We could afford for me to SAHM but it would reduce DPs savings each month.

[Whatsocurringmervin]

I am sorry if this isn’t the usual query on this forum, I suppose I am looking for some kind of similar experiences. My partner and I (together a long time but not married) have a young child together. I returned from maternity leave recently to my current role as I had an enhanced maternity payment scheme and had to return for 6 months or else pay back my 12 months maternity pay, which made sense to me financially even though it was challenging emotionally. Next month, my 6 months will be up and I can leave without a financial penalty for my work. I returned part time and I earn around £1,400 a month. My partner (who is a much higher earner than I) saves £1,700 into his personal savings a month. I am not super financially literate but trying to get my head in the game with it all. I had assumed he was maybe saving £400/£500 a month, not more than my current monthly salary. It wasn’t until recently I asked him to confirm the amount. He said this means we can do holidays and cover finances etc that we might need. Obviously we won’t spend £1,700 a month on holidays and just to reiterate that this is his personal savings that I have no access to in any way (something that would not bother me usually, pre baby) Some might say that it’s his salary and his right to 1) expect me to contribute financially as an adult in the family and 2) he can do as he wishes with his salary. I suppose it is the age old, what would a SAHP earn if they totalled up all the sleepless nights (I do them all, working or not) meals cooked, house cleaned etc. mental load for the household yada yada. Ideally, I’d prefer to be a SAHM until my child is in school, my partner has felt the same but said we just couldn’t afford it which made me sad but given the current financial climate I figured I had to suck it up. I would like to (and expect to) return to work when the baby is of school age, in an ideal world if I did stop working during this time. I am a bit shocked / upset to learn that he saves more than my monthly salary (this gives an indication of his high salary to you, I think)

And now I’m not sure where the “we simply can’t afford it darling” comes from… am I wrong to think we could afford it for the next few years and reduce his personal savings, or is that totally unreasonable? I am aware that this could all sound very brattish. I know we sound really lucky all in.

For the sake of all information, I do contribute financially to our household currently on my part time salary.

We do not pay for childcare on the days I work, our child is with family.

This money goes into his personal savings, we have personal savings and not combined which is how it has been throughout. His personal savings are around 35/40k. mine around 10k.

If this is TLDR in a nutshell it’s that we could afford for me to stay at home with our child until they are at school. Doing so would mean my partner reduces his personal savings pot for awhile whilst I don’t work outside the home. His salary is will go up yearly, if not biannually at the least.

It tells you on the form you'll get NI credits if you claim the money or not.
But you need to submit the form which also puts the child into the NI scheme and generates their NI number when they approach 16.

Op I wouldn't become a SAHP so take that out the discussions.
But you do need to discuss how your finances are split.

I would be having a big chat about this with him. For me, he would need to legally ensure I was protected (marriage, civil partnership, other legal agreement) or I would walk. This isn't a relationship, it's all about him and I think it could easily stray into financial abuse. But I just couldn't be with a selfish stingy man.

Why have you had a child with someone who doesn’t want to marry you? Madness. You’ve made yourself very financially vulnerable

That's not necessarily true. My DH just pays me a lump sum each month end I do whatever I want/need with it. Includes paying bills, DC activities, personal savings and fun stuff for me.

I do agree in this situation however she shouldn't stay at home unless married.

Just as an aside. I have a friend who is unmarried and a SAHP. I spiel say they are wealthy.

All savings and investments are in joint names.

He has a rental property (his house before they bought a house together) and he put it in her name.

I agree and I don't generally care too much about such things; however your post has made me see the value of the legality of marriage.

Your partner does not have to save so much money each month, half of that amount would be more than sufficient. I am speaking as someone who never saved anything, neither did my husband, when our child was small :-). It all worked out later on but years ago we had little or nothing (and overdrafts), after paying bills and mortgage. I did however always work part time which was good for all of us.

Carry on working even if only part time, it gives you independence and it is very nice going to work if you enjoy it, mixing with different people and being a person in your own right other than mother/partner. Take one day at a time but do reassess your relationship and finances. None of what you have described sounds fair to me.

You need to get back into FT work as a priority. You are in a very vulnerable financial position. Do not entertain PT work unless you are married (or unless it pays really well) - the financial hit you will take is far too big a risk.

In terms of speaking to your partner. Tell him you are returning to work FT. Therefore the split of nursery costs will need to be met - and he will also need to ensure that he is taking his fair share of the domestic chores, childcare arrangements for illness and so on.

You and in a partnership, not a marriage. Partnership means that everything - including the shit-work - gets split down the middle. The only way that changes is if you get married, because marriage protects your financial position in the event of things going tits up.

If he objects, then point out that he's expecting the benefits of marriage - PT working wife, childcare taken care of, domestic drudgery sorted - without any of the 'cost' (aka the risk of a financial hit to him in the event of a divorce).

Also it might be worth him being aware of how much child support would be expected if you split up.

Financially, you'd probably be a lot better off splitting up now than 10 years time.

Can I just say, with no irony, how much I love Mumsnet?

It does drive me mad at times, but it's a place where women actually get realistic and frank advice about situations that can leave them extremely financially vulnerable.

You need to go back to work FT, start getting pay rises / bonuses and saving yourself (as you have family childcare this should be easier for you than most). Have you got a decent amount of equity in the house? Would 50% of it provide a decent deposit for a new property?

Legally it's his money. Legally he can do with it what he likes. Legally he doesn't have to subsidise you and your child at all while he lives in the same property as you. And he has no intention of changing that view. He has told you this already. Are you not angry and upset by his responses with regard to child support and marriage? Why do you want to deliberately make yourself and your child poor and vulnerable?

Have you not been on here long? Have you not read all the threads where women who give up work unmarried get shafted.

Do not downsize your career/pension contributions one single tiny bit unless you're married. Make sure you know where all the money is and that you have your ducks in a row as this sounds like a man who is in it for himself only.

You don't share finances so DEFINITELY do not give up your employment for years, leaving you entirely dependant on DP. If you split up you will only be entitled to child maintenance based on CMS calculation (and your proportion of any equity in the house, if you own it jointly). Could you afford to live on that if your relationship ended?

It's risky for any woman to go part time or SAHM, regardless of marital status. The hit you take to your pension and future earning power is almost unrecoverable within a few years.

Doesn’t think marriages last and that divorces are nasty and I guess inevitable.

I’m not sure divorce in necessarily inevitable but it’s a fact that nearly 50% of all marriages, sadly, do fail. And divorce puts any assets you may have at risk. I guess that’s not lost on somebody who grew up in poverty and has secured a good job and financial security for themselves. Have the conversation around finances by all means but you cannot force him to marry you so you need to secure your own security.

Don't give up your earning potential
Don't give up your pension
Don't give up your financial independence

You have zero protection if you're not married.

Notwithstanding this, it has to be a joint decision for one parent to be a SAHP, he sounds like he would massively resent you for giving up work and thus reducing his savings pot.

Don't do it.

Considering savings to be a non negotiable expense is a luxury point of view only available to those who can afford to save.

If the OP's partner thinks that saving £1700 a month is a non negotiable expense, how does he justify making the OP pay for 50% of their joint expenses from her £1400 total take home pay?

If she’s been earning £1400 a month he’s probably been paying for holidays, days out and big purchases from his savings so they may have dipped.

OP, you absolutely cannot be a SAHM in this situation. He doesn’t want to get married and he doesn’t want you to leave work/ has stated you can’t afford it. Clearly the savings aren’t negotiable for him. It’s not even an option for you.

(By which I mean making her pay a disproportionate amount of her take home pay towards their joint expenses, meaning that she can't afford to save.)

For the sake of all information, I do contribute financially to our household currently on my part time salary

I think it’s a good idea that both people in a partnership earns and contribute financially to the household-no matter how much each earns. If you’re not married though, I think you’d be mad not to work full time.

A friend of mines partner recently left her with three young kids. He always said they'd get married when they completed their family so the kids could be at their wedding. Instead he walked . Don't become a sahm without being married as you would be very vulnerable.

The advice on here is always the lower earner is protected financially and legally by marriage. The higher earner does better not marrying as they can walk away with whatever they've earned, hidden or otherwise.

Is your child with your family or his when you work? I would find it especially galling to discover he was saving so much whilst getting free childcare from my family members. To me, it would feel like he was profiteering off their kindness. That, in itself, would be a warning.

OP is also gaining from their kindness though? I don’t think that’s fair.

We own our home together in joint name, we have a joint account for bills that is in my name but it doesn’t have savings linked to it.

I’ll have some frank conversations with him ASAP, I don’t want to screw my self financially and even with the nicest partner in the world, if you’re screwed you’re screwed!

I think that the idea of marriage screwing him over is putting him off really, as this would be the case in all likelihood.

lots of his friends/family have had tricky prolonged divorces that have resulted in the man losing a lot of his assets (pensions etc) so I guess that’s why. He is clearly nothing if not financially self serving (which I need to be!)