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Original poster

Husband says he can't cope getting up at night

145 replies

Lights22 · 04/04/2023 19:12

We have two children (4 and just turned 1). Neither have ever slept through the night although the 4 year old improved significantly when we started to cosleep. I don't remember what we did with the eldest when she was younger and before cosleeping but this time round I'm struggling with the night feeds and full time work. It wasn't easy on mat leave but at least I didn't have any responsibilities towards anyone else during the day and bub and I could muddle through. For reference he was waking up up to 17 times a night, is now about 6. Sometimes it's a cuddle and back to sleep, other times it's both boobs and back to sleep.

It dawned on me shortly after going back to work that it was silly and not exactly fair that I was still doing all the night wakings despite now being back at work full time so spoke with husband about it and he now gets up when I tell him to.

I've noticed though a change in his behaviour for being more tired in the days. Much shorter with the eldest in particular. Some other things too but mainly affecting his relationships with us in the family. Over dinner tonight I said I've been thinking about nights and maybe it's not working him getting up because of the impact it is having, and he replied saying he can't cope with it.

I was kind of stumped. I've not had a single solid night's sleep for 5 years now (rubbish pregnancy with eldest). And I mean: Not. A. Single. Night. I'm now grey, wrinkled, fat, finding being the ever-accommodating manager who has complex conversations at work very tricky, to say the very least. Does he think I can cope? I guess technically I've not had a meltdown (well I did get unwell during the second pregnancy and started meds and got help etc, but potentially that was hormonal... Jury is still out). Technically I'm still alive and functioning and adore my family. But he can't cope. What an odd word. What an odd thing to say to me!

I'm not here for you to slag off my husband, he's a kind and loving man, but I'm perplexed. Like, what would happen if I said that? How do I carry on doing all the nights and the full time job? I don't really get it. And no, part time is not an option 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Inthebathagain · 04/04/2023 20:49

Your poor DH. He's getting up at night and being dad. It's having an impact on him, and he's still doing it anyway without telling you he's finding it hard. Then you tell him your observations, he's honest with you, and you post on here for him to get a roasting.

Good on him for saying he can't cope with the sleep deprivation. Parenting shouldn't be a race to the bottom and who's more the martyr.

What you should have said to him/he should have said to you when your first was under a year old: "My/your mat leave ends soon. How can we work together to get this littlie to sleep through the night?"

Rinse and repeat for the youngest.

Chewbecca · 04/04/2023 20:52

I would sort out the sleeping. I couldn’t cope with years of sleep deprivation either. You can sort this.

Echobelly · 04/04/2023 20:55

I do think a lot of guys find it easy to convince themselves that the woman in their life just likes cleaning up, or just has more energy, or just more 'cope'.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

4 year olds Families General parenting
coffee06 · 04/04/2023 20:57

I'm interested to know what perplexes you about the fact that your husband has had enough of your 1 year old getting up 6 times a night (and it was 17?!)?

For goodness sake, do something! Sleep train! This is not normal. How you are still functioning day to day is beyond me. Why do people do this to themselves?

Goldbar · 04/04/2023 20:57

Briallen · 04/04/2023 20:10

I would say ‘neither can I. So what shall we do?’ It is an issue for you both not just you. And I would seriously consider sleep training

I agree with this - I would ask him for solutions that don't involve you taking over his share of night wakings. Because if he can't cope with doing 50% of it, you sure as hell shouldn't have to cope with doing 100%.

SarahAndQuack · 04/04/2023 21:04

coffee06 · 04/04/2023 20:57

I'm interested to know what perplexes you about the fact that your husband has had enough of your 1 year old getting up 6 times a night (and it was 17?!)?

For goodness sake, do something! Sleep train! This is not normal. How you are still functioning day to day is beyond me. Why do people do this to themselves?

Well, it is normal, though. It may not be the average experience, but it's not abnormal, and it's not always resolved by sleep training. I know, because my DD was this (and more). Unfortunately, we were told by many health professionals that it was perfectly normal, and - unfortunately - sleep training didn't work.

I absolutely agree sleep training is worth trying. But I think it's important not to make the OP feel as if this is a simple fix she ought to have sorted by now. It's really shit when people do that. It's hard enough already dealing with a child who doesn't sleep, without ignorant people telling you it's abnormal and/or easily solved.

SarahAndQuack · 04/04/2023 21:06

Inthebathagain · 04/04/2023 20:49

Your poor DH. He's getting up at night and being dad. It's having an impact on him, and he's still doing it anyway without telling you he's finding it hard. Then you tell him your observations, he's honest with you, and you post on here for him to get a roasting.

Good on him for saying he can't cope with the sleep deprivation. Parenting shouldn't be a race to the bottom and who's more the martyr.

What you should have said to him/he should have said to you when your first was under a year old: "My/your mat leave ends soon. How can we work together to get this littlie to sleep through the night?"

Rinse and repeat for the youngest.

That's very unfair. Did you not bother to read the OP properly? She says very clearly she is not interested in people having a go at her husband, and she is very clear he is a lovely person. You seem to be trying to pick a fight.

HaggisBurger · 04/04/2023 21:09

turnthebiglightoff · 04/04/2023 19:54

Sleep train. If you have a 4 year old in bed with you every night and a one year old waking up 6 times a night, neither of those things are sustainable.

This. There really is no need for you both to be so shattered.

Parenting is hard enough with a proper night’s sleep. Early days / months yes you should expect to be up at night. Not 4 years in. Crazy.

Snugglemonkey · 04/04/2023 21:11

TheUndoing · 04/04/2023 19:15

Ask him. Why does he have the option of not coping when you don’t? What would happen if you stopped the night wakings because you “couldn’t cope”? This is his issue to
resolve, so I’d stop worrying about it alone and hand the mental load of that back over to him too.

Definitely this.

Hercisback · 04/04/2023 21:12

I couldn't cope so we sleep trained.

No one needs to be awake six times in the night every night for a 1yo.

glasshole · 04/04/2023 21:14

SErunner123 · 04/04/2023 19:38

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say some people do cope better with less sleep/disrupted sleep than others. Not saying this is necessarily women, I think it can be either way round. My husband really struggles with it whereas although I feel tired, it isn't a massive issue for me. Therefore I do all the night wakes apart from when he is on holiday and he does some then, or when I am away overnight. I have a friend who has the reverse situation and her husband does most of the nights.

I think you have to find what works for you as a couple. In fairness, your one year olds sleeping sounds pretty terrible for his age if that is what he is doing every night. I think that would be a killer for anyone trying to work. I would tackle his sleeping as the priority, and work out between you how your going to manage to do that. Personally I would night wean, a 1 year old doesn't need feeding at night, it's just habit and a sleep crutch. Then decide whether or not the co-sleeping is working for you all and if not try and wean off that as well.

I agree with this. For me, my mental health hinges on getting a solid 6 -8 hours a night. When I gave birth and had the sleepless nights in my first relationship my mental health suffered horrifically. I did everything. He did nothing. It was only in my second relationship where my DH again never ever woke in the night with the baby- but happily got up at 6am with ALL the kids and left me till 8 to catch up, and gave me every weekend to sleep in until 10am that I realised how valuable my sleep was. I went from being in mood stabilisers with the first two pregnancies to being a bit grumpy after my third and fourth babies. So we did what worked for us. I did every single night feed but he did every single morning so I could literally wake up, brush my teeth and get dressed and go. He also enabled me to nap wherever possible and gave me kid free to time to enjoy a long bath etc. He would take the kids to his mums when they were a bit older and she would have the youngest with her, so once every 2 weeks I got a full 12 hours. But then we're strictly enforced sleep training so they were all in their own beds for 7.30pm by 12 months ( unless poorly etc) . That's what saved me ultimately.

Can you afford to hire a Sleep consultant?

Antiquiteas · 04/04/2023 21:15

Night wean, sleep train, tell your husband to buck his ideas up.

gamerchick · 04/04/2023 21:15

What struck me is he wants both boobs during the night. That says proper hunger. What's his eating like? Does he have supper?

Mine got something like ready brek before bed. I breastfed and co slept but no way would i have coped with 6 times a night wakings at one.

coffee06 · 04/04/2023 21:18

@SarahAndQuack

I apologise if my post came across as offensive. I did not actually say that sleep training is easy. You are correct, lack of sleep is a killer and maybe the OP didn't need to read my post to add fuel to the fire.

I will say, though, that I disagree about the wakings. No 1 year old needs to be up 6 times a night. They are waking out of habit. It sounds as though he/she is waking for the comfort of nursing. If the OP is happy with this then fine, but it sounds to be as if she is near breaking point and I'm not surprised that her husband is as well.

I adore my children but I simply can't understand the mentality of running yourself into the absolute ground with sleep deprivation and pandering to millions of wakings, night after night. It's ludicrous. Parental mental health matters too.

LondonLovie · 04/04/2023 21:20

How can either of you cope? This situation isn't sustainable. He's reached out to you and said basically he can't cope with this anymore, I can't imagine how either of you can remotely function. Sounds like a nightmare for you, but also your children. How can they get through the day, after such broken sleep.

Speak to a sleep consultant ASAP, and do your whole family a huge favour. Good luck

ConstanceOcean · 04/04/2023 21:20

coffee06 · 04/04/2023 20:57

I'm interested to know what perplexes you about the fact that your husband has had enough of your 1 year old getting up 6 times a night (and it was 17?!)?

For goodness sake, do something! Sleep train! This is not normal. How you are still functioning day to day is beyond me. Why do people do this to themselves?

If DH is struggling then he can sleep train the child. It’s not just up to OP.

coffee06 · 04/04/2023 21:21

@ConstanceOcean I agree. I didn't specify the OP, they both need to play a part!

NameChange30 · 04/04/2023 21:25

Oh my goodness.

Are you saying that your 4yo sleeps with you in your bed? Where does the 1yo sleep, then? In a cot in your bedroom or their own bedroom?

Some families all cosleep together in a massive bed and it works for them. But it sounds as if this isn't working for you or your husband.

I've been there with the competitive tiredness, and resentment about doing the night feeds (even though I chose to breastfeed). For me, the answer was to sleep train. Went cold turkey on the night feeds - it's tough for a couple of nights but then it's fine.

I really don't think this is a husband problem, it's a sleep problem, and you need to work together to research, choose and work on a solution.

ConstanceOcean · 04/04/2023 21:27

I really struggled to cope with night wakings but as a teen single mum I had to get over it.

For now, focus on catching up on your sleep.
Go to bed early and get DH to look after the DCs and then put them to bed, so you have some proper sleep.
Then get him to do the night wakings until a certain time like midnight.
Then you take over with the night wakings from midnight onwards and then get up with them in the mornings so he can lie in.
Or vice versa.

This way you’ll both get a good few hours of sleep.

I would also make sure they’re fed something filling before bedtime.
If they’re waking up hungry then the breast milk alone is filling enough.

Once you get into a routine of both having a decent sleep then I’d look into sleep training and doing half the night each as above.

SheliaTakeItBack · 04/04/2023 21:28

Ds2 was a very poorly baby and under a paediatrician. Because he woke in the night Dh and I worked a shift pattern based on our ability to fall back asleep. 10pm-2am was me because I could easily fall back to sleep during those hours, any later and I would be wide awake. Dh can sleep standing up so he took the 2am-6am shift meaning that we both had a minimum of 4 hours.

Dh had a lie in on Saturday morning and I had one on Sunday. We often went to bed early too to catch up on sleep. It isn't a competition as to who is the most tired, we just tried to battle through it as best we could. Don't be the default parent getting up in the night if you are affected too. Maybe agree nights in advance which may help mentally just knowing tonight you are on call or tonight you get to sleep.

TomatoSandwiches · 04/04/2023 21:30

If he can't cope then ask him what ideas or suggestions he has to help fix the problem, he can't just expect you to come up with every possible solution, he needs to take some initiative.

Comii9 · 04/04/2023 21:31

Why isn't your eldest child sleeping through OP? The youngest is understandably though they are still a baby at 12 months old and feeding.

Your life has changed though you have 2 DC NOT sleeping you need to reduce your hours at work it's utter madness. Perhaps your DH can't cope... it depends what job he does... what job does he do?

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 04/04/2023 21:34

He needs to dig deeper.

It's that simple.

Stormydanielss · 04/04/2023 21:35

I would have said, well me neither so what are we going to do about it

Fromwetome · 04/04/2023 21:37

your children’s sleeping habits are NOT normal, no matter how normalised mumsnet makes it seem, a child needing to co-sleep or waking 17 times a night is not okay. Sleep is vital for human functioning and you are effectively giving yourself brain damage letting this carry on for so long.

your husband can’t cope? Tough, you’ve both allowed this abnormal routine to happen so you can both deal with it. If you both can’t deal with it then you both need to going back to step one with a process and go through the hell of properly sleep training your kids so that you can all sleep and feel better.