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Parenting

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Original poster

Husband says he can't cope getting up at night

145 replies

Lights22 · 04/04/2023 19:12

We have two children (4 and just turned 1). Neither have ever slept through the night although the 4 year old improved significantly when we started to cosleep. I don't remember what we did with the eldest when she was younger and before cosleeping but this time round I'm struggling with the night feeds and full time work. It wasn't easy on mat leave but at least I didn't have any responsibilities towards anyone else during the day and bub and I could muddle through. For reference he was waking up up to 17 times a night, is now about 6. Sometimes it's a cuddle and back to sleep, other times it's both boobs and back to sleep.

It dawned on me shortly after going back to work that it was silly and not exactly fair that I was still doing all the night wakings despite now being back at work full time so spoke with husband about it and he now gets up when I tell him to.

I've noticed though a change in his behaviour for being more tired in the days. Much shorter with the eldest in particular. Some other things too but mainly affecting his relationships with us in the family. Over dinner tonight I said I've been thinking about nights and maybe it's not working him getting up because of the impact it is having, and he replied saying he can't cope with it.

I was kind of stumped. I've not had a single solid night's sleep for 5 years now (rubbish pregnancy with eldest). And I mean: Not. A. Single. Night. I'm now grey, wrinkled, fat, finding being the ever-accommodating manager who has complex conversations at work very tricky, to say the very least. Does he think I can cope? I guess technically I've not had a meltdown (well I did get unwell during the second pregnancy and started meds and got help etc, but potentially that was hormonal... Jury is still out). Technically I'm still alive and functioning and adore my family. But he can't cope. What an odd word. What an odd thing to say to me!

I'm not here for you to slag off my husband, he's a kind and loving man, but I'm perplexed. Like, what would happen if I said that? How do I carry on doing all the nights and the full time job? I don't really get it. And no, part time is not an option 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

caringcarer · 05/04/2023 00:45

Could he do Friday and Saturday nights when he does not have to get up for work the next day? On those 2 nights you are not to be woken up at all, so you get some catch up sleep.

Whenharrymetsmelly · 05/04/2023 00:52

Why don't you try gentle sleep training and sort it out so everyone can be happy. Sleep is so important, especially for young children and their development

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/04/2023 07:11

Abouttimemum · 04/04/2023 23:01

I would struggle to cope with that as well tbh.
There’s plenty of sleep training methods you can employ that don’t leave you with a crying baby, are quite simple, and usually work in a couple of nights.

Agreed but the OP is clearly one of those people who thinks sleep training is cry it out, when actually it’s the removal of bad sleep habits and associations through consistent behaviours.

Do 1 year olds wake consistently in the night- yes a lot do
Do 4 years olds wake consistently in the night- very few imo. I don’t know how much is to do with his possible diagnosis but I know that bringing them into your bed every night, that is a habit; if you’re fine pushing you and your husband to the brink by this behaviour than so be it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

4 year olds Families General parenting

Beginningless · 05/04/2023 07:22

I mean, he’s expressing how he feels. My 7yr old woke me at 5am to ask for help washing sand out of her vagina after the park yesterday 🥴 then commenced with all kind of shenanigans so I never got back to sleep. And ‘I can’t cope’ are the words running through my head. The dog has just spilt tea on me and I can’t even face cleaning it. Anyway, that’s me.

Hes not saying he won’t do it, but he’s agreeing with what you said that he’s shorter with you all and not coping with it. I was/am a ‘gentle parent’ (don’t like the term though) and sleep trained my second at similar ages, because I was being ratty with my first child and my husband and I couldn’t cope with the sleep deprivation. Yes in an ideal world our kids lead the way on everything but you are not in an idea of irks right now! We did gradual withdrawal, not controlled crying, meaning we stayed with baby and supported them through it, could see when they needed us etc, but held a line of ‘bedtime is for sleeping in bed’. Made us overall a happier family. I do completely understand your resistance but if the status quo remains for another year, what impact will that have on your family? A risk/benefit analysis is needed.

LaDamaDeElche · 05/04/2023 07:26

I would stop breastfeeding. The majority of my friends who were still breastfeeding older babies and toddlers had problems with night waking, as the breast becomes a comfort as well as just feeding. The ones who bottle fed at that age mostly had babies who slept through the night. Sone of us used to do a dream feed at around 11 and all had babies who slept through the night.

NameChange30 · 05/04/2023 13:16

Lights22 · 04/04/2023 21:59

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read and comment (didn't realise how long my original post was but guess I was trying to pre-empt questions). In answer to recurring questions/themes...

4yo has been referred for assessment for autism, which may explain her sleep. She goes to sleep in her own bed every night and when she wakes she comes in with us.

1yo is in his own cot in his own room. We've tried sending Dad in first, bottle of water etc. Sometimes it works, when it doesn't, bub does settle on both boobs. I sleep with the monitor on silent so I only hear him once he definitely needs comfort. Husband is going to try a bottle of cow's milk when bub wakes between 10-midnight (dream feed time) and see what effect that has. He eats VERY well by day so we're confused about his need for milk overnight too.

We've noticed 1yo sleeps better when warmer (so he's in a 3.5 tog bag now rather than 2.5) and we see on the monitor that he can settle himself. 4yo categorically couldn't at that age.

We accept it is normal for babies/toddlers not to sleep through the night. We're fortunate enough to have a network around us who are happy to be honest about their situations too.

I would never sleep out, but I do now pop out eg shopping in the early evening and husband is happy to figure it out if both children wake at the same time. When I had flu (proper bed-ridden flu) husband took AL to look after the children and would bring baby to me to feed then take him away again. I don't remember what we did at night, probably something similar.

At weekends I used to always get a lie-in (both days) and an afternoon nap at the same time as baby. Something is going on with our 4yo at the moment which means she's not allowing this. Please remember she's been referred for autism, we're not passive parents, we're gentle parents and doing the best we can from our value base. Which brings me to sleep training. It's not for us. Obviously I don't want to be up 6 times a night but husband and I are both on the same page about that. For me it's just the reality of where we are in our life now and bub will improve too as he gets older.

You're right, my husband was just being honest. The mark of good communication. I do think your body adjusts to a new sleep pattern so mine has adjusted to what it has, and my husband's is still figuring out what the hell is going on. He hasn't said he won't do nights, he just said that he can't cope. I guess if I can get my lie-ins and/or naps back at the weekends, I will probably cope better in the week and he can go back to having a solid amount of sleep. He's happy to stay up later, but it's the broken sleep he can't cope with.

OK, so no need to change anything for your 4yo - she needs to come into your bed in the night and you are both fine with it.

However, you can improve your 1yo's sleep. He doesn't "need" milk at night, he wants it, and it's a sleep prop. My advice is to stop all night feeds (breastfeeds and bottle feeds). It's actually the kindest way - otherwise if baby sometimes gets milk and sometimes doesn't, he won't understand and will keep crying until he gets it.

How does bedtime work? Do you leave the room before he falls asleep, or does he fall asleep on the breast or in your arms?

Nuevabegin · 05/04/2023 15:13

@coffee06 I have 3 dcs and my second woke constantly for years, we absolutely tried everything and consistently; sleep training, brought him to the gp, allergy tests , dropped naps , tried upping food etc etc . Nothing.worked. Drove me mad when ppl said “oh you need to sort his sleep” , em no shit like .
Also breastfed babies are definitely worse sleepers once older in my experience.. however even when completely weaned my second and my dh did all nightwakes they still woke … would go through phases but appalling sleeper for 4 years 🤷🏻‍♀️
Sorry to hear op , I’m back working now again as I took time out when dcs were young and I don’t know how you can work with such little sleep . I was and am lucky as my dh and I are a team so always had each others exhausted backs. I really hope things get better for you all.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 05/04/2023 18:41

@breadwidow I think you miss the point.

No one is suggesting that sleep training is a magic bullet - but to completely discount it and then moan the baby won't sleep seems counter intuitive at best.

breadwidow · 05/04/2023 22:35

@ChiefWiggumsBoy I think when sleep is as challenging as I is for the OP right now it's really hard to even begin to think about sleep training. I do agree that night weaning the younger DC would help in the longer term but you need energy to do that so think right now immediate priority is getting more sleep via co-sleeping with the 1 year old (meaning probably cos of the 4 year old needing parent at night, parents sleeping separately taking a child each)

HamBone · 06/04/2023 00:47

breadwidow · 05/04/2023 22:35

I agree @breadwidow, for the immediate future, they all just need more sleep. They can consider sleep training when they’re more rested.

The current situation sounds unsustainable and damaging to the parents’ health, tbh. The OP especially is going to get ill if she doesn’t get more sleep.

Adarajames · 06/04/2023 23:46

I feel for my poor parents, my twin sister and I didn’t reliably sleep through the night until we were 7! Didn’t matter what training etc was followed, neither of us had any additional needs, we just never managed to sleep through (and at 50 we both still have insomnia / sleeping issues 🙄) , sometimes there is no obvious cause, some people just find it harder to sleep than others. (And I get somewhat psychotic on long term lack of sleep, so would never cope with a child similar to how I was!)
many way, that was a long way of agreeing with pp who point out that sleep training doesn’t always work. Hope you manage to sort it out a little better soon op

Original poster

Lights22 · 18/04/2023 18:46

Hi, so a rather syrorisijg

OP posts:

Original poster

Lights22 · 18/04/2023 18:52

FFS stupid phone 🤦‍♀️

Anyway, a rather surprising (to me) update on the situation. Everything came to a head last week and I got signed off work. Reviewed today and another three weeks signed off. I don't know what did it. I think my husband saying he couldn't cope 🤷🏻‍♀️ or maybe posting here and the subsequent replies.

I've booked myself in for coaching to help me work out what my priorities are, what's within my gift (and desire) to resolve, what needs to change etc. I've also contacted the HV who, for a change, actually appeared willing to offer help.

So I guess I'm here saying thank you. Thank you!

More than one pp suggested that sleep training isn't necessarily CIO or CC, but there are packages out there that look at sleep hygiene and habits etc. If you're one of those people, please could you link me please? I've tried scrolling but there are so many comments I can't find what I'm looking for. Thank you again x

OP posts:

Mojoj · 18/04/2023 19:15

Sleep train your kid. Problem solved. Cannot understand how parents function for years with interrupted sleep. It's completely unnecessary.

Helpmethanks · 18/04/2023 19:28

Millpond

Helpmethanks · 18/04/2023 19:29

Cerebra sleep service (free if appropriate)

Whattodo112222 · 18/04/2023 19:33

I don't know.. I'm sort of sympathising with your DH a bit more, he was only telling you how he felt which he's entitled to do in the same way you are. Nowhere in your post does it say he's refused to help you or carry on.

NameChange30 · 18/04/2023 19:33

Lights22 · 18/04/2023 18:52

FFS stupid phone 🤦‍♀️

So I guess I'm here saying thank you. Thank you!

The Huckleberry app is very good.
And there are some helpful free articles here:
https://www.babysleepscience.com/resource-blog
(They also have paid-for content.)

Good luck x

Resource Blog | Baby Sleep Science

Articles by baby, infant and child sleep expert consultants on topics including time shifts, sleep regression, sleep patterns, sleep routines, napping, & more!

https://www.babysleepscience.com/resource-blog

FrizzledFrazzle · 19/04/2023 12:25

@Lights22 I can really recommend Nadia:
https://www.nadiaedwards.co.uk/mystory.html

Not cheap! But she is really kind, reassuring, realistic and honest, and doesn't do cry it out stuff. None of the changes she suggested were rocket science, but I found it her so helpful and it made a big difference to my son's sleep.

Holistic Baby & Toddler Sleep Consultant - Dunfermline, Scotland - Nadia Edwards

Baby & toddler sleep consultant in Dunfermline, Scotland, Nadia Edwards provides practical tools and support for parent-baby sleep issues.

https://www.nadiaedwards.co.uk/mystory.html

Skybluepinky · 19/04/2023 12:30

Unfortunately it’s the joys of having kids, come to a compromise where hubby gets up at the weekends.

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