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Original poster

Husband says he can't cope getting up at night

145 replies

Lights22 · 04/04/2023 19:12

We have two children (4 and just turned 1). Neither have ever slept through the night although the 4 year old improved significantly when we started to cosleep. I don't remember what we did with the eldest when she was younger and before cosleeping but this time round I'm struggling with the night feeds and full time work. It wasn't easy on mat leave but at least I didn't have any responsibilities towards anyone else during the day and bub and I could muddle through. For reference he was waking up up to 17 times a night, is now about 6. Sometimes it's a cuddle and back to sleep, other times it's both boobs and back to sleep.

It dawned on me shortly after going back to work that it was silly and not exactly fair that I was still doing all the night wakings despite now being back at work full time so spoke with husband about it and he now gets up when I tell him to.

I've noticed though a change in his behaviour for being more tired in the days. Much shorter with the eldest in particular. Some other things too but mainly affecting his relationships with us in the family. Over dinner tonight I said I've been thinking about nights and maybe it's not working him getting up because of the impact it is having, and he replied saying he can't cope with it.

I was kind of stumped. I've not had a single solid night's sleep for 5 years now (rubbish pregnancy with eldest). And I mean: Not. A. Single. Night. I'm now grey, wrinkled, fat, finding being the ever-accommodating manager who has complex conversations at work very tricky, to say the very least. Does he think I can cope? I guess technically I've not had a meltdown (well I did get unwell during the second pregnancy and started meds and got help etc, but potentially that was hormonal... Jury is still out). Technically I'm still alive and functioning and adore my family. But he can't cope. What an odd word. What an odd thing to say to me!

I'm not here for you to slag off my husband, he's a kind and loving man, but I'm perplexed. Like, what would happen if I said that? How do I carry on doing all the nights and the full time job? I don't really get it. And no, part time is not an option 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
RollingInTheCreek · 04/04/2023 20:08

I don’t really blame your DH- he didn’t suddenly refuse to do nights but he did answer honestly when asked directly. And there is NO way I’d cope with that sleep pattern it sounds hideous. You may be willing to put up with it (which is fine and your choice) but he’s allowed to respectfully say this isn’t working.
You need to bite the bullet and sleep train. It’s not sustainable and you’re both going to end up unwell.

Briallen · 04/04/2023 20:10

I would say ‘neither can I. So what shall we do?’ It is an issue for you both not just you. And I would seriously consider sleep training

gotmychristmasmiracle · 04/04/2023 20:13

Obvs you should both be sharing it if working full time but I would also look at sleep training for the little ones as there is no reason for them to be waking through the night, do they share a room? X

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AFlockOfTigers · 04/04/2023 20:13

Take a week's holiday and night wean. IME the night waking automatically improves massively once you night wean.

LindorDoubleChoc · 04/04/2023 20:14

I'm sorry but I couldn't be bothered to read through that whole complicated and very long op. But really there is no reason why a 4 year old and a 1 year old can't sleep for 10ish hours per night. So, I would be thinking same as your husband.

Aturnipforthebooks · 04/04/2023 20:15

People are affected differently by sleep deprivation and I don't think he was unreasonable to say he's not coping when you asked him.

I agree that it's worth sleep training. It wouldn't be anywhere near as cruel as you are being to yourselves.

Xrays · 04/04/2023 20:15

No one should be getting up 6 times a night with children of this age. 😳 (I mean we did - our son has autism and a diagnosed sleep disorder and he has never slept through at now aged 10, when he was a toddler he’d be awake 36 hours in a row at times, he’s been on melatonin since he was 3, but sen needs aside - unless you think that’s a possibility?- you need to sleep train).

Paperexcelandpens · 04/04/2023 20:17

I couldn't cope with that either. What sleep training have you tried op? Maybe we could make some suggestions.

BessieSurtees · 04/04/2023 20:20

Why have you never had a nights sleep has your DH never done a whole night in 4 years?

Have you tried alternate nights? One of you has a full nights sleep every other night. Meanwhile you work to get a good routine. Does the 1 year old need night feeds or the breast, have you tried to night wean them? Would the 4 year old sleep better with one less person in the bed?

Lizardonachair · 04/04/2023 20:22

I think that is a very selfish thing for him to say given that you have not slept in so long. However, I could not cope on that amount of sleep either. If I was your husband I would be thinking of solutions to offer such as sleep training rather than saying unhelpful things.

AegonT · 04/04/2023 20:24

You bought it up and he was honest. I can't believe you can cope with being woken multiple times a night and go to work. Have you spoken to the health visitors or considered sleep training? Your kids need better quality sleep too. Maybe takle the 4 year old's sleep first.

Happyhappyday · 04/04/2023 20:25

Unless there are some complicated additional needs going on, sleep train fgs!! If your husband is struggling, make him do it.

Comedycook · 04/04/2023 20:29

You can't go on like this. Does your eldest have sn? Why are they not sleeping through?

Happyhappyday · 04/04/2023 20:29

Also, sleep deprivation literally made me have suicidal ideation, it’s completely reasonable for him not to be coping. It is not reasonable for you to not teach your children to sleep. The solution is not for either of you to suck it up with chronic sleep deprivation.

OhcantthInkofaname · 04/04/2023 20:31

Dragonsandcats · 04/04/2023 19:17

I would sleep train so I didn’t have to get up 6 times in the night to a 1 year old. But I know lots of people don’t like that idea. I’m sorry if you’ve already tried that, all children are different. Not sure what to say about your husband. He’s just checking out.

I agree. I couldn't cope either. Simply sleep train your child/children or don't whine about it.

Lcb123 · 04/04/2023 20:31

Some people do cope better than others with interrupted sleep. What stuck out for me was “when I tell him to”. Surely it’s best to make arrangements in advance so he knows when he has to wake up, I.e. do half the night each or alternate nights,
a 4 year old should really be sleeping through the night in their own bed, in general.

samqueens · 04/04/2023 20:34

agree with other posters saying it’s fair for your H to answer honestly and clearly he’s been trying to do it and you’ve noticed yourself the impact that it’s had on him. The fact that you’ve managed this long is great but clearly it’s not sustainable for you either.

best tip I can offer for the one year old is to swap to Ella’s baby brekkie pouches at night! No muss no fuss, take them to bed with you, give them to the baby in their cot. If they’re hungry they will scarf them down and go back to sleep, if they don’t you know they are just waking for a cuddle and the. It’s up to you if you want to keep doing that or not…

can you put the 4 yo on a mattress on your floor to begin the process of getting them to their own bed? It sounds like you have a partner who is present and an honest relationship so try and find a solution that’s going to work for the team.

good luck!

NaturalBae · 04/04/2023 20:34

We were luckily that all 3 DC slept throughout the night from six months old with the occasional waking up during the night, especially if they are unwell. Both DH and I work.

DC1 loves their sleep and as a child had to be dragged out of bed unless we had an early flight for a holiday.
DC2 is a light sleeper and an early bird like DH, so I used to leave them both to it. I was working FT then.
DC3 was fine until we moved house and he had his own bedroom for the first time just before he turned 3 yrs old, so we had to sleep with him in his bed most nights for the best part of 1 year to get him to sleep. Mainly me as I was working 3 days pw back then.

I’m a Night Owl and also a deep sleeper, so DH often hears the DC get up before I do.

Maybe you need to pretend you’re asleep when the DC wake up in the middle of the night. Just ignore and mumble some gibberish if DH tries to wake you. Tell him you were and still are absolutely knackered when he refers to it in the morning.

I think it’s time for you to go on holiday without DH and the DC!

But, seriously it’s time for sleep training otherwise you’ll continue to look haggard and you’ll make yourself ill.

It’s definitely not fair that you’re doing all of the night wakings. Your DH needs to pull his weight. It’s tough. And it’s called being a parent. He’ll just have to suck it up like you have. You should at least be taking turns so you are able to get at least a few nights of unbroken sleep 3-4 times a week.

Somuchgoo · 04/04/2023 20:41

I had similar children when it came to sleep. 6 times a night was better than average tbh. I coped somehow, but what was with a husband who was still up nightly with the older one and did mornings so I could catch up (boobs never he couldn't do nights with the 1yo).

Yes we were both knackered, but at both coped, and it was both of our issue to resolve. As it turned out, the youngests terrible sleeping was probably at least partially for a medical reason which meant she would have felt awful, but too young to express it. I'm very relieved that we didn't leave her to cry. It's a very unusual circumstance though.

However, I don't think your child's wakings are as unusual as people on here seen to think. Worse than average, sure, but within the range of normal still.

He should have been mucking in more since the babies were born.

Helpmethanks · 04/04/2023 20:42

There are sleep trainers that can help you
Others may come along with different suggestions but Millpond are good, it’s not cheap though

Softsoftsleep · 04/04/2023 20:42

My one year old wakes every hour and I'm back at work. I want to sleep train but no idea where to start. I'm almost too tired to sleep train. My husband says I need to wean the baby off the boob but it's easier said than done. You have my sympathies op

SarahAndQuack · 04/04/2023 20:44

He needs to cope.

My DP really struggles with broken sleep. But them's the breaks.

In the interest of keeping things civil, it might help if you could work out how to make life as easy as possible. Eg., can you agree that the night owl of the two of you does until 3am, and the lark does 3-morning? (If you happen to fall into owl/lark categories - if you don't, maybe alternate?). Can you agree that you'll each have a lie-in on weekends? (That can be a godsend.)

But he can't just opt out. You are right, that is unfair.

I agree with other posters that it would be ideal if your older child slept better, but I think your husband could also consider some input here.

If you do have a conversation and he really doesn't get it, then I think perhaps you need to have a week or two where you simply can't cope. I don't mean in a manipulative way: I just mean, you need to say, sorry, I am shattered. Right now I cannot cope. If he can give himself permission to say and feel that, so can you. It needn't be phrased as tit for tat or anything like that, but it needs to be clear to him that, actually, you are not magic and you do not have an endless capacity to endure.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 04/04/2023 20:45

He needs to start settling them both (ideally in their own beds) in the evenings and getting up with them early in the mornings, so that you can split your sleep and sleep in the evening and mornings. I found that dh was eventually able to settle them without feeding, whereas if I was there then they just wanted feeding. Once they broke the association with food and going to sleep they slept much better at night anyway.

Darhon · 04/04/2023 20:45

I would have a concerted effort to get the 4 year old to sleep in their own bed. New bedding, toy, reward chart. You aren’t sleeping well with them
in the bed. Then is night wean the one year old. You deserve to sleep and you all sound tired and exhausted.

lemonsugarsnap · 04/04/2023 20:46

Well it doesn't really sound like either of you are coping with it. Has he actually said he won't do it anymore, that he wants to do something about it or was he just venting?

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