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Original poster

We could afford for me to SAHM but it would reduce DPs savings each month.

271 replies

Whatsocurringmervin · 05/04/2023 07:35

I am sorry if this isn’t the usual query on this forum, I suppose I am looking for some kind of similar experiences. My partner and I (together a long time but not married) have a young child together. I returned from maternity leave recently to my current role as I had an enhanced maternity payment scheme and had to return for 6 months or else pay back my 12 months maternity pay, which made sense to me financially even though it was challenging emotionally. Next month, my 6 months will be up and I can leave without a financial penalty for my work. I returned part time and I earn around £1,400 a month. My partner (who is a much higher earner than I) saves £1,700 into his personal savings a month. I am not super financially literate but trying to get my head in the game with it all. I had assumed he was maybe saving £400/£500 a month, not more than my current monthly salary. It wasn’t until recently I asked him to confirm the amount. He said this means we can do holidays and cover finances etc that we might need. Obviously we won’t spend £1,700 a month on holidays and just to reiterate that this is his personal savings that I have no access to in any way (something that would not bother me usually, pre baby) Some might say that it’s his salary and his right to 1) expect me to contribute financially as an adult in the family and 2) he can do as he wishes with his salary. I suppose it is the age old, what would a SAHP earn if they totalled up all the sleepless nights (I do them all, working or not) meals cooked, house cleaned etc. mental load for the household yada yada. Ideally, I’d prefer to be a SAHM until my child is in school, my partner has felt the same but said we just couldn’t afford it which made me sad but given the current financial climate I figured I had to suck it up. I would like to (and expect to) return to work when the baby is of school age, in an ideal world if I did stop working during this time. I am a bit shocked / upset to learn that he saves more than my monthly salary (this gives an indication of his high salary to you, I think)

And now I’m not sure where the “we simply can’t afford it darling” comes from… am I wrong to think we could afford it for the next few years and reduce his personal savings, or is that totally unreasonable? I am aware that this could all sound very brattish. I know we sound really lucky all in.

For the sake of all information, I do contribute financially to our household currently on my part time salary.

We do not pay for childcare on the days I work, our child is with family.

This money goes into his personal savings, we have personal savings and not combined which is how it has been throughout. His personal savings are around 35/40k. mine around 10k.

If this is TLDR in a nutshell it’s that we could afford for me to stay at home with our child until they are at school. Doing so would mean my partner reduces his personal savings pot for awhile whilst I don’t work outside the home. His salary is will go up yearly, if not biannually at the least.

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Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 05/04/2023 08:04

He doesn’t want to get married… I bet he doesn't. He's laughing.
Don't give up your career op. He isn't willing to share with you, support you or protect you financially. You are a single woman who is living informally with the father of her child, and your focus has to be on protecting the future of you and your child. A 4 year career break will set you back. If you do decide to take a career break at least use it for education.

Coraline353 · 05/04/2023 08:06

If you're at home with your baby a few days a week, and manage the household, I bet you're also paying for what the baby needs out of your money - nappies, new clothes, days out etc. Do you have a joint account at all?

L3ThirtySeven · 05/04/2023 08:07

There is a risk with joint savings if unmarried. Joint savings would mean bank accounts with you as joint account holders. If you split, either one of you could withdraw all the savings and the other one has no claim to get any of it back because you’re not married. Now, when a relationship is good people always say they’d never do that, they’d always split the joint savings equally. But in my time on this Earth, every time an unmarried couple splits up one of them clears the joint accounts out and runs off with the money leaving the other high and dry.

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Mog09 · 05/04/2023 08:08

He’s telling you everything you need to know. He doesn’t see you as a team, not really, as he’s protecting his personal interests (his savings pot) first. And he doesn’t want to get married, what a surprise!

What would happen if you split? If not married, he would still have his savings, his well paying job and security. Where do you live? Is it his house as well? You would not be entitled to any of this, you would only be able to claim CMS and just read a few stories on here to see how many men fix this so they barely pay a penny.

If you are married you have rights over his savings, even if personal as well as his pension, and the house if it is owned. This would give you some financial protection if you were to give up work, although it’s still not ideal in terms of your job prospects.

What reasons has he given for not wanting to get married?

Shinyredbicycle · 05/04/2023 08:08

Yes, take the SAHM off the cards for now - that would come at the end of this type of convo not the beginning.

More, we need to look at and think about our finances now we have a child together. Pensions, wills, savings, overpaying your mortgage how much each party contributes to bills etc.

If you don't already have a joint bank account, you need to open one so that all household bills (and spending on your child which I bet comes out of your salary at the moment) come out of that. You should put in different amounts proportional to your income.

BloodyThursday · 05/04/2023 08:08

I agree with PP about not making yourself financially dependent. You just have to look at the many stories on here about how it goes terribly wrong and the woman has no choice but to put up with it because they have nothing.

As for the split I know people split it in % to what they earn. We don't as we are fairly equal do someone will probably be here soon to confirm. It will help knowing his salary compared to yours.

Mariposista · 05/04/2023 08:08

Just stay at work!

Mutabiliss · 05/04/2023 08:09

Honestly I don't think you should become a SAHM even if you did get married. It sounds like he sees his money as his own personal money, and even if you got married and then split there no guarantee he'll let you get hold of it. There are many ways of getting around paying for your family.

We're not married, but I have full access to my partner's bank accounts. I know his passwords and PIN. We worked out the percentage we both earn and pay that in bills (so he pays about 20% more than me because he earns more). And I stayed at work, just in case.

hattie43 · 05/04/2023 08:10

I'd always be wary of a man who had his own personal savings when part of an established couple . I'd also never in a million years be financially reliant on a man . There are too many threads on here from women desperately unhappy but can't afford to leave . Not being married is another level of insecurity

L3ThirtySeven · 05/04/2023 08:11

Whatsocurringmervin · 05/04/2023 08:01

Doesn’t think marriages last and that divorces are nasty and I guess inevitable? Now that I type it… 😆

Show quote history

What about a civil partnership? Opposite sex couples can have these now. It has all the legal and financial protections of marriage but without the religious, life long commitment hanging over you.

Amotherlife · 05/04/2023 08:11

If he won't marry you, do not give up work! At any point he could leave with all his savings. It's not a great partnership in my view if he sees his savings as entirely his. Another option would be for him to give you half his savings to put in your own account as an investment for you both in your life together. I'd be having a serious talk.

SiSiG · 05/04/2023 08:11

The fairest thing is to pay proportionally to your wages, have your kid in full time childcare and focus on increasing your own salary and prospects. If he wants to keep your joint lifestyle high (holidays, meals out) let him pay. Act in your personal interests, not yours as a family.

Whataretheodds · 05/04/2023 08:12

Who pays for groceries?
Who pays for things the child needs - clothes, car seat nappies etc

1930toEdinburgh · 05/04/2023 08:12

@Whatsocurringmervin

I hope the overwhelming consensus here makes you question your status and plans.

Mog09 · 05/04/2023 08:13

Whatsocurringmervin · 05/04/2023 08:01

Doesn’t think marriages last and that divorces are nasty and I guess inevitable? Now that I type it… 😆

Show quote history

He doesn’t think marriages last so presumably he’s presuming your relationship won’t either? Therefore you need to plan as if it won’t. Don’t give up work, negotiate a fair split of bills proportionate to income. Honestly this man sounds like a selfish twat.

MrsRickAstley · 05/04/2023 08:13

I absolutely wouldn't be giving up work.

I'm sure you'll have read enough threads on here to realise that it wouldn't be a smart move.

Marriage is only with doing (IMO) if you stand to be worse off financially when you have children together. That £40-50k he has saved is half yours (and half of your £10k is his) should you split. Plus pension, other assets, investments.

Your career prospects, pension, sanity all take a hit. Only you know if it's worth going even part time.

custardbear · 05/04/2023 08:15

Honestly I think you'd be mad. You also wouldn't be paying into your state pension or a personal pension so you'd be screwed later in life if you split up. The dynamics really change! I'd be sharing part time work with partner in your case to be honest, saying that I wouldn't be I. That situation. I earn a lot more than my husband and we share money and savings as well as inheritance, both have our own pensions

ALLIS0N · 05/04/2023 08:15

Are you mad? Why on earth would you give up your job ( salary ,promotion prospects , pension ) to benefit the career of a mam you are not married to who won’t even share his savings with you ?

I know you might think you are giving it up for your child, but you are not . The person who benefits financially from this is your partner . He gets to earn more because he’s not doing his fair share of looking after his own child. I bet he’s not doing his share of housework or wifework either .

Tell me Op, do you both own the house you live in ? Do you both pay the mortgage ? Or does he pay the mortgage and you pay for food shopping etc ?

And the family childcare - is that your famliy or his?

Please tell me you back up plan if you and he split up? ( yes sadly you need one as between 1/3 and 1/2 won’t work out ).

Slimjimtobe · 05/04/2023 08:17

Few things -

I think it’s unfair to expect a family member minds your child for free when that much income is being put away each month (your partner is getting away with an awful lot!!)

I don’t think it’s fair to expect to be a Sahm - it’s an outdated concept and puts you in a vulnerable position

I didn’t want kids until I was married - where’s to real commitment here ?

keep your job and protect yourself & certainly cut down on your contribution to the mortgage due to lower income

ArcticSkewer · 05/04/2023 08:17

The easiest way to approach it is to tell him your financial position ... again .... and that you are losing a lot of money by staying at home, you can't afford it, your pension and savings are suffering, you are still paying 50% towards everything, therefore you need to focus on your career and promotion prospects to do well.

He understands money, he should understand he wouldn't put up with that for a second ... so why should you?

It means changes at home. 50:50 on everything includes cleaning, days off for child's sickness, doctors appointments etc.

He doesn't want the role of husband with sahwife which is fine, but it comes with its own consequences.

When married, his pension contributions and savings are actually yours as well. As not married, you need your own.

L3ThirtySeven · 05/04/2023 08:17

“You also wouldn't be paying into your state pension“

She would if she claimed child benefit regardless of whether they refuse the money due to DH being a high earner, or he pays it back when he does his taxes. OP would still get full NI credits towards her state pension so long as a child is aged 12 or under.

PragmaticWench · 05/04/2023 08:19

"so is understandably keen to set himself and us up so we don’t need to worry about £"

But he's not setting you up so you don't need ro worry about money, he's just setting himself up financially! You're not married, so his savings are just his.

If you become a SAHM, will he pay into your pension for those years? You'd also need to claim the child benefit but tick to not receive the money because he's clearly too high an earner for you to be eligible, and as a SAHM you would need the NI contribution.

Chocchops72 · 05/04/2023 08:19

Are you a family or are you not? Are you 'all in' or are you two separate individuals who just happen to live together? That's what it comes down to for me.

If you (jointly) decide that you want your (joint) child / shared household to benefit from having a SAHM for a few years, then you (jointly) decide how this can be (jointly) achieved. That's what being in a partnership means.

Individual finances can work, but only when the people involved have fairly equal income / outgoings and no one is disadvantaged / hugely advantaged by the arrangement.

You don't say what age you are or whether you plan to have any more kids, but what happens 20 years down the line and his savings have increased to multiples more than yours have? Does he agree to share then? Will you be left scrabbling around to fund 'your half' of the bills while he spends 'his' money?

ArcticSkewer · 05/04/2023 08:20

Good point as well ... I really hope it is his parents doing the childminding, not just yours. If it's yours only ... bill him

gkd1234 · 05/04/2023 08:21

I was a SAHP for many years. We struggled at the start - holidays were a free off-season week in friend's caravan (thank you friend) and big expenditures eg a new car, a new boiler, were a problem.

But the big difference was that everything we had, we pooled. There was no "his money" / "my money". All financial decisions - be it food, bills, things for the kids, for the house, holidays, right down to a haircut or clothes for me, were taken for the benefit of all of us as a unit and neither of us resented anyone else spending what we needed because we trusted each other to be sensible and keep the family afloat as a first priority. If we had money to save, then it went into a joint account; no one squirrelled away private savings.