Husband says he can't cope getting up at night

[Lights22]

We have two children (4 and just turned 1). Neither have ever slept through the night although the 4 year old improved significantly when we started to cosleep. I don't remember what we did with the eldest when she was younger and before cosleeping but this time round I'm struggling with the night feeds and full time work. It wasn't easy on mat leave but at least I didn't have any responsibilities towards anyone else during the day and bub and I could muddle through. For reference he was waking up up to 17 times a night, is now about 6. Sometimes it's a cuddle and back to sleep, other times it's both boobs and back to sleep.

It dawned on me shortly after going back to work that it was silly and not exactly fair that I was still doing all the night wakings despite now being back at work full time so spoke with husband about it and he now gets up when I tell him to.

I've noticed though a change in his behaviour for being more tired in the days. Much shorter with the eldest in particular. Some other things too but mainly affecting his relationships with us in the family. Over dinner tonight I said I've been thinking about nights and maybe it's not working him getting up because of the impact it is having, and he replied saying he can't cope with it.

I was kind of stumped. I've not had a single solid night's sleep for 5 years now (rubbish pregnancy with eldest). And I mean: Not. A. Single. Night. I'm now grey, wrinkled, fat, finding being the ever-accommodating manager who has complex conversations at work very tricky, to say the very least. Does he think I can cope? I guess technically I've not had a meltdown (well I did get unwell during the second pregnancy and started meds and got help etc, but potentially that was hormonal... Jury is still out). Technically I'm still alive and functioning and adore my family. But he can't cope. What an odd word. What an odd thing to say to me!

I'm not here for you to slag off my husband, he's a kind and loving man, but I'm perplexed. Like, what would happen if I said that? How do I carry on doing all the nights and the full time job? I don't really get it. And no, part time is not an option 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ask him. Why does he have the option of not coping when you don’t? What would happen if you stopped the night wakings because you “couldn’t cope”? This is his issue to
resolve, so I’d stop worrying about it alone and hand the mental load of that back over to him too.

He needs to cope.

You do

You can’t do both OP. He honestly just has to suck it up, like you are doing!
You’ll end up ill if he doesn’t contribute.

I would sleep train so I didn’t have to get up 6 times in the night to a 1 year old. But I know lots of people don’t like that idea. I’m sorry if you’ve already tried that, all children are different. Not sure what to say about your husband. He’s just checking out.

No way. It should be shared. The early years are exhausting and the nights do take their toll but even with one parent working and one on mat leave we always split the night feeds otherwise it wasn't fair. He can't just opt out!

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say some people do cope better with less sleep/disrupted sleep than others. Not saying this is necessarily women, I think it can be either way round. My husband really struggles with it whereas although I feel tired, it isn't a massive issue for me. Therefore I do all the night wakes apart from when he is on holiday and he does some then, or when I am away overnight. I have a friend who has the reverse situation and her husband does most of the nights.

I think you have to find what works for you as a couple. In fairness, your one year olds sleeping sounds pretty terrible for his age if that is what he is doing every night. I think that would be a killer for anyone trying to work. I would tackle his sleeping as the priority, and work out between you how your going to manage to do that. Personally I would night wean, a 1 year old doesn't need feeding at night, it's just habit and a sleep crutch. Then decide whether or not the co-sleeping is working for you all and if not try and wean off that as well.

Did you tell him all this OP?

PS you're right of course!

I don’t think anyone could sustain this- honestly you need to sleep train, it’s unreasonable to expect more from your husband just because you’ve coped with this nightmare for so long. Unless there’s a medical reason for either kid waking constantly, tackle the sleep- don’t Co sleep, don’t sssh them to sleep for hours- if they are healthy and well fed just sleep train them.

I agree that sleep training would help this. Maybe you have already tried, but you all need a rest and that might be the best solution.

nice try!

it’s ok for you to struggle - but not him?

hmmmm…

Another vote for sleep training. Nobody can cope with 6 times a night for as long as you have tried to, that’s the point. Give the gift of sleep.

I guess it depends how far you want to push this?

My DH wouldn't cope with this. I do. I think I adapted to it during maternity leave. Perhaps I wouldn't have been able to adapt while I was working, I don't know.

If I made DH do nights he would sleep train without question, and probably just opt for cry it out in the hope of doing it quickly. I wouldn't have wanted that so I've always done night waking. The exception is when our eldest was 3 he took over for 6 months - she woke for a wee without fail between 2&3am and I was pregnant with twins and just booted him out of bed for that one.

If he won't do it, you need to decide what matters to you most. If you give him responsibility, he needs to be allowed to deal with that how he sees fit. So if he wants to sleep train/ignore a certain amount of crying you'd have to let him choose that path. You can't make him do it your way if he says he can't/won't.

If you're struggling, do consider what you could do that might improve sleep. I know it seems almost impossible when you're tired, but there might be changed you could make to make things easier for you.

Sleep train. If you have a 4 year old in bed with you every night and a one year old waking up 6 times a night, neither of those things are sustainable.

Maybe you could do all the nights and he could take some of the morning/evening/weekend tasks off you in return, seeing as daytime is more manageable for him.

Perhaps he could do dinner, bath time and bedtime while you sit and put your feet up?

So me and my DH did alternate nights, the one who didn't get up slept with ear plugs. This helped massively. Have you tried anything like this?

Another vote for sleep training.
No it's not reasonable that he does less than you, but neither is it reasonable to have to do what you're describing rather than sleep train.

What would happen if you were ill/had to go away for a few days, OP?

This. I can’t believe you have let this sleep situation carry on for so long. Sort it out.

I didn't like the idea of sleep training any of mine and just co slept in order to get some decent sleep.

But waking 6 times a night at over a year old?

Honestly I'm stumped. It's difficult for me to suggest something I didn't do myself but you are both going to end up rocking in a corner if something isn't done.

Would it be possible for you both to take annual leave for a week or so and for you to go and sleep at a relative's house and let your DH settle the baby alone. You then come home in the morning and let your DH sleep if he's had a shit night. I used to work shifts including nights and my DCs learned to settle very quickly for others but were fussy when I was there because they wanted boob.

Mine are teenagers now and you can't get them out of bed now so "this too shall pass".

Another vote for sleep training. I don’t understand how you can cope with this, never mind both of you.

Whist it seems unfair that he has said he can’t cope, actually I think neither of you can, and that’s understandable. It probably isn’t anything to do with expecting you to cope- he’s explaining his feelings/reactions which you have actually noted too. He wants a solution..so sleep training is that if you’re unwilling to take it all on.

Over dinner tonight I said I've been thinking about nights and maybe it's not working him getting up because of the impact it is having, and he replied saying he can't cope with it.

Wasnt he just being honest because you brought it up?

When I was on mat leave my husband also avoided doing the nights as much as possible, said he wouldn't be able to hear the baby, excuses etc.
I then ended up returning to work early full time and him going part time and so he has had to step up with the nights. But his moods are honestly awful. He will stomp about grumbling in the night so none of us get any sleep with the disturbance he creates. I don't know if he is expecting me to tell him not to worry and I will take care of it (which I haven't and will not), but it would be easier to just do it myself!
I have told him I cannot cope with broken sleep every night and then having to function at work. As he isn't at work most days, he knows there's nothing he can say back to me about that. So yes, he gets on with it, but not quietly! I'm sorry, I don't have an answer for how to get him to do his fair share with good grace, I wish I did.

Unfortunately I'm very familiar with the phrase "I can't cope". My STBEXH text me that when he left after nearly 20 years together after we had twins the year before.
He wasn't even getting up for night feeds or doing 10% of the parenting, and yes I also worked full time - in the more demanding job

I too find the use of the word "cope" odd. I think about it at night when I've eventually wrangled 3 young children into bed (usually mine), what would have happened if I had said I can't cope with this and packed MH bags and left a week later like he did

My only advice is to attempt to sleep train - although have to say I've never been very good at it. But if the kids do come into my bed at least they will sleep through the night

Oh and I'd also wean him off breastfeeding at night

I'd start by sorting out the 4yr old. They need to be sleeping through - in their own bed. They will be exhausted for school otherwise.

I'd also get the 1yr old in their own room too as you are likely keeping them awake both awake all in together. (I know co- sleeping works for some families but I'd suggest it isn't working for you!).

Can you do a nice redecor of the kids bedrooms, get them to help choose the decor particualry the older one - new bedding etc Make it their big girl/boy room(s) and encourage them both to sleep in there, stay in bed all night - get some gro clocks - you get up when the face smiles etc.

But yeah your husband needs to play his part too!