHM earn from the work they do it's a bit arbitory because the work needs done wither you are a SAHM or not.

Anyway if he isn't willing to support/finance you being a sahm that's pretty much it.
You'd be MASSIVELY vulnerable to be a SAHM without being married- missing out on 5 years NI and pension contributions and maybe longer if you have baby 2 or 3 and then if it goes tits up your "just the woman he had a baby with"

Do you jointly own the house?

You would be bonkers to give up work without the protection of marriage as an absolute minimum. Who earns the house you live in?

Think about if you split. Your DP

You need to be married.

There's nothing for you if you split otherwise.

That’s very true, I am more shocked that we could afford it and the line has always been we can’t. We can, just in a way that meant savings change for a few years. I’m not suggesting he is wrong or that I am right, more that I am really shocked by the details of it all. He has always been “if we could, we should” about me being SAHP. If that makes sense? Perhaps he felt he couldn’t say or feels that the savings are non negotiable

This is a man who doesn't want to get married and sounds possessive over his own personal wealth.

I'm not saying he's a bad man - maybe he's just careful with money and fully intends to use all of his 'personal savings' towards the family - a bigger house or something.

But you'd be crazy to even consider being a SAHM without being married at least.

You need a serious conversation now you are parents about how you both contribute and what both of you expect from each other. What are you both happy with and what is reasonable. I'm not sure what you mean by personal savings as you are talking about holidays etc. This is more than about as a unit you can afford for you to be a sahm.

There is no way you should stop work if you are not married. He will continue with his career, onwards and upwards, and you will really struggle to ever get back to the same position again. His pension will continue, yours won't. His savings will continue, yours won't. If he can't understand that that he must be a bit stupid. I'm sure he's not a stupid man.

Sorry. Posted to soon. Your DP would have his nice salary and all of his savings to house your child, meanwhile, unless you solely earn your current house outright…you’d be really struggling.

The problem is, OP, he can afford it but doesn't want to, and you want to but can't afford it.